[Punkie]

I moved from Boston to Ocala over the summer and decided to join an online dating site (plenty of fish) so that I could meet some new people. I had no interest in dating other horse people and the singles scene in the area leaves quite a bit to be desired. So I figured online might be the way to go. This guy emailed me and we started chatting and hit it off right away. Well-educated, well-spoken, has interesting hobbies, loves to travel, and (most importantly) liked that I had a passion and thought the horses were pretty awesome. Big check in the plus column.

So we go on our first date (he takes me for really excellent sushi and then for hookah...two of my favorite things in the whole world. Big check number 2), spend 6 hours getting to know each other, and at the end of the night he asks to see me again the next week. Not an "I'll call you", but an "I really had a great time, I'd love to do something next week if you're interested". Complete gentleman, doesn't try to kiss me, but makes it clear he's interested. So of course I say yes, we go on date number two, have an excellent time again, he kissed me at the end of the night and I invited him to a party that following weekend.

He comes to the party (he is the ONLY non-horse person there!) and gets along famously with my friends, meets my dog and my pig, is awesome with both of them, ends up spending the night (and let me just say ) and then we spent the next day together as well.

Things have continued in this vein for about 6 weeks; he's even been to a horse show with me, spent all day in the blistering sun, helped set jumps, helped groom/hold/bathe my horses, cheered for me ringside, and when I offered for him to leave after I finished my first horse he said "No! I really want to stay and see you ride your other horse!". He was excellent with the horses and even wanted to sit on my jumper and go for a walk after we were done showing.

So everything about this guy is pretty much what I've been looking for and never thought I would find. And he's *gorgeous* to top it all off. But here's the problem; he lied about his age. On his profile, it said he was 27, but when I did a background check on him (weird? maybe, but I wasn't going to meet someone off the internet without making damned sure that they weren't a known criminal, married, etc.), it came up that he is actually 37. The age doesn't bother me in the least bit, in fact I actually feel better that he's in his 30's and not his 20's (I'm 24 but tend to date men that are at least 10 years older), but the fact that he lied about it on his profile does bother me. But here's the issue; I never asked him his age when we first started talking (seemed unnecessary considering it was part of his profile) and now I can't very well say something without seeming like a crazy person.

Everything else about him checks out, and there have even been some things that he could've not told the whole truth about to make himself seem better/more attractive/whatever and he's been really honest. I really, really like him (I haven't liked someone this much probably ever) and very much want to keep seeing him, but I don't know what to do about this whole age thing. Part of me wants to ask him, but I feel like it would be weird considering the amount of time we've been dating and the fact that if he lies to me I have to be honest about doing a background check on him.

I know that it will come up eventually, but for now it's just that one little thing that doesn't sit well with me. Like I said, everything else is great, but I just don't know what to do about this. Any advice oh wise COTHers?

[GoForAGallop]

Hmm, I definitely think it's weird....but congrats to him if he can pull off 27 when he's actually ten years older!

My only suggestion, if you feel like bringing up the issue...."stumble upon" his license? I'm not sure how you'd go about getting your hands on his wallet, but that's the only obvious "non-awkward" way that it might come up, without actually asking in regards to the background check.

And don't worry. I would have done a background check too.

[horsetales]

My first thought would be could it by a typo - off by 10 years almost seems like the finger was off a diget and he just didn't notice. If he hasn't lied about it in person and nothing else seems off from his profile. You can always start a conversation about where he went to school and when did he graduate or something else that would make his age clear and see how he handles it. Everything else is so great, I would give him the benefit of the doubt

[enjoytheride]

Well, I think that doing a background check on a stranger is a smart thing to do, but "stumbling" on or sneaking into his wallet is another.

You can't attack a lie with a lie if you want a truthful relationship.

The next time you meet him tell him up front that you did a background check and found out he's much older. Ask him why. If it's a good enough reason and you really like him agree with him to be honest in the future.

It's possible he was worried about finding a girlfriend being older and didn't plan on you and him hitting it off.

It's also possible he's a creep.

[SillyHorse]

He comes to the party (he is the ONLY non-horse person there!) and gets along famously with my friends, meets my dog and my pig, is awesome with both of them...

He gets a big pass from me about the age thing.

[sketcher]

Some guys are only interested in younger women. It does give you some insight into his character. He may be a little immature or he may be a jerk in that he just likes younger women physically. The second one is not a good thing because you will walk on water as long as you have your 20-something body, all bets are off as you get older.

The other possibility is that he is not yet ready to settle down and as tired of dating women with the ticking clock. At that age, he will meet all the single women who have not yet found 'the one' but are running out of time and the race is on...

Ask him how old he is. Then you should tell him that you did a background check on him before you met him for your own safety. I'm not sure how he could fault you for that. If he lies to you before you tell him you know his age that would be interesting. I'm guessing he'll claim the age was a typo.

I think it is a pretty cynial thing to lie about his age to get a younger girlfriend.

[Eye in the Sky]

Just ask him how old he is. If he tells you the lie verbally, you know something is wrong. If he tells you he's 37, ask him why he wrote 27 on his profile. You'll most easily gage the truth from his response than if you try and beat around the proverbial bush.

[Crown Royal]

Honestly, it wouldn't be a bad thing to tell him you did a background check first. It's the SMART thing to do, and it shouldn't creep him out. Smart women don't meet up with random guys without at least googling first, or looking at criminal history! Tell him you saw that he's actually 37, and ask why his profile said he was 10 years younger (typo perhaps?). Mention that you don't mind the age difference, but wonder why the difference. I think that would be a much better option that snooping for his license, unless he hands it to you for something. If you want a future with him you shouldn't be afraid to be honest now and neither should he. It'll save you a lot of time and frustration if you both are honest.

[IntegritySporthorses]

Honestly, it wouldn't be a bad thing to tell him you did a background check first. It's the SMART thing to do, and it shouldn't creep him out. Smart women don't meet up with random guys without at least googling first, or looking at criminal history! Tell him you saw that he's actually 37, and ask why his profile said he was 10 years younger (typo perhaps?). Mention that you don't mind the age difference, but wonder why the difference. I think that would be a much better option that snooping for his license, unless he hands it to you for something. If you want a future with him you shouldn't be afraid to be honest now and neither should he. It'll save you a lot of time and frustration if you both are honest.

This!!! If it bothers him that you are concerned with your personal safety, he's a jerk. Doing a background check is NOT weird.

[Kelly in NJ]

My first thought would be could it by a typo - off by 10 years almost seems like the finger was off a diget and he just didn't notice. If he hasn't lied about it in person and nothing else seems off from his profile. You can always start a conversation about where he went to school and when did he graduate or something else that would make his age clear and see how he handles it. Everything else is so great, I would give him the benefit of the doubt

I would take this route. Pretty normal conversation..."Where did you go to college? So, what year did you graduate college again?" Or, ask about what jobs he has had, and how long he was at each one, in a get-to-know-you way, maybe start talking about your job or college history and then ask him a few questions.

Way less intrusive and innocent way to find out, and you don't have to admit to the background check.

If he totally lies about it and makes like he is 27, then you will probably have to ask him directly.

[OGM]

Having used online dating in the past I hate to say it, but I've found a lot of people `fib` about age and it's often by 10 years. (easy to blame on a fat finger error)

Seriously, just fess up and tell him you did a background check. If he has spent anytime in online dating he will know it is something many of the sites suggest you do.

[equidae]

The only thing that bothers me is that if he can lie about his age, it shows he has a potential to be dishonest. I don't like dishonesty.

[Where'sMyWhite]

The cynic in me would not believe much of anything I read/saw on a on-line dating site... too easy to project what you would like to be or what you think possible contacts would like you to be and not be yourself.

I think the background check was good idea.

[Jazzy Lady]

I think you should be honest and tell him you did a background check. Tell him it's your way of knowing you can be safe before meeting strangers from the internet. If he's a decent guy, he'll think you were wise. If he gets freaked out by that, then it's a pretty big red flag right there.

Then ask him about the age thing. Honesty is always the best policy. That statement is true.

[redkat]

I got into a serious relationship with a guy who lied about his age when we first met. His reasoning was that, "Because of his real age, online he'd get inquiries from older women, and he wanted to date younger." I accepted it as he'd been forthright about it early.

Maybe you'll have better luck than I did, but nothing good came out of a relationship that started out with a lie. I think you should give him the opportunity to be straight with you and take it as a warning if he won't be.

[Bacardi1]

I agree with others that have posted to just confront him with the fact that you did a background check. That's a pretty common procedure for online hookups. And no one can fault you for doing that. It's a strange & sometimes evil world out there these days.

Just tell him that you really like him, but want him to know that you did the background check & his true age came up. Reasure him that the age isn't the issue; that you just want to know why he felt he needed to lie about it.

I wouldn't be surprised if it was just a confidence issue, in which case you can both laugh about it & let it go. For God's sake, think about the many DECADES that women have been lying about their age, & no one thought it was a big deal.

[sid]

What Eye in the Sky and Jazz Lady said.

Just be honest. No harm in that. And the sooner the better. You'll feel better for being honest yourself, by asking him about this.

Trust isn't an entitlement. It's earned.

[Come Shine]

Have you met any of his friends? How old are they?

If he has lied about his age, isn't open about you meeting his friends, and is making his whole life about being there for your interests, I would be concerned - no matter what the background check said or what he said in his online profile.

[SMF11]

Actions speak louder than words. Give him some time and if he treats you well, and with respect, is there for you, etc., those are the important things.

Personally I wouldn't say I had a background check done, I'd ask his age. It is a test -- if you do that and he lies it gives you good information. If you say "I did a background check and it says you are 37" it gives him the chance to (possibly) lie again and say "oh it was a typo".

I agree with the poster who said get to know his friends. See what they are like, has he known them a long time? Are they responsible?

I wouldn't condemn him for the age thing, but I wouldn't jump in hook line and sinker either. You need more information.

[SweetMutt]

I would just ask. Could by a typo, could be for a reason, could be you read his profile wrong - which I only say because that happened to me recently! I set up a date with someone I knew from college who I happened to reconnect with on Facebook. The weekend before our date he had been in Vegas, and the day of our date I happened to see a picture pop up. Glancing over it I saw that it was a picture of him and a friend from the weekend prior with a caption that called him "the bachelor." Of course from this I went off wondering if he could possibly still be trying to date me while engaged. I went on the date and kept trying to probe around, like asking why he was in Vegas, what they were celebrating, who he lives with, etc... probably sounding like an idiot in the process. I got nothing and we totally hit it off otherwise, so I finally just asked.

Turns out the person in the picture wasn't him. I went back for a closer look and yep, not him.

I felt like a dork, but at least I cleared it up!

ETA: And by "just ask," I meant just ask how old he is. It could come up in casual conversation. If it bugs you after that you can go in with the whole background check and his profile thing, but you might end up being a dork like I was.