Spinoff from horse crazy genes -Anybody live with horse hobby saboteurs?
For example. My mother has never liked the idea of my riding horses. Even when I was a kid (my parents divorced) she objected to it. When I was a teenager I had an opportunity to lease the TB I'd been riding and my dad said it would be okay if she split the cost with him. She said no because horseback riding wasn't ladylike
Just the other day she suggested I sell my horse to save myself $225/month in board because of the economy
Granted we don't have the best of relationships in general when it comes to my chosen lifestyle (away from her), but wow.
Anybody else had or has an active anti-horse saboteur in the family?
He is total garbage! Quick! Hide him on my trailer (Petstorejunkie).
No one's actively a saboteur in my family, but I know my parents and my husband's parents don't understand why on earth I would have a horse when it costs so much money. My MIL, in particular, will ask about costs frequently, and I know it's because she expects us to have kids... haven't broke to her yet that she's stuck with a grandpony! But at the same time, I know they all probably bought me horse stuff for Christmas, including specific things I had on my wishlist--my MIL looked slightly askew at the D-ring French link she got me two years ago, but I'm proud of her for buying it and wrapping it without question! She also wondered if I was going to use my Mayatex saddle blanket as a throw rug. (:
When I told my late MIL (the same one that said she never understood why her son would marry me) that I was pregnant the first words out of her mouth were "Good. Now you'll be getting rid of that horse".
Ummm no, not going to happen.
Luckily Mr P fully emotionally and financially supports my horses. And we have been married for 41 years
I wasn't always a Smurf
Penmerryl's Sophie RIDSH
"I ain't as good as I once was but I'm as good once as I ever was"
The ignore list is my friend. It takes 2 to argue.
Neither of my parents get it, but my father is especially vocal. I finally had to tell him, nicely, to STFU about it. I'm self-sufficient, have a full-time job and am married; all our bills get paid on time, every time, so I don't need any comments from the peanut gallery on how we spend our money. I have a feeling I won't bother to mention the next horse to them for a while ... too much drama!
Have had some unsupportive static, and money is always a 'thing', but I just won't talk about it or listen to it. They have all figured out that I'm not kidding.
Sometimes this is a problem of failing to enforce boundaries in relationships. You don't have to be combative to get family and friends out of your business re: horses, but you sometimes do have to be firm and direct:
"Yes, pony isn't cheap, but I enjoy her and this hobby, and I find it to be worth it."
"I don't cross-examine you about the financing of your hobbies, and I don't plan to answer similar questions from you."
"Yes, it can be dangerous, but I take appropriate precautions and am pretty confident that I know what I'm doing. It's safer than a motorcycle." (not sure if that last part's true, but no one ever argues with that one)
Answering rude / intrusive questions is the entry point for unwelcome familial advice and suggestions. If you fend off the questions politely but firmly, then you are halfway to getting them out of your face about horses.
Also, finally, you have to decide that you don't need their approval to enjoy horses. If you need other folks' approval to like what you like and have the life you want, you will be thwarted at every turn. Wean yourself off wanting their approval for horses and once they see that you aren't waiting for them to tell you that it's ok, they will often STFU.
So why am I sitting here when we should all be on our way to the barn? :-)
I tolerate all kinds of animal idiosyncrasies.
I've found that I don't tolerate people idiosyncrasies as well. - Casey09
I have no one *actively* against it, but my MIL is terrified of horses and wishes I would not ride. Given that she witnessed one of her friends die in a summer camp riding accident when they were 8 or 9, I can't really blame her. I just don't talk about my horse much around her. (My FIL does not have her issues, but he's... untactful about my riding, so I don't bring it up around him at all.)
My mom worries about it, probably because she knows how much it costs from funding my many horsey activities as a teen. I can hear it in her voice when I talk about the horse. When ever I bring up her worries though she firmly insists that whatever I want to spend my money on is between my husband and I and is none of her concern. I know she's lying though, it's a mom's job to worry.
She would also rather have grandkids than grandpets (horse and dogs) but every year there are christmas presents for the dogs and a bag of peppermint treats for the grandhorse. She tries to respect how my husband and I choose to live our lives. Gotta give her credit for that.
My MIL doesn't speak much English, and beyond "thank you" I don't speak any Vietnamese so I don't really know what she thinks about it. My husband says she warns him to have me be careful, and brings up Christofer Reeve every time the horses come up.
My dad has never supported me! I remember over-hearing him lecturing my mom about how this was just a phase and that it would pass, yeah right!! He has always spoken out verbally against it and never came to shows or lessons. His loss. Actually, just last week he called me up and let me know that if I was ever to apply for life insurance with him that I would need to stop riding. Good thing there are people who are supportive in my family and different insurance companies!
Both my sister and I were lucky, our mother didn't like it much (she was scared - and she was right, we had a couple horse-related accidents!) but our parents did support us. I think mainly because at the time, my father was in the army and so riding lessons for us kids at the military school were dirt cheap. They never for a minute considered getting us a horse tho, whatever we said / tried etc nothing worked. And they had great control over us (getting good grades in school etc) with the riding lessons as a "carrot".
My aunt, tho, was my hero. Just to spite my mom (mom was her best friend and married her brother - BETRAYAL!) she lent my older sister the money to buy a horse, when we were still in College. Mom was so mad! Hahaha!
My DH is supportive. His only critic was when our kids were young and he thought I was spending too much time on horse-related stuff and not enough on kids / family-related stuff. He was right, too. He is always right.
Oh yeah, the ultimate boyfriend test. They don't like all the time and/or money and/or whatever spent at the barn. Sooner or later they say something like, why don't you get rid of those hor-- that's as far as they get before my foot is in their butt, kicking them out the door. Lol. It amazed me how quickly some would say it. Sometimes the first date or two. I can't imagine meeting some guy and going, I hate that (thing), get rid of it! What is with people!
Fiance hasn't said anything. Lol. He's pretty supportive. He'd probably prefer not to have them around, but at least understands and actually helps out at the barn. I mean poop scooping and everything, so he's a keeper.
My parents both actively supported my horse habit, from opening a boarding stable to financially support me, to hauling me hither and yon to horse shows (I'll NEVER forget when my father attempted to paint our wooden horse trailer to match our gold and black truck - it came out looking like a bumblebee, but even as a teen I appreciated the effort!).
My first husband also grew up in a horsey family and it was just expected that I would ride and train, but only in the discipline of choice, which was barrel racing (that was a "ladylike activity" ). We also worked cows, and that was acceptable, although I was a sucky roper. I wanted to ride dressage, though, and that was HORRIFYING. Too expensive, too snooty, too...Just not done.
Fast forward past a very messy divorce, a forced sale of my lovely barrel mare (who is still doing fine, btw, thank god - I sold her to a friend) and a remarriage. My now husband is kind of iffy on the horses. His older daughter rode hunters, and that was way expensive. For me, dressage is cheap by comparison because I know where and how to cut costs. But he does support me - doesn't like the money coming away from the family stuff (could take better trips, etc., not like we're starving for the horses). I'm a different person than I was in my first marriage, though - I am more likely to negotiate but less likely to compromise.
Oh my gosh, I laughed when I first saw the title of this thread. I've loved horses all my life and have been discouraged by my parents all my life!
My parents knew about 2-horses I owned back in the 70's and 80's (that I eventually had to sell; the worst days of my life but the best for them). A day never went by without them saying I was stupid to spend money on a horse, get rid of them, sell your equipment because you'll never get another etc.
It took me many years of hearing their never ending discouragement before I finally learned my lesson. Twelve years ago when I met my 2nd husband I got back into horses, owning and breeding, and now neither my parents or in-laws, know we have them.
At first I felt uncomfortable that I was perhaps deceiving them by not sharing this good news (Catholic school guilt; some will know what I'm talking about ) but then I quickly snapped back to reality and thought WTH. For the first time in my life I was happy, my husband supported my passion and he caught the horse-bug too.
So after many years I can now finally laugh because at age 56, even though I still can't tell my parents that I own a horse because they'll make such a fuss, if that's what needs to be done for me and my hubby to enjoy our horses and keep our peace of mind... oh well!! But also, I'm so thankful for all our horsey friends and of course the CoTH family as they all totally "get it"... the wonderful horse bug!!!
Last edited by TexasRose; Dec. 24, 2011 at 07:28 PM.
Paula- <<hugs>>> and empathy. Fortunately my very supportive BF makes up for what my mother lacks. He is not a horse man but is big, strong and supportive. When I used to show, all the ladies at the shows would tell me how lucky I was (what, me the plus-sized rider on the spotted aged Appy and them the dainty ladies with their $$$ WB's and expensive cars?). Even now, as I trail ride my now-retired dressage horse, ladies comment on how fortunate I am to have the support of my BF. Plus my horse just loves him. Hang in there!!!
I thank God every day for the fact that I am a supreme AH when people who have no say over what I do (including my parents) try to butt into my business.
No one except my wife dares question how I spend my money. Not my parents, not my inlaws, not my siblings, not anyone. Most of them don't question it because they understand it isn't any of their business any more than it is mine how they spend their time and money.
But the few who think they can cross that line get put in their place sharply and harshly.
I don't care whose feelings get hurt when relatives try to get into what is none of their business.
Eh well; it's not like I took her advice and put my Fella on the market right? It's just a bit disappointing that at this time and at her age we're having the same damned conversation. No doubt it's less about the horse and more about control.
He is total garbage! Quick! Hide him on my trailer (Petstorejunkie).