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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jun. 14, 2006
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    Default Spinoff: Other Peoples' kids...

    First I want to say that while a current post prompted this one, it's not geared TOWARDS that one.

    I want to know why *some* parents think that the rest of the world wants to deal with their kids? Or that nutty behavior is okay cuz they're "just being kids." Like little kids turned loose in a nice restaurant, hanging over chairs, making a racket, running into wait staff. ?????

    Or with older kids, completely inappropriate things like eating a steak with your hands and mashed potatoes with your face on the plate in a RESTAURANT? (will admit, my soon to be step kids were doing exactly that when I met them at ages 10 and 11. )

    It seems to me that perhaps *some* parents are too busy ignoring the bad behavior or making up for it rather than just ADDRESSING it.

    I don't have kids of my own. But I can tell you that over the last two years, my SO's kids have learned how to do things and behave appropriately and all it really took was a bit of firmness. They can set a table correctly, they can eat with the correct utensils. They can have learned how to cook and take a lot of pride in it! They can do their own laundry instead of Dad staying up til midnight because "I need this for tomorrow".

    They have learned that the whole bloody world doesn't need to hear you screaming and yelling (in fun) as we canoe down a river. Listen to nature and SHUT UP!

    They've learned how to care for their pets rather than expecting us to do it.

    But ALL OF THIS has come to be as a result of me kind of putting my foot down with SO and saying--dude, they're 11 and 13 YO. This is insane. They're not infants. They CAN do for themselves.

    And the thing is, they seem to LIKE more structure and LIKE more responsibility.

    So why do you think it is that some parents are so willing to let the kids rule the roost both at home AND out in public? And how does one address that?
    A good horseman doesn't have to tell anyone...the horse already knows.

    Might be a reason, never an excuse...



  2. #2
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    Jan. 18, 2011
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    219

    Default

    My PERSONAL opinion (and obviously other people disagree -- look at their kids! LOL) is that children should be a pleasure to live with. They are NOT the center of the universe, it does NOT revolve around them, and while they should be loved and cherished and cared for, their parents are completely responsible for turning them into pleasant, respectful human beings that don't piss off everyone around them.

    It's not that hard -- it just takes paying attention and making an effort.



  3. #3
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    Jun. 20, 2000
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    Full time in Delhi, NY!
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    Default

    Oh THANK YOU for straightening out your SO's kids. I think you have part of your answer right there. So many parents are single and believe (mistakenly) that their kids will stop loving them if they set limits, make rules, and enforce them.

    So many women have children because they want someone, anyone to love them "for me" and they then suffer from the 'but if I discipline him/her they won't love me anymore, wah!"

    Children's and YA books of the past rarely featured adults/parents doing anything more than putting dinner on the table or driving the truck and trailer to the show. The children in the books solved their own problems based on the sound advice they'd received from their parents in vague lectures, ie "Daddy, if someone you know is doing something bad what should you do?" Now kids don't read, or their books are tied in to movie marketing.

    I wish more parents would let the village help raise their kids. Especially those of us who were raised to be polite and respectful of those older than ourselves.
    ~Kryswyn~ Always look on the bright side of life, de doo, de doo de doo de doo
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    "Life is merrier with a terrier!"



  4. #4
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    Mar. 9, 2006
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    Default

    I don't have too much to say about this topic b/c I really don't pay too much attention unless the kids are really obnoxious.

    But today I was annoyed at this exact thing. I watched my neighbor's toddler torment a puppy with a balloon. Chasing it and then hitting it with the balloon while the mom was hanging out by the car. The puppy was desperately trying to get away. However, when the balloon went floating down the driveway, the mom ran to go get it b/c god forbid the child would lose the balloon and cry.

    I have zero tolerance for children (or anyone) abusing animals. Their parents need to rein that in and teach respect for living things.



  5. #5
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    Mar. 10, 2009
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    Default

    While the behavior you describe has always existed to some degree, IMO it became more commonplace with the whole "we must make sure to bolster our children's fragile self-esteem, because what we as parents do now will determine how they perceive themselves FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES!!!! And while we're at it, let's be really careful to not stifle their creativity."

    As with anything trendy, of course it got way overdone. Perhaps the pendulum will swing back a bit.

    Of course some parents are just really lazy and never should have spawned in the first place.



  6. #6
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    Jun. 24, 2005
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    Alabama
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    Default

    It's the entire helicopter parents thing. Parents want to be the best friends of their children, and think that anything their kid does is fine. They are not doing their children any favors, and someday the kids will grow up and be totally unable to get along in society. It will serve the parents right when their kids move home, mooch forever and never leave.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White



  7. #7
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    Mar. 12, 2006
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    Default

    It is rare these days to see parents that don't cater to their children. And I think there is a direct correlation between people who bitch about raising kids and kids who think they are always first, foremost the center of attention.

    It must be a painful existence to always cater to the whims of a six year old.



  8. #8
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    Mar. 30, 2007
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    Hollowed out volcano in the South Pacific.
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by BuddyRoo View Post
    So why do you think it is that some parents are so willing to let the kids rule the roost both at home AND out in public? And how does one address that?
    It's a matter of family dynamics, values (traditional or self-created), and the kind of environment you have in the home that help keep order and build structure. You have obviously been able to restore some of that. As for out in public, kids tend to get a bit off the rails in public because it's like playing outside to them. If they don't get the real understanding that it's not like that by the time they get to reach an age where they can be somewhat self-sufficient, it can be a problem at times.
    Thus do we growl that our big toes have,
    at this moment, been thrown up from below!



  9. #9
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    Dec. 4, 2007
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    Ontario
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    Default

    I have zero patience for dealing with other people's brats. And that included my godkids when they were young. They had a set of (non-existent) rules at their house, and then there were My Rules.

    They weren't outrageous. I expected them to be relatively quiet in the house (if they wanted to be loud they could play in the backyard), no tv or computer after certain hours. They had to help with meals and set the table, and if they made a mess they had to clean up after themselves. I taught them how to do laundry, which utensils to use (and where to place them), and some other basics. They had to learn to respect space, both mine and theirs.

    They love coming here, and there was really only once when someone threw a tantrum about wanting to watch a tv show that was an hour past bedtime (it was a school night).

    As far as other people's kids and how they act in public? I left church one sunday morning because I couldn't stand to watch the way the woman sitting in front of me was not handling her kid's behavior. Kid was 9 or 10, had been playing games on his phone (and didn't have the volume turned off), then started talking loudly on his cell phone to his friend while the service was going on..... When mom tried to say anything to her she was told to F***off!
    Riding the winds of change

    Heeling NRG Aussies
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  10. #10
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    Jul. 17, 2008
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    WNY
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    I just remember that when I was growing up my parents made it clear that regardless of how ridiculous I was at home, there was no way in hell that I could even let the thought of being bad in public cross my mind.

    Yes, I was always screaming and fighting and being a jerk with my brothers at home, but you better believe that I was the perfect angel whenever I was in public.

    Now when I go out in public I just get pissed off all the time because I never get any peace! There is always a kid causing a problem somewhere. UGH.
    I WAS a proud member of the *I'm In My 20's and Hope to Be a Good Rider Someday* clique..but now I am 30!!!!!!!!!!!
    My new blog about my Finger Lakes Finest:
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  11. #11
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    Jul. 31, 2007
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    Default

    Meh, parents are tired and under pressure.

    They all have jobs. Raising the kids is now a job-- you are judged by the results all the time.

    No wonder they screw up.
    The armchair saddler
    Politically Pro-Cat



  12. #12
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    Apr. 29, 2006
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    Evansville, Wisconsin
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    Default

    Today, as usual, I wanted to beat my SIL's children.

    Went to a family function, older child (5) is playing Angry Birds, refuses to look up from it even to say hello to anyone. Eventually mom makes feeble attempt to take the phone away, child screams, kicks her, starts telling his mother how she's bad, and mean, and all sorts of other insulting things, so she gives it back to him almost immediately without saying a word. Younger child (3) bites her in the arm, she asks him not to so he smacks her a couple of times, then bites her in the face, and she says "Okay, let's find you better toys to play with."

    When it's time to eat, older child insists upon being carried around the house, and she obliges. Older child decides he just wants to eat the M&M's from the snack mix, mom quietly says "no" but child grabs serving spoon, puts it in his mouth, and then drops M&M's in it and eats them out of the serving spoon as mom watches.

    When mom says it's time to leave, older child lies on couch and kicks his mother repeatedly as she tries to approach him.

    At least this time the hellspawn left my son alone.

    Now to be fair, my 7 year old son did have a bit of a meltdown where he burst into tears because his father told him to stop playing with a noisy toy and everyone was ignoring him. He sobbed loudly, we did some deep breathing exercises, but when it became apparent that he was really just overexited and looking for attention, he got a time out until he could calm down. And when it was time to go, he helped clean up after himself, put his dishes in the kitchen, and put away the toys he'd been playing with.

    My child is not perfect. I realize this. Sometimes he is downright obnoxious. But I least I make a real effort to teach him to behave like a civilized little person. Watching SIL do things like reward her kids for their rudeness drives me completely batty.
    "In order to really enjoy a dog, one doesn’t merely train him to be semi-human. The point of it is to open oneself to the possibility of becoming part dog."
    -Edward Hoagland



  13. #13
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    Jul. 13, 2008
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    Default

    Argh. I feel like stores and restaurants and malls should periodically broadcast a PSA for bad parents.

    You have children for a brief time before they grow up. Target will always be there. Please spend time AT HOME with your children. Stop dragging their protesting little bodies to the halls of commerce and then getting upset that a 2-year-old can't hack 3 hours of sitting in a shopping cart!!! And you, on the cell phone! Yes, you, the world's worst father! Look down. Right, down at your feet. That is your child. She has spilled a large soda on herself and is screaming for Mommy because even though she's still in diapers she already knows screaming for you is a lost cause. Pick her the *(&%*(^$&% up and comfort her, take her to the rest room and clean her off, and GET OFF THE (@#%*&)(&@$*) cell phone, you moron!!!



  14. #14
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    Aug. 28, 2007
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    Triangle Area, NC
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    Quote Originally Posted by IneedanOTdayAlter View Post
    My PERSONAL opinion (and obviously other people disagree -- look at their kids! LOL) is that children should be a pleasure to live with. They are NOT the center of the universe, it does NOT revolve around them, and while they should be loved and cherished and cared for, their parents are completely responsible for turning them into pleasant, respectful human beings that don't piss off everyone around them.

    It's not that hard -- it just takes paying attention and making an effort.
    BRAVO!!!!
    www.destinationconsensusequus.com
    chaque pas est fait ensemble



  15. #15
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    Mar. 9, 2006
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    I think part of the trouble is that most modern families have one or two kids, both of which go to daycare. Pre-women's lib and pre-birth control mom would have had four to six kids and would have been trapped at home all day with the little darlings. I think parents are more likely to understand the importance of keeping the kids under control when they have to endure a pack of them for 18 waking hours each and every day.



  16. #16
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    May. 24, 2011
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    New Jersey
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    Quote Originally Posted by mvp View Post
    Meh, parents are tired and under pressure.

    They all have jobs. Raising the kids is now a job-- you are judged by the results all the time.

    No wonder they screw up.
    My parents both work. My mom works 60+ hours a week and my dad 40 hours. Yet they still managed to raise me right. Having a job is a lame excuse for failure to raise a child right



  17. #17
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    Apr. 8, 2005
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    Kentucky
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    Default

    Wayside, you have a whole lot more self-control than I do. I couldn't have watched that without saying something along the lines of "Did you seriously just let that child get away with that crap?" and expected an answer and more appropriate behavior on the mother's part.

    The other day I complimented a grandfather on how well mannered and gracious his young grand-daughter (I think she's about 13) is at horse shows and at the barn. The child wasn't there at the time, and he smiled, thanked me and said "You're seeing her best side, she can be a real little shit at home!" I replied "What kid isn't? But she behaves where it counts!". He bought her a very nice show horse, and kid knows it's a priviledge to have such a critter. She takes a compliment with a big smile and thank you, and is quick to compliment others as well.

    I don't buy the two working parent BS. Both my parents worked, and by God my brother and I knew how to act in public. I remember getting taken to the car if either of us had a temper tantrum in church or a store or wherever. I don't remember getting hit, either, 'cept when we home and fighting with each other- then the yardstick or wooden spoon came out!

    I think most parents of ill-mannered children are just lazy and can't be bothered to make the effort to produce manners.

    I work in psych. We have devil spawn as young as 4 years old. Yeah, some of them do have real problems (like fetal alcohol syndrome, severe abuse, mental illness) but the majority just have crappy parents. Oh, and I don't believe in ADHD in most cases. Discipline and rules starting young can "cure" a lot of that.



  18. #18
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    Mar. 10, 2009
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    I'll never forget being over at a friend's on the evening of 9/11/01. Of course we all wanted to stay tuned in to the news. The friend's eleven year old son threw screaming tantrums because HE wanted to watch cartoons. Dad's excuse? "Well, he's scared." And of course this was followed by Dad handing fit-throwing eleven year old the remote.

    Oh, give me a bloody break. The kid was howling that "the news is BORING AND STUPID AND I DON'T WANT TO WATCH THIS!" Yeah, you little spoiled shit, tell that to all those people who got to watch their loved ones jumping out of the World Trade Center windows live on TV.

    He's 20 now, dropped out of college. Minimum wage job, living at home. Now, please refresh the definition of "boring and stupid"????



  19. #19
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    Oct. 27, 2010
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    My dad was career military....we moved, a lot. There were 8 pregnancies and 4 surviving children. In 12 years we moved 33 times. Some of those while dad was away on deployment. All of us learned manners, we all learned to cook, clean, do laundry and carried no less than a 3.0 GPA (it was not allowed to go below that and if you did you were grounded...no tv, no phone, no visits, out of your room for meals and bathroom....until your grade came up so it could be an entire quarter or even a semester depending on the system that school was using). Mouthing off to a parent was simply not allowed and any effort in that direction would get you a swat or two...with a spatula, a belt, a fly swatter or a bare hand...never done in anger and always with the attitude that this was the consequence of failure to meet standards.

    My own kids were raised pretty much in a single parent household. I held down one full time job and an occasional part time and ran the ranch/farm that we always lived on in my "spare time". I always figured my job was to raise responsible adults who could function on their own....and to work myself out of a job.

    Two years ago my younger son, a Marine for 8 years and then a husband in civilian life for another 6, came out to visit. One of the things he said to me was that he was thankful that one of his parents "had the balls to make rules and stick to them"....that he would not have made it through Marine boot camp if he hadn't learned early about doing things right and being responsible for consequences of his decisions. He sent me a sweatshirt stating "I may look harmless but I raised a Marine"....it's one of my favorites.

    I was never my kids' buddy or best friend or co-conspirator in their shenanigans. We had fun. We worked together. They got into trouble on occasion and got to deal with the results. I was their PARENT.
    Colored Cowhorse Ranch
    www.coloredcowhorseranch.com
    Northern NV



  20. #20
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    Jun. 14, 2006
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    VA
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    Default

    I don't mean to paint a picture as if I hate children. I do not. However, I don't think it's beyond the realm of reason for kids to have age appropriate chores, at least KNOW what decent table manners are, and know how to behave in public. Now I'll take that a step further in that I generally have an expectation that my home is not, contrary to popular belief, a circus with the kids being ringmaster.

    In my case, SO and his ex divorced a few years ago and it feels like both parents have a lot of divorce guilt and have tried to make things "easy" on the kids and not make waves--to the extreme.

    That is a very difficult topic to address with someone who loves their kids and thinks they're doing their very best to do it right. Luckily for me, my SO has been willing to try some new things and when they work well, he is happy to adopt them. Even their mom has taken some things that have been implemented in our home and adopted them at hers. (like the laundry--come on--6th and 8th graders can do their own laundry. Really)

    Anyway, this is a topic near and dear to me as I have been living life with kids 90% of the year the last year and a half. It's been an adjustment for all of us, but I think that even though making some changes can be challenging, our household is much more at peace with better boundaries and more team work rather than the two adults busting ass every day at work, coming home to a disaster and waiting hand and foot on 2 kids who have plenty of time and ability to help a little.

    As far as manners? This time last year, I no joke left a restaurant due to their behavior. Now? We can (and did) take them to a 4 star restaurant and had a lovely meal. Napkins in laps, using appropriate utensils.

    Don't get me wrong. we have fun too. Went canoeing yesterday, camped out in the back yard and told ghost stories. Had a lovely time. We can be goofy and fun and loud and happy. But we can also BEHAVE and be responsible.

    So it floors me when people use the excuse of "they're just kids" to explain away poor behavior. (SO used to say that) At what point are they not kids anymore? And at that point, how in the heck are they to know how to behave like adults without any practice?

    Soapbox item. My apologies.
    A good horseman doesn't have to tell anyone...the horse already knows.

    Might be a reason, never an excuse...



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