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  1. #1
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    Apr. 21, 2008
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    Default Engagement ring etiquette-UPDATE-got the ring but not engaged

    Your boyfriend proposes. And the ring he gives you is ugly. Not "it's not exactly my style but I can live with it" ugly, I'm talking big gaudy colorful you wouldn't wear to a costume party it's just plan embarrassing type of ring. And this is after you've already picked out and showed him the exact ring you wanted, but he says he wants to pick out something himself based on your ideas.

    WWYD? How horrible would it be to tell him you don't like it and ask for a different ring? Or just be grateful for what you have and get over it?

    This hasn't happened yet but it looks like it could be my situation in a few weeks, and I'm scared! I know I should just love whatever he picks out, but I'm pretty sure I would start crying if he gives me something like the ones he was showing me. I'm HOPING he's just messing around to make me think I won't be getting the ring I want, but knowing him, I'm not sure. I know I'm worrying prematurely but I want to be prepared to handle it in case it does!
    Last edited by BansheeBreeze; Oct. 31, 2011 at 03:11 AM.
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  2. #2
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    Mar. 11, 2007
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    Default

    Hmm I think I might develop an allergy to whatever metal is it made out of and insist on needing to check out the replacement.

    That's hilarious though if he's messing with your head!



  3. #3
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    Feb. 28, 2011
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    He's got to be messing with your head. Rings are too expensive to get something someone might not like. If he isn't messing with your head he's an idiot.



  4. #4
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    I'm voting for messing with your head. My DH did that to me. Bought the ring he knew I wanted (it was at and Estate Agent.) Then sent me a link that it had been sold and made me spend a whole day at the mall walking around looking at other rings. (To his credit he had put down a deposit for them to hold it and I think just wanted to make sure I didn't fall in love with something else when that one was out of the picture.)



  5. #5
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    Aug. 15, 2008
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    Totally sounds like he's messing with you. If so, I like him!

    If not, to me it's sort of one of those things where I know you don't want to hurt his feelings, but if you guys aren't capable of navigating the waters of a discussion about a ring that while you love the effort, it's just not something that you'd LOVE to wear, and you want to feel like you are wearing your feelings for him when you wear your ring yada yada yada...then you probably shouldn't be getting married, ya know?

    I think you can kindly tell him and he'll probably be fine. But my gut says he's having some fun with this.
    "Aye God, Woodrow..."



  6. #6
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    May. 8, 2004
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    Default

    As pointed out, he may well be messing with you; cheers to him if he is!

    However, it sounds like this is important to you. If you would really find an ugly ring a problem, the I would sit the dude down, out on your most serious face and tell him that the ring is really important to you and that you hope he has been listening to you, because it is really important to you.

    If he then gives you a butt ugly ring, you are within your rights to say, "Hey, bucko, I warned you. I love you, I'll marry you, but let's go get a ring I can live with."



  7. #7
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    Oct. 13, 2009
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    I really think he is yanking your chain.

    However, you might want to have a serious talk to him about how that is definitely not your style and it will go back to the store if you are presented with that kind of ring.

    And really, if his joking around has continued for a length of time and is causing you enough worry that you are actually starting to fear getting such a ring, he has really gone too far at this point and it is becoming emotionally cruel. This is also something that needs to be hashed out with him before you say "I Do". Pranks and being a joker is one thing and should be fairly brief. Continued torment is wholly another.



  8. #8
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    May. 15, 2011
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    I actually had this happen to me, but the ring he picked wasn't ugly, it just wasn't my style at all and nothing like what we'd looked at together. I waited a while and then asked him if it was okay if I reset it in something that matched the wedding band and my other jewelry better. Other than that, you could try for an "upgrade" in a few years and just get something more your taste.
    “Thoroughbreds are the best. They’re lighter, quicker, and more intelligent.” -George Morris



  9. #9
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    Jun. 20, 2000
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    I'd tell him FLAT OUT NOW that I wouldn't wear a ring I didn't like because I'm planning on wearing it every day for the rest of my life. If he still insisted on giving me a gaudy ring not my style, I'd accept it (and the proposal) and then tell him I was going to exchange it for a ring I loved as much as I loved him. If he was hurt, I'd ask him: If I promised to buy you a car, and I know you have your eye on a little sports car, how would you feel if I bought you a shiny new MINI VAN? If you need a car, you'd take it, but would you love it like the sports car. I don't think so.

    I didn't think my fiance' was yanking my chain before he gave me a promise ring. Made ALL sorts of comments about where he was going to get it, how much he was going to spend, asked questions like what I liked/didn't like, color etc. From our conversations it was clear we had similar taste in styles, and he only needed my preference for type of metal and size. Totally convinced me I was getting a ring. Then when we got together on Boxing Day, he shows up without present and says (apologetically), I thought I'd better let you pick it out.

    Really? I was less than tickled. I had been so thrilled with hope and expectation of receiving a ring. You see I don't mess with people's heads, and I don't expect them to mess with mine. I don't think it's funny to see their reaction, whether it's simple disappointment, shock, or dismay. I reiterate, he did not do this to be funny. He didn't realize he was setting me up. To his credit, he really was just trying to make sure I got a ring I liked, and Yes, I did end up with the exact ring I wanted, but here's the kicker. We're at the jewelers looking at the case with colored stones. I told him, "I'd be thrilled with any ring in here, which would you choose?" WITHOUT EVEN THINKING he pointed to the ring I now wear on my finger. Definitely was my first choice also.

    My suggestion is that you decide whether you want to get engaged to a man who enjoys playing with your head. I certainly wouldn't.

    Also, learning from experience with the promise ring, I selected my engagement ring and showed it to him. No surprises, except he upgraded the size
    ~Kryswyn~ Always look on the bright side of life, de doo, de doo de doo de doo
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  10. #10
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    Okay, this kind of happened to me. Bless my husband, I LOVE surprises and emeralds, and good natural emeralds can be hard to find and the ones at some of the major chains are just loaded with carbon deposits. I'm something of a jewelry junkie. Unfortunately, I also have champagne tastes but usually a beer budget. Still, there are deals to be found. Anyway, hubby was ready to propose and his cheapskate mother goes with him to pick out MY ring. A mistake, since she's a known cheapskate when it comes to anyone but herself, and then it's spare no expense. So my soon to be husband presents me with a one of the above-described emeralds, which is attractive, but I HATED it.

    I was delighted to be engaged and did not let that spoil the moment, but afterwards, he and I discussed it and I was up front about it bothering me and that if I was going to wear it forever, could we please go find a better stone. So the engagement ring was returned and we went to an independent jeweler and basically purchased the same ring design but better quality stones. We wound up buying our wedding bands there as well. I think it really put his mother's nose out of joint but my husband and his father were fine with it. Mother-in-Law's pattern of behavior has continued to this day so at least I knew that going in.

    And no, I would NOT be thrilled by games playing, if that's what's going on here. In fact, it would piss me off.
    Last edited by FatCatFarm; Oct. 10, 2011 at 02:49 PM.
    Let us ride together; blowing mane and hair; careless of the weather; miles ahead of care...Fat Cat Farm Sport Horses



  11. #11
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    I think the purchase of an engagement ring is a decision that should be made together.



  12. #12
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    Nov. 13, 2007
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    Quote Originally Posted by Go Fish View Post
    I think the purchase of an engagement ring is a decision that should be made together.
    Me too....my husband and I had a lot of fun looking for a ring, and when we finally found the perfect one he bought it and hid it from me for a while until he decided to finally propose.
    "Look, I'm trying not to test the durability of the arena with my face!" (Because only GM can do that.)



  13. #13
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    I don't think he's doing it to be MEAN. Most of the rings he was showing me that he picked out followed the criteria I gave him...they were just really ugly lol. He knows I like unique things but I think he's going too extreme. We have very different tastes.

    I'm guessing that a) he really is trying to find something nice that he picked out because he thinks it will be more special that way(he seemed like he was genuinely trying), or b) he's just trying to throw me off a little so I'm not just knowing for fact that I'm getting that ring, trying to have some element of surprise.

    Personally I always wanted the ring to be a surprise, kind of deflates the big moment when you know it's coming I guess. I'm glad we talked about it beforehand though, and I'm playing along a bit (when he asked for my finger size I said, "Oh because you're getting me gloves for my birthday?!" So now we don't speak of "rings", we speak of "gloves", lol).

    I know his heart is in the right place, I'm just hoping his head is! I flat out told him he didn't need to keep ring shopping since that was the perfect one, so I guess I'll just have to wait a couple weeks (hopefully!), maybe drop a few more not so subtle hints, and see what happens!
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  14. #14
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    Banshee, this is where having a good girl friend or a sister can come in handy, particularly if that friend is close enough with your future fiance to wing-woman for you and say "So when the heck are the two of you going to get married already," work into rings, and figure out what's going on. My kid sister has already informed me that this is her plan.
    "I'm not always sarcastic. Sometimes I'm asleep."
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  15. #15
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    My fiance proposed in March, with an really ugly ring. He tried really hard, but he only heard "Princess Cut" when I said "anything but Princess Cut". The rest of the ring was sort of what I wanted, and I could tell he had tried. He was fine when I told him it wasn't really my style and would he mind if I exchanged it. He just wanted me to be happy considering I hope to wear it for the rest of my life.
    We went together the next week to pick out a different one. He found another one that he liked (Princess Cut yet again), and the jeweler was able to swap out the PC diamond for a brilliant cut that I love! So in the end he still got to pick out the ring, but I got to make it my own.
    Hope everything turns out well for you!
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  16. #16
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    I also vote for "messing with your head", especially if the ring he might choose is miles away from the style you liked.

    But just in case, I'd reinforce my style by showing a few different examples of it, not just "the one" ring I picked myself.



  17. #17
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    Very non-traditional, but a friend of mine HATES wearing rings, always has. So her fiance got her an "engagement bracelet" with sapphires and diamonds. It's pretty, but not so flashy she can't wear it every day, although it doesn't STAY on her wrist 24/7 like a ring would on her finger. (I sort of wish I'd thought of this as I'm not crazy about wearing rings myself; I never did until I got engaged. I take them off first thing when I get home from work).

    I don't know what they'll do for wedding bands. (And neither does she).



  18. #18
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    Feb. 25, 2008
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    Ha I just watched the Sex and the City episode where this happened last night! Samantha broke the news to Aiden that his ring was ugly and helped him pick out a ring that was more Carrie's style before he could propose. Do you have someone that could act as Samantha? I picked about 5 different rings that I really liked and then my fiance picked the one he liked the best from there. And he make such a good choice!
    Go Vols!!



  19. #19
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    My boss' husband isn't the most talented gift-giver, so she likes to help him out. She leaves him pictures or catalogs with the pages marked in his briefcase, and the items mysteriously appear for her birthday or the holidays. He still gets to pick, but she's just providing some "options."

    I would think this would work for a ring, no? I'm not married and have never been in your situation, but this seems to work for them without ruffling any feathers.



  20. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mara View Post
    Very non-traditional, but a friend of mine HATES wearing rings, always has. So her fiance got her an "engagement bracelet" with sapphires and diamonds. It's pretty, but not so flashy she can't wear it every day, although it doesn't STAY on her wrist 24/7 like a ring would on her finger. (I sort of wish I'd thought of this as I'm not crazy about wearing rings myself; I never did until I got engaged. I take them off first thing when I get home from work).

    I don't know what they'll do for wedding bands. (And neither does she).
    My friend also hated wearing rings, so her fiance' bought her a Swedish Warmblood weaning for the same amount. The horse has out lasted the husband He tried getting it back in the divorce, but was unintentionally sabotaged by the equine appraiser that gushed about how the horse's value had been increased by the trainer "Alice Reynolds" whose work had been so thorough, and who had been training the horse for X years. My friend's lawyer pointed out to the judge that my friend's maiden name was "Alice Reynolds" and she was the trainer the appraiser was touting. The judge immediately ruled that the horse was the sole property of my friend. The increase in value was likened to the appreciation of a ring. The moral is: get what you want!
    ~Kryswyn~ Always look on the bright side of life, de doo, de doo de doo de doo
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