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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Sep. 6, 2010
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    67

    Default Sex/porn addiction

    Without going into the gory details, my life got completely upended 2 weeks ago... I caught DH (well, not so "D" at this point) of 7 years, texting another woman. When I asked him what he was doing, he dropped a bombshell on me-- he had emotionally checked out of our marriage "months ago," met someone in an online chat room, and was planning to leave me.

    As you can imagine, much drama ensued... I fled the house with our animals and went to stay with family; over the course of 3 days, his plan went from "we'll sell the house in a few months and divorce" (neither of us have the $$ to just move out immediately) to "oh my god I have made a colossal mistake and will do whatever it takes to fix this."

    We went to a couples therapy session a couple days after I came home; without going into all the gory details that came out before and during that session, the therapist informed him/us that H is a porn/sex addict. Her advice was for us to each get involved in intensive individual therapy and not make ANY decisions re: the marriage until we each get ourselves sorted out; if, down the road, we think we want to try and save the marriage, THEN do couples counseling.

    Obviously there are tons of details I'm leaving out, but if ANYONE out there has experience with a partner/spouse who's got these issues, I would gladly like to hear from you... I am like a walking zombie these last 2 weeks. Better than the first few days, but I feel like someone flipped a switch and just turned me off completely.



  2. #2
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    Apr. 26, 2006
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    394

    Default

    Wow...hugs to you and prayers for him...and you!



  3. #3
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    Apr. 22, 2011
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    Has he actually cheated? If not, and if you love him, take your time with this. Sounds like he realized how much he has to lose.

    In the future, a word of advice-NEVER leave the house. Kick HIM to the curb.

    HUGS. Take your time. And put soy in his food.
    When someone shows you who they are, BELIEVE THEM.



  4. #4
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    Nov. 1, 2007
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    ....in a classroom in Fl, by the ocean
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    Default

    I am sorry to hear this. Hugs to you.


    what does soy do ?



  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jul. 11, 2004
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    6,736

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    Quote Originally Posted by MunchingonHay View Post
    what does soy do ?
    Soy has a lot of natural estrogen in it. It's why guys shouldn't really eat a lot of the stuff. It's also surmised as the reason so many girls are getting their periods and developing younger and younger.
    "Sic Gorgiamus Allos Subjectatos Nunc"



  6. #6
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    Jan. 19, 2011
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    Coastal Marsh of Texas
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    Hugs to you!

    Saltpeter may be better than soy...have to ask the pharmacist for it.



  7. #7
    Join Date
    Feb. 2, 2012
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    1

    Default

    Bringing out my brand-new alter.

    OP, 'D-day' happened for me too just a few months ago. I couldn't decide what was better--being completely numb, or being hysterical. Roll your eyes if anyone tries to tell you that sex addiction is an 'excuse'.

    Number of things that are IMPERATIVE for you right now:

    Buy 'Don't Call it Love' by Patrick Carnes. His recovery book 'Facing the Shadows' is also good, but more for your DH (it is a work book).

    Look into codependency and co-addiction. More often then not, your hubby is not the only one with a problem. It's not to say you helped cause this bombshell, but many therapists suggest that sex addicts (a lot of addicts, actually) tend to surround themselves with codependent people.

    Realize right away that it is not your job to police your DH. If he wants to get better he will try--if he wants to continue acting out, there is no way to stop him. If you monitor his phone he can buy another, if you watch his computer he will get better at erasing the files--if an addict wants to act out they will find a way.

    Set up your boundaries as soon as you can, and let him know. Such as, 'if I find you texting 'x' again we will divorce.' These boundaries protect YOU. They are not threats--you must realize that you have to carry through with them if he breaks a boundary. (Reading through the books will help you create your boundaries).

    Group therapy. Your hubby may not be ready for this yet but that's ok. Sexaholics Anon, Sex Addicts Anon, Sex and Love Addicts--there are a lot of groups. Many do not take into account the fact that your hubby is not only fixing himself, but a relationship as well. Look into Recovering Couples Anon.

    Go to therapy with your hubby if you can. We find this to be most helpful. But most importantly, make sure the therapist specializes/deals with sex addicts. There are terrible stories of old-school therapists who just tell wives to be more sexual!

    If your husband does not want to commit to these things, do not assume you can just 'go it alone'. Sex addiction is said to work on the brain much like cocaine--only the addict carries the 'source' with him at all times. Behavioral addictions are the worst. You need professional help, and your hubby needs to be committed 100%.

    Sex addiction is not about the sex. Keep repeating this to yourself. Sometimes when I think about what has happened and get depressed, I think this several times. It is a long road, but once your DH accepts that he's an addict (because despite what he says, I'll bet you any amount of money he's still in denial) it will be easier for you to help yourself, and in turn, help him--if that is what you wish to do.

    I was just about to go to sleep before I saw this and couldn't leave without posting and letting you know someone else like you is here. Last I checked, they estimated over 16 million people have this addiction, although they probably aren't diagnosed. You are not alone.

    PM me if you ever need to and I'll give you my email.



  8. #8
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    Nov. 1, 2007
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    ....in a classroom in Fl, by the ocean
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    Quote Originally Posted by Trakehner View Post
    Soy has a lot of natural estrogen in it. It's why guys shouldn't really eat a lot of the stuff. It's also surmised as the reason so many girls are getting their periods and developing younger and younger.

    DUH! I always think of erogenous estrogen. Got to wonder about the Chinese, they have been eating soy for 1,000 and 1,000's of years. but this is a whole other topic ..sorry OP.

    Hugs to you and I hope it all works out.



  9. #9

    Default

    Nothing helpful to say but *hugs*, addiction is a scary thing no matter what form it comes in.
    for more Joy then you can handle
    http://dangerbunny.blogspot.com/



  10. #10

    Default

    Dragging out and dusting off my alias for this one!

    Just want to add that ofter there are some serious underlying causes that lead to sex/porn addictions. Often you will find that men (and women) that have a sex/porn addiction were victims of being molested as children.

    My husband had over he years made references to having been molested as a child but never went into details about it. Because he had brought it up I made the mistake of assuming (yeah I know, never assume) that he had dealt with it. A few years ago I caught my husband getting involved in internet sex/porn. When confronted, a lot of what he was doing stemmed from feelings he had never dealt with regarding the molestation. In fact it turns out, he had NEVER gotten any help. He is now, thankfully.

    I found and joined a wonderful online board for victims of male child sexual abuse and their families and it was there that I learned that the sex/porn addictions is a very common theme among many of the victims.

    Not saying that is what lead to your husbands issues but it is one more factor to look into.

    www.malesurvior.org is the site that went to and was a huge help to me in getting through the worst part of all of this.



  11. #11
    Join Date
    Oct. 22, 2003
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    1,688

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    Why does the therapist thing he is a sex/porn addict? After one session? Two sessions? It sounds like you had like... one session... and the therapist goes "oh yeah, you've got a porn addiction, you need lots of expensive therapy. With me, of course."

    I'm highly skeptical of this diagnosis based on what you've said. I listen to AM talk radio and find the hosts that vehemently maintain that if a man looks at porn EVER he is a pervert and addict and needs help.

    Although the whole texting with another chick thing? No excuse. His ass should still be out in the cold.
    "The nice thing about memories is the good ones are stronger and linger longer than the bad and we sure have some incredibly good memories." - EverythingButWings



  12. #12
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    Feb. 20, 2010
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    Quote Originally Posted by littleum View Post
    Why does the therapist thing he is a sex/porn addict? After one session? Two sessions? It sounds like you had like... one session... and the therapist goes "oh yeah, you've got a porn addiction, you need lots of expensive therapy. With me, of course."

    I'm highly skeptical of this diagnosis based on what you've said. I listen to AM talk radio and find the hosts that vehemently maintain that if a man looks at porn EVER he is a pervert and addict and needs help.

    Although the whole texting with another chick thing? No excuse. His ass should still be out in the cold.
    This. I mean, the condition itself is relatively controversial, and she just makes a diagnosis during the initial session, with 2 people, after a hugely emotionally charged time period? I'd be getting a second opinion.



  13. #13
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    Oct. 26, 2010
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    Quote Originally Posted by littleum View Post
    Why does the therapist thing he is a sex/porn addict? After one session? Two sessions? It sounds like you had like... one session... and the therapist goes "oh yeah, you've got a porn addiction, you need lots of expensive therapy. With me, of course."

    I'm highly skeptical of this diagnosis based on what you've said. I listen to AM talk radio and find the hosts that vehemently maintain that if a man looks at porn EVER he is a pervert and addict and needs help.

    Although the whole texting with another chick thing? No excuse. His ass should still be out in the cold.
    I'm a dead, cold-hearted b*tch when it comes to things like this. Not going into details, but have dealt with the ex's 'problems' (as in multiple), if I could go back in time, I would have saved MYSELF and left on the next bus outta town. Or put him on the bus outta town. Life is too short to try to fix things with any sort of addict. The addict needs to fix himself and, in my case, if you're still around, he'll drain the ever lovin' life outta you trying to do so. Then, you need to look at yourself and try to figger out what is wrong with you, because, *here it comes*, if you get into another relationship, you will 'probably' choose another one of 'em.

    Not sorry this is tough talk. I wished someone had gotten hold of me sooner and read me the riot act. I prolly wouldn't have listened, at first, but at least it might have sunk in sooner and saved a lot of grief, for me. Instead, 'we' (ha!) went to all sorts of counseling and it was a dog and pony show. When they can hide this cr*p, when called out, they get VERY good at hiding their cr*p. You get the short end of the stick.

    My hubby has one chance to do wrong and I walk. He knows it too. This is one thing that has been crystal clear.
    Last edited by goneriding24; Feb. 3, 2012 at 07:52 AM. Reason: Adding in more and have to stop because I'd write a book if I wrote more...
    GR24's Musing #18 - More a reminder than a muse, on the first of the month, do your boob check for any lumps or differences.



  14. #14
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    Oct. 26, 2005
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    Deep South
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    I know about this first hand, and the person who had the addiction turned out to be gay...he was married with a beautiful wife and child, and the porn was about the men, not the women. Addiction is scary. My marriage to a wonderful man just ended because of it. Remember that you are not responsible for nor can you fix another person's addiction.
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  15. #15
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    Sep. 26, 2008
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    I have no advice I just wanted to say that I am sorry and I hope that whatever you decide is the best for YOU because you need to think about yourself and your kids if you have any.



  16. #16
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    Mar. 30, 2007
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    Hollowed out volcano in the South Pacific.
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    Quote Originally Posted by littleum View Post
    Why does the therapist thing he is a sex/porn addict? After one session? Two sessions? It sounds like you had like... one session... and the therapist goes "oh yeah, you've got a porn addiction, you need lots of expensive therapy. With me, of course."

    I'm highly skeptical of this diagnosis based on what you've said. I listen to AM talk radio and find the hosts that vehemently maintain that if a man looks at porn EVER he is a pervert and addict and needs help.

    Although the whole texting with another chick thing? No excuse. His ass should still be out in the cold.
    The diagnosis of such things depends heavily on two factors:

    1. How much a person discloses about what they are doing or have done.

    2. What is observed and disclosed by other parties who are participating in the sessions.

    If the pipes are wide open, it's not hard to reach a conclusion in a fairly quick and concise manner.
    Thus do we growl that our big toes have,
    at this moment, been thrown up from below!



  17. #17
    Join Date
    Jan. 17, 2008
    Location
    New England
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    My bff of 20+ years is going through this.

    She threw her DH out last week. He told her a year ago he was addicted to porn. Then after a bit it was gay porn. Then tranny porn. Then he said he had fantasies and told her what they were. He went to counceling, group therapy, church.

    All the while she's hanging on, very depressed and working out like a mad woman. She lost 70lbs and looks great. Her self esteem has taken a terrible hit.

    More layers start peeling off. He says he put an ad on CL looking for male, um, "playmates" but it never went any where.
    He said he never went into a seedy porn club with the dirty back rooms.

    Now he said that he had been fooling around with men and some other non-appropriate horse forum stuff. But supposedly that was "it."

    He told her he was bi, she is in denial and said that "its part of his addiction". I dont really understand the "I am bisexual/love gay porn but it's my addiction not me" part. I haven't told her that I think it's all crap...I think he is gay and struggling with it. He told her he didnt want to be in a relationship with men, he just wanted to, you know, with them.

    After he disclosed the other day that he'd actually be IN the porn stores and um, doing things with men, I told her PLEASE get tested for everything!

    She did, and so far so good, but I am so very worried for her. She is still hoping that he's going to right himself and come back to her...I worry that he'll try to right himself (meaning give up the men/porn) and come back, only to either give her a disease in the long run, or leave her.

    It's scary. I don't get it. I'm sorry, OP, that you are dealing with this. Just try to understand that it's not about you, its the sick person who needs to heal/figure out themselves.



  18. #18
    Join Date
    Sep. 6, 2010
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    My professional work is in the addictions field (chemical, not sexual) and I have no doubt, knowing what I know now, that it's an addiction-- there's been a clear progression/escalation of the issue over the years, along with all the subsequent problems. That's also a big reason why, for the time being anyway, I'm sticking around... I've spent my entire professional life working with addicts and families, preaching the "recovery works!" motto; my rational/logical brain would feel like a hypocrite if I just threw in the towel at the first sign of a problem. (My heart, however, is a different story... but honestly I'm still to numb to really know WHAT I'm feeling.)

    H also has some pretty extreme childhood issues (sexual and otherwise) which I kind-of suspected but never totally knew about until all this came out. The connection between these childhood issues and the present situation is pretty obvious, from an addiction standpoint.

    To answer some other questions: the issue didn't escalate into physical contact with the other woman; it was all via computer and phone up until this point. While I can't know that for 100% certainty, H's time is pretty well accounted-for-- unless he's been skipping out of work (which I would almost HAVE to find out about, as I am privy to his paychecks/income and we work the same hours), he's home every night.

    After the couples therapist suggested he's a porn/sex addict, he took it upon himself to seek out a 12-step group a few days later, and he went to his first meeting earlier this week. He said he liked the group, got a lot out of it, and plans to keep going.

    I also did some reasearch re: therapists that specialize in sex/porn addiction. Unfortunately none are local OR in-network with our insurance, but I did find one about 50 miles away. H called and was able to get in for a first appointment with the therapist earlier this week as well. I accompanied him to the appointment and sat in for the first few minutes, so the therapist could explain the process to both of us; after that, H had a lengthy private session... H will be seeing this therapist weekly for the foreseeable future.

    I had my first appointment with my OWN therapist this week as well. No clue what my therapy is going to address; goal-planning is on the agenda for next week.

    On the surface, everything is happening right now the way it should-- H is actively seeking out support/therapy (both group and individual), I'm doing the same, we're talking more openly and honestly now than we ever have before... UNDER the surface, I'm still reeling. I feel like I haven't actually processed ANY of this yet and I'm just going through the mechanical motions, doing the things I'd be advising my clients' families to do, but I feel so very disconnected, it's bizarre.

    Who knows what's going to happen when the numbness wears off...



  19. #19
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    Jul. 19, 2007
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    Michigan
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    Quote Originally Posted by Coanteen View Post
    This. I mean, the condition itself is relatively controversial, and she just makes a diagnosis during the initial session, with 2 people, after a hugely emotionally charged time period? I'd be getting a second opinion.
    I agree. And frankly it's not an excuse for 'emotionally checking out' (sex addiction, if it can be said to exist, is not about emotions to begin with), or for setting up an affair!

    (And it does trip the alarm bells as it also gets used sometimes as "Oh my God he wants sex more than maybe once a month, what an addict" which has always seemed like an odd thing to complain about to me...I mean, obviously pre-menopausal-female times of the month aside, what's wrong with wanting it a lot?)



  20. #20

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    I think there are details the OP isn't going into, if she works with addicted people then she is going to have a close understanding on what is normal behavior and what is an addictive pattern.
    for more Joy then you can handle
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