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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jun. 14, 2006
    Location
    VA
    Posts
    11,372

    Default Evil Stepmoms, unite!

    Alright, i'm not evil. But I am a stepmom to two teens now. Officially this September, but I've been around awhile.

    We are doing okay-ish. We''ve got our first "I love you's" out of the way and are making our way towards more authentic stuff.

    They routinely hate me, and it's mutual at times, I'll admit. But we're okay.

    Anyone else out there..no kids of your own, married in the 30's and living with your hubby's teenaged kids? There HAS to be a club for this...especially when they live with you most of the time. I know it's rare....but surely, someone must be in my shoes to some extent, no?
    A good horseman doesn't have to tell anyone...the horse already knows.

    Might be a reason, never an excuse...



  2. #2
    Join Date
    Mar. 4, 2007
    Location
    Western Washington
    Posts
    2,921

    Default

    Yep, right here.

    But here's something I learned: natural parents hate their kids every once in a while, too. Not just our steps. Even while they love them fiercely.

    It will get better. My step is nearly 30, married and living across the country. I couldn't be prouder of him, and I know he knows how much I love him. He loves me, too.

    But man, 16 or so years ago was NOT an easy time. I thought I was going crazy.



  3. #3
    Join Date
    Feb. 6, 2003
    Location
    NorthEast
    Posts
    24,481

    Default

    My step daughter turned 30 this past November.

    I've been her stepmom since she was 13.

    She's the best damned wedding present anyone ever got.

    And my nickname from her is ESM for Evil Step Mom, LOL!
    You jump in the saddle,
    Hold onto the bridle!
    Jump in the line!
    ...Belefonte



  4. #4
    Join Date
    Mar. 4, 2007
    Location
    Western Washington
    Posts
    2,921

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by MistyBlue View Post
    My step daughter turned 30 this past November.

    I've been her stepmom since she was 13.

    She's the best damned wedding present anyone ever got.

    And my nickname from her is ESM for Evil Step Mom, LOL!
    Well said. My step calls me by my last name. It's hilarious.



  5. #5
    Join Date
    Mar. 30, 2010
    Location
    somewhere
    Posts
    418

    Default

    I don't have any advice for your situation but I can tell you there is a lot of hate between teens and parents in general - step or not. Sometimes you're just okay during the teenaged years and that's okay. Eventually the teenage years are over and things feel normal again.

    I don't have kids but I'm in my early 20's and remember 13-17 as the worst time. I was a good kid, but relationships were strained. Even 18 had some rough bits but it was all a phase.



  6. #6
    Join Date
    Dec. 8, 2002
    Location
    Fort Collins, CO
    Posts
    3,337

    Default

    Sorry....can't attach that title to you since I kinda know you irl. Impossible.

    You might be (are) tough, realistic, honest, which are things that teens are not for the most part. But, they know that you're there, helping make a home out of whatever was there before, and showing them that being all those things makes a family. Never easy even with biologically born kids. But it's a wonderful addition to your life....:-) most of the time I'd hope?

    My dads 3rd wife is why I'm sorta sane. She was all those things I mentioned, which my biological mom lacked, and I adore her. He's on #4, and she's not that interested in her step kids but that's ok, because #3 stays in contact still...even at 49, I can call her to get advice.

    Enjoy being their Smom!
    I have too many ponies but love 'em all!

    http://foxview-farm.blogspot.com/



  7. #7
    Join Date
    Feb. 14, 2003
    Location
    Windward Farm, Washougal, WA- our work in progress, our money pit, our home!
    Posts
    6,744

    Default

    Heck yeah! I have the shirt and the button, baby. Got mine when the girl was 10 and the boy was 8, though not full time, which might have been a much better thing. Girl is super, super "in charge" and driven to succeed. Boy...not so much.

    They are not 22 and 20, she is a college grad, twice over, Summa Cum Laude, employed by a boutique bank and doing awesome. She's still just as manipulative and selfish as she was at 10, though He is living in his real mom's garage, no license, no job, no skills, just a barely-earned HS diploma. He is kind and clueless, just like he was at 8.

    I am proud of them both, love them both, but I have hated them with a passion in years past. I still resent them at times, but my mom assures me that she felt that way, momentarily admittedly, at times with her 4 kids.
    Proud member of the "Don't rush to kill wildlife" clique!



  8. #8
    Join Date
    Dec. 8, 2002
    Location
    Fort Collins, CO
    Posts
    3,337

    Default

    And fwiw, I love my stepdaughter dearly. She was 12 ish when her dad and I got together, caused me a few sleepless nights, tears, but am so darned proud of her I can't stand it. My stepson and his dad have serious issues, so we don't see them, and that's sad. They made beautiful children, and I'm glad at least I have one of them in my life! (both well into adulthood with kids!)
    I have too many ponies but love 'em all!

    http://foxview-farm.blogspot.com/



  9. #9
    Join Date
    Nov. 2, 2001
    Location
    Packing my bags
    Posts
    30,943

    Default

    Honey, I don' think you can graduate to EVIL stepmom....

    I just shared notes with another mom about one of our fellow 'project' kids...a 14 year old girl who has to bum rides home at 10 and 11PM Friday nights after football games, cos step mom sleeps then already....I think she got mad at me one time because I blocked her drive for a few minutes when I dropped the girl off at her house and mom could not leave to go someplace else...

    my kid is a teen right now....and I could strangle him on a daily basis...I breathe and that annoys him....so we mutually hate each other right now

    but I don't care. I do what I do. Insist on the things that need to be done (before I find a quiet corner to puke coat hangers).
    To the other kids I am the way I have been for ever. Straight and honest.
    naturally, I don't have to tell other kids to clean their rooms. makes me infinitely more cool with them!
    Quote Originally Posted by Mozart View Post
    Personally, I think the moderate use of shock collars in training humans should be allowed.



  10. #10
    Join Date
    May. 17, 2003
    Posts
    5,562

    Default

    I inherited three teenage boys 22 years ago... I made it perfectly clear that I was not their mother in any way shape or form, but that I was a mostly benevolent presence, even if I did expect them to behave like civilized human beings in my home and not lose my damned car keys...

    They are all in their 30's now. Oldest is very married and has kids of his own, younger two are commitment-phobes--which their father sees as his fault as he feels that he and his first wife didn't exactly present a stellar example of happily married life--whereas I think that he and I pretty good job of modeling what it should be about.

    We've mostly got on pretty well together and enjoy each other's company very much nowadays.



  11. #11
    Join Date
    Feb. 23, 1999
    Location
    Cypress, near Houston, Texas
    Posts
    8,438

    Default

    I've been a step mom since the girls were 3 and 7. They are now 21 and 24 - the oldest having graduated Magna Cum Laude from Harvard with a degree in Evolutionary Biology and with a Masters from Imperial College in London. She is now married to a Scotsman and on the way to live in New Zeland.

    The youngest is working on her Masters in Child Psychology.

    While growing up (and still sometimes now) they called me "Stepmonster" and I called them "stepdevils." But I love them dearly and am very proud of how they have turned out.

    Yes, it was trying at times but worth every moment. And I was lucky to have a DH (and even the x-wife) that was very supportive of me when I had to put my foot down. So, they didn't get to play us off one anther. That helped greatly.

    Hope you have a good experience and create nice memories.
    Visit Sonesta Farms website at www.sonestafarms.com or our FaceBook page at www.facebook.com/sonestafarms. Also showing & breeding Cavalier King Charles Spaniels.



  12. #12
    Join Date
    Jun. 14, 2006
    Location
    VA
    Posts
    11,372

    Default

    Oh Annika, you're too kind. Mwahahahaaaa....

    I don't know about you, but I was issued and evil stepmother manual the day we got married!!!! Kidding of course.

    If I'm honest, it's been very difficult. Some days moreso than others. A lot of times, it feels like dad + kids are their own little world and I'm an outsider looking in.

    Last night for example, they made dinner. But none for me. It was very hurtful. Dad is oblivious to a lot, but I don't think the kids are as much. Sometimes these things are very painful.

    But it's weird how "real" parents can lament the crap kids pull outwardly and loudly but as a SM, if I say that about the kids, I'm "evil".

    I would love so much to know some peeps who have done this, and well. It can be a very lonely experience. I care about the kids very much, but taking on teens is tricky. I wonder sometimes if I'm going to get through this with my sanity intact.
    A good horseman doesn't have to tell anyone...the horse already knows.

    Might be a reason, never an excuse...



  13. #13
    Join Date
    Mar. 30, 2007
    Location
    Hollowed out volcano in the South Pacific.
    Posts
    11,125

    Default

    You really need to bond with the puppies. Do some girl-stuff together.
    Thus do we growl that our big toes have,
    at this moment, been thrown up from below!



  14. #14
    Join Date
    Mar. 4, 2007
    Location
    Western Washington
    Posts
    2,921

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by BuddyRoo View Post

    If I'm honest, it's been very difficult. Some days moreso than others. A lot of times, it feels like dad + kids are their own little world and I'm an outsider looking in.

    Last night for example, they made dinner. But none for me. It was very hurtful. Dad is oblivious to a lot, but I don't think the kids are as much. Sometimes these things are very painful.
    They are in their own little world. They have a history and shared experiences that you don't have.

    Not yet.

    One of the things that DH and I had going for us is our ability to talk about things, and his determination to make sure I was treated fairly. Talking about some things was really hard for me, but just as you and I wouldn't let a horse shove us around, you must be willing to address some things, and willing to reward the try.

    So today, I would have to pull your DH aside and ask, so what happened about dinner last night? You made dinner for yourselves. None for me. I felt left out. What happened?

    Unless there was something else going on with the girls OR no one knew where you were or when you'd be home OR someone wanted to make something that you were deathly allergic to, that was flat rude. Don't let them get away with it, any more than the rude mare gets to shove you around.

    They are watching to see how much they can get away with.

    But next time one of them tries to lend a hand, or does something thoughtful, be grateful.

    Your DH has an obligation to his daughters, sure, and to you, his wife. The two of you must make the family to raise the girls. You weren't hired in.

    I got my step when he was 12. A sulky angry kid who specialized in manipulation and whining. I had been on my own for a long time, no kids, demanding job and going to grad school full time. Jeez. One day DH and I were talking (OK, I was probably crying in frustration) and he reminded me that his memories of when the brat was little and cute were helping to carry him along. I didn't share that memory.

    Raising kids is tough enough. Raising other people's kids is tougher. But I think having horses helps prepare us: don't give them an advantage, be straightforward and fair, have an expectation of success, don't ignore behaviors that you won't put up with in the long run. Raising, training .... pretty much the same thing.

    Those girls need you not to shrink back. Be yourself, the woman their dad fell in love with. Some days are just going to suck. I don't think they would suck less if we had given birth to the little "stepdevils" (I LOFF that) ourselves.

    Good luck!



  15. #15
    Join Date
    Sep. 11, 2008
    Location
    Snohomish, WA
    Posts
    3,901

    Default

    I think my evil stepmom warts have faded now - but yes I did have them.
    My 2 were 8 and 4 - they are now 23 and 19. They are great kids but there were times............
    They do test you - in some really interesting ways. I also used to get the "YOU AREN"T MY MOTHER!!!" To which I would reply - Thank God!!
    Part of the problem for mine came from the fact that they didn't really understand why mom and dad weren't together anymore and looked at me like it was because of me. The youngest one used to say for years - "when Mom and Dad get back together........" It was hurtful.
    On the other hand there were some really special times too.
    It isn't easy - I used to make a joke out of it too - the evil stepmom and all.........



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