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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jan. 1, 2012
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    29

    Default Would you marry if EVERYTHING else if fab, but you're not sexually attracted (E.D.)?

    Closing in on a 2 year relationship.
    We have both been married and been divorced for quite some time.
    We would both like to marry again, and talk about marrying each other.
    I love him, he loves me.
    We both have horses that we love and adore.
    We both have farms.
    He is my best friend.
    We have endless amounts of fun together.
    We have many similar interests.
    We communicate very well.
    He is kind, generous, loyal, and loving.
    He adores me.
    He is emotionally supportive.
    He is a very successful business person.
    The sex life is not so great.
    He has said so himself that he knows that he is not my physical ideal, and knows what I am physically attracted to.

    Edit Jan 2: My main question is about how important is sex, anyway?? So, aren't some of you being "judgmental" about me by calling me "judgmental"? We corresponded for a month before meeting in person. I was already in love with him as a person before I laid eyes on him in real life. It had nothing to do with how he looked or did not look. He told me from the beginning that he was repulsed by large, fat, big women, even though he was a big man himself. He also told me how turned off he was by women with thick carpets (I am anti carpet myself). And boy, did he ever let me know how happy he was about that, and how unhappy he'd be if I was a rug-a-holic!

    So now that you know this, I have been labeled as "judgmental" by some people below, after stating MY preferences. I guess you'd call him judgmental too then?

    By the way, the words "allowed myself to have a heart attack" originated from his mouth, not mine.


    ETA: Yes. This has been brought up in couples counseling. We are discussing it. Counselors style is more so for us to work things out on our own, and not so much to give advice.

    ALSO: I am middle 40's. Maybe part of my non sexual feeling is pre menopause?


    Yes, I am rather blunt here, but no different than anyone else, I cannot help what I am attracted to, and what I am not.



    I'm in my 40's, he's in his 50's. I look way younger than my age, and he looks way older. I am obviously physically attracted to him to some extent, but he is not at all the body type that I am truly physically attracted to. I am very fit, and he is not. He lost weight, gained half of it back, but is still not healthy in my world of fitness and health. He allowed himself to have a heart attack about 8 years ago. He works out all of the time but has no results to show for it, and still has high body fat (probably 30+%) and flab. I am physically attracted to attractive, fit, and muscular men. Always have been, since I started hitting the gym and lifting weights with high school boyfriend.

    He has E.D., which if you have not experienced a guy with this yet, well it is not so great. No such thing as spontaneity! They have to stop to take a pill or give them self a shot in the you know, to get it going. Even then, it still doesn't work so well, and is nothing even close to the real thing. Makes things kind of hard (no pun intended). I have to wonder if guys with ED ever stop responding to medication, and it doesn't work at all?

    Plus, I am just not very physically attracted to him in general. I am in my sexual prime and wouldn't mind having great sex at some point in my life again, but I realize we all eventually get old and not so attractive, and that the sex drive dies off. I would never ever cheat on him. I would just forfeit my sexuality and sex life to be with him I guess.

    We had not had sex since May, and I did not miss it with him one bit. We recently did it, and it was less than enjoyable. Seriously. Cuddling and snuggling with him is very nice. He give great hugs and is quite affectionate.

    I could see spending the rest of my life with him, as he is a wonderful person and a wonderful companion. He would take care of me, and I would take care of him.

    How important is sex really anyway in the grand scheme of things? Sure, I could trade him in for some handsome dude who is great in bed, but he would likely not have all of the same wonderful qualities, or might have worse.
    Last edited by Carol Alt; Jan. 2, 2012 at 05:04 PM.



  2. #2
    Join Date
    Oct. 24, 2003
    Location
    The rolling hills of Virginia
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    5,892

    Default

    It doesn't matter what anyone else would do. It's simply a matter of what you can live with. If you love him enough to basically give up sex as you've known it, then there's your answer. If you don't, well there you go. Why not have this conversation with him?

    I don't mean to come across as harsh, but this is more a conversation for you two as a couple, or with your closest friends who know you really well. IME, marriages are all unique in what makes them work (or not) and what compromises they can stand.

    SCFarm
    The above post is an opinion, just an opinion. If it were a real live fact it would include supporting links to websites full of people who already agreed with me.

    www.southern-cross-farm.com



  3. #3
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    Feb. 26, 2011
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    Just west of BFE
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    Default

    I can talk to my mom, I can snuggle with my daughter, I can do trips or outings with my friends. Sex ranked really high on my list of must haves when I married my DH. But that is just me. I know lots of people have open marriages or whatever, but to me, the whole point of getting married was to have sex with one person for the rest of my life.
    From AliCat518 "Seriously, why would you NOT put fried chicken in your purse?!"



  4. #4
    Join Date
    Dec. 4, 2007
    Location
    Ontario
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    1,960

    Default

    Just because his below the belt isn't quite up to snuff doesn't mean he doesn't have a working tongue and fingers.
    Riding the winds of change

    Heeling NRG Aussies
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  5. #5
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    Jan. 27, 2002
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    5,693

    Default

    while sex is important, i really believe that intimacy is more important to both people in the relationship.
    my dh is much older and has had chronic health issues the past six years, which have had a serious impact on our sex life. but we still have great intimacy, maybe even more now.
    have you asked yourself whether you're better off with or without him?



  6. #6
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    Sep. 20, 2008
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    Beautiful Western Washington
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    Default

    Well, I agree with LLDM, but since you asked... no, I wouldnt, Ive tried it and all the repression was too much and manifested in other ways that ultimately affected the relationship. I also dont believe that the sex drive dies.. lots of older sexually intimate people out there. So Im just saying from experience that its harder than you think. See if he can get some help first, or get sex counseling.. it sounds silly but if there is a will there's a way esp if you two are open about it.
    www.windhorsefrm.org and on Facebook too!
    Where mares rule and Basset Hounds drool!



  7. #7
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    Jan. 4, 2007
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    TX
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    Default

    How about running such questions thru a marriage counselor?
    They may have ideas you both have not considered yet, that work for so many in your situation, some that have been happily married for years now.



  8. #8
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    Oct. 22, 2003
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    1,897

    Default

    Just going to throw this out there (and please don't take it as judgemental, I'm just talking. Outside perspective and all)

    There are a few things you said that make me wonder if he is insecure about his physical body (the ED sure as hell doesn't help) and that mental side of things is compounding the issues for him.

    You said he is aware he's not your physical ideal. You also actually talk about how he's physically unappealing to you and why. You go into fairly intricate detail about his habits and yours. You may not realize it, but there's a very subtle level of harshness in there: YOU go to the gym and get results. He doesn't. I get your bluntness and honesty (I also respect it) but if the vibe I get from this post is the vibe HE gets when you talk, he may feel diminished/insecure inside.

    Sounds like you've never been "one of the fatties" or someone who has felt really unattractive and unappealing. I can't tell you how small and worthless you feel inside. It's like you're not even attached to your own skin and it's just this shell you rattle around inside. And one of the absolute most hurtful and horrible things you can say is "well, go to the gym. Work harder. Eat less." Yes. Duh. But you've got to grasp there's this entire unhealthy toxic thought process in our heads.

    As a man in his 50s with the "flab" it's probably he can't build the muscle mass/tone you want. Or he isn't working out/eating properly to get the results he needs. If he's doing lots of cardio it's going to burn off his muscle mass. It's hard to have both. This may not be an issue of work harder but work smarter. And I don't care what anyone says, women get HRT, why can't men? Maybe find a doctor willing to discuss horomone therapy for him.

    What also may help (with the gym) is finding a male trainer in his 50s/60s who "gets it". If you're in Dallas I can recommend a fabulous one.

    My ultimate point to this...are you perhaps giving off some kind of "vibe" (even well-intentioned comments can be very hurtful) and it's diminishing his already diminished sexual potency?
    "The nice thing about memories is the good ones are stronger and linger longer than the bad and we sure have some incredibly good memories." - EverythingButWings



  9. #9
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    Nov. 8, 2007
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    Default

    How many of those buff, physically fit guys are looking for you? They're looking for 20-somethings.

    No wonder he has ED, how can he get it up when he knows you are barely tolerating it?

    As a woman 20 years your senior, when you are my age, the last thing in the world you want is some geezer waving his thing in your face all the time.

    My hesitation about marriage for you is that one of you will have to get rid of a farm--when you divorce, which you will, both of you will end up with less than what you have now.



  10. #10

    Default

    Speaking from the prespective of a post menopausal woman, my libido has evaporated since menopause. Do I find my husband physically attractive? Yes. Am I interested in having sex with him or anyone else now? Not especially. I'm even taking estrogen medication to alleviate my meopausal symptoms (night sweats, not flashes).

    If your in your 40's you have ten or else years left before hitting menopause (the average age for the onset of menopause is 52, I believe). While some woman may still have strong libidos post menopause, most don't. Sex may not be so important in a few years.



  11. #11
    Join Date
    Mar. 10, 2007
    Location
    Montana
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    6,334

    Default

    I'll give you the benefit of the doubt that you're not making your decision based solely on what you read on a horse forum.

    Of course it's unique to you, but I'll throw out some random thoughts I have on what you're said here. All those good things about him put together-do they outweigh sex? The times you're away from him-what brings you back? Is it something you can find with someone else? Do you want a different relationship complete with sex with someone else or do you want good sex with him? Great sex is what you make of it. It seems that if the traditional method is hampered by his physical problem that instead of patching that method together, how about finding other new/different methods. There's more than one way to skin that cat, let's say. How important is sex to YOU? Or him? For some people it's very important and for others not. A great life, relationship, marriage, a legacy-that can be a lot. But if you're constantly craving that irreplaceable *spark* you're going to have a difficult time maybe, or need to find a way to deal with the loss of a fabulous conventional sex life. I'll be blunt with my opinion, I think it would be easier to figure out how to be sexually fulfilled with what you have to work with instead of trying to go make a whole entire life/relationship with someone else. But you're going to have to make a bit of a sacrifice/accomodation/adjustment whichever direction you go. If some hot guy shows up in five years are you going to want to leave or do you have enough devotion to this guy to manage that temptation. And for that matter, even if you were having really hot sex with this good guy right now you may not be in five years anyway. That's where the marriage part comes in-the friendship, commonalities, respect, and love makes up for the hot sex. But if you really want the hot sex nothing else is ever going to make up for that. Only you know in your heart where the scales tip. Good luck with your choice-please do talk to professionals and people in your life to help yourself make the right choice for both of you.



  12. #12
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    Apr. 29, 2006
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    3,630

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    There's also no guarantee that if you found the fellow with all the wonderful qualities your current partner possesses PLUS mind-blowing sex, that something won't happen to the sex part. What if you found that fellow tomorrow and then he was diagnosed with cancer or had a car accident that suddenly made sex impossible?



  13. #13
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    Nov. 8, 2005
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    NC
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    It's amazing how attuned people are in very subtle subconscious ways when something is 'not quite right' in a relationship or has changed, and how that can show up in the bedroom, and if/when it's resolved, what happens then.

    I concur that seeing a professional therapist, maybe a sex therapist, can be helpful. Also that there are a wide array of options that seem to work just fine whether or not any of them are temporarily or even permanently unavailable. (ED is often a lifestyle marker and tends to track with arterial blockages in some cases. Might be worthwhile to look into that.)

    It probably could be okay to have a sexless companionate marriage late enough in life. You both seem way too young to have reached the stage to seriously consider that now.
    "Things should be as simple as possible,
    but no simpler." - Einstein

    “So what’s up with years of lessons? You still can’t ride a damn horse?!”



  14. #14
    Join Date
    Jan. 1, 2012
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    Great insight from everyone. I am hoping more mature women who have gone through menopause and beyond will respond. I added some points in the original post. I am middle 40. Could be pre menopausal I suppose.

    Yes we have a very intimate relationship. We both admit we know and understand each other like no one before.

    Like I was originally thinking, sex really might not be so important in the whole grand scheme of things.



  15. #15
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    Jan. 1, 2012
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    Quote Originally Posted by Adamantane View Post
    It's amazing how attuned people are in very subtle subconscious ways when something is 'not quite right' in a relationship or has changed, and how that can show up in the bedroom, and if/when it's resolved, what happens then.

    I concur that seeing a professional therapist, maybe a sex therapist, can be helpful. Also that there are a wide array of options that seem to work just fine whether or not any of them are temporarily or even permanently unavailable. (ED is often a lifestyle marker and tends to track with arterial blockages in some cases. Might be worthwhile to look into that.)

    It probably could be okay to have a sexless companionate marriage late enough in life. You both seem way too young to have reached the stage to seriously consider that now.

    Sex therapist. Good idea!

    You are correct about the lifestyle marker: he allowed himself to have a heart attack in his early 40's. Having almost died, gaining the weight back just blows my mind.



  16. #16
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    Jan. 1, 2012
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    I'll respond a bit later. Need to sign out now.



  17. #17
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    Apr. 21, 2000
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    Upperco, MD
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rhyadawn View Post
    Just because his below the belt isn't quite up to snuff doesn't mean he doesn't have a working tongue and fingers.
    Very well said!!!




  18. #18
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    Jan. 4, 2007
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    TX
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    Quote Originally Posted by Carol Alt View Post
    Sex therapist. Good idea!

    You are correct about the lifestyle marker: he allowed himself to have a heart attack in his early 40's. Having almost died, gaining the weight back just blows my mind.
    Hey, I had a heart attack at almost 60, but it was from a heart defect I was born with, that no one knew about.

    Anyway, never was fat before, but after that, the medication and activity restrictions added 35 lbs in the first 5 1/2 months after the heart attack.

    Still, the Drs said better overweight and on that medication than risking a very possible next heart attack.

    Yes, he has to exercise, but depending on how much damage he has to his heart, he can only do so much.

    I think you need to talk to a family counselor, they handle situations like you have there all day long and know what may help.
    Give that a try.



  19. #19
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    Nov. 13, 2007
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    NW Louisiana
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    It honestly sounds like he has low testosterone, which could account for a lot of that. He might want to see a doctor. Testosterone replacement is simple. Just a cream applied daily.

    If that's not the cause, then you just have to decide if it's worth it for you. I'm 30, but the marriage I am ending was way less than ideal in the bedroom. It started out great in every other respect, and there was more to the divorce decision than our sex life, but for me it did distance me from the relationship. I don't think I would marry someone that left me unsatisfied, because if you don't have that, you just have a friend IMO. I have several good friends, and while a few more would be fine, I want more than that out of a relationship.



  20. #20
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    Jan. 6, 2001
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    Washington State
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    I guess I'm wondering why you both are feeling the need/desire to get married at all...to anyone. From what your original post said, you have much in common and have a great time together. Is that not enough? Does it have to be a marriage? Can you just be really good friends with or without benefits and still enjoy all the things you do together?



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