[mvp]

There is a script that works for any sticky situation out there that you all can get yourselves into.

Here's how this works:

You present the situation as it stands now.

E.g. "Good friend BO is starting to slack on horse care....what do I do or say?"

"Buyer/seller just started behaving like a fool and I want the deal to go forward (or to end)."

"Horse trainer/barn staff/boarder is not doing what he/she said. How do I ask politely WTF and fix that or end the relationship with the least bloodshed?"

Next, you explain what you want and what you need. Those are different. You also might not know. This thread can help you with that introspection.

Finally, dear friends, you name and "own" your part in creating the fubar situation. This is the part you can now fix by doing something different.

Think of this as a cross between Emily Post, therapy and git-r-done practical, in-real-time advice for getting out of your sticky situation.

I and other COTHers not enmeshed in your hot mess are at your service.

[Wellspotted]

goodness, that fits in so well with some stuff I am having to deal with (partially horse-related)!

[Lori B]

Amen, mvp.

Only a couple of caveats for this flawless strategy:

1) The participant seeking advice must accept that it's possible that a resolution that is fair, expeditious, and orderly will not necessarily result in a group hug at the end. When you tell people, however politely, things they don't want to hear, they will sometimes be displeased. And this is NOT THE END OF THE WORLD.

2) The advice seeker has to be at the point where they prefer a resolution to ongoing drama. I am frequently not convinced that this second one is true. :-)

[ReSomething]

Amen, mvp.

Only a couple of caveats for this flawless strategy:

1) The participant seeking advice must accept that it's possible that a resolution that is fair, expeditious, and orderly will not necessarily result in a group hug at the end. When you tell people, however politely, things they don't want to hear, they will sometimes be displeased. And this is NOT THE END OF THE WORLD.

2) The advice seeker has to be at the point where they prefer a resolution to ongoing drama. I am frequently not convinced that this second one is true. :-)

There have been a few threads where I really wondered about that last one also. Somehow this thread needs to get saved in the FAQ's or some repository of simple wisdom so we can bookmark it, read it again, take a deep breath and look around.

[Chester's Mom]

Bravo mvp!

[katarine]

Yes, they must answer this question:

Do you want to resolve this or do you want to win?

BIG difference.

[mvp]

goodness, that fits in so well with some stuff I am having to deal with (partially horse-related)!

Bring it, sistah!

[mvp]

Only a couple of caveats for this flawless strategy:

1) The participant seeking advice must accept that it's possible that a resolution that is fair, expeditious, and orderly will not necessarily result in a group hug at the end. When you tell people, however politely, things they don't want to hear, they will sometimes be displeased. And this is NOT THE END OF THE WORLD.

2) The advice seeker has to be at the point where they prefer a resolution to ongoing drama. I am frequently not convinced that this second one is true. :-)

To 1): Absolutely. The Rolling Stones said it best, "You don't always get what you want, but somehow, you always get what you need." Also, many hand-wringing nice people in need of a script need the words that amount to "No hard feelings, but NO." Then they need a post-script "Attaboy!"

2) Not necessarily. The drama queen can continue to post her "yabbuts" and "but I don wanna because the world should bend to my will (or guess my needs)!" until getting bathed in the solution gets boring. Then she'll start an equally entertaining thread somewhere else. It's all good.

[mvp]

Yes, they must answer this question:

Do you want to resolve this or do you want to win?

BIG difference.

Nah...if you do it right, you usually get both. Of course, you have to be willing to wait for the "win" and/or see it in an unexpected form. Truly, people, the most skillful and elegant people I know can say "No" and have you walk away thinking they did you a favor. It's an art, and one worth mastering.

[katarine]

I meant win and win out over the other person. That's a controlling tendency that leaves the other person on bad footing.

[rustbreeches]

Can I submit an addition to the original script? Before the person enters into any situation that will result in the use of this script, they GET THE DEAL IN WRITING