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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Sep. 16, 1999
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    Ohio: Charter Member - COTH Hockey Clique & COTH Buffy Clique
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    9,143

    Default spinoff of Alone time.

    Lately (in the last year) I've heard so many women talking about their DH/SO's or men in general with an attitude that I don't understand. I am starting to wonder if I'm the weird one here. Things like truly wanting to spend time apart. Separate vacations for the sake of having their own time away from "him"... not that it has to do with any specifics likes or dislikes, simply wanting that time apart. I dunno... I was with DH for 5 years, married for 2.5 before everything exploded 9 months ago. I couldn't and still can't fathom NOT wanting him around. It's not like we did everything together, but I simply enjoyed being around him/having him around me, even if we were doing different things. I know (and know better now) that everyone needs their own time, but it seems like many women I've come across lately have given me the attitude that they honestly and truly PREFER to be alone than with their SO. I don't know how to better describe it and I wish I could. Am I the weird one in that I never felt like that.
    ************
    "Of course it's hard. It's supposed to be hard. It's the Hard that makes it great."

    "Get up... Get out... Get Drunk. Repeat as needed." -- Spike



  2. #2
    Join Date
    Mar. 24, 2009
    Posts
    678

    Default

    Try 'more' time!



  3. #3
    Join Date
    Aug. 12, 2004
    Location
    masshole
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    163

    Default

    My husband and I have been together for 14 years, have lived together for 13 and been married for almost 9. I love him dearly. But I know we both enjoy our alone time. I still love doing things with him, but let's just say I have no objection to him going off on a Sunday afternoon to watch football for a few hours!

    I probably enjoyed spending time with him more when we were 5 years into the relationship, but after a while, I think it's natural to enjoy your alone time.



  4. #4
    Join Date
    Feb. 26, 2011
    Location
    Its not nowhere, but you can see it from here
    Posts
    3,794

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    I love my alone time. A 3 day trip to Iowa to pick up a load of cows was bliss. I didn't have to take care of anybody but me. I slept in a completely silent room for two nights, in the middle of the bed. I was 29 when we married, so I was used to doing things "my" way.

    He went on a 5 day trip back in the spring by himself and it was great. Being apart makes you realize why you like being together.

    We have a trip to San Diego in Nov, then I am going to Vegas with my mom in Dec and I am thinking about booking a trip to AZ or NM to a spa just for me in Jan. Just to unwind and relax by myself
    From AliCat518 "Seriously, why would you NOT put fried chicken in your purse?!"



  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jun. 16, 2008
    Location
    AB
    Posts
    613

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    I love my alone time, and I don't think my husband minds too much when I work or take off for a horseshow for a weekend either!

    Judging by my group of friends only, I'd say those of us who take plenty of alone time are probably have better, happier, healthier relationships and fight less.

    It's my friends who get clingy with their spouses, who insist that they do everything together, that also fight the most, and are often on the verge of dissolving the relationship. Seems to me that having to do everything together is a result of having poor self esteem, emotional dependence and probably some jealousy and control issues mixed in there!



  6. #6
    Join Date
    Sep. 16, 1999
    Location
    Ohio: Charter Member - COTH Hockey Clique & COTH Buffy Clique
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    9,143

    Default

    Gee... thanks KitKat for making me not only self-conscious but neurotic too.
    ************
    "Of course it's hard. It's supposed to be hard. It's the Hard that makes it great."

    "Get up... Get out... Get Drunk. Repeat as needed." -- Spike



  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jun. 16, 2008
    Location
    AB
    Posts
    613

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by tle View Post
    Gee... thanks KitKat for making me not only self-conscious but neurotic too.
    I totally didn't mean it that way. As I said, it is just my experience from observing my own circle of friends. And I don't think I said anything about neurotic



  8. #8
    Join Date
    Mar. 10, 2007
    Location
    Montana
    Posts
    5,193

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    Timely for me.

    My DH and I have been through some bumpy times lately, life just got off tangent a bit. He was having a lot of success while I was having none, we didn't like where we lived and he was anxious for a new job and I was anxious for a different life. Just NQR but not miserable. I often wanted alone time b/c I was irritable and being alone made me not so irritable-I was already up against the wall with Life and his dirty socks on the floor or watching two football games at once was even more annoying.

    Two weeks ago he got a different job and yesterday he left to start that job, 400 miles away.

    In the last couple weeks we've gotten along better than ever before, on the same page and working on a new thing together, adventure and change. My irritations (and his) were no longer the straw that broke the camel's back, they were back to being minor irritations like they should be.

    Today is my first full day of PLENTY of alone time-we'll live apart for maybe the next six months. Ironic that now I don't feel like I want the alone time but I know it will be good for us in the long run.

    So the moral of the story, wanting alone time can be anything from being an independent person living with other people or needing to escape a bad situation even for just a little while.

    To me, wanting to be with your hubby and enjoying that time together is the sign of an extremely happy and healthy relationship. When I'm like that with my DH is when we're at our best.



  9. #9
    Join Date
    Sep. 16, 1999
    Location
    Ohio: Charter Member - COTH Hockey Clique & COTH Buffy Clique
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    I wonder if the desire for time alone has anything to do with having or not having had it. What I mean is that I met DH when I was 36. My longest relationship to that point was a couple that lasted about 6 months or so. never lived with a man til that point either. So in my mind, I already had a TON of alone time. I didn't need to prove I could be independent and do things myself... I already had that. What I hadn't had was time spent with someone I loved... so I craved it, even if it was him playing video games and me reading a book on the couch next to him. Do you think there's any validity to this idea? That after spending a lot of "growing up" alone, one would tend to find that they either prefer that and stick with it... or gravitate towards wanting to spend MORE time with someone else?

    Then again, maybe I'm just trying to make myself feel better.
    ************
    "Of course it's hard. It's supposed to be hard. It's the Hard that makes it great."

    "Get up... Get out... Get Drunk. Repeat as needed." -- Spike



  10. #10
    Join Date
    Jan. 25, 2002
    Location
    NE Ohio
    Posts
    229

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    I have been with my SO for 3 years. We have lived together for the last 2 years. I can honestly say that I have never wanted or needed my "alone time". I enjoy his company, and the longest we have ever been apart was when he was on a 6 day business trip. We have a very healthy relationship, neither of us are clingy and we do go do our own things (we have different hobbies) but we both are ready to be back together by the the end of the day. He is my other half and if he is around, it makes it all the better.

    I think it really depends on the dynamic of the relationship. Some couples may need that alone time and some others may not.



  11. #11
    Join Date
    Mar. 14, 2010
    Location
    Earlysville, Virginia
    Posts
    3,256

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    I have been with my SO for a little over a year. We've lived together about 5 months. I do like my alone time, but not a ton of it.

    I love Saturday mornings when he is up and out of the house by 7 and I get to wake up around 8:30 and just drink my coffee and spend time alone. He loves to be out doing things and I love to relax, so this is perfect for us.

    He has to go to India/Pakistan for a month in February and I am NOT looking forward to that. Maybe a week...but a month is too much. Not only will he be gone, but I will be in charge of taking care of 5 horses, 2 dogs and 2 cats by myself, as well as working 9-5. Oy.
    Charlie Brown (1994 bay TB X gelding)
    White Star (2004 grey TB gelding)

    Mystical Moment, 1977-2010.



  12. #12
    Join Date
    Apr. 29, 2006
    Location
    Evansville, Wisconsin
    Posts
    3,081

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    My husband travels a lot for work, and I have to admit that I rather enjoy my "alone time".

    For one thing, I love to cook, but DH is a really picky eater, and having him "eeeew" at whatever interesting and exciting new thing I've decided to cok kind of puts a damper on the fun. My 7 year old son is actually a much better eater, and we have a blast cooking weird stuff for dinner when we're the only ones eating it.

    I also find it easier to clean and get things done when I'm the only one in the house.

    But most importantly for us, having time apart, whether it's a few days, a few weeks, or a few hours, gives us something to talk about. There's no point in asking "So, how was your day?" if you both spent the day together.

    And personally, I'm not a terribly social person, so I prefer a little solitude in my life from time to time. I was an only child with a single working mom, I lived alone in college, and I'm used to having a lot of time by myself, away form other people.

    I agree with EventGurlie, it really depends on the people involved how much "alone time" is enough or too much.
    "In order to really enjoy a dog, one doesn’t merely train him to be semi-human. The point of it is to open oneself to the possibility of becoming part dog."
    -Edward Hoagland



  13. #13
    Join Date
    Dec. 21, 2008
    Location
    Longing to be where I once was.....
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    2,190

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    Have been married 20 years now. I think a lot has to do with the type of person you are. I have always been very independent as is my DH. We enjoy spending time together and we are fine doing our own things too. We have very different interests and we respect that . Over the years he has had occasion to be gone for several days hunting, taking our 2 sons. My daughter and I love it. we just stay home and do our own thing! To have a healthy relationship I think you need a balance of togetherness and apartness( is that a word??) What worries me is the couples joined at the hip every moment of every day. They may be blissfully happy, but I would go crazy, but that is just who I am.



  14. #14
    Join Date
    Jul. 19, 2007
    Location
    Michigan
    Posts
    10,382

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    Quote Originally Posted by tle View Post
    I wonder if the desire for time alone has anything to do with having or not having had it. What I mean is that I met DH when I was 36. My longest relationship to that point was a couple that lasted about 6 months or so. never lived with a man til that point either. So in my mind, I already had a TON of alone time. I didn't need to prove I could be independent and do things myself... I already had that. What I hadn't had was time spent with someone I loved... so I craved it, even if it was him playing video games and me reading a book on the couch next to him. Do you think there's any validity to this idea? That after spending a lot of "growing up" alone, one would tend to find that they either prefer that and stick with it... or gravitate towards wanting to spend MORE time with someone else?

    Then again, maybe I'm just trying to make myself feel better.
    Maybe *I'm* just trying to make myself feel better (at 33 and halfway to being that crazy spinster with all the cats) but that seems reasonable. I know plenty of couples where if they have an activity that one does but the other doesn't (or does, but can't get time off work or something) they might go away for a weekend, but I don't really know any who do it out of some desperate need for "ME time" or "Girl Time" just for the sake of getting away. If someone is playing WoW and the other's sewing (and maybe it's just me and my nerd friends but there is no hard and fast rule about which is which there--my friend Caitlin's husband is a better "seamstress" than I am!) that's cool.

    Maybe that's part of it, too--do people who feel the need to OMG GET FAR AWAY try to make "together" time TOGETHER--ie you have to be constantly focused on each other and talking and doing the same things? That would drive me around the bend.



  15. #15
    Join Date
    Feb. 5, 2006
    Location
    Kansas
    Posts
    1,404

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    I'd draw a distinction between enjoying some time to myself versus taking a vacation just to get away by myself.

    DH and I have been married for 26 years (um, yes, I was, um, 3 years old when I got married, 'k?). We naturally have some 'alone' time because I have normal weekends off and he works every other weekend. I used to take DD to the barn some weeknights while he stayed home. He has a men's group that meets one evening a week. He used to take the boy scouts camping one weekend a month - not me, no thank you - plus summer camp for a full week or more in the summer.

    We are both fine with those; as several prior posters have noted, those times let you eat the foods your partner hates, watch the TV show you have a secret addiction to without them rolling their eyes, etc. But I do not think I would be comfortable telling him that I wanted a vacation FROM HIM and so was going someplace just for me to enjoy, even if he was also going to take a separate or simultaneous vacation FROM ME. That does not feel to me like a healthy, committed, ongoing relationship.
    Incredible Invisible



  16. #16
    Join Date
    Feb. 26, 2011
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    Its not nowhere, but you can see it from here
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    Our together time isn't stressed to be about being focused on each other. He might be watching one of his stupid sci-fi movies, and I will be reading. All of a sudden, one of us will have something to say, so teh movie gets paused, the book gets put down, and we talk. Then we go back to doing what we were doing.

    As I said before, the alone time makes us appreciate the other and realize how much little, unnoticed stuff they do.

    Much of my desire for alone time is due to the fact that I am a SAHM with a 2yo and an 8yo. And being a dairy farmer is a 7 day a week job, so it isn't like my other friends who have husbands with 9-5s and they get help with the kids on weekends. Sometimes, I just really like to have people not ask me questions. Or ask me to do anything for them
    From AliCat518 "Seriously, why would you NOT put fried chicken in your purse?!"



  17. #17
    Join Date
    Nov. 13, 2005
    Location
    Kentucky
    Posts
    4,131

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    I have been with my husband for going on 14 years and we both LOVE our alone time. We have separate hobbies and do our own thing for part (or all depending on the season) of every weekend. I know couples who are together constantly who seem just as happy as we are so I think it is something that just depends on the people involved. Some people need space (ME!!) and some do not. OP, I would not agonize over this if it seems to be working for you and your spouse.



  18. #18
    Join Date
    Sep. 16, 1999
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    Ohio: Charter Member - COTH Hockey Clique & COTH Buffy Clique
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    Quote Originally Posted by ddashaq View Post
    OP, I would not agonize over this if it seems to be working for you and your spouse.
    It's more me doing some reflective thinking. he moved out (then back then out again) between Feb and april. We've been kind of talking and hanging out a bit since June depending on various busy schedules. At this point I'm not sure where it's going but I'm obviously still dealing with the reprocussions of it. Hence the reflective thinking. I remember a conversation about a year after we were married where he said something about us being past the honeymoon stage... and thinking "no I'm not!" Not sure what that sheds light on but probably something.
    ************
    "Of course it's hard. It's supposed to be hard. It's the Hard that makes it great."

    "Get up... Get out... Get Drunk. Repeat as needed." -- Spike



  19. #19
    Join Date
    Jul. 5, 2007
    Location
    Beside Myself ~ Western NY
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    6,762

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    I like a little alone time, but I don't prefer it to couple time.

    My husband is retired, so he is basically home alone all day. He has at least 9 hours 5 days a week alone in our house to get whatever he needs/wants to get done done. He looks forward to our together time. I, on the other hand, could use a few hours on a regular basis that are "unaccounted for" just so I'm not watching the clock to get home and make dinner or not constantly negotiating the usage of the TV/Computer/Bathroom/Kitchen without someone asking me ever half hour "are you done yet?"



  20. #20
    Join Date
    Feb. 22, 2007
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    3,928

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    I've never been in a relationship where I don't want a lot of alone time, but it isn't really anything to do with my partner. I'm just a really independent person who really likes being alone. I love spending time with my partner and I'm really happy to have him in my life, but I also really love being alone. I don't think there's much in the world more fun than traveling by myself (that's totally alone, no friends or partner or anything), or going out on a solo ride for 8 hours or so, or even just curling up on the couch with only the dogs for company. I don't know why, but I've always been like that. Even when I was a little kid my family used to laugh about how little time I wanted to spend with other people.

    It's not even that I'm not social or anything, because I have a lot of friends and I'm very comfortable in social situations and like spending time with people to a degree. It's just that I don't like spending as much time with others as most people seem to, and my partner is included in that.

    So that's a long way of saying I think personality has a lot to do with it. Some people enjoy spending as much time as possible together, some people don't. Though I do think sometimes wanting to spend so much time together comes from neediness and insecurity, and wanting to spend a lot of time apart can be a sign that there's some emotional distance or lack of feeling between the couple. It just depends on those involved.



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