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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jun. 17, 2010
    Posts
    14

    Default How do you know if a breakup is final?

    I'm not really sure why I am bothering to use an alter for this...it's not particularly scintillating.

    Short story: Been dating a guy for three years now, friends for a solid two years before that. His family loves me (his mother has fantastical dreams about us getting married and popping out grand babies!) and my family loves him. Both shared and separate interests, so we can be our own people while still having things we enjoy doing together. We just kinda fit nicely into each other's lives, although obviously we have our quirks/spats/etc.

    Recently, maybe the last 6 months or so, things have been kinda rough. We are both serious stress-ers, bottle it up, and can both become big grouches when we are stressed. The unfortunate thing about this is that we are both going through a pretty stressful time in our lives, putting us both a tad on edge. And when one grouchy person lashes out at another grouchy person...it goes downhill from there.

    We've talked about it, realized we're both being babies, etc. But we were still having frequent little spats at a rate of frequency that just made us both more stressed.

    Yesterday, I ended it. There was no event that triggered it, really, except possibly for the fact that I was majorly PMSing and had too much time on my hands to think about ideal fairytale relationships. But I just said "I can't do this anymore. I can't talk about it right now. I just can't do it." And that was it. I think he was a little shellshocked by the abruptness, didn't have a lot to say, and has been giving me my space.

    My concern is...I really miss him. He's a best friend to me, was even before the actual boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. His complete and total absence is going to leave a major gap in my life, although at this point in time we are saying that we are going to be friends. (And have a project that is at least going to force us to be civil for the next month or so.)

    And I guess my main question is...how do you decipher between a rough patch/stressful time in the lives of the people in the relationship vs. just the relationship naturally coming to an end? I keep worrying that I have ended something really good, that just needed a little while to work itself out/a good conversation to straighten things out a bit. What is the general COTH opinion on "breaks"? (Picture Ross from Friends screaming "We were on a break!!!!!") Is it reasonable to just put the relationship on hold for a couple weeks, expecting nothing from each other, and just see how that works out? A trial breakup, if you will...


    Edit: And just for the pros out there (and maybe this should have it's own thread)...what is a reasonable amount to bicker? I'm not talking about screaming fights, where someone ends up sleeping on the couch. Just someone getting feathers ruffled over something minor, some tense words, and everything being patched back up an hour or two later. Those who have been married for 50 years and have never had a single disagreement with their spouse need not respond...I don't believe you!



  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jan. 26, 2010
    Posts
    6,596

    Default

    Yeah, let me know if you find the answer. I'm doing the same thing. Problem is, I miss the good part of him, and he's my best friend. We broke up once for two years, and have gone through mini break ups uncountable times. Is this the last one? I wish I knew how to tell.



  3. #3
    Join Date
    Feb. 12, 2004
    Posts
    828

    Default

    For me, when I met my husband there wasn't ever a question of 'Is this the one?' It was simply, "I need to take this man off the market immediately!!!" We hadn't known each other prior to meeting, and we both had that same instant feeling of yes, this is it.

    Prior to him I had tried a very serious relationship where I often thought, "Is this the guy? I guess we can get married someday, maybe..." I am so, so glad that I went with my gut and ended it.

    That said, there are many times that I miss the good times we had. Same story as you, have known each other for years, get along famously, similar and separate interests, families adore us, etc etc etc. But we were NOT a great match in the long run, and he was sooooo not the guy for me. He is an incredible person though and i wish him the best, and moreover I miss all our inside jokes and those years of friendship that we shared. That won't ever change.

    Anyway, what I'm getting at is that when you know you are meant to be with someone you don't even question it. It's not a "maybe' thing, it's a "when" thing. So if you are questioning at all, then he's probably not the guy for you. That doesn't mean you can't be friends though, if he's amenable and he is on the same page as you.

    Good luck! Love is not for the faint of heart



  4. #4
    Join Date
    May. 7, 2009
    Location
    Victoria, Australia
    Posts
    150

    Default

    To me it sounds like you are both not coping well with stress and taking it out on each other, not intentionally, but in my experience it is hard not to do. Wish I knew how to help you through this, would it help if you two sat down and really talked about it, or got counselling? Stress will be a factor in any oher relationship too. Sorry for what you are going through.



  5. #5
    Join Date
    Feb. 6, 2003
    Location
    NorthEast
    Posts
    24,717

    Default

    Spats are normal. Breaking up over them...well, it depends on the two people involved. I've known couples who did the break up over a temper tantrum/back together when it's over thing a million times and are still together.

    With 2 grouchy people who bottle things up? Bound to happen.

    Although it's also common to regret a break up soon afterward and for a while longer. The 'what ifs' and familiarity of the other person and the possible jealousy if they see someone else and the worry that it was a knee-jerk reaction, etc.

    Talk it out if you two get the chance. Talk it ALL out. and be brutally frank and honest, no pussy footing around. It's the adult thing to do...relationships aren't always easy and most require work. They don't just happen and have worry free haooily ever afters.

    But if there's more dragons that happilies...keeping it broken off might be a good thing. Hard to tell either way since we don't know both of you personally. Only you two do, but you have to be honest with yourselves and each other to figure this one out.

    And don't go by what the families think and feel...support is awesome to have but at the end of the day the relationship is between you and him only.
    You jump in the saddle,
    Hold onto the bridle!
    Jump in the line!
    ...Belefonte



  6. #6
    Join Date
    Nov. 20, 2010
    Location
    Upstate New York
    Posts
    4,359

    Default

    Still almost "ending" my last relationship. Met online - an incredible number of circumstances and things we like together. I mistakenly thought that was also a "symbol" of "it was meant to be". It isn't. (Also believed that fairy tale when I met my ex-husband, "W".)

    "T" and I were together for 4 years, 3 of those working together so "together" was 24/7. At the beginning we did all the fun stuff really well. Then things didn't progress well (I'm a procrastinator, but he stole the prize from me as a bigger one). Quarterly arguments became monthly arguments. He took a lot out on me on a regular basis. Then the arguments became weekly, and I just got tired of being the reason for every issue he had/has. That was 4 months ago. I had walked out before, but always apologized in order to reconcile (he doesn't apologize.) I didn't again.

    Because we still do the fun stuff really well, we have seen each other as friends and done things together still. We pine for our fun times together. But frankly our logistics don't work well. I know now, though, that we won't get together again unless he changes. He's not going to. My needing him to be someone different, someone I "know" he can be, is my sign that it's not going to happen.

    That's been one of my major mistakes. In both this relationship and with "W" (who I was with for 17 years). I kept waiting for them to return to their "best behavior" - how they behaved when I first met them, or after a long absence. What I knew they were capable of being. Ignoring how they behaved 90% of the time. I didn't expect either of them to be perfect. But I kept justifying their bad behavior - work issues, health issues, ex-wife issues as acceptable reasons that I was being treated badly for now. Sometimes, though, "issues" are never going to resolve themselves, and you need to stop waiting for someday.

    If your breakup is based on anything similar, I'd say look forward to something more. Otherwise, if things were really good, and your ending it was just an emotional overreaction, by all means, work your way back.

    Good luck!



  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jun. 17, 2010
    Posts
    14

    Default

    Thanks, everyone, for your words of wisdom. Definitely some good things to think about and process.

    Quote Originally Posted by KateR View Post
    To me it sounds like you are both not coping well with stress and taking it out on each other, not intentionally, but in my experience it is hard not to do. Wish I knew how to help you through this, would it help if you two sat down and really talked about it, or got counselling? Stress will be a factor in any oher relationship too. Sorry for what you are going through.
    We actually have a plan to sit down and talk about things today....luckily we have our own places so we have been able to have some breathing room. I have had a long time to think about it and do have some concrete things that are bothering me, so I plan on tossing those things out there and see if he thinks we can change them. If he doesn't, then I guess I have my answer, because they're things that I feel need to change if the relationship is going to work.

    In the back of my mind I'm so scared that now that HE'S had a few days to think about it, he doesn't even want to entertain getting back together. In the 3-minute breakup convo, we did both say "I love you"..so I'm hopeful!

    Quote Originally Posted by MistyBlue View Post
    Spats are normal. Breaking up over them...well, it depends on the two people involved. I've known couples who did the break up over a temper tantrum/back together when it's over thing a million times and are still together.

    With 2 grouchy people who bottle things up? Bound to happen.


    Talk it out if you two get the chance. Talk it ALL out. and be brutally frank and honest, no pussy footing around...

    .
    Just to clarify, this is the first time we've actually broken up. The spats we have are usually just someone pouting for a while until it's patched up a half hour later. See, parents, this is what happens when you spoil your children!!

    We have a plan to talk later today, and hopefully that will happen. He's not really a talker (whereas I am too much of a talker, sometimes!) and tends to just focus on the bad things I'm saying instead of contributing his own concerns, but I'm hoping that since things have gotten to such an "extreme" point that he will open up and speak a little bit.



    I think last night was just a rough patch for me, when I had posted this....it was the first night we didn't have our daily update/good night checkin phone call, and I was feeling the gap. But I'm glad I did, because I have gotten some good advice. Basically everything is going to depend on the convo later today, I think.



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