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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Sep. 23, 2009
    Posts
    573

    Default Just a little whining

    Ok, just whining a bit.

    3 years ago, my husband and I moved from Florida to Pennsylvania. I love this area. I love the hills, the horse country, my job, my house, the garden, and living in farm country. I love having a corn field across the street and chickens in the back yard. The people are awesome here, and I never worry about anyone breaking into my house or anything like that. I really like being six states away from my MIL because she is very demanding and gets very hard to live around if things don't go exactly her way.

    A week ago today, my husbands grandfather called us. He's been having health problems, and the gist of the story is that he is offering to give us his house and land if we will come back to Florida and live with him so that he doesn't have to move into a nursing home. Mentally, he is perfectly fine, but he just doesn't need to be by himself any more.

    That isn't something we can say no to. DH's grandfather is a wonderful man, and he's done a lot for everyone in the family, us included. DH is THRILLED to be going back. Me, not so much. So, we are going. And we are going to live a block away from the MIL. DH keeps saying "we'll have our own house", but I happen to think the MIL will be in our business constantly. And I'll have to spend a lot of time argueing about it being our house, not her house, or give into her and then feel like an idiot about it. DH won't stand up to her, he chooses to deal with the problem by ignoring it. It's a problem.

    So, I'm whining. We can't say no to DH's grandfather, and we are moving back to Florida. And I'm whiny and unhappy about it. *sigh* Oh well, suck it up sunshine and get over it, right????



  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jan. 24, 2000
    Location
    Somewhere in the Midwest
    Posts
    2,097

    Default

    Is there any way at all to move DH grandfather to PA to live with you there? Even if it means him being in an apartment nearby and eventually moving in with you? It sounds like a no-win situation.
    What would happen if you really put your foot down with DH to have some clear boundaries set in regards to MIL? Any other problem relatives or just MIL?



  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jan. 10, 2010
    Posts
    1,005

    Default

    i agree....move gramps to PA



  4. #4
    Join Date
    Aug. 20, 2006
    Location
    Pa-eternally laboring in the infinite creative and sustentative work of the universe
    Posts
    1,192

    Default

    Moving your Grandfather to Pa is Not a good idea.

    All my *elders* have moved to Florida From Pa/NJ for many reasons -- mostly health reasons. The winter weather is horrible for the elderly in Pa.(the whole Northeast actually).

    Dr's have dubbed Pa *sinusitis-alley* and broncitis isnt far behind. The nursing homes struggle over the winter months to keep the colds and pneumonia's from spreading like wildfire.

    If your DH wont set boundaries with his mother, you can. Run them past your DH first so hes well aware of your intentions. You can send her a note letting her know of your soon-return, and the rules of your-new-house; even stating how unhappy you were with your past relationship and how you intend to start a new relationship. List your boundaries.

    Maybe she'll stew a while, but if shes given no choice, she'll either eventually get used to it, or not visit. Either way, its a win-win. Im sure your *grandfather* wont stand for a minute of it!, so you might have some good back-up there.

    I personally think you can make a good thing out of this situation.
    IN GOD WE TRUST
    OTTB's ready to show/event/jumpers. Track ponies for perfect trail partners.
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  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jan. 6, 2003
    Location
    CT
    Posts
    3,461

    Default

    I suppose there's a reason Grandfather isn't asking his daughter to look after him.



  6. #6
    Join Date
    Feb. 28, 2006
    Location
    The rocky part of KY
    Posts
    9,385

    Default

    You can do this. The anticipation may be much worse than the reality.

    Sit down and discuss with your DH. Boundaries need to be created and honored by the two of you, and make sure that you have an agreement with grandpa that legally reiterates any promises he's made regarding if you get the house in exchange for his care during his life estate, etc.

    You may wind up caring for him 24/7 for a while there and you all need to be thinking more about that than the MIL you might be able to rope into helping out (if she's that intrusive).
    Courageous Weenie Eventer Wannabe
    Incredible Invisible



  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jan. 4, 2007
    Location
    TX
    Posts
    40,885

    Default

    I would not put anything in writing!

    Go live wherever your life takes you.
    Be prepared to set limits as those are being infringed on, but also be gracious about it.
    Don't let what those you don't want running some parts of your life do so, be polite but insist in doing what you need to do, even if some are passive aggressive and grumble all along.
    Let them grumble, they will have to get over it.

    Go into this with a backbone, give your husband notice that is how it will have to be and try not to knock heads over this, where that may come to be with your relatives.

    Try to relax about this, take the good with the bad.
    Remember, those situations as you are walking in are very fluid.
    The conditions may keep changing on you.
    The gentleman may need a different kind of care soon, that will change the arrangement you expect to find there.

    Good luck, such situations are not always easy.
    It is hard to contemplate moving, when you are happy where you are.



  8. #8
    Join Date
    Feb. 5, 2002
    Posts
    2,018

    Default

    Any chance you can hold onto your property in PA with the agreement that you'll move back there as soon as you can? with the real estate market being what it is, you can probably make lots of good arguments for not selling right away. And if it really didn't work out in FL you'd have a place to go back to.



  9. #9
    Join Date
    Sep. 23, 2009
    Posts
    573

    Default

    We rent up here, no property to keep. And our house is way to small for three people, two dogs, and two cats. Besides, Grandfathers family is either in Georgia or Florida, and he's lived there his whole life. It wouldn't be fair to move him this far north. Poor man would probably freeze to death anyway.

    I've tried to set boundries with MIL before, it makes for interesting times. And in a "oh God, oh God, we are all going to die" kind of interesting way. (if anyone got that reference, they get extra bonus points from me) We will try again, along the lines of 1. you need to call before just coming over 2. if we decide to redecorate something, you have no say in it unless we ask you too. 3. you will not feed my dogs or my horse anything they are not supposed to eat. 4. we are not at your beck and call as entertainment, horse/dog sitters, or for yard work help. We will help as we can, but it's our right to say no and mean it.

    Grandfather is not asking his daughter for help because she is a bit of a hoarder and her house is not really a good place for anyone to be.



  10. #10
    Join Date
    Sep. 23, 2004
    Location
    Holland Twp., NJ
    Posts
    2,517

    Default

    Firefly, FTW!

    Perhaps a compromise between the written list you offer and Bluey's southern charm?

    1. In order to make sure we can be available to spend time with you, please call before coming over. If you don't call, I may be obligated to do other things instead of visit with you!

    2. While your input and experience are helpful, when we make decisions about decoration or renovating our spaces, we like to include ideas from many different sources. So please do not be offended if we don't take all of yours!

    3. Please do not feed any of my pets, equine or otherwise, anything. Full stop.

    4. See #1. We need notice if you require our assistance, and even then we may have previous plans.
    Do not take anything to heart. Do not hanker after signs of progress. Founder of the Riders with Fibromyalgia clique.



  11. #11
    Join Date
    Jun. 24, 2005
    Location
    Alabama
    Posts
    8,547

    Default

    First change the locks, and don't give you know who or others the key. MIL can't move any junk on the property ever (hoarders will do this), what are the financials involved (don't get screwed by some old will and end up living in MIL's house, and all of you out on the street-it happens a lot).

    Before you set foot in the house the house and all property documents must be transferred to you and DH, and filed legally. Grandpa needs to give you medical power of attorney or MIL will have legal say when something happens. Make sure MIL doesn't have any accounts or credit accounts that she has access to. If there are any accounts, property or vehicles with other people's names on them this has to change immediately (or else you find out someone sold the vehicle, etc-that happens too). Expect MIL and others to trash your name all over town when they realize they have lost control.

    Considering resale in parts of Florida you might plan on moving back to PA someday and letting the property go for peanuts, since like many other places the property values in some areas are competing with foreclosures and short sales, and there is too much inventory for the number of sellers. The entire real estate situation might change a lot in the coming years, but you have to be realistic. Of course, most places in Florida still have great resale and value (which you'll hate whenever you pay property taxes). Moving your stuff with a moving company is very affordable since you have somewhere to unload it (either storage or the house), and if you have to unload, store, and redeliver household goods the price virtually doubles.

    Start today to go through the house and get rid of anything you don't ever use and just store. There is no point in moving stuff endlessly just to store it and never use it. Take all vital papers, remotes, pegs for shelves in book cases and cabinets in ziplock bags with you. Get a mail forward form, and change addresses on anything you can now to Grandpa's address.

    I know this is turning your life upside down, but family that loves you and needs you comes first. Someday you'll come back to PA, but right now that's not where you need to be. And who knows what will happen, you might love living in Florida this time too. It's very good of you to do this, and it must be a great comfort to Grandpa to know people he loves are willing to help him.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White



  12. #12
    Join Date
    Jun. 24, 2005
    Location
    Alabama
    Posts
    8,547

    Default

    Go through the credit and banking account bills ASAP, and make sure that he's not paying anyone else's bills for storage lockers (yes, you know who I mean). Can you tell I saw five minutes of the Hoarders on TLC marathon? And if anyone has stuff stored in the attic, basement or storage areas get it out or it will never leave-you will have to be ruthless to protect him and yourselves.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White



  13. #13
    Join Date
    Aug. 2, 2004
    Location
    Whidbey Is, Wash.
    Posts
    9,761

    Default

    Ditto what JanM said. I take it your jobs don't impede you from moving? That must be nice .

    I suggest making a trip first down there, sit with G'pa and discuss finances, ownerships, wills, PoA, etc etc. Hammer out all the gory details, because it's best to get this all out in the open NOW rather than after you've uprooted and moved down there only to find that you each had something different in mind. Discuss with him that his daughter will NOT be intruding into your lives, and see how he feels about that. Discuss living arrangements, such as does he stay in the master bedroom, or you? can his furniture be replaced by some of yours w/o hurt feelings, decor, pets, etc?
    Aisha, my heart from 03/06/1986 to 08/22/2008.

    COTH's official mini-donk enabler.
    Odie, aka the Evil Burrito, is on Facebook.



  14. #14
    Join Date
    Jun. 24, 2005
    Location
    Alabama
    Posts
    8,547

    Default

    By the way, you need to go through all closets, kitchen cabinets, and everything else that old stuff is crammed and clean out outdated stuff that no one will ever use.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White



  15. #15
    Join Date
    Jan. 4, 2007
    Location
    TX
    Posts
    40,885

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by TheJenners View Post
    Ditto what JanM said. I take it your jobs don't impede you from moving? That must be nice .

    I suggest making a trip first down there, sit with G'pa and discuss finances, ownerships, wills, PoA, etc etc. Hammer out all the gory details, because it's best to get this all out in the open NOW rather than after you've uprooted and moved down there only to find that you each had something different in mind. Discuss with him that his daughter will NOT be intruding into your lives, and see how he feels about that. Discuss living arrangements, such as does he stay in the master bedroom, or you? can his furniture be replaced by some of yours w/o hurt feelings, decor, pets, etc?
    This.

    Before you go on with the move, go there and be sure all is arranged to suit everyone before you leave your current home.

    That will avoid moving and then find surprises sprung on you after you are there.



  16. #16
    Join Date
    Jun. 24, 2005
    Location
    Alabama
    Posts
    8,547

    Default

    Also, next time Grandpa goes to the doctor go with him, take every pill, potion, and supplement he takes in a bag and have the doctor or pharmacist make sure there aren't duplications causing overdoses, medication conflicts, and make sure he's taking the right amount of everything on the right schedule.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White



  17. #17
    Join Date
    Jun. 22, 2008
    Location
    Outside Ocala FL - Horse Capital of the World
    Posts
    6,190

    Default

    AE, you have my sympathies, as we moved from CT to FL to help out my in-laws who LIVE WITH US!

    Luckily I love my MIL, and we put additions on the house so I don't have to deal with my FIL very often (we made this move to help my MIL with him).

    I made sure we bought a farm, I spend a lot of time either in my office or in the barn.

    I do hope the boundaries work with the MIL. I managed to be the one in the house with the backbone, and the only one that will stand up to my FIL when he is being an ass. And surpisingly enough, he actually grudgingly admires me for it. He told me one day that he counts on me to be the one to say when he needs to go into a "home", as none of his 3 sons have the guts to do it.

    Good luck, I do hope it works out for you.
    There are friends and faces that may be forgotten, but there are horses that never will be. - Andy Adams



  18. #18
    Join Date
    Jul. 11, 2004
    Posts
    6,890

    Default

    Sorry you married such a wimp...mommy-whipped males are the worst thing for any woman unlucky enough to be married to such babies.

    You definitely got some good advice. Everything in writing, check on where the money is/goes/is due. How much is owed on the property and any appurtances on it...is it worth anything or all debt due to his helping the family out? Might be a zero sum gain with a side order of MIL crap.

    Your mommy-whipped husband needs to prove to you he will deal with his mother, it's not your job, she's his responsibility. If he won't deal with her before coming to Florida, he never will.

    What has gramps promised other family members? Who else has done what he wants with promises of property to come...what other problems are going to happen once the news gets out about you getting the property? Can you really deal with this? If your DH is so whipped by his mom, why do you expect him to have a steel backbone with the other family members?

    Good luck.
    "Sic Gorgiamus Allos Subjectatos Nunc"



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