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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Feb. 3, 2007
    Location
    Gainesville, FL
    Posts
    82

    Default First serious break-up...need advice

    I'll try to keep this short. I'm 22 and was with my boyfriend for almost 6 years. I won't go into all the details, but we broke up a couple weeks ago--nothing dramatic, neither of use did anything wrong, per se, but he still wasn't thrilled about it. I still care about him immensely, but we had just drifted too far apart.

    The last thing he said to me when we broke up was to call him if I change my mind. He said it once, and I thought he just said "Call me," so I told him I would. But then he said "No, call me if you change your mind."

    Well, I haven't changed my mind, but I really feel the need to talk to him. We talked every day for 6 years and now, what, we just won't talk ever again? I also just want to make sure he's doing okay--he was my best friend for a long time and I miss him and care about him.

    I have no idea how to contact him though. I want to respect his wishes about not calling him unless I've changed my mind. Also, I realize maybe we just need time to let things heal a little. But I feel kind of heartless not contacting him at all. I don't want him to think I'm not thinking about him. I guess I also kind of feel like I'm not allowed to miss him or be sad because I'm the one that broke up with him.

    Basically, I'm confused. Do I call him? Do I give it more time? I just need advice from people with a little more life experience.



  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jul. 4, 2008
    Location
    The Great Northwest!
    Posts
    1,342

    Default

    Honey don't compromise. Do what is best for you even if it sucks right now. If you don't want to get back together with him, give him space and maybe in time you can be friends.

    Do something that makes you feel good about yourself! When I suffered my first serious heartbreak I went to the gym with the motivation that I'd make myself look amazing and then flaunt it in his face. It works, and it gave me confidence and I had a fun time flirting and meeting other guys.

    Just don't settle and get stuck with someone you aren't 1000% you want to be with.
    Foaling Around www.facebook.com/foalingaround
    Custom Equestrian Items and Bath Products



  3. #3
    Join Date
    Aug. 2, 2004
    Location
    Whidbey Is, Wash.
    Posts
    9,599

    Default

    Dooooooooooooon't call. If nothing else, think about how you'll be giving him some sort of false hope about the relationship and how cruel it will be to smash that fresh, new little spark of hope.
    Aisha, my heart from 03/06/1986 to 08/22/2008.

    COTH's official mini-donk enabler.
    Odie, aka the Evil Burrito, is on Facebook.



  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jun. 22, 2008
    Location
    Outside Ocala FL - Horse Capital of the World
    Posts
    6,190

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by TheJenners View Post
    Dooooooooooooon't call. If nothing else, think about how you'll be giving him some sort of false hope about the relationship and how cruel it will be to smash that fresh, new little spark of hope.
    This^. I was the party that didn't want the breakup, the ex-boyfriend thought we could be "friends", and that just didn't work for me, and after about 6 months of him calling whenever he felt the need to chat, and re-opening my emotional wounds, I had to tell him "enough, do not call me".

    Weirdest part? After not speaking to me for almost a year, and I was over it and moving on with my life, he resurfaced, and I really made him work for it. We will be celebrating our 17th wedding anniversary this spring.
    There are friends and faces that may be forgotten, but there are horses that never will be. - Andy Adams



  5. #5
    Join Date
    Nov. 2, 2001
    Location
    Packing my bags
    Posts
    30,708

    Default

    You broke up.
    Don't call. It's just a habit that you talked to him every day.

    Maybe, down the road, you realize that you do want to change your mind.
    Or you don't and just run into him.

    But don't call now. Give it time.
    Quote Originally Posted by Mozart View Post
    Personally, I think the moderate use of shock collars in training humans should be allowed.



  6. #6
    Join Date
    Apr. 15, 2010
    Posts
    668

    Default

    Yep. Need to break the habit. When you want to call, find something else to do. Call a girlfriend. Play the xbox dancing game. Go see your horse. Make travel plans. Etc.



  7. #7
    Join Date
    Feb. 3, 2007
    Location
    Gainesville, FL
    Posts
    82

    Default

    Thanks guys, that's just the perspective I needed. I won't call him. I'm enjoying getting to focus solely on me for the first time in my young adult life. Hopefully that doesn't sound too selfish...

    Thanks for the advice



  8. #8
    Join Date
    Nov. 2, 2001
    Location
    Packing my bags
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    30,708

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by babybritain View Post
    Thanks guys, that's just the perspective I needed. I won't call him. I'm enjoying getting to focus solely on me for the first time in my young adult life. Hopefully that doesn't sound too selfish...

    Thanks for the advice
    No, not selfish at all: You have to know yourself and your needs before you can really appreciate a relationship with somebody else.

    Happy New year, Amiga.
    Quote Originally Posted by Mozart View Post
    Personally, I think the moderate use of shock collars in training humans should be allowed.



  9. #9
    Join Date
    Mar. 9, 2006
    Location
    South-Central PA
    Posts
    2,294

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by babybritain View Post
    Thanks guys, that's just the perspective I needed. I won't call him. I'm enjoying getting to focus solely on me for the first time in my young adult life. Hopefully that doesn't sound too selfish...

    Thanks for the advice
    Absolutely NOT selfish! I think everybody should embrace the chance to be independant when you're young. It will likely change you (for the better) for the rest of your life.
    My high school boyfriend & I dated for 4 years, and tearing us apart was the best thing God ever did for me. Now, 20 years later I look back and thank God for the lessons I learned from that relationship, and that it didn't work out. I'm 100% certain I wouldn't have horses, and I wouldn't be sitting here typing this message to you! Now go out and "find" yourself and be happy!
    Cindy



  10. #10
    Join Date
    Aug. 12, 2010
    Location
    Westford, Massachusetts
    Posts
    3,403

    Default

    DON'T call, that would be leading him on and I know you don't want to do that. It sounds like he was your best friend for quite a few years...it sucks to lose your best friend, but if you care about him and don't want to hurt him, don't call. Find another friend to talk to. When he calls YOU, that will likely mean he's over you and you can go back to being friends, minus the romantic bit.



  11. #11
    Join Date
    Oct. 20, 2008
    Location
    Florida, USA
    Posts
    779

    Default

    Oh... I was SO in your shoes 2 years ago... met my ex at 18, was engaged by 21 and left by almost 23...
    He was a fantastic man... I just needed time to grow up..
    He wanted kids, a wife that would take care of him, etc... I wanted to travel the world.
    The "don't call unless you want to see me" thing was the HARDEST thing for me... Every time country music would come on, I would literally have to force myself NOT to pick up my phone...
    Anyways, we did end up talking once every other month for the first year- year and a half. We talk more often now- more like 1/week to catch up and we have been able to get that friendship aspect back...
    You have to look at it as a respect thing- if he asked for you not to call, no matter how hard it is for you to understand that- you need to keep your word!
    Good luck!!!!!
    Proudly living in my "let's save the world bubble"!



  12. #12
    Join Date
    Dec. 12, 2010
    Location
    Kansas
    Posts
    1,176

    Default

    Don't call. I know exactly how that feels. I've been in the same relationship for 5 years, I'm around your age, and we've broken up a few times. I made the choice of facebooking him because I missed talking to him and now we're dating again. Not sure if it's going to work out and if it doesn't we're just setting ourselves up to be sad and heartbroken again. Sigh.
    Dating is complicated.
    http://www.youtube.com/user/NBChoice http://nbchoice.blogspot.com/
    The New Banner's Choice- 1994 ASB Mare
    Dennis The Menace Too- 1999 ASB Gelding
    Dreamacres Sublime- 2008 ASB Gelding



  13. #13
    Join Date
    Feb. 7, 2005
    Location
    Lancaster, PA
    Posts
    4,754

    Default

    Don't call - now. Give it plenty of time and you MAY be able to pursue a friendship later after things calm down. It will probably never work if one of you is still set on having a relationship. And it may take months or even years to move on past that point. Or it may never happen.

    When my first boyfriend and I broke up, I was devastated (and it was a much shorter relationship than yours!) We tried to be friends right away and it was just not working out because I still wanted the relationship and he did not. We had to stop talking and it was that way for several years before we reconnected. At that time both of us had moved on emotionally and now we are able to talk and be friends. (And since then he is happily married and has 2 kids.)

    Time really does heal most things, and that's what you need the most IMO.



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