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  1. #1

    Talking How do you know if you're SO is *the one* to marry?

    My BF and I are talking about taking our relationship to the next stage-engagement, moving in together, getting married. We've been together for 3 years, and are both in our late 20's.

    How did you know your SO was *the one*? How did you know when it was time to get married?

    What do you wish someone told you before you got married? What would you tell yourself? It's a big and scary life change (scary in a good way! ) that we have both been thinking lots about!

    TIA!



  2. #2
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    How exciting! I got married about four months ago. Things kept progressing but it just made sense for us- he's my best friend first and we're happy.

    But it's definitely a big life moment! I think living together first is a great way to make sure all of the not sexy stuff (paying bills, cleaning, etc) works and then you'll be ready to make the REALLY big move
    recovering hunter rider turned eventer



  3. #3
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    Well, if you are best friends and still together after the "hot love" stage, that's a good start. If you work at your relationship and are partners--not expecting the other to carry the load, be it emotional or financial, that's a great start.

    Realize that marriage is a commitment that takes daily maintenance. You will fall out of and back into love with him, and that's ok. You'll get so pissed off at him, but realize quickly that that's ok, and work at finding that balance again.

    My mom gave me the best advice: He has to be as smart (or smarter) than you. What you see is what you get--he isn't going to change, no matter how much you wish he would. Look at his parents closely. That's who he'll likely become, both physically and emotionally.

    Now..all of this is my experience. There's no one way to do it. I love my Mr. CC, but there are days....
    Proud member of the "Don't rush to kill wildlife" clique!



  4. #4
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    Well, I think it is somewhat different for everybody but I'll share what i think and hope it helps you, although my DH and I have followed a slightly different path. We got pregnant first, after dating for less than a year months, I am a fair amount younger than he is, and it was not planned (but the best thing ever!). We got married a little less than a year and a half later, after buying a house, doing a big move, getting a new job etc. And it definitely hasn't been totally easy but the big things that matter are there, like being able to talk openly about goals and values. Being able to step back and let the other person figure through some things without commentary, especially parenting, being able to balance your own needs so that you can also meet theirs. He is my partner, my teammate. The hardest thing for me to figure out, and it sounds silly but it really was a lightbulb moment for me when in the middle of a disagreement, was that I am only 50%. Like, I only get 50% of the say in decisions that affect both of us. Now that's not always the case obviously, but in terms of how we spend our shared money, or what car we buy next, what color we paint the living room. If he has an opinion, it counts. And I see so many people talk about disagreements in which they haven't figured out how to be a partner with someone. So if you think this person could really be your partner, you could enjoy sharing both the negatives and the positives of life with him then he's probably a good match.
    Good luck!



  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by Calvincrowe View Post
    Realize that marriage is a commitment that takes daily maintenance. You will fall out of and back into love with him, and that's ok. You'll get so pissed off at him, but realize quickly that that's ok, and work at finding that balance again.

    My mom gave me the best advice: He has to be as smart (or smarter) than you. What you see is what you get--he isn't going to change, no matter how much you wish he would. Look at his parents closely. That's who he'll likely become, both physically and emotionally.
    ITA with the above as well.



  6. #6
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    Well, I love the saying marry the man you would be proud to have a son just like! For me, I would rather be with my husband, doing nothing exciting at all, than any other person doing the most exciting thing ever. He is not perfect, but he is perfect for me. We've been married 14 years and I love him more now than on our wedding day. Also, he sacrifices for my love of horses even though he hates dirt, heat, slobber, and bugs. He comes to the barn and shows and even took a riding lesson! In return, I have ridden around in golf carts and chased a stupid white ball into sand, water, high grass, and other places all while whining about wasting a great pasture!



  7. #7
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    You should feel that he is always on your side. Now and forever. No caveats. And you should be the same for him.
    When someone shows you who they are, BELIEVE THEM.



  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by Calvincrowe View Post
    Well, if you are best friends and still together after the "hot love" stage, that's a good start. If you work at your relationship and are partners--not expecting the other to carry the load, be it emotional or financial, that's a great start.

    Realize that marriage is a commitment that takes daily maintenance. You will fall out of and back into love with him, and that's ok. You'll get so pissed off at him, but realize quickly that that's ok, and work at finding that balance again.

    My mom gave me the best advice: He has to be as smart (or smarter) than you. What you see is what you get--he isn't going to change, no matter how much you wish he would. Look at his parents closely. That's who he'll likely become, both physically and emotionally.

    Now..all of this is my experience. There's no one way to do it. I love my Mr. CC, but there are days....
    I couldn't have said it better.

    FWIW, we spend A LOT of time together... working together in the past and now with separate jobs but from the same home office. But in the end, he's my best friend and one I would not trade for the world.
    Last edited by drmgncolor; Feb. 2, 2012 at 11:33 PM.
    Dreaming in Color



  9. #9
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    I've been with my DH for 22 yrs this March and got married a month ago. But I've felt married to him for many yrs.
    It's both of ours second marriages.

    I think the most important thing is that you have to actually LIKE each other and respect each other. And accept them for who they are not who you think they can be. Any bad habits become worse with age. That endearing stutter, will become "WHY CAN"T HE JUST SPIT IT OUT!" That endearing habit of never making a decision about little things, like where to go to dinner will become "WHY CAN"T YOU JUST MAKE AN EFFING DECISION ONCE IN A WHILE!!!!"

    So you have to actually LIKE who they are, without thinking you can change them. And be able to laugh with them and get each other's sense of humor. It gets you through a lot.



  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by jetsmom View Post
    I've been with my DH for 22 yrs this March and got married a month ago. But I've felt married to him for many yrs.
    It's both of ours second marriages.

    I think the most important thing is that you have to actually LIKE each other and respect each other. And accept them for who they are not who you think they can be. Any bad habits become worse with age. That endearing stutter, will become "WHY CAN"T HE JUST SPIT IT OUT!" That endearing habit of never making a decision about little things, like where to go to dinner will become "WHY CAN"T YOU JUST MAKE AN EFFING DECISION ONCE IN A WHILE!!!!"

    So you have to actually LIKE who they are, without thinking you can change them. And be able to laugh with them and get each other's sense of humor. It gets you through a lot.
    Well said. This is it in a nutshell.
    When someone shows you who they are, BELIEVE THEM.



  11. #11
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    I'm not sure, I just 'knew' he was the one. We've been together for about a year and a half and got married last month. Being married hasn't really changed anything, we've both felt like we were married from pretty much the moment we met, now the legal status matches

    One of the biggest things we do is to focus on the positives, not the negatives. Neither of us are perfect or will ever be perfect, we each do things that drive the other insane but we just talk about it calmly and without finger pointing. He knows that sometimes I just need to go and simmer for a while before I can have a rational conversation so he lets me do that. Communication is key, communicate about everything, sometime what one of you thinks is obvious really isn't to the other person. Explaining the logic behind 'I wanted to wait to take out the trash until I cleaned the cat box at bed time', or 'lets do errands at this place on Saturday instead because it's less busy' so it doesn't get translated into 'you forgot to take out the trash' or 'you never listen when I tell you we need to do xyz' will save you a lot of grumpiness.

    And what Jetsmom said

    CB
    Freedom is the ability not to care what the other person thinks...

    Got air?! Member of the Asthmatic Riders Clique



  12. #12
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    We've been together 3 1/2 years and he asked me to marry him on Christmas morning. I can't wait! He's my best friend and the first person I want to talk to about every minute of my day. He knows what I'm thinking and what I need without my knowing at times. He's right behind me when huge changes happen in my life. I support him in every way I possibly can. We truly complement each other.



  13. #13
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    I've been married for a year and 4 months, but we only dated for 3 months before being married.

    If you can lay out all your deal breakers, and they match up, and you still like being around each other and spending time together, that is a good sign.

    Just make sure to discuss everything, horses, children, housework, career goals, and most importantly, finances. Money is the number one reason for divorce. If you both have dreams and ideas that line up, that is a good sign.



  14. #14
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    DH and I got married when we'd been together just about a year after we'd met.
    I'd been engaged prior to meeting DH and thought that guy #1 was IT. Our engagement was going to be about 2 years long because we were both pretty young and I wanted to be sure. Later I would come to realize that the wanting to wait so that I was sure, was me not being sure at all. And I realized that I didn't really like the person I was when I was with guy #1- so we broke it off for that and many other reasons.

    Now with DH, it was like we just fit together. He moved in with me about 5 months after we met and there was no adjustment period. When he asked me to marry him, there was no hesitation in me saying yes and we were married 2 months later. It will be 8 years in May
    “While the rest of the species is descended from apes, redheads are descended from cats.” Mark Twain



  15. #15
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    I am on my second marriage. The first one was an immature mistake. This one is the real thing.

    Towards the end of my first marriage, I was watching the A&E version of Pride and Prejudice. When Elizabeth's father questions her choice of husband her reply is:

    "He is truely the best man I've ever known."

    Those are the ones you marry. If you can't say that about your SO, think again.
    The more perfect our happiness,
    the more nagging and wretched
    do our unsolved problems seem.
    ~ Gordon Grand



  16. #16
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    I agree with the marry someone as smart (or smarter) than you. A good sense of humor goes a long way toward a happy marriage. I've been married for 32 years and my husband makes me a better person. He believes that I am better than I am and so I become that better person. I would also be sure that you have similar goals. We are not always in lock step but in general our goals are similar and we have both supported each other in our life's dreams. (He has his cottage and I have my horse.) Marriage is a wonderful adventure when it is with the right person and I am having the adventure of a lifetime.



  17. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by cheval convert View Post
    I agree with the marry someone as smart (or smarter) than you.
    Disagreeing with this by logic; with two people in a marriage, you can't BOTH be marrying someone smarter.



  18. #18
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    Hot Soup-- I understand your logic, but there are different measures of "smart" or "smarter than you". Find the person who matches your intellect might be a better way of putting it.

    I dated a man who just wasn't on the same level as me--bright in his own way, but not quick-witted, word-oriented, book-loving, interested in the world and its workings. It didn't work, as I became bored with him, intellectually. He couldn't keep up with me. That sounds arrogant, but it is how I felt and it soured out relationship.

    Mr. CC is with me intellectually--same education level, same basic values (with some major differences, thrown in for spiciness), same goals in life to continue to educate ourselves. Too bad he can't play Scrabble to save himself, but that keeps him from being perfect.. Well, that and his addiction to internet fantasy games. But I deal.
    Proud member of the "Don't rush to kill wildlife" clique!



  19. #19
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    All of this is fantastic advice! I love hearing all of your stories! Keep 'em coming!



  20. #20
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    I knew the minute I met DH in person. We had met online and communicated via e-mail for a couple weeks before the face to face. DH makes me want to be a better person He really is the best guy I have ever known.

    I know everybody says to make sure you like the person and are friends and yada yada, but make sure you are compatible(sp) sexually. That can be a huge break up factor for married couples. If I knew how to create an alter, I would have. Going to try and keep this as G rated as possible.Even when I am sick to death of hearing about cows or tractors, we have "it" to fall back on! I have family and friends to cheer me up, commiserate with, support me etc, but if you have a traditional marriage, you only get to take one person to bed for the rest of your life. Make sure they are the best you have ever had! DH is the last person I ever want in my bed.

    Really sorry if this offends anyone, but it is a very overlooked aspect as women tend to focus on emotional connections and men on sexual
    From AliCat518 "Seriously, why would you NOT put fried chicken in your purse?!"



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