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  1. #1
    alter66 Guest

    Default Should I give them an explanation?

    I changed trainers. My horse was at home for quite some time for financial reasons. When I had the money, I put him back in training with a different trainer without saying a word to the first trainers. They found out by reading horse show results. Both trainers are local and my former trainers for whatever reason hate my new trainers (probably because they win more?).

    I saw them at a horse show where we were both showing. I won -beating one of their horses- more than once. One of the former trainers was polite but not friendly, the other- well, if looks could kill!

    Why did I switch? I wasn't about ribbons because I'd done well with former trainers, same horse. It about some other customers/friends that they started keeping company with. It's hard to call them customers because they don't have any horses in training and probably never will. They're controlling type people and decided that they don't like me or my DH. Honestly, I think they're up to something, I just don't know what. They were constantly undermining anything DH or I said or did. Why former trainers believed someone they only knew for less than a year over long time (10+ years) customers I'll never understand. I heard from another customer (actually 2 separate people, 2 separate incidents) that our names came up in conversation, and the wife said "they're not welcome here" and trainers didn't say a word to put an end to that crap. I asked about it. All I got was a "you know that's not true". These new people also seemed to think and influence the one trainer that it's more about the fun. Well, no it isn't. You can't sell horses if they're not being worked properly. I'm not a shy or insecure person, but I didn't like being in an atmosphere of walking on eggshells or avoiding these new people so I didn't tell them what I really thought about them. If I did, it wouldn't be pretty. My new barn is completely drama-free, and I like it.

    I'm sure they and a couple of other customers are talking s*** about us. I've seen it before when another customers left (for different reasons). The even sent nasty e-mails to the one customer. Burn bridges much? I'm upset, I haven't gotten one yet!

    So... should I wait for them to actually ask me why I chose not to come back? Or should I call or e-mail and just tell them why? Part of me wants to tell them they lost money because of these other people, and part of me just wants to let them figure it out for themselves.



  2. #2
    Join Date
    Apr. 10, 2006
    Posts
    7,425

    Default

    I suspect Old Trainers have an inkling why you left, if you guys have had a few conversations about their "Friends."

    If you had a do-over, I'd have called them and said "Thanks for the Last 10 Years but I need a Change" without going into any other details. But since you've already made a switch, I would just carry on and not look back. Say nothing, but be polite/civil when you see them.

    You've already moved on and are doing well, and that says more than words.....
    We couldn't all be cowboys, so some of us are clowns.



  3. #3
    Join Date
    Nov. 4, 2003
    Location
    Douglasville, Georgia
    Posts
    17,462

    Default

    You've already shaken the dust of them off your riding boots. Move on... They'll learn on their own (maybe)
    <>< Sorrow Looks Back. Worry Looks Around. Faith Looks Up! -- Being negative only makes a difficult journey more difficult. You may be given a cactus, but you don't have to sit on it.



  4. #4
    Join Date
    May. 15, 2009
    Location
    Eastern Ontario, CND
    Posts
    2,191

    Default

    Unless them talking negatively about you is going to affect your business then forget it, you'll just be adding fuel to the fire.

    Let'em talk, then prance away with all your new ribbons .
    "For some people it's not enough to just be a horse's bum, you have to be sea biscuit's bum" -anon.
    Nes' Farm Blog ~ DesigNes.ca
    Need You Now Equine



  5. #5
    Join Date
    Nov. 17, 2001
    Location
    Bryan,Texas
    Posts
    2,262

    Default

    If your former trainer should ask, be tactful in your response.
    It is your money, your horse and none of their business what you do with it. If you are happy at your new barn, than that is your answer.

    I have a horse I have ridden with two different trainers at different times for various reasons and at a certain times of this horse's training. But I left each of them on good terms and still friends with each and get occasional lessons with either.



  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jun. 20, 2009
    Location
    Northeast Ohio, where mud rules your world...
    Posts
    1,366

    Default

    I live by the theory that it is not only fun to succeed in spite of your enemies but to succeed in front of your enemies.

    Keep your own nose clean and let them wallow in their loathing of you. By reaching out to the trainer, you are only reinforcing that their childish behavior is bothering , thus prompting you to try and explain yourself. Don't give them that satisfaction. My father always said don't bend over to argue with assholes.
    ...don't sh** where you eat...



  7. #7
    Join Date
    Apr. 28, 2008
    Posts
    10,375

    Default

    No -- do not email them about the barn politics. They should already know, and if they don't know they are not keeping close enough tabs on the barn goings on which is not OK either. It would only foment gossip at this point.

    Having been away from their barn I don't think an initial call was necessary. I would have handled it by telling them the first time I saw them (a "hey, how are you? Dobbin is great, after our time off I sent him to X and he's settled in well there, thanks for your help with him last year!")

    Without raving about how he's doing better with new trainer than with them or anything, of course. Now, I would just carry on and be friendly/nice/polite when you see them but don't expect to be BFFs since it seems Old Trainer 2 is already staking out his position as the jealous type.



  8. #8
    Join Date
    May. 11, 2007
    Posts
    663

    Default

    Wait for them to ask (although I hardly doubt they will).

    You don't owe them an explanation unless you had a prior agreement to go back to them once you had the money to pursue training again. Your horse was not at their barn, not in training "for quite some time". So, when you had the finances available, you had the freedom of choice to go to any trainer you wanted.



  9. #9
    alter66 Guest

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by winfieldfarm View Post
    I live by the theory that it is not only fun to succeed in spite of your enemies but to succeed in front of your enemies.

    Keep your own nose clean and let them wallow in their loathing of you. By reaching out to the trainer, you are only reinforcing that their childish behavior is bothering , thus prompting you to try and explain yourself. Don't give them that satisfaction. My father always said don't bend over to argue with assholes.

    I love that!

    I know one of their problems is the loyalty issue, but that's supposed to work both ways.

    I don't harbor any ill-will, I just think the former trainers business has taken a wrong turn and I didn't want to be part of it. I was going to tell them I'd changed barns before they found out on their own, but the day I was over there there were too many people around and I didn't think it was an appropriate time.



  10. #10
    Join Date
    Jan. 23, 2000
    Location
    Virginia
    Posts
    8,227

    Default

    I would keep your head down unless they address you. It's a business transaction - the new trainer met your needs better [because they didn't have crazy friends].

    If they ask, you can respond that the new trainers are meeting your needs better but that you appreciated all they've done for you.

    "Nasty" emails to customers or former customers have absolutely no place in a business transaction. I don't understand why some horse trainers can't seem to understand that kind of thing.
    ---
    They're small hearts.



  11. #11
    Join Date
    Oct. 8, 2002
    Location
    Maryland
    Posts
    11,403

    Default

    No, you shouldn't give them an explanation. This is a business, people go to the person/barn that best suits their needs.

    Plus, any explanation you try to give is just going to add to their heaping pile of drama, so best to continue doing what you're doing, enjoying your horse, enjoying your success, and just be friendly when you do see them.
    "smile a lot can let us ride happy,it is good thing"

    My CANTER blog.



  12. #12
    Join Date
    Feb. 22, 2007
    Posts
    3,928

    Default

    I agree that you shouldn't reach out to them, and if they ask you should be tactful and a bit vague. I'm also sure they have an idea of why you left if they saw that behavior going on and you even talked to them about it.

    However, I personally would probably be friendly if I saw them at shows. Smile, wave, if you're standing in line at the show office chat a bit, that kind of thing--anything you'd normally do with a professional you'd parted on good terms with. You haven't done anything wrong, so don't act like it. If they want to be childish that's their prerogative, but you don't have to get dragged down.

    I'm a big fan of being friendly to people who don't like me, though. It really seems to drive them nuts.



  13. #13
    Join Date
    Aug. 10, 2010
    Location
    Western NY
    Posts
    2,182

    Default Rise above...

    Just hold your head up and move forward.



  14. #14
    Join Date
    Feb. 23, 2005
    Location
    Spotsylvania, VA
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    17,738

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by CosMonster View Post
    I'm a big fan of being friendly to people who don't like me, though. It really seems to drive them nuts.
    Like the cat who can unerringly pick out the cat hater in the room and proceed to purr and curl around his ankles.....
    I wasn't always a Smurf
    Penmerryl's Sophie RIDSH
    "I ain't as good as I once was but I'm as good once as I ever was"
    The ignore list is my friend. It takes 2 to argue.



  15. #15
    Join Date
    Jul. 31, 2007
    Posts
    19,599

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by alter66 View Post
    I love that!

    I know one of their problems is the loyalty issue, but that's supposed to work both ways.

    I don't harbor any ill-will, I just think the former trainers business has taken a wrong turn and I didn't want to be part of it. I was going to tell them I'd changed barns before they found out on their own, but the day I was over there there were too many people around and I didn't think it was an appropriate time.
    You are *way* to involved in how Old Trainers run their business. That's because you are contemplating giving them an unsolicited explanation for your departure. You sound a bit pissed about how that went down. If that's true, your best option is to *do nothing* until you know your motives are pure. Maybe they just adore their new clients. Maybe they don't and are losing money but are too embarrassed and worried to talk to you about it. Either way, you can't undo what was done: Your silent departure and winning with a competing trainer.

    If you had a good, long-term relationship *and* Old Trainer asks you "What happened?" in a quiet and candid moment, you can give the neutral, honest explanation: "I took ShowMeister home for financial reasons. Then I realized I didn't feel welcomed by your other clients in your barn any more. Nothing personal with you, and I'm sorry I left that way. I didn't mean to be secretive about it, but you can see why I couldn't explain. Your other clients aren't my business."
    The armchair saddler
    Politically Pro-Cat



  16. #16
    Join Date
    Mar. 6, 2006
    Location
    Canada
    Posts
    507

    Default

    MVP gives good advice.

    2 years ago, I sold my horse. Shortly after, the farm I was boarding at had a lot of crazy-ass drama, and about 1/2 of my "group" left. When I bought my new pony, none of the barns where my friends went had room for me, and I bought a stud pony that I did'nt really want to saddle my old BO with, so I went somewhere totally new to me that was happy to help.

    I'm on good terms with old BO, both groups of friends, old trainer, etc. None of them have even asked why I made the choice I did, but I'm prepared with an aswer about how "bad he was, and I didn't want you to have to deal with it" when the topic does eventually come up.



  17. #17
    Join Date
    Jan. 31, 2010
    Location
    Alberta
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    5,648

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by mvp View Post
    You are *way* to involved in how Old Trainers run their business. That's because you are contemplating giving them an unsolicited explanation for your departure. You sound a bit pissed about how that went down. If that's true, your best option is to *do nothing* until you know your motives are pure. Maybe they just adore their new clients. Maybe they don't and are losing money but are too embarrassed and worried to talk to you about it. Either way, you can't undo what was done: Your silent departure and winning with a competing trainer.

    If you had a good, long-term relationship *and* Old Trainer asks you "What happened?" in a quiet and candid moment, you can give the neutral, honest explanation: "I took ShowMeister home for financial reasons. Then I realized I didn't feel welcomed by your other clients in your barn any more. Nothing personal with you, and I'm sorry I left that way. I didn't mean to be secretive about it, but you can see why I couldn't explain. Your other clients aren't my business."
    I agree with this.

    I would only say something IF you want to regain some sort of good terms with the old trainers or feel badly for how it went down. I would not say something if you are in any way trying to stir up trouble.

    I can see how after 10 years there may be some hurt feelings, which can convert into negativity.



  18. #18
    alter66 Guest

    Default

    I can't believe all the replies say the same thing. THAT doesn't happen often here in CoTH-land.

    To be truthful, I was inclined to say nothing unless asked, and then not go into details if I was asked. I just wanted to be sure I was making the right decision.

    I'm an amateur, so there's not a lot they can do to hurt my "business". Besides, I tend to talk to and be polite and genuine with other horse people, both ammy and pro, so I've made a decent impression on people throughout the years. I'm a big believer in sportmanlike behavior. I don't think anything they say can hurt me in any way- I have a better reputation than they do. Recently at a show I was talking to the former customer that got the nasty e-mails telling her who my new trainer was. Her trainer overheard and commented favorably on my switch!



  19. #19
    Join Date
    Jul. 31, 2007
    Posts
    19,599

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by alter66 View Post
    I don't think anything they say can hurt me in any way- I have a better reputation than they do. Recently at a show I was talking to the former customer that got the nasty e-mails telling her who my new trainer was. Her trainer overheard and commented favorably on my switch!

    Well, yeah, but.... Friend's New Trainer is currently the winner in a competition for client dollars against Old Trainer! Friend's New Trainer's confirmation of Old Trainer's bad reputation or your wisdom isn't worth anything. It's an interested assessment.

    Stay clear of all of it. You may not be hurt-able, but Old Trainer, with whom you had a long and decent relationship is in a vulnerable position. You can't fix that, but you can contribute to the damage if you add fuel to the fire of gossiping, competing pros.
    The armchair saddler
    Politically Pro-Cat



  20. #20
    Join Date
    Jun. 18, 2011
    Location
    Easterner Gone West
    Posts
    213

    Default

    The time for an explanation as to why you weren't coming back was before you went to the new trainer. From what I gather too much time has lapsed and nothing good will come out of a conversation about your not returning. I could see the former trainer being taken aback by seeing you w/ another trainer after 10+ years. But you felt the need/desire to work with another trainer so former one will have to deal with it. Let them make a fool of themselves without any help from you. When people behave poorly in the small world that is horses - it gets around



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