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  1. #1
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    Aug. 17, 2010
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    Default PTSD

    Any one have a SO with war-related, or other, PTSD?

    I love him to death. But it gets frustrating. Especially getting married in less than a month, it is trying when going thru a difficult patch.

    Most of the time there is nothing I can do but be supportive. I'm fine with that, but sometimes.....

    • I get lonely even when he's there....but not there.
    • I know that he thinks my problems are stupid compared to his inner turmoil.
    • Sometimes I want to be the selfish one.
    • I just have to swallow that he thinks life is hollow.
    • I have to watch him put on a happy mask for everyone when I know it is just an act
    • I know that it is ALL an act and wonder...wonder at so much


    I don't even know what to write, I just need to vent. but it all sounds so selfish. I get angry with him, even though I know its not his fault. I get angry with the Gov't utter lack of respect and support for veterans. I get angry at myself for being angry.

    I dunno, COTH. Any other caretakers out there?
    Tu deviens responsable pour toujours de ce que tu as apprivoisé.
    You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed
    Le Petit Prince



  2. #2
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    Jan. 14, 2005
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    Aiken SC / Fay NC
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    Default

    Yep.

    Be absolutely sure they are ruling out physical issues as well as jumping into the ptsd. For so long, army docs wouldn't diagnose ptsd as ptsd. Now, however, its become the easy catch all diagnosis a lot around here.

    Your problems are not stupid, and wanting to share your own problems is not stupid.

    As much as you love him, the ptsd is HIS problem, you can't internalize it too much...
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  3. #3
    Join Date
    Oct. 11, 2006
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    Default

    My husband is a retired police officer from a violent inner city. He has PTSD. When we were first going out, he never would go to ANY crowded place. If we went out to eat, he had to sit facing the door, so he could see where the threat was going to come from...the mood swings, etc. I know what you are going through. We also in our line of work, deal with officers who are filing for disability as a result of PTSD (and orthopedic conditions as well.)

    You do not have to put your feelings on the back burner because of his condition.

    I would NOT rely solely on the VA to offer assistance. Is it possible that he could see treatment through he own personal insurance, or through a mental health clinic?

    You should also, if you are so inclined and really care about this guy, seek therapy on how to deal with him.

    IT CAN GET BETTER. My husband is mostly normal now (lol that sounds funny.) we have a really nice life. It took some work.It had some tears... He has to want to get the help though. If he's not willing to work at it, then there's little you can do for him. PM me if you need anything...



  4. #4
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    Default

    Some people compartmentalize better than other. My father saw some pretty rough stuff in combat over the years but never had "ptsd" because he is a superb compartmentalizer.... Howevet, that's not always a good thing either.

    The SO had been diagnosed with ptsd, which he has, but they are also taking a second look at some physical issues now finally as well (something he picked up in Iraq caused constant swollen lymph nodes on the neck, once resulting in hospitalization due to airway obstruction) .


    I am not a good compartmentalizer myself, when things aren't right at home, it affects me in all aspects of my life. I'm learning though, that his ptsd symptoms that he exhibits sometimes AREN'T MY FAULT, and that it has nothing to do with me, so I will go do something else and let him work through on his own. Such an individual thing though.
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  5. #5
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by myalter1 View Post
    You do not have to put your feelings on the back burner because of his condition.
    I do this.

    Quote Originally Posted by naters View Post
    some physical issues now finally as well (something he picked up in Iraq caused constant swollen lymph nodes on the neck, once resulting in hospitalization due to airway obstruction) .
    Yeah...From living over there, he has strange lumps on his body.

    Naters, just saw where you are! All American, We're across the state now.


    Thanks to both of you. It is relief to talk about it with someone, who understands, and to not feel guilty about it (that is having a moment for me, about my thoughts, or whatever.)

    I met him after he had already come back, so I don't have to worry about thinking how he has changed from someone I used to know.
    Tu deviens responsable pour toujours de ce que tu as apprivoisé.
    You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed
    Le Petit Prince



  6. #6
    Join Date
    Sep. 1, 2007
    Posts
    679

    Default

    Yes, my husband has PTSD as well. Luckily I am a pretty happy-go-lucky person and can help him out most of the time without much effort. When I can't, I feel terrible.

    It can get depressing on a few levels. He used to be a professional bassoonist for various sympthonies before the war. I LOVED just sitting back and listening to him practice. He lost something like 60% of his hearing in Iraq and HATES to play now. He's working with a therapist and has been for almost a year but he still gets so angry at himself when he goes to play and I am so worried that I will never get to hear him play again.

    We can't go to parties or other highly social events. Just this weekend we got invited to a Halloween party and I was so excited to get to go (we NEVER go to parties. I'm not that big into it and I don't want to put any pressure on him but I love the folks that were there). Well, he lasted less than an hour and spent most of it in the truck waiting for me. I left after that hour because of course he is more important to me, but this isn't the first time that it has happened and for once, I really wanted to be selfish. I normally has no problem putting him first and don't think twice about it (he is really an amazing person and the best husband I could ask for, regardless of the PTSD so it is usually very easy).

    He can't sit with his back to the door. He had an anxiety attack during a horseback riding lesson with my trainer. He had anxiety attacks at least twice a month that leave him exhausted for hours. He is depressed because of it all and that's the hardest part. I can't be the happiest person in the world every hour of every day. Sometimes I just want to sit down and cry, or be cranky, but I don't.

    Its ok though. If it gets very bad, I will go for a drive and cry or be a grump and just talk to myself about it. He is the best man that I have ever known and I wouldn't trade him for the world. I just hope and pray for his sake (and some of my own) that he can get through this.

    Good luck foxtrot. We understand. *hug*



  7. #7
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    Default

    Hooah!

    Oh and chances are, he doesn't think your problems are less important than his.

    He definitely needs to go to an appointment with a "regular" doc and present his physical symptoms for sure. Wouldn't even mention the ptsd when he does. Force them to pay attention to his physical needs also.

    Who did he deploy with? My SO did a few tours with CAV out of Ft Hood.
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  8. #8
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by acoustic View Post
    We can't go to parties or other highly social events.

    He can't sit with his back to the door.

    This was my husband too. It does get better. The more treatment they get... it doesn't ever go away but we can go out to eat now... we go to parties (sometimes)

    Is there a support group that you can join?



  9. #9
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Foxtrot View Post
    I don't even know what to write, I just need to vent. but it all sounds so selfish.
    It is not selfish. Why would it be? There are people in the world whose problems are a hundred times worse than your SO's - so when he focuses on his PTSD, is he being selfish?

    Of course not! There will always be someone worse off, whose problems make yours pale in comparison. That in no way means that your problems are insignificant - they're significant for you (and should therefore be important to your loved ones to varying degrees)!



  10. #10
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    Sep. 1, 2007
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by myalter1 View Post
    This was my husband too. It does get better. The more treatment they get... it doesn't ever go away but we can go out to eat now... we go to parties (sometimes)

    Is there a support group that you can join?
    I don't know yet. I am setting an appointment with his therapist, just myself and her to discuss the best way for me to handle the situations and support him when the anxiety sets in and maybe how to recognize symptoms in order to get him out of a bad place before it sets in fully. I was going to ask her if there was some kind of support group locally. Unfortuneatly we are in an area with many more older veterans vs. Iraq veterans so I don't know how many in my age group there would be. Worth a shot anyway!

    Glad to know it has gotten better. There are times when I feel that he is improving and other times when I feel like nothing as changed. He is trying though so every little victory is worth celebrating.



  11. #11

    Default

    Didn't read all the postings, but if you are dog people at all maybe he might be open to the idea of a service dog. They are doing wonders for wounded veterans. NEADS and a few other programs work specifically with wounded warriors. You might want to check it out. There is also a GREAT book (that I haven't read yet) and the author has some videos on YouTube called "Until Tuesday". Just a thought.
    "You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars;
    you have a right to be here." ~ Desiderata by Max Ehrmann



  12. #12
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    Default

    My SO loves my dog but my dog was poorly socialized as a younger dog and has an unhealthy attatchment for me and doesn't interact with my SO a lot. So make sure its the right dog. LOL.
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  13. #13
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    Default

    We joke that our dog is plotting to get rid of me so it can be just him and her. She is definitely his therapy dog. A friend is going to help get her certified so she can be his service dog. It's either her or a gun with him at all times.

    I have gotten used to automatically picking the seat that faces out or to the door b/c I know he wants to be able to see things. Funny how we adapt.

    BTW, He just had a retreat with Ed Tick. Amazing guy. Look up his work if you're froggy.
    Tu deviens responsable pour toujours de ce que tu as apprivoisé.
    You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed
    Le Petit Prince



  14. #14
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    Default

    Mine never had a pet and I think secretly his feelings get hurt that my dogs such a freak show. Lol


    The cat, however, is ALL about him. She will sleep on his chest for hours on end. He loffs her too
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  15. #15
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    Default

    My boyfriend, soon to be husband, has severe PTSD from his job. It does make life rough, but he's in treatment and on a cocktail that works for him. I also have PTSD (which is how we met) and although we have different causes, we still have to put up with eachothers craziness. In fact, he jokes that I am my own brand of crazy!

    Please just know that you are not alone.
    Member of the "I Ride A Chestnut Thoroughbred Mare, So You Don't Scare Me Clique"



  16. #16
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    May. 24, 2007
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    Monroe, WA USA
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    Default

    My husband has PTSD from Vietnam. Counseling helped both of us. I needed it to understand what was going on with him and to know that it wasn't my fault even when he blamed me for all problems. He needed help too, other than alcohol. I did get worried about him becoming alcoholic on top of everything else, but once he realized what was happening, he was able to cut out the alcohol.

    And it does get better with time even though it never really goes away.



  17. #17
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    One way my SO's PTSD comes out is about people. People being rude, people driving like morons, people generally being jerks, rich CEOs making tons of money off of the war.....

    It eats him alive - I think its because he spent years over there so that the war could be kept there and not HERE, he feels people here could at least not screw over the country or each other.

    A really odd thing is traffic. He can't sit in traffic - he gets super agitated and anxious. When I asked him one day about it (we were in traffic and he was getting super upset) and he said, "people get blown up when the convoy slows down".
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  18. #18
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    Default

    Not to be the heartless one because I totally know what you're going through but it's a question that needs to be asked: Do you think this is the right time to get married?



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