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  1. #1

    Unhappy Love, life and horses

    So I created an alter for this post because I feel totally foolish writing it, but I wanted to "talk" to someone and don't have anyone in my real life that I can share with...

    So, horses are a huge part of my life. I work around them everyday, do boarding, lessons, that kind of thing and have been doing that for over a decade. It takes up a good part of my tie and definitely keeps me from having much of a social life.

    So I had a friend hook me up with someone she knows. We've been e-mailing back and forth every day for a couple of months and in the past month or so have been out for coffee several times and hung out a couple of times as well. He seems like a really nice guy and I was really starting to like him when I got an e-mail yesterday saying he just wanted to let me know that if I wanted a relationship then he'd have to say "no thanks" and that I was nice but not "his type". Needless to say I was upset and did some crying because it basically made me feel like crap...

    So I'm in my late twenties, have never had a boyfriend and am starting to wonder if I'm just going to die a crazy, old horse lady someday... It's kind of a depressing thought... Especially since I am starting to get burnt out of my job as well so I can't even keep myself content by busying myself with work. Ugh. Oh, and obviously I don't have any real friends since I am spilling my guts on COTH...

    Any words of advice/wisdom?



  2. #2
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    Dec. 12, 2005
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    NY
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    Appreciate his ability to be honest with you and move on....There's lots of fish in the sea
    Crayola Posse: Mulberry



  3. #3
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    Sep. 2, 2005
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    Find something else to do with some of your spare time that puts you in a situation where you can meet new people.

    Volunteer some where, take a class, join a book club, something.

    This will help with the burn out and will allow you to get some new friends. And maybe some of those new friends might be male.


    ETA - saying you do not have any spare time does not work either. Make some.



  4. #4
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    Jan. 7, 2009
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    Cincinnati, OH
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    Don't give up.

    I went through most of my twenties without ever dating. Horses took up my time and interest, and the few times I did any dating I always felt so torn between "relationship" time and "barn time." I still have a decorative pillow with the phrase "I wanted a stable relationship, so I bought a horse" embroidered on it.

    None of the guys I dated were horse people, they thought it was "cool" that I had a "hobby" but didn't really understand or respect that it's not the kind of thing you can just put on the shelf, or park in a garage.

    I eventually did meet someone. . .another horse owner, who rode his horse in the same park where I rode mine. We'd actually bumped into each other a few times on trail and stopped to chat, though we "officially" met on equestriansingles.com.

    I immediately knew it was the same guy. . .because, when I saw the photo he posted, I recognized his horse. We've been together almost three years now.

    Still, even dating someone who understands what goes into keeping horses has its own set of challenges. No matter who you meet, you're two unique individuals with your own set of quirks.

    But, like I said, don't give up. Keep doing what you love to do and look after yourself. If you can't enjoy that, there's not another person on this earth who can make you happy.
    Please copy and paste this to your signature if you know someone, or have been affected by someone who needs a smack upside the head. Lets raise awareness.



  5. #5
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    Nov. 8, 2010
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    Maryland
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    You need to find other activities! I'm a super shy person, I am not the person who goes into a room of people and makes friends. But, what really helps me is going out and doing stuff and making an effort to just be friendly to everyone. Go take a tour of a museum, join a Zumba class at the gym, do something outside the horse world that you enjoy, take all offers to go for drinks or coffee (with women too! we all need girlfriends!!) if you like the person. Make time for this part of your life too.

    There are so many people in the world, you just have to put yourself in the position to meet the right one Cheer up, at least he was honest with you in the beginning instead of stringing you along!



  6. #6
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    May. 15, 2011
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    Lexington, KY
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    Don't stress on it too much. I was in the same boat of "I'm just gonna' be an old maid" thought process, never had a boyfriend, went on dates but despised each and every one, finally gave up... and met my husband... at the barn.

    I'm convinced it's when you stop looking for your soulmate that you actually find them.



  7. #7
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    Jul. 19, 2007
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    Michigan
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    I really hope the stop-looking part works as I'm convinced I'm going to be an old maid. Really, at this point, is "not ugly, gainfully employed, doesn't hate animals or have any repulsive hobbies" too much to ask?

    And a museum? Please. You are not going to find eligible bachellors wandering around in a museum.



  8. #8
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    Feb. 20, 2010
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    All 'round Canadia
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    You do have to at least be in a situation where you can meet new people/potential boyfriends. In school it's so easy, you're surrounded by relatively large numbers of people for hours a day.

    If you spend most of your day with a small stable group of co-workers, then head to the barn and then home, the odds of finding someone aren't great. Even the advice to "stop looking" doesn't translate into "go only from home to work to place x, where you've been going all along without any success for 10 years". You have to break out and do something different.



  9. #9
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    Mar. 1, 2011
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    Ontario
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    DAlter - that blows! been there, dont that and got a tshirt to prove it!
    Yes he is a nice guy for telling you now how he feels instead of a few months down the line.........oh wait didn't you say it was a few months of coffee dates etc?!? jerkface! lol Maybe I am blunt but if I don't feel the attraction or tummy flip first date....I am not going to go on a second date (but we can go out as friends only if you still want to)

    I get what your feeling, it's nothing to be embarrassed about!
    I too am a late 20's (okay last of my 20's era) single horse girl who spends all of her time at either work, or the barn.......but I see your full life and raise you being a single mom!

    So stuff like "getting out and joining a group event" just is not an option! My group event is the barn and my horse and thats because I can take my DD with me! See a group!

    I work full time m-f 9-5, then 2 evenings a week I work p/t temp job typing, and part of my board exchange is working at least 2 days a week at the barn.........soooo am I gonna pay for a sitter to come once a week so I can join another club in hopes that Mr Perfect walks in.....yep not gonna happen!

    But there is hope!!! Hollywood says so! I am joking of course.......(damn really need that sarcasm button)

    Honestly, as soon as you look at yourself and focus on your self.........things will happen to better your social life, for both dates and friends.
    Join a gym not to meet people, join because you want to get in better shape and health
    Join a book club because you want to read and dissect more books, not for the hope that a single hottie will walk into the group too!
    Do what you do because you want to! Not because you think it would be a chance to meet someone.

    But hell, I am still single and reaching 30 soo what the puck do I know!?!

    And from reading a few post' around the boards....I swear there needs to be a big ol' barn party for all us single CoTHers!!! it would be a freakin blast!!!!
    if you havent fallen off a horseā€¦.then you havent been ridin long enough



  10. #10
    Join Date
    Oct. 12, 2001
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    So I'm in my late twenties, have never had a boyfriend and am starting to wonder if I'm just going to die a crazy, old horse lady someday... It's kind of a depressing thought...
    there are FAR worse things to be than single- such as, married and miserable. Or recently divorced and hiding out from your ex who is stalking you. The saying "a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle" is VERY true, don't let society convince you otherwise.

    Also consider that since men usually die before women, and kids usually move far far away, it doesn't matter how many boyfriends/ marriages you have, odds are you'll end up alone at the end (and really, being an old, crazy horse lady isn't such a bad thing, is it?).

    I don't really grasp the "abstract" desire to have a boyfriend/husband, ANY boyfriend/husband. Now, if you meet someone who you really like and THEN the desire to become a spouse kicks in, THAT I understand. But the reverse? no.



  11. #11
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    Mar. 22, 2007
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    Bremo Bluff, Virginia
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    Hi. I was you. Worked in a boarding/lesson/show barn, the whole nine yards. I accepted long ago that I would probably never marry because there was no way I'd find someone who would 'get' the horse thing. I knew, too, that I would rather be alone than with the wrong person.

    I got out of the barn job due to burn-out. I wanted to work on my own farm and had NO time. I got a diffedrent job and a year later met someone. He completely gets the horse thing. Both of his siblings and his SIL ride and compete. We'll be married 3 years in January.

    It's going to sound way too philosophical now, but you have to be happy with yourself alone before you can be happy with someone else. So give up, but don't give up. Clear as mud?
    "In the beginning, the universe was created. This made a lot of people angry and has widely been considered as a bad move." -Douglas Adams



  12. #12
    Join Date
    Jan. 16, 2006
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    Oxford, NC
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    474

    Talking GypsyQ has it right

    Blow off this loser! I was 31 and divorced and met a nice guy who I went out with for a couple of months and we'd gone past the coffee stage and one day on the phone he tells me he's just not interested anymore. I was NOT in a good happy stage in life and this does feel like a pretty cruel blow. So I"m sorry for how you feel right now.
    But others are right, fix yourself first. If you are burned out on your job, make a change. Find something else, and by all means, go out and DO something to interact with people, women and men! Find a good hobby, rock climbing, join some kind of group that makes you interact with people in a good way, where you can laugh and enjoy some down time.
    And give up on LOOKING for someone. Actually, there isn't a THING wrong with being a crazy old horse lady, if you are a HAPPY crazy old horse lady. A few years ago, I'd had it with looking for a good relationship, had a steady job I liked (key, have ONE stable GOOD area of life to turn to, be it home, career, school or hobby) and a lame event horse. And I threw it out to the universe (I very much believe in the ability of the universe to answer me, because this has happened several times now). "Universe" I said "I don't know which way my life should go, if I"ll ever remarry, or if I should push hard at competing and throw myself into horses or other things and forever write off men. (no desire for a career change so I did not address this at the time) I have tried in the past to push my life in a particular direction, and found I screw it up alot. So I give up, I am asking for guidance, show me the way. Show me the way, and make it pretty obvious, because we all know I have no ability to take small hints". ---*note: it is very important when you throw things out to the universe to say it OUT LOUD, and be VERY CLEAR about what you are asking for. And be humble and ask only for the opportunity, or clarity, not to be handed a lottery win, that never works--- Very soon afterward I met a great guy and a great horse within 24 hours of each other. "Ha, very funny universe" I said. Knowing the universe was screwing with me, I refused to choose either and just see what happened and simply wouldn't let myself worry about where any of it was going. I ended up with the horse and the man. I"m pregnant with my second child and if I ever get a chance to compete again, it will probably not be until I breed that talented mare to a very nice Irish stallion and take that baby up the levels once my daughter is in pony club. (who am I kidding, that little brat will probably ride fantasy horse better than me from day one and I will lose that ride). Really this is how my life happened to me, and I sincerely believe in addressing God or the universe out loud like this. It has worked for me and my brother several times. Just be careful and don't joke around, I did that earlier this year and ended up pregnant!
    Really, sit down and think about what first steps toward being happy you can make, create opportunities for things to happen, and don't be afraid of the direction things take. Yes, one day the kids will move away (hopefully) and I"ll outlive my husband, and myplan at THAT point, is to go over the TOP crazy horse lady style, wear gaudy crap all the time, buy a couple of horses that will get me killed, fox hunt twice a week and be at a dressage show every weekend with a drink in my hand, spewing opinions loudly. My husband knows this and has been informed that I would appreciate a hefty insurance settlement so that I can fund this pursuit.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  13. #13
    Join Date
    Oct. 25, 2008
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    2,198

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    Quote Originally Posted by EmilyAlyse View Post
    I'm convinced it's when you stop looking for your soulmate that you actually find them.
    Quote Originally Posted by Coanteen View Post
    If you spend most of your day with a small stable group of co-workers, then head to the barn and then home, the odds of finding someone aren't great. Even the advice to "stop looking" doesn't translate into "go only from home to work to place x, where you've been going all along without any success for 10 years". You have to break out and do something different.
    Quote Originally Posted by GypsyQ View Post
    It's going to sound way too philosophical now, but you have to be happy with yourself alone before you can be happy with someone else.
    In a nutshell, all of this.

    I absolutely and totally believe that when it comes to love, you don't find what you're looking for UNTIL YOU STOP LOOKING. Go forth, live your life, enjoy it, be happy with what you have and love who you are. Content people are happy people, and happy people = the kind of people OTHER people want to be around. Desperate people? Not so happy.

    But like Conateen said, you DO have to make an effort to rotate in some circles where you have a reasonable expectation of bumping into an eligible stranger. I'm 36, have been riding horses for 30+ years now, and in all that time, I only can think of ONE single, straight man who either boarded and/or took lessons at any of the who-knows-how-many barns I have been involved with. The handful of males I DO recall were mostly married (often to another boarder) or otherwise unavailable for various reasons.

    So, join a gym, take a P/T job at a coffeeshop, whatever-- just don't let your life be work-barn-home (unless work gets you socializing; in which case, bonus!)...

    It will come when it's supposed to come; there's not a whole lot you can do to speed it up.
    *friend of bar.ka

    "Evidently, I am an unrepentant b*tch, possible trouble maker, and all around super villian"



  14. #14
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    Jul. 5, 2007
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    Quote Originally Posted by DefinitelyAnAlter View Post
    So I'm in my late twenties, have never had a boyfriend and am starting to wonder if I'm just going to die a crazy, old horse lady someday...
    I know a LOT of really truely crazy old horse ladies, and all of them have managed to find at least one husband. Be patient.



  15. #15
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    Nov. 8, 2010
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    Quote Originally Posted by danceronice View Post
    And a museum? Please. You are not going to find eligible bachellors wandering around in a museum.
    haha, valid point. It was just the first thing that popped in my head!



  16. #16
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    Mar. 1, 2003
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    Quote Originally Posted by danceronice View Post
    And a museum? Please. You are not going to find eligible bachellors wandering around in a museum.
    Actually, my worry is that I might, and then have to spend "blissful married life" being dragged around to museums all the time.

    Agree with the poster who said, join clubs/do things you are interested in, for the sake of your interest - at least if you meet someone there, you will have a shared interest!
    Blugal

    You never know what kind of obsessive compulsive crazy person you are until another person imitates your behaviour at a three-day. --Gry2Yng



  17. #17
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    I wander around museums all the time, thank you very much!
    Thus do we growl that our big toes have,
    at this moment, been thrown up from below!



  18. #18
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    Dec. 21, 2008
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    You are not that old to be thinking " old maid" !! Horses and work took up most of my time as well. I met my husband when I was 28 ( my mom did it) and after getting to know him as a friend I made time. No one wants to be second best to your job or horses. My husband ( 20 yrs coming up) is not a horse person, but because they are important to me and I don't make them all consuming, I have never been without at least 2 since we have been married. Relax and really think about the fact that your priorities will need to change to have a man in your life. If you make the time for him that you do for your job and horses a man may be easier to find.



  19. #19
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    You need a wider circle of friends and I may be flamed for this, but there's no reason this can't include the young man that you've been having coffe and hanging out with for a few months.

    Not every male/femal friendship needs to end in a romance. He may have hurt your feelings regarding a 'relationship' but if you enjoyed each other's company, why not keep the friend. If nothing else, he'll tell his other friends that you're cool and you may meet someone special through him.

    My brother met his wife through one one of his 'we tried a relationship but were better as friends' girlfriends. In fact, she was her younger sister!

    And there really is nothing wrong with being the 'crazy old horse lady.' I'm looking forward to being old enough for the label.
    Lowly Farm Hand with Delusions of Barn Biddieom.
    Witherun Farm
    http://witherun-farm.blogspot.com/



  20. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by JollyBadger View Post
    I immediately knew it was the same guy. . .because, when I saw the photo he posted, I recognized his horse.
    you sound like me!



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