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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Feb. 4, 2002
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    2,916

    Default Tacky or just me?

    I received a wedding invitation the other day. Don't really know the happy couple but am good friends with her parents and her daughter (because we are riding friends so I'm close to the bride's father and daughter).

    2nd marriage for both so there's no registry and in fact they specifically requested no gifts - instead they've asked for money for their honeymoon.

    ??? Since I don't really know the bride and groom well, I don't feel real inclined to even GO to this thing. If I don't, am I still obliged to send them $$? Somehow, this just seems wrong to even ask for something like that. At least so blatantly

    Perhaps I'm just an old fuddy duddy. If you don't have money for a honeymoon, perhaps you should not take one until you save enough money to do so.
    ~* Life is the dance you choose *~



  2. #2
    Join Date
    Mar. 14, 2010
    Location
    Earlysville, Virginia
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    3,256

    Default

    If it were me, I wouldnt go and I wouldnt send money. It's kind of awkward they sent you an invite if you dont know them well.

    I am a bit harsh sometimes though!
    Charlie Brown (1994 bay TB X gelding)
    White Star (2004 grey TB gelding)

    Mystical Moment, 1977-2010.



  3. #3
    Join Date
    Feb. 28, 2011
    Posts
    520

    Default

    I refuse to go to any wedding where they ask specifically for money for their gift. I just send a card. An empty card with my best wishes. Very tacky and rude and I refuse to feed into it.



  4. #4
    Join Date
    Nov. 4, 2003
    Location
    Dallas, Georgia
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    16,656

    Default

    Call the Tacky Police.

    If the couple can't afford a honeymoon, they need to either save up for it, or make it a simple trip they CAN afford.

    Any monetary gifts they receive are gravy. Should not be asked for.

    Task tsk.
    <>< Sorrow Looks Back. Worry Looks Around. Faith Looks Up! -- "When they try to tell you these are your Golden years, don't believe 'em.... It's rust."



  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jul. 13, 2008
    Location
    Northern CA
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    502

    Default

    I attended a wedding several weeks ago where the request was no presents but money for the honeymoon. Perhaps it's a new trend? I don't know.



  6. #6
    Join Date
    Oct. 8, 2002
    Location
    Maryland
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    9,543

    Default

    maybe... some friends of mine did something similar when they got married, but there was actually a registry for it. I bought them one of their dinners at a nice place on the beach near their hotel

    It didn't even occur to me to think of it as tacky - wedding gifts, either off a registry or cash, are pretty standard, so whether I threw in some cash to give them a great honeymoon or bought them a set of matching tea towels didn't really make a huge difference to me, and a nice dinner just sounded like more fun to me
    "smile a lot can let us ride happy,it is good thing"

    My CANTER blog.



  7. #7
    reefy! is offline Grand Prix Premium Member
    Original Poster
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    Feb. 4, 2002
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    Default

    Phew - I thought I was just being a meanie.

    I was surprised to be invited - I guess it's because I'm close with her kid. I guess. Or they need money

    I'll have to mull this over. If I send nothing but my regrets (meaning don't go) barn friends (who really are good friends) will know. Might be awkward. I guess when you already have a house and live together it sort of negates the traditional registry of gifts. Another barn friend was invited, haven't had a chance to discuss this with her but I'm pretty sure I know what she'll say -TACKY!
    ~* Life is the dance you choose *~



  8. #8
    Join Date
    Aug. 3, 2004
    Location
    San Francisco
    Posts
    3,823

    Default do what you want

    If you want to go the the wedding to witness or celebrate, go.

    If you want to send a gift, money or otherwise, do.

    Or don't. No need to make comments.
    A man must love a thing very much if he not only practices it without any hope of fame or money, but even practices it without any hope of doing it well.--G. K. Chesterton



  9. #9
    Join Date
    Jul. 9, 2007
    Location
    Cincinnati, Ohio
    Posts
    383

    Default

    My daughter was recently married and they went to Italy for 2 weeks. They had a registry connected with their honeymoon whereby people could buy different activities on thier honeymoon such as breakfast in bed, wine tasting, upgrade to 1st class train seats. It was very reasonably priced and a few people did buy them some special activities. I think asking for money outright for the honeymoon is tacky. If you can't afford it, don't go!



  10. #10
    Join Date
    May. 22, 2003
    Posts
    9,625

    Default

    I NEVER give anything BUT money at a wedding. Registry gifts are for the bridal shower, IMHO. I was born and raised in the suburbs of NYC, and that's how we do it up there. Boxed gifts are NEVER seen at weddings where I grew up. If they are seen, it is obvious they came from out of town guests.

    THAT SAID, it is NEVER appropriate and ALWAYS tacky to mention anything about gifts to your potential guests. It is even tackier to specifically request money (or any gift in particular). If you aren't comfortable going to the wedding, don't go. I can understand why you were invited, though, if you are friends with the parents. At least, it is common for parents of the bride and groom to invite their close friends to their children's weddings where I grew up. I, personally, would send a small gift if I could afford it, though, even if you don't go. That said, I would never expect a gift from someone who didn't attend the wedding (and really didn't "expect" a gift from anyone whether they came or not). Less than 50% of our "no" responses sent a gift. Only one sent a gift comparable to one guests that attended did. I was shocked and grateful for all the gifts we got, especially from those who didn't even attend.

    No matter WHAT you do, though, you cannot be tackier than a particular guest at our wedding:

    Because my husband's family and friends are mostly from out of state, we had some people bring boxed gifts to the wedding... This is the story of one of those gifts...

    My husband's friend got married the week before us and, in the weeks leading up to his wedding, kept sending emails about his wedding and his registry to us, even though they never sent us an invite. Even his fiance was sending us emails about it - and neither one of us had ever met her (and my husband hadn't seen his friend since COLLEGE!) We'd been getting email after email about how we were invited, etc. -- and that's the only reason we invited them to our wedding. This started about 6 months before the wedding -- we finally got an invite about a week after the RSVP date on their invites... nevermind the fact that not two weeks earlier, we received an email about how they had updated their registries... Yes, seriously TACKY.

    We couldn't attend their wedding (it was far away and we had family coming into town early for our wedding - and a million things to do). We RSVP'd no and sent a gift card (to a store where they registered) with the response.

    Only DH's friend came to our wedding (one week after his wedding, without his wife). He brought a gift... it was a Williams & Sonoma cookbook and a set of 4 dessert plates we hadn't registered for (they were very pretty plates). I love to cook, and I immediately opened the cover of the cookbook. I figured everyone opens the cover of a book they get as a gift just as a reflex -- Well, apparently NOT! Inside the front cover was written THEIR names and THEIR wedding date AND a very personal note to them from friends or family of theirs...

    Talk about regifting! At least make sure it's not THAT obvious when you do it!

    I wrote in their thank you card "We'll think about you every time we open the cook book."



  11. #11
    Join Date
    Apr. 4, 2010
    Location
    yonder a bit, GA
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    Default

    I've heard of, and quite like, the idea of buying specific packages or excursions during the couple's honeymoon. I believe my mom bought her office manager and her husband (both on their second marriages, so no traditional registry) a helicopter ride. There were also nice dinners, snorkeling trips, swimming with dolphins, etc. I think helping the couple have really enjoyable, memorable experiences is more rewarding than buying them a vacuum.

    That being said, your invite does seem a little random and I can't imagine the couple or anyone would be offended if you send your regrets. (Also, another thing- I have been to weddings in which the vast majority of attendees were friends of the parents' of the bride... The parents footing the bill and all, so it may not be sooo random... But then again, second marriages of each? Doubt dad of bride is paying again, so who knows.)
    Last edited by bits619; Aug. 26, 2011 at 04:25 PM. Reason: "Dibbers" = dinners to my phone, apparently lol
    (A decidedly unhorsey) MrB knocks over a feed bucket at the tack shop and mutters, "Oh crap. I failed the stadium jumping phase."
    (he does listen!)



  12. #12
    Join Date
    Feb. 18, 2001
    Location
    New York, NY
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    Default

    I think it's actually a new trend. A few of my friends have done "honeymoon registries" where you buy them activities/contribute toward their honeymoons. See: http://www.honeyfund.com/

    For a couple who already lives together, why not? You'd spend the money on a gift anyway...



  13. #13
    Join Date
    Feb. 6, 2003
    Location
    NorthEast
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    Default

    It's tacky to ask for money for the honeymoon...but yesteryear's tacky becomes today's new trend.

    Why? Because etiquette doesn't match up with today's idea of over-the-top everything and the inability/lack of desire to pay for any of it.

    However...even if it is today's trend...the invite itself is tacky. And tons of folks are doing this these days. They *know* if they send out an extra 50-100 invitations to barely-casual acquaintances those people will most probably not go but feel obliged to send money or a gift. It's a freebie for them...no shelling out for the meal, no extra guests they don't really know and don't really want there but a whole lot more money/presents.

    You could really screw with them and go, costing them the price of the meal, LOL!

    But no, you're not obliged to send anything other than regrets for not attending, congratulations on the event and wishes for a long happy marriage.
    You jump in the saddle,
    Hold onto the bridle!
    Jump in the line!
    ...Belefonte



  14. #14
    Join Date
    Feb. 18, 2001
    Location
    New York, NY
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    6,876

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by MistyBlue View Post
    However...even if it is today's trend...the invite itself is tacky. And tons of folks are doing this these days. They *know* if they send out an extra 50-100 invitations to barely-casual acquaintances those people will most probably not go but feel obliged to send money or a gift. It's a freebie for them...no shelling out for the meal, no extra guests they don't really know and don't really want there but a whole lot more money/presents.
    Yep. Absolutely agree that this is tacky, and I also agree that the OP has no obligation to send a gift or attend...

    But as someone who lives, unmarried, with an SO, the honeymoon registry is understandable to me. Otherwise we'd be dealing with folks giving us unwanted towel sets or yet another juicer, etc.



  15. #15
    Join Date
    Oct. 6, 2002
    Location
    Philadelphia PA
    Posts
    15,978

    Default

    I find that the virtual height of tackiness. If they truly don't NEED anything, how about asking for donations to a charity-- not for their friends to send them on a vacay.
    ~Veronica
    "The Son Dee Times" "Sustained" "Somerset" "Franklin Square"
    http://photobucket.com/albums/y192/vxf111/



  16. #16
    reefy! is offline Grand Prix Premium Member
    Original Poster
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    Feb. 4, 2002
    Posts
    2,916

    Default

    I think a honeymoon registry sounds like a great idea!

    But it's this line "If you were thinking of giving a gift to help us on our way, a gift of cash towards our honeymoon would really make our day".

    That's not a registry, that's begging for cash I wouldn't feel so bad about contributing to a fun activity on an already paid for trip.

    I guess yesterday's tacky is the new black.
    ~* Life is the dance you choose *~



  17. #17
    Join Date
    Oct. 6, 2002
    Location
    Philadelphia PA
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    The point of registering for housewares is that the friends/family want to help the new couple set up their new home. Necessities (and some more luxe things, but ideally things you need to love/cook/entertain as a married couple). If the new couple already are settled, that's nice but IMHO doesn't justify them now expecting the friends/family to shell out for luxury items that have nothing to do with setting up the new home. No one is entitled to a honeymoon. If they want to go on one, that's very nice but they shouldn't expect someone else to be paying. Next people will be registering for fancy cars or jewelry and asking guests to buy a "piece" of that off a registry. Registering for expensive purses and furs, etc. The idea of the registry is to help guide people who want to buy the couple things to set up their new home. Not a free for all wish list of stuff the couple wants but is too cheap to buy. It is just tack, tacky, tacky.
    ~Veronica
    "The Son Dee Times" "Sustained" "Somerset" "Franklin Square"
    http://photobucket.com/albums/y192/vxf111/



  18. #18
    Join Date
    Mar. 30, 2010
    Location
    somewhere
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    418

    Default

    Yep, it's tacky and a bit rude. Some consider even saying "no gifts" to be rude because it's seen as expecting gifts, but I'm not such a stickler on that one.

    You know what also sucks? Fill in the blank thank you notes and self-addressed envelopes for thank you notes. If you need my address, you can ask me. As for fill in the blank notes, don't even bother saying thank you if you can't take a few minutes to write out a proper note.



  19. #19
    Join Date
    Mar. 13, 2006
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    Sno County
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    Default

    Extremely tacky. "Help them on their way"? It's their second marriage and they're probably living together. How much help could they possibly need? It's not like they're 20 somethings right out of school. You are under no obligation to give a gift, however, it's become standard practice. Under these circumstances, I'd put $20 in an envelope and enjoy the dinner.
    Yogurt - If you're so cultured, how come I never see you at the opera? Steven Colbert



  20. #20
    Join Date
    Jul. 24, 2008
    Posts
    3,124

    Default

    Extremely tacky to make any mention of gifts in a wedding invitation. I might attend and give a card with my best wishes.

    I don't think it's uncommon for the parents of the bride and groom to invite their own friends; my mother invited all kinds of people that I hardly knew to my wedding.



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