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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Dec. 24, 2011
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    26

    Default I Want a Divorce

    What Off Topic Day would be complete with out a little marital distress thread?

    I've been married for 13 years to a money grubbing (his money has never been "our money") workaholic. He has put his career before us for as long as I can remember... I have worked and contributed to my upkeep. When we had our child I gave up everything to be a stay at home mom/homemaker.

    Now that I am over being treated like a doormat he is being a complete jerk. I want my freedom. I want to live my life and be who I was meant to be... I know that will strike many here as utterly selfish... but I have never been able to live my own life... I nursed my sick mother and raised my little brother when I was 15, married at 20, had a child by 25...

    So hubby suggested I find a Divorce Mediator since I wasn't worth the $$$ being his wife I guess I don't rate a fancy divorce either. He says he flatly refuses to pay any alimony.... Is that even legal? I don't want to take him to the cleaners... I'm willing to give him EVERYTHING, the house, the farm, the cars, the furniture, even primary custody of our child... I just want my freedom and a little padding to get my feet on the ground.

    Guidance... Suggestions...



  2. #2
    Join Date
    Feb. 20, 2010
    Location
    All 'round Canadia
    Posts
    7,609

    Default

    Get a lawyer!

    They'll know what's legal in your state, and be able to advise you on what's best for you (or fair for you both). Just make sure you have a lawyer for yourself, not one who'll handle both of you in an "amicable" deal - if it's amicable, it won't take long even with a lawyer each.



  3. #3
    Join Date
    Oct. 22, 2003
    Posts
    1,909

    Default

    Lawyer up.

    He can say he won't give you any alimony. Then you take him to court and the judge decides. Although you may have to pay child support if he is the primary custodian of the child.

    Although you saying you "want your freedom" and you're willing to give up primary custody of your child... with your history, it sounds like perhaps you need to talk about this a bit before you take absolute action. You may be contributing to the problems in your marriage more than you are aware.

    I am NOT going to judge you if you want to give up primary care of your child. I am just suggesting that this perhaps, is a warning sign that you have some other issue in place beyond just an unsatisfying marriage. It sounds to me like you want to run away from the life you have. It sounds to me like you never had a childhood and "grew up too soon" and now the lid has blown off the pot.

    Before you do anything drastic, I strongly suggest taking a very long, hard look at yourself, your life and your past and thinking about what happened in the past that is affecting your present and what you REAL motivations are. I've had some people in my life who have go through "delayed teenage rebellion", shed the spouses, the jobs, the houses, get their "freedom" and then, within about a year or two, be full of regrets.
    "The nice thing about memories is the good ones are stronger and linger longer than the bad and we sure have some incredibly good memories." - EverythingButWings


    1 members found this post helpful.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Aug. 17, 2004
    Location
    Rixeyville, VA
    Posts
    7,012

    Default

    Hang in there. Play smart. First, get all the account numbers for everything. Second, do see an attorney to represent your interests. Nothing wrong with mediation, but you have assets and custody to deal with.

    As far as alimony is concerned -- that depends on your state. See at attorney.

    And think 412 times about what you just posted about giving up custody. IF Jr just turned 18, but if Mr. IF and I had split, he would have had to fight me to my last gasp before I would give up custody of my son. Joint custody can work, but really, do you want to leave your child with a person you consider a money-grubbing workaholic? Don't toss the kid out because you want to leave. You will regret it and possibly inflict serious damage to your child.

    Try to stay calm, work with deliberation, agree to nothing and find a lawyer after the holiday.
    Where Fjeral Norwegian Fjords Rule
    http://www.ironwood-farm.com



  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jun. 26, 2009
    Posts
    81

    Default

    If he's such a jerk, why did you stay with him so long and have a child with him? I'm not saying you should not get a divorce. If you don't love him anymore, you should and you shouldn't feel guilty. If he really is a jerk, however, no way should you give him primary custody. Your kid is not a couch, but a vulnerable person, whom you are responsible for and whom you can't just pack off to live with a jerk, because you want freedom. That's awful.
    Last edited by Southernlawyer; Dec. 24, 2011 at 06:03 PM. Reason: grammar and typo



  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jun. 24, 2005
    Location
    Alabama
    Posts
    10,392

    Default

    Ironwood Farms-is exactly right. Don't do something out of desperation you'll regret, and get what is owed to you.

    As others have said Lawyer Up now! It's not his choice what he 'gives' you, many states have compulsory counseling or mediation with kids involved, and you'll get what you deserve to support yourself and your child. He only would want the kid so you would have to pay child support, and so he can hurt you. You are just talking out of frustration and anger right now, but you don't actually know what will happen and you are going to find out reality is different. Go for the biggest shark attorney you can find, and they have to be local. The best way to be screwed in a divorce is to go for the nice attorney and not the shark, and to have someone from outside the local area (some judges really hate that and punish you). Giving up everything when it's not necessary is foolish, and will not help you in the long run.

    Updated opinion-after reading really far towards the end I change everything I said. Since you are a military dependent you can go to your primary doctor or call Military One Source for a referral for a counselor or therapy. If you want to change your life then get off your butt and change it. If you want to get a job then get one. The DC area has tons of public and private schools, and if you don't have current teaching credentials then go online, see what you need to do, and get a job teaching (at private or religious schools I don't think you even need a certification). If you leave, and were married to him while he was active duty for 10 years or over then you get a lot of military privileges that you keep, and your child (I'm assuming that the child is his biological child too-it makes a difference if it's step) will always get to keep his parent's healthcare and privileges until his 20's depending on college or other factors. If you want to leave then do so, and you need a civilian attorney, so get one. And when you leave someone who is devoted to his country and career, and upset everything then don't be surprised when your Ex is snatched up very quickly by someone else. The call it a military 'career' for a reason. My father was military and when he was in DC (most of the time) we barely saw him because he worked a lot, and we understood that. My mother married into the military and knew from the beginning that he was going to have a 20 year plus career involving separations, long hours, seven days a week of work, not much vacation, and probably years of putting up with people and places we weren't going to like. We all made the best of it, and if you aren't willing to do this any longer then maybe it is better you leave.

    Help is there and you can get it if you want it, the economics are virtually guaranteed between benefits and other obligations, and you can settle anything else if you want to, so either fish or cut bait. Whining changes nothing.
    Last edited by JanM; Dec. 27, 2011 at 08:52 PM.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White



  7. #7
    Join Date
    Dec. 24, 2011
    Posts
    26

    Default

    I know where you guys are coming from, trust me... I have wrestled with the custody decision and considering he is the one with the great health insurance that covers our child's medications and our child will be in a great school system that can handle his issues, it will be be best for our child to stay with their father... He's also not a bad father... I'm just not the woman he wanted apparently, and I'm not in love with him, and I'm done trying to be something I'm not.

    I'm not sure an attorney is affordable, and many of the mediators I have researched were divorce attorneys at one point... I WILL find an attorney if it come to it though!

    As for the state, we are in VA.



  8. #8
    Join Date
    Mar. 6, 2002
    Location
    Oregon
    Posts
    6,157

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by ChristmasAlter View Post
    I want to live my life and be who I was meant to be... I know that will strike many here as utterly selfish... but I have never been able to live my own life... I nursed my sick mother and raised my little brother when I was 15, married at 20, had a child by 25...

    So hubby suggested I find a Divorce Mediator since I wasn't worth the $$$ being his wife I guess I don't rate a fancy divorce either.
    If you want to leave, get a lawyer. NOW. You will need one.

    You *chose* the life you have now, do not blame your husband for it, nor your poor child that you're throwing out with the bathwater. If you aren't 'who you were meant to be', it's because YOU didn't make that happen. It isn't your parent's, husband's, or kid's fault.

    I wish you luck, and clarity for the future. I'm sorry you're going through a tough time, the holidays tend to be stressful times and bring out the worst in people.
    What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what
    lies with in us. - Emerson



  9. #9
    Join Date
    Jul. 31, 2008
    Posts
    1,808

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by ChristmasAlter View Post
    I know where you guys are coming from, trust me... I have wrestled with the custody decision and considering he is the one with the great health insurance that covers our child's medications and our child will be in a great school system that can handle his issues, it will be be best for our child to stay with their father.

    I'm not sure an attorney is affordable, and many of the mediators I have researched were divorce attorneys at one point... I WILL find an attorney if it come to it though!

    As for the state, we are in VA.
    Ummm. Even if you divorce, as the person whom has covered the child with insurance, he'd still have to cover the insurance most likely. Really, you are very uneducated right now about your rights. You need to seek out a divorce lawyer who specializes in your circumstances and area to get sound advice. And for heavens sake don't sign anything!
    "Sadly, some people's greatest skill, is being an idiot". (facebook profile pic I saw).



  10. #10
    Join Date
    Nov. 18, 2010
    Location
    california
    Posts
    5,041

    Default

    My marriage is also not going well after 26 years of marriage. I met my husband when I was 17 and have been with him ever since (and no I married in my 20's)

    My advice would be to get a job, part-time or full time. Start slow and see an attorney. Being on your own will require you to work, or go back to school. Plan and think about your life while you are still with your husband.



  11. #11
    Join Date
    Dec. 24, 2011
    Posts
    26

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Heinz 57 View Post
    If you want to leave, get a lawyer. NOW. You will need one.

    You *chose* the life you have now, do not blame your husband for it, nor your poor child that you're throwing out with the bathwater. If you aren't 'who you were meant to be', it's because YOU didn't make that happen. It isn't your parent's, husband's, or kid's fault.

    I wish you luck, and clarity for the future. I'm sorry you're going through a tough time, the holidays tend to be stressful times and bring out the worst in people.
    I'm not throwing my child out... I wouldn't leave my child with their father if I didn't think he would be a good parent... I am a miserable human being, not a monster.

    There were numerous circumstances that I won't get into that led to me marrying at such a young age. I will say that I was a very insecure young woman who had a father whose new wife kicked her out to the curb before her mother was cold in the grave.

    There was a time when I loved my husband, and tried to live up to his standards... But living up to the standards of someone is not a life, it is a prison.



  12. #12
    Join Date
    Jun. 24, 2005
    Location
    Alabama
    Posts
    10,392

    Default

    He has to cover his child with his health insurance. And depending on the county the school areas can be pretty good so changing areas isn't that scary. And usually the one with the most money has to pay the lawyer's fees for both parties. This isn't the 18th century where when you leave and end up in the poorhouse.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White



  13. #13
    Join Date
    Sep. 5, 2005
    Location
    Mass.
    Posts
    6,752

    Default

    You certainly DO want a lawyer. Don't worry about the fees - he'll end up paying them. Especially if there's a minor involved - he can divorce YOU but he is OBLIGATED for child support until the child is 18. Don't screw yourself over because you want to be "done." In most states you are ENTITLED to at least half of all assets that have been accumulated during your marriage. It does NOT matter if he was the sole earner. The assets were taken in during your marriage and you are entitled to half of them.
    GET A LAWYER because you can be damned sure he's going to get one.
    I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care. ~ Dave Barry



  14. #14
    Join Date
    Mar. 12, 2006
    Posts
    4,343

    Default

    My boss went through the ugliest divorce I have ever seen... culminating with her husband moving in with her sister and having an open relationship in front of her kids. Klassy. This week was awful as her daughter refuses to see her father since he's banging her aunt. And dad doesn't understand why the daughter is upset.

    It was a drag out two year ordeal to divvy things up. You should be able to walk away with more than your freedom. And things can get ugly with kids...

    I hope you get an attorney- among other things my boss's attorney was a support for her and someone who had her back. LOL, her ex did not want attorneys either, nor to pay alimony, nor to leave the house, nor to pay the bills. I say this because family and friends may just side with him and get real ugly real quick about you.



  15. #15
    Join Date
    Dec. 24, 2011
    Posts
    26

    Default

    I looked into an attorney... the best in the area wanted $5k upfront... I don't have $5k... There's no way I can come up with it. Not even in the accounts.

    I'm screwed.



  16. #16
    Join Date
    Sep. 5, 2005
    Location
    Mass.
    Posts
    6,752

    Default

    You are NOT screwed. Make an appt with expensive lawyer for a CONSULTATION. This will be, max, a couple hundred bucks IF THAT. Bring in all your husband's financial records (surely you have copies of your tax returns?) and see what lawyer has to say. If they're as substantial as you say, lawyer will be pleased to take you "on spec" with the understanding that (ex) husband will be the one paying the fees.
    I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care. ~ Dave Barry



  17. #17
    Join Date
    Jan. 24, 2000
    Location
    Somewhere in the Midwest
    Posts
    2,209

    Default

    I cannot speak for VA but make some other calls and get referrals. 5K up front is ridiculous, unless it it Gloria Allred. There are even excellent attorneys that will take payments. The most expensive or pretentious does not always mean the best, like trainers....



  18. #18
    Join Date
    Dec. 24, 2011
    Posts
    26

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by NJRider View Post
    I cannot speak for VA but make some other calls and get referrals. 5K up front is ridiculous, unless it it Gloria Allred. There are even excellent attorneys that will take payments. The most expensive or pretentious does not always mean the best, like trainers....
    $300 consultation and $5k retainer I should say. He does have a reputation... Spoke to a woman who had him as her attorney and she said it was the best money she ever spent.

    I really DON'T want any of the stuff... Last thing I need are constant reminders of our life when all I really want is a fresh start.



  19. #19
    Join Date
    Feb. 6, 2003
    Location
    NorthEast
    Posts
    24,895

    Default

    Keep calling around for an attorney who will work with you.
    Expect mediation of some sort when there's a child involved.
    Take the steps necessary to get out.
    Millions of non-working moms and wives get divorces all the time without having an income, it's do-able.

    As for alimony...yeah there's a good chance you won't get any. Depends on which state you live in and a few other things.
    But considering you don't want the child anymore either (many courts will add alimony to help supplement child support, of which you won't be getting any and may be asked to pay out depending if your hubby's attorney feels like being a shit)...
    And you don't want the car or home...alimony helps support the mortgage/vehicles needed for the wife to use/live in...
    and you're healthy and not ancient in age and capable of working...alimony helps support wives who are unable to support themselves...
    I doubt you'll get alimony. And I'm not sure what you'd need it for anyway. Not a mortgage, you don't want the home. Not the child, you don't want that either. Alimony is not to pay for an ex-wife to not have to work or for an ex-wife to have a horse or whatever. Only the very wealthy get alimony to keep them in the style to which they became accustomed.
    You jump in the saddle,
    Hold onto the bridle!
    Jump in the line!
    ...Belefonte



  20. #20
    Join Date
    Dec. 24, 2011
    Posts
    26

    Default

    I hear ya Misty Blue... I just want to be able to pay rent and get a job without having to resort to living in a box next to a dark ally. BTW all of the vehicles are paid off... so even if I took one I wouldn't have a payment... maybe taking a car isn't such a bad idea... Hmmm... at least I wouldn't have to live in a box.

    It's not that I "don't want the kid"... I love my child very much, but I want what is best for them... and that means that they should remain in the most stable environment possible... Me floundering to get my life back on track is NOT the right environment... I may have to move out of state to be closer to family in order to have the support system I'll need... bouncing back and forth between two parents is not going to provide the stability and routine my child desperately needs.



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