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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Dec. 20, 2007
    Posts
    823

    Default Eating Disorders

    I thought about posting this under an alter, but for some odd reason, I decided to brave it and put this out there.

    For the past 2 years, I have been struggling with an eating disorder.

    There, I said it.

    2 years ago, my life was a bit....out of control, let's say. I found comfort by controlling the only thing I could...Food. I would restrict my intake to as little as possible each day, and feel a sense of accomplishment. I began to hate my body, hate the feeling of being inside it, and hate the way I looked. I met a wonderful man, and he has helped me learn to love myself again. Recently, I have begun creeping back into the cycle again, restricting, obsessing, and hating what I see in the mirror.

    The only thing that keeps me sane these days is my horse. I can escape being inside my head for a few hours a day, and it's a blessing. I am currently seeking professional help to get through this, but I wonder if I will ever truly love myself and I am scared that I never will.

    Just needed to get that out. Please feel free to share, comment, or advise Cheers



  2. #2
    Join Date
    Apr. 27, 2007
    Location
    Germantown MD
    Posts
    169

    Default

    you absolutely can do it! You've already started by posting here. Glad to hear you are working with a professional. Sending love and strength your way!



  3. #3
    Join Date
    Oct. 20, 2009
    Posts
    139

    Default

    ((hugs))!

    Eating disorders are one of those things people fall back into easily with the right triggers, and though I've never had one I can definitely understand the feeling of wanting to control anything.

    I can also understand hating yourself.
    The death of one of my good friends was caused by an eating disorder (so I definitely encourage you to continue with your plans to seek out help because they can get serious) and when through a long phase of blaming myself and hating myself for that outcome. It was rough but I can tell you without a doubt that I love myself now :] I think I'm great, wholeheartedly.
    There are still times/bad days/weeks/whatever that can cause me to fall back into that whole "oh nobody likes you, you don't like you, life sucks" feeling, especially transitions, whether they be easy or hard, but I've gotten a lot better at pulling myself out of that funk, and it always helps to have a friend or two who understand the situation or a therapist to help you out too.

    A quote I always found helpful was “when you find yourself lost in the darkness and despair, remember it's only in the black of night you see the stars. And those stars will lead you back home”
    among others.
    PM me if you ever need to talk :]
    good luck!



  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jul. 20, 2004
    Posts
    141

    Default

    I was hospitalized numerous times for an eating disorder a few years back. It was by far the toughest thing I've gone through. For me I finally realized when I got admitted to the hospital with a BP of 70/30 and electrolytes so messed up the doctors didn't know how my heart was still beating, that I didn't want to die and worked my butt of to change my thought patterns. I wish I could say that when I left treatment everything was perfect and I never had issues with eating...doesn't work that way exactly...BUT I feel much more in control now and I don't obsess over weight, scales, changing clothes 1349873 times a day, counting every calorie, etc. I have my life back as cheesy as that sounds. PM me if you want to talk!



  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jul. 19, 2007
    Location
    Michigan
    Posts
    11,264

    Default

    Bulimia here. (I purged by exercising and lax pounding.) First suggestion is stay far away from any calorie-counting, point-counting, OCD-encouraging diet plan. Makes it SO easy to obsess.

    Otherwise, find someone to vent to. Break your eating routine. Think about enjoying what you eat, don't view it as an enemy.



  6. #6
    Join Date
    Mar. 29, 2009
    Location
    Colorado
    Posts
    778

    Default

    I don't have any advice to offer, just hugs and jingles. Adiction of any sort is tough to deal with and it takes time. Be patient with yourself, accept that even if you slip some time you can find your way back to the right path, and believe wholeheartedly that you can do this. You've had other offers of people you can PM, but I'd like to put myself out there as well. Stay strong.



  7. #7
    Join Date
    Dec. 20, 2007
    Posts
    823

    Default

    Thanks for the support everyone, it means a lot to me

    I have been so afraid to tell anyone about it because of the stigma that surrounds ED's and a lot of people are quick to judge.

    It is both comforting and saddening to see fellow CoTHErs struggling with ED's as well - it's nice to know I'm not alone, especially in the horse community, but it's also sad to see it affect people in my "community" if you will.

    I've been in denial about it for so long, it's really scary to admit it, say it aloud and own it....I never thought this would be me...and I never thought I would feel so satisfied from depriving myself. That's not at the kind of thing enjoy, and coming from a strict European home not eating was considered offensive.

    I'm still having a hard time wrapping my head around this whole thing - thank you again for all the support



  8. #8
    Join Date
    Mar. 9, 2006
    Location
    Ontario
    Posts
    599

    Default

    I was (am) also hesitating to post here, but I've also been dealing with bulimia for several years. It gets worse during periods of stress, and even worse when there's a guy in the picture. It developed in college with the fear of the "Freshman 15", and just snowballed from there.

    The only way I'm able to keep it managed is thorough monitoring my fitness and eating really, really well.

    Eating disorders are definitely an ongoing mental and physical battle. Best of luck to you, OP.



  9. #9
    Join Date
    Jan. 18, 2008
    Location
    land of the Canucks aka West Coast B.C.
    Posts
    3,718

    Default

    Nothing to add but big hugs and jingles! You can do it!

    Save the otters: that is a lovely quote!

    P.



  10. #10
    Join Date
    Mar. 4, 2010
    Posts
    15

    Default

    Talking about eating disorders is the hardest thing in the world to do! You just took the first huge jump! I had bulimia for three years of high school, which was three years ago, but I still have issues with it. Sometimes, when I get really stressed out I feel like I did when I was bulimic (hating myself and just being overall depressed). It's hard, but I have a really awesome support system. One of my best friends told me when I was trying to get healthy was "the most liberating thing you can do is get your head out of the toilet bowl." and she was right. Sometimes it's so difficult, but getting help is so, well...helpful! Good luck (:



  11. #11
    Join Date
    Oct. 9, 2000
    Location
    Oregon, sitting on my couch looking out the window at a mountain
    Posts
    9,186

    Default

    Good for you for coming out here and saying something - that is a good step. Like others, I struggled with an eating disorder in high school, and I also have feelings of nobody liking me, not being good enough, feeling like a loser, etc. I no longer starve myself as I used to but sometimes I think I've got body dysmorphic disorder or something - I look in the mirror and see fat and cellulite and grossness.

    Whenever I feel gross about myself I think about the people I know and whom I like. And it never has anything to do with how skinny they are; and in fact the people I enjoy the most are people who are not obsessed with what they eat or what they look like and they (seemingly, at least) are happy with who they are.

    Not loving yourself, or even liking yourself, is a heavy burden to carry. It has been a lifelong struggle for me and I feel for you.



  12. #12
    Join Date
    Mar. 10, 2009
    Posts
    5,725

    Default

    It took me 15 years to lick bulimia. And I was a bad bulimic, sometimes purging 5-6 times a day.

    Almost all of my teeth are capped and crowned, since I ruined them. I had abscesses like you wouldn't believe. The guilt post-purge was AWFUL.

    It started in a weird way for me; one night (I was about 15 or so), we'd been out to dinner and I'd eaten to the point of being uncomfortably full. So the first purge was just to get some comfort. It wasn't til years later that it got a grip on me. Funnily enough, I was NEVER overweight, and very athletic. I'm 5'3" and at my worst I weighed 89 pounds.

    Get help. You'll find a surprising number of people who harbor this "dirty little secret", and it is so freeing to be able to admit it's a problem. And yeah, it's all about control.

    PM me if you want. I'm 7 years free of it, with lovely fake capped teeth!



  13. #13
    Join Date
    Nov. 2, 2001
    Location
    In Jingle Town
    Posts
    34,833

    Default

    No words of wisdom, just many hugs for all of you.

    There is no magic number that makes you like yourself better on the scales or the clothes. But I am sure you have many things you actually like about yourself.

    I am glad you are getting help. A terrible thing not being comfortable with yourself.

    I don't know if it helps (and heaven knows I can't get myself to do it most of the time) celebrate food as the blessing that it is. Not the amount, but the flavor, texture or color.


    Many hugs to you.

    (but I thought ED was that guy problem )
    Quote Originally Posted by Bristol Bay View Post
    Try setting your broomstick to fly at a lower altitude.
    GNU Terry Prachett



  14. #14
    Join Date
    May. 6, 2007
    Location
    Napanee ON
    Posts
    5,030

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Mara View Post
    It took me 15 years to lick bulimia. And I was a bad bulimic, sometimes purging 5-6 times a day.

    Almost all of my teeth are capped and crowned, since I ruined them. I had abscesses like you wouldn't believe. The guilt post-purge was AWFUL.

    It started in a weird way for me; one night (I was about 15 or so), we'd been out to dinner and I'd eaten to the point of being uncomfortably full. So the first purge was just to get some comfort. It wasn't til years later that it got a grip on me. Funnily enough, I was NEVER overweight, and very athletic. I'm 5'3" and at my worst I weighed 89 pounds.

    !
    I had pretty much teh same experience. I was bulimic for about 6 years, and as I struggle with strong anxiety and OCD it only made it worse.

    I stopped myself with no help and haven't had a relapse in 2 or 3 years, although some days when I get really stressed or upset I do think about it. I always go out to the barn (if I'm home) when this happens, and I quickly forget it. Mine wasn't so much about the weight, more about the stress and anxiety control.

    Talk to your doctor, there are serious long term effects. For exaomple, I have serious stomach issues and can only eat certain things now, and my hair is about %15 grey now.

    Lots of support here for you.



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