Pocket Trainer apologizes for the delay in responding. Sadly, Pocket Trainer's publicist has been involved in all things "veterinary" for the last 48 hours, but she has been chastised for this regrettable lapse. Although to show her that we are considerate folks, we waited until all the "veterinary" news was good. Then we laid into her.
We regret to inform you that if you have purchased and installed the "Abuse" Upgrade you will have to accept any and all abuse coming your way, and we know that you secretly revel in it. However if you suspect that you are not sure you are an "abuse" kind of client, Pocket Trainer recommends the Client Personality Profile service ($495) to see if you fit best with the Standard Pocket Trainer, Nurture Pocket Trainer or Abuse Pocket Trainer.
With our highly accurate profile we can even adjust Standard to be slightly more abusive or nurturing, should you fall outside the accepted parameters of any one of our models (customization - $1995).
But most importantly, Pocket Trainer first recommends that you try a 1993 Ferrari-Canaro Reserve Chardonnay in conjunction with your abuse. You may find that to be the correct combination for your happiness and well-being.
Pocket Trainer recommends in situations like this that you buy your neighbor's farm so that there is no pesky neighbor horse to deal with. We also recommend a nice 1991 Quail Ridge Reserve Cabernet upon closing the deal.
Pocket Trainer worries that we are having such unseemly conversation about equine hygeine. It makes Pocket Trainer feel as if she has gone terribly amiss somewhere...
But it's important to remember that no Pocket Trainer Experience is complete without Pocket Groom ($495 installation plus $79.95 monthly subscription plus tips!) to attend to all your equine needs and Pocket junior ($495 installation , $99.95 monthly subscription plus tips!) to make sure all your needs are met. While Pocket Groom does take care of feet as part of the regular service, we could consider a personal upgrade to handle teeth (fee determined on individual basis). But Pocket Trainer mostly recommends only purchasing horses with quality dental work, and replacing them with new mounts before the teeth are unsightly.
We also recommend a nice 1995 Topolos Pagani Ranch Zinfandel when contemplating th epurchase of a new mount with exceptional teeth.
Pocket Trainer shares your concern, although Pocket Trainer has come to accept that there must be people on all rungs of life, and this holds true - as unseemly as it may be - in the horse world as well.
However Pocket Trainer has nothing against homemade shirts, it's just that Pocket Trainer prefers that they be very expensive and custom tailored, with no thought to who is actually doing the sewing and in which home this occurs. We actually have hope for this unforunate family as they have elected to have custom shirts instead of some horrific off the rack polyester number in short sleeves. This is a small but insightful step in the right direction.
However Pocket Trainer understands your angst at watching such a thing, and urges you to donate several of your own custom shirts to the girl in question. We are sure you wouldn't be caught dead in last season's shirts anyway, so this solution serves everyone!
Finally, we always recommend a 1994 Autumn Wind Reserve Pinot Noir to celebrate your largesse.
Pocket Trainer must apologize profoundly and sincerely! Our records show that you did order the Whoop Whoop upgrade ($1595 with a $19.95 per class surcharge) and we failed to turn it on. We sincerely regret this horrific oversight on our part.
In order to make this right with you, a valued client, we have 1) refunded all 900 charges; 2) turned the function "on" and given you 6 free classes of whooping; 3) contacted the judges in your next 3 shows to arrange for a little "consideration" that should help make this right; 4) arranged to have the programmer in question summarily executed; and 5) shipped you a lovely bottle of 1994 Whitehall Lane Reserve Cabernet to ease the disappointment.
We here at Pocket Trainer hope that we have "re-earned" your trust again!
We here at Pocket Trainer are most upset to inform you that the "Pocket Man Mister" that you purchased is in fact, not one of our fine products. If you check the (cheap flimsy plastic) label on the left hip, you will note that it is really Pccket Man Mister, with that first "c" almost closed like an "o".
We here at Pocket Trainer are currently seeking legal action against this shoddy knockoff that is so clearly trying to capitalize on the excellent reputation of Pocket Trainer. Sadly we have even heard instances where defective Pccket Man Misters have even married their clients then skipped town with all their money!
We can offer you our premium Disconnect Service ($595 base fee plus $125 hourly rate) to stop the damage as well as invite you to join a class action lawsuit ($59.95 filing charge). Other than that we recommend that you lock up all the wine and liquor ASAP!
I think we may be able to come to agreeable terms discussing this "Dressage" market. I trust it is a market that abhors the actual discussion of wealth, yet delights in the oh-so-subtle ways of letting everyone know it exists?
Really, what is a brand and FEI Passport other than codespeak for "uber-expensive"?
Yes, this could be a match made in heaven. Our attorneys will contact your attorneys to talk about advancing this product line.
Yes, to respond to your inquiry, Pocket Trainer is delving in the world of franchise opportunity as we speak (starting at $25K). We are carefully screening clients for appropriate philo$ophy and background as well as geographic desirability. Primarily we must not let franchise operations significantly overlap core Pocket Trainer markets. This would not be good for Pocket Trainer or franchise owners!
Current franchise owners have experienced no problem in the area of winter horse showing and commi$$ion latitude. We have carefully selected Pocket Trainer clients to be those that appreciate the Pocket Trainer Experience! and like to embrace it wholeheartedly. Take for instance our dear, trusted client sweetnlo, who expresses horror at the thought of a client who can recognize her own horse, never mind knows that the horse has (and loses) a fly mask. Clearly our selection process cannot be beat!
If you wopuld like to be considered for a franchise, please submit a database file of all horse show zip codes as well as home base zip codes for the previous 2 years, and we will evaluate your geographic potential and consider your request.
Pocket Trainer cannot sacrifice its high $tandard$ and cut price, even for a Euro market. However, Pocket Trainer currently makes a killing, er, good living on upgrading Pocket Trainers to the "Foreign Pocket Trainer" model (if you have to ask, you can't afford). We are always looking for good connections as it relates to Oirish Lads, as this is a demand we can barely meet under our current international arrangements.
Perhaps we can arrange for a mutually $ati$fying arrangement regarding an exchange for Oirish Lads and your own personal Pocket Trainer Experience?
Pocket Trainer regrets that we cannot be everything to everyone. While Pocket Trainer could arrange your love life, we have elected to do one thing and do it well. And what we dowell is make you the Ultimate Hunter Princess. And let's face it, success and love follow the Beautiful People.
We urge you to embrace the full Pocket Trainer Experience! and become the winner that everyone knows you truly are. Then and only then, will you find yourself surrounded by other winning riders! Think of it! Blue ribbons and dates! What more could a rider wish for?
Well of course you could wish for a lovely 1994 Chalone Estate Chardonnay, and of course we do recommmend it when you are surrounded by eligible GP riders.
And for those that truly want to embrace the GP rider lifestyle, we suggest the Pocket Trainer European Experience ($5995). Meet new and exciting international riders as you compete! Pocket Trainer does not guarantee the preferences of any other rider, including but not limited to sexual preferences. Pocket Trainer furthermore indemnifies itself against any actions resulting from any meeting, dating, relationship, legal or otherwise, that may result from any Pocket Trainer Experience.
Pocket Trainer urges you to not associate with people who cannot appreciate the Pocket Trainer Experience! This is probably the same sort of person who casts aspersions on vital trips to Europe to buy your Winning Mount of the Month.
And Pocket Trainer does offer a variety of international versions of Foreign Pocket Trainer, although we have do have a sale on our remaining Brazilian models (call 1-800 GOTMYPT for details and pricing). It's just not as popular as it one was.
While I appreciate your services to the unwashed masses are you not concerned about an investigation regarding monopolistic practices?
After all, B. Gate$ brought computing to the unwashed ma$$e$ (you only have to look at these boards to realize how far the IT industry has fallen) and was thanked by a big law$uit and the revelation of some rather embara$$sing email$.
Or, are you careful not too bundle too much together?
Also, any plans to release a version of Pocket Trainer that may be installed as an add on to my PDA?
I think I need to order a vocabulary update, "veterinary"????? I have never the word before. I am glad it ended in "good" news, I shall have an extra martini (as if there is such a thing) with lunch to celebrate.
12th floor of the Acme building in a city that knows how to keep it's secrets.
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Pocket Trainer:
Dear Time for a Change!
We eagerly await your bank routing numbers before we ship this upgrade and thought you might like to know that Ms. Midge's check arrived yesterday.
Pocket Trainer recommends a hearty belt of 25 year old Whiskey when one realizes one's partner in misery (Midge) is about to get those lead changes...<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>
Dear Pocket Trainer, Thank you, thank you, thank you for all the lovely lead changes this week-end and the championship! I did not, however, realize the lead changes came attached to a new horse! I AM rather attached to Midge (although I shudder when I realize this means you know I can actually recognize my horse.) In any case, what do I do with Midge, since the lead change function came attached to a new horse?
It Felt Like Infidelity
You will not rise to the occasion, you will default to your level of training.
While I understand the importance of "veteraniary" responsibilities taking your time I am now writing for the second time and now find myself in a totally HUGE problem with the Pocket Trainer products.
When I wrote for advice/information on Friday, October 3 the situation was not too out of control. EARLY Saturday morning your Pocket Trainer Pocket Princess, Pink Tata Model arrived at our front door.
This has sent the electrical/electronic system of my original product (Pocket Man Mister) into overload and I cannot seem to get it reprogramed.
The 2 products in the same house/barn has seemed to create some sort of magnetic field for the Pocket Man Mister and I cannot get him unattatched to "the Princess". There is a magnetic attatchment there that I cannot seem to undo.
The Pocket Princess product seems, at the same time, to have a short wire in it's 'puter board....it simply fluffs is wirey yellow "hair", blinks it's eyes, smiles and applys lipstick ALL the time..nothing more..
What to do...can they be fixed or may I return them for a different product.