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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Apr. 23, 2004
    Location
    Spinner's End
    Posts
    1,255

    Default Relationship advice: can long distance work?

    So, somewhat stupidly, I was pursued and gave in to a really nice guy who is an Master's student with me. From the beginning he knew I was set to leave the country (I like in the UK) at the end of summer (as I've completed my degree). I wanted a fling. He knew that from the moment this started. And I thought all would be fine. But of course...it never is. Fast forward, and we've been dating a bit now. Which I never really had wanted it to ever get to the "dating" part, and somehow this week, we've actually discussed what a relationship would mean.

    He's one of the smartest people I know. And he's great for me. Totally low key and low maintenance. But I've so far made it clear that when I leave the UK, we are breaking up, and I don't want it to be drama filled. Of course, now that I actually know him a bit better, I'm wondering if a long-distance relationship could even work. I've done one in the past (worst experience of my life), and this makes me VERY reluctant to even mention to said boy that I could consider it.

    Any tips wiser COTHers? Anyone had a long distance relationship that actually worked? Or, am I smart to just let him go as planned. We'll have only dated 2 1/2 months by the time I leave the country. Is that even worth thinking that I should drag it out more?
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    ~Coth's Resident Deatheater~



  2. #2
    Join Date
    Apr. 4, 2006
    Location
    VA (or MS during the school year)
    Posts
    2,513

    Default

    There's long distance, and then there's loooooooooooong distance.

    If you were within driving distance (say, 8 hours), so that you could take a trip up once or twice a month to see eachother, that's one thing. But it's another to have a relationship with one person in the US and one person in the UK.

    I am in a LDR right now. My BF and I have been dating 9 months. He lives in Louisiana and I live in Virginia. We both go to school in Mississippi. I can deal with the LDR for short term ie: only over the summer or winter break. However, when we graduate and both go our separate ways for army training, I'm not so sure I am willing to do a LDR. I don't really see the point, especially since we will both probably be taken different places in our lives for the Army. It would be easier if only one of us was in the Army. He imagines us together forever... and I try to gently remind him to take it one day/month/whatever at a time and that LDR's aren't easy and aren't something I can for sure say I will be willing to get into.


    2.5 months of dating, IMO, is not worth the work it takes to maintain a long distance relationship, especially since you guys will be so far away.
    "People ask me 'will I remember them if I make it'. I ask them 'will you remember me if I don't?'"



  3. #3
    Join Date
    Aug. 12, 2005
    Location
    Sunny CA.
    Posts
    305

    Default

    I was in a LDR for years and it was great. He was in broadcasting, my career was taking off. We lived in the same city for a short time, then 250 miles apart, then across the country from each other. Did a lot of quick weekend trips, met in different cities. It worked for both of us at the time. We're still friends 25+ years later, though the relationship part ended about 10 years ago.



  4. #4
    Join Date
    Oct. 22, 2003
    Posts
    1,884

    Default

    My now-husband went to China for a year. I stayed in Maryland and finished my last year of school.

    It can work. But we also had 3 years behind us at that point as well.

    Here's my suggestion: enjoy time while you have him, go home with no strings attached, if it's meant to be, it will happen. If not, oh well.
    "The nice thing about memories is the good ones are stronger and linger longer than the bad and we sure have some incredibly good memories." - EverythingButWings



  5. #5
    Join Date
    Apr. 22, 2011
    Location
    CA
    Posts
    603

    Default

    Personally I have a pretty low tolerance for inconvenience in a relationship (yeah, call me coldhearted or whatever, but I'm aware of it and my expectations are appropriately adjusted) so I know that for me, distance is a problem over any long period of time. If it were me, I would consider if it was possible that we would end up in the same place anytime soon, and if so, maybe then give it a try. But if we were to be separated by an ocean indefinitely, I would probably like to stay friends and maybe go at it if we did end up in the same place eventually.

    However, I've seen it work. A friend of mine met his wife in Germany when he was there on a business trip. One year, 3 business trips and a lot of Skyping later, she transferred to the US and they're happily married.

    So, I think it depends on the people involved. If it was really miserable for you in the past, and you don't have reason to believe this one would be any different, it might not be realistic to expect this one to work out either.
    If the pony spits venom in your face or produces a loud roar, it is probably not a pony. Find another. -The Oatmeal



  6. #6
    Join Date
    Oct. 31, 2001
    Location
    West of insanity, east of apathy, deep in the heart of Texas.
    Posts
    15,797

    Default

    IME, a long distance relationship that stays that way, is fine. The problems usually start when that person who was perfect when y'all were apart, suddenly becomes human, with all their human failings. Not fun. And for me, it didn't work, although I did my damndest to make it so, for six years.

    I would break it off clean as far as the relationship goes when you leave the UK, but stay in touch via e-mail & such. If something's going to develop, it will develop. The interesting part is waiting to see.
    In loving memory of Laura Jahnke.
    A life lived by example, done too soon.
    www.caringbridge.org/page/laurajahnke/



  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jul. 17, 2007
    Location
    Landrum, SC
    Posts
    1,830

    Default

    I was in an LDR for 13 years... 3 dating from several states away, then 10 married (he traveled out of state 3-4-5 days per week). It worked for us... we both had plenty to do and stayed busy and enjoyed out time together. And it didn't work for us... when you spend so much time apart, the little things you can normally discuss/deal with in a day pile up over the course of the week, then what? You either end up spending your time together dealing with the cruddy stuff instead of enjoying each other, or you don't deal with the cruddy stuff, which of course doesn't go away.

    I said for a long time it was the ideal way to have a relationship (no kids involved), and in the beginning that was mostly true for me. But along the way I really began to long for a more "normal" day-to-day existance, and it just wasn't possible. Now I'm in a different relationship and I'm SO happy because we're almost always together. There's just something so *nice* about having a true partner who's involved in all the little ins and outs of each day.

    I imagine, when you leave and begin to visit back and forth between the UK and here, you'll quickly realize if it'll work for you. Until then... why end something you're enjoying?
    Athletic Horses. Educated Riders.
    www.Ride-With-Confidence.com



  8. #8
    Join Date
    Dec. 7, 2001
    Location
    Port Orange, FL
    Posts
    1,916

    Default

    It can work ...

    I met my husband during a business trip in the US. After a week of dating we started a LDR. We would spend a couple of days per month together. Either me coming to the US or him going to France, or sometimes meeting somewehere else.

    I was lucky to have a decent job with decent money and flexible schedule and he had a ton of Frequent flyer miles from his job.

    After a little bit over a year, I started to spend 2 months here, 2 months in France.
    Then he imported me for good , when we got married. Now we have 2 kids and have been togethere for 11 years.

    I knew he was the one, after a couple of days. He took him a little longer to realize how wonderful I was
    Last edited by mademoiselle; Jul. 2, 2011 at 11:01 PM.



  9. #9
    Join Date
    Jun. 4, 2007
    Location
    New Jersey
    Posts
    268

    Default

    I dated my boyfriend for 2 years and then he moved five hours away for grad school. We made it through his first year and he just broke up with me about two weeks ago.

    I think a big part of our break up was the distance - its hard to keep the romance alive when you only see each other once in a while - I know that sounds cheezy but talking on the phone isnt the same as seeing each other regularly. I honestly feel that our relationship would have taken a different course had he not moved away.

    That being said I am sure there are other stories long distance relationships working and don't want to be a huge downer (although I am - sorry). I just wanted to share my personal experience. Best of luck to you with whatever you decide.



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