Pocket Trainer recommends the "Nurture and First Aid" options available ($195 each) as an upgrade to Pocket Junior ($495 installation, $99.95 monthly subscription plus tips!). The nurturing Pocket Junior will commiserate with you and even kiss your boo boos if that is what rocks your world. The First Aid selection will quickly run to the horse show medics and hound them to attend to you, or call 911 if there are no medics available. Even better, First Aid Pocket Junior will spike your coffee with Kahlua or Baileys at your request. Now that's First Aid!
We also find that the Nurture option is a nice compliment to those of you who prefer the Abuse Mode upgrade ($1095) for your Pocket Trainer. After Pocket Trainer is through ripping you a new one, Pocket Junior can come along and tell you what a mean old horrible baddie Pocket Trainer is, and you are so brave and noble ot put up with Pocket Trainer. Nurture Pocket Junior also comes with a silk hankie so you can dab your eyes.
Pocket Trainer thinks you might just be the perfect client for the Pocket Trainer Experience! In fact, if you are enjoying a 1994 Sokol Blosser Pinot Noir while you supervise the painters, we here at Pocket Trainer are delighted to inform you that you match our Ideal Client Standards perfectly!
And Pocket Trainer understands that you get what you pay for and you are the kind of person that wants to get plenty! While our Pocket Junior and Pocket Groom models appear to be comfortably priced, it is important to remember than you cannot purchase them with purchasing Pocket Trainer. We like to think of Pocket Groom and Pocket Junior as the little "extras" that make the whole experience special. But sometimes these "non-horse" type attorneys get a little confused by the things we consider routine in this business. So we recommend our latest product addition: Pocket Attorney ($2395 installation plus $395 monthly retainer).
Just a word of caution first. Pocket Attorney cannot be used for any actions, civil or criminal, outside the Pocket Trainer Experience! But your Pocket Attorney can represent your interests when buying and selling horses, considering Pocket upgrades and representing you, when your 10 year old child runs over the show manager in your golf cart. And best of all, Pocket Attorney is not plagued by any legal doubts when it comes to Double Dipping! There will be no limitation on the horses you can buy! No more worrying that your attorney will step in and screw the deal for last year's HOTY over a silly thing like quadruple commi$$ion$! And won't it be a relief to know that Little Susie can drive herself to the foodstand?
Pocket Trainer is confused. What is this "Dressage" thing you speak of? But Pocket Trainer reminds all Pocket Trainer clients that for an additional $995 you can get the Pocket Trainer Earset for on course corrections! However, if you feel you may be challenged by asking your horse to wait coming home or move up the first line we always recommend the Pocket Trainer Implant ($1995, surgery costs extra) so your horse can always hear your trainer's voice telling him to easy or move up. And let's face it, your horse doesn't even recognize you, so he might as well hear a familiar voice!
Our Pocket Junior and Pocket Groom should meet your needs completely. But you may want to consider the Nurture upgrade to your Pocket Junior if you are excessively needy or nervous. Nurture Pocket Junior will make you feel special even if it takes 5 bottles of 1993 Arrowood Merlot!
We here at Pocket Trainer are confused by this Dressage thing. We have a standard of hacking our horses for at least 5 minutes before we send our clients in the ring, and are confused at the need for an actual competition involving a hack "pattern". After all, we know that our horses can be counted on to barely register a pulse in their hack and o/f classes so why do more?
Still, we are exploring this Dressage market and preliminary studies show a similar degree of wealth and unwillingness to break a nail, not to mention the whole import thing. We would be interested in talking with you about expanding our market base, but first we need written assurances you have not ever felt the need to cavort over any cross country type obstacle, unless it was a) at Spruce Meadows or Hickstead or b) it was when Splutelferd was stung by a bee and leaped the manicured hedges in the barn courtyard.
Never fear, Pocket Trainer is all about a stress-free showing experience! And we at Pocket Trainer realize that when you are in the full Pocket Trainer Experience! you have more than enough time to contemplate your surroundings, so they should meet your every need.
But we confess, we were challenged by the same issues as you discussed. Your barn colors are an integral part of you and your identity on the show circuit. And let's face it, if people don't know they are passing YOUR barn, identified with YOUR colors, logos and monograms, what exactly is the point of being there? So we here at Pocket Trainer have developed the solution to color coordinating with your moods, wines and show gear while retaining your barn color identy. The Pocket Trainer Inner Sanctum ® ($795 per week per show - stall costs extra). Yes, we will design a neutral environment in an additional stall space, complete with mobile sound system and lighting to adapt to your ever changing needs (soothing aqua to go with a 1996 Parasio Springs Pinot Blanc as Pocket Trainer prepares Never Misses for your class, a bon vivant soft red to compliment the victory glass of Cuvee Dom Perignon after Never Misses sweeps the division and so on...)
Pocket Trainer begs you to come over from the dark side. There is a place where you drink and your trainer flips your horse while you get a manicure from Pocket Junior!
We invite you to explore the Pocket Trainer Experience at one of our showrooms located at an A2 show near you! You won't be sorry! ($19.95 admission fee, children must stay with their Au Pairs or Nannies at all times).
Dear Pocket Trainer,
Is drinking with no eeek-whine dilema as an excuse acceptable??? Are there other excuses?? I would like to order the Key Keeper Chauffer addition for those times when I "don't feel like being bothered to drive".
Your product sounds extremely useful. However, will the abuse upgrade blame me for any deviation that my horse, "80K Commission," makes from the perfect standard that Pocket Trainer has molded him into? For example, if it would take a meathook bit to get him to bend to the left after my last lesson, will I be appropriately chastised and told that I am ruining him? (of course I realize this can easily be solved by selling "80K Commission" and buying "UberRobotus" from overseas, but in the meantime, what to do????)
In a state I no longer want to live, but have to for now.
Dear Pocket Trainer:
People tell me my horses teeth look terrible, you know dark stains on the incisors. Is there a dental cleaning option. My horses must have a pearly white smile. I would not dream of doing it myself, how dare I even think of,I would probably break a nail!
Could that come with a pedicure option for my horses also? I can't see myself cleaning their feet and putting the hoof oil on, I would get dirty!
Dental Dilemma & Hoof in Mouth
Member of the Western Clique, Quarter Horse Clique and Stallion Clique
Owner of and slave to a small herd - Indio Joe (Paint Stallion), Im A Skip (AppY Gelding), You Cant Imagine (QH mare), and Miss Orphanannie Two (QH mare)
I saw something at a show this weekend, that quite honestly shocked me. There were people there with home bred horses, the back yard variety. Not only that, the mother was training the daughter, teh father did the driving, and the daughter did all the work herself. And to top it all off I heard her say how her mother made her show shirt!!
I was appalled!! Appalled to the point of almost messing my hair up!! Is there a gift box set that I may perchase for such a person in a sorry state. Or better yet, does "Pocket Trainer" have a charity department for such sad cases of HP abuse??
~*~ No.. No I can't spell.. so stop buging me about it!!~*~
I recently had a terrible show experience. While my horse was lunged to exhaustion, had the course memorized, and was drugged to near unconsiousness by my Pocket Trainer, I still placed only a measly 6th.
I must only conclude that this is because my Pocket Trainer did not exhibit the mandatory "whoop, whoop, whoop" at the end of my round.
After calling my Pocket Trainer 1-900 advice line (and paying the $9.95 per minute fee), I was informed that I do not have the Pocket Trainer Sound and Speaker system installed.
How do I go about purchasing and installing this system? As you know, even the best round on the most dead horse cannot place highly without vocal assurances from a well-known Pocket Trainer at the conclusion!
All Too Silent
"Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work." -- Thomas A. Edison
I am writing out of desparation and frustration and hope you are able to help me with my delima..
I purchased your Pocket Man Mister recently and I believe I may have received a faulty one...possibly a replacement would be appropriate. The model I purchased was the Ultra Superior at $2,300.00 instead of the "normal model" at $1,450.00.
Pocket Man Mister arrived and for the first few weeks appeared to function perfectly and without problem and I really believed the price I paid was far below it's value..
When I requested Pocket Man help at the barn after his regular work "job", he would arrive and work diligently into the night without a single moan or groan!!
When I woke up each morning the horses were fed and groomed and turned out already AND he had fresh coffee AND a smile!!
When I arrived home late from the barn there was a wonderful dinner waiting as a lovely hot bubble bath surrounded by candles for my enjoyment...
Lately however..Pocket Man Mister, Ultra Superior Model, is acting and reacting as tho there is a short in his electrical 'puter board.
When I requested yesterday that he meet me at the barn after he got off work he whizzed around, his head jerked left and right and he informed me that "REAL POCKET MEN MISTER'S DON'T DO THAT"..
When I woke up this morning Pocket Man Mister was having a scrumptious breakfast of eggs, bacon, pancakes and coffee....when I asked where mine was he replied that it could be up my %$# for all he cared...
When I got home late this evening HE was in the bubbly bath with ear phones on singing LOUD and WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY off key. I asked when he would be finished so I could have a turn and he informed me that my "turns were up, it's over tootsie!!"
What am I to do?? I have read your Return Policy and your Limited Guarantee and I am not sure what you would like me to do...
As I walked out the door to work this morning Pocket Man Mister, Ultra Superior Model, waved and said I should expect his "Companion" product to be there when I got home tonight..I believe I heard him say ..Pocket Princess, Pink Tata Model...
I also swear I heard him remind me that his own Pocket Pool game would arrive with his Companion Product....
I can only respond that it is vulgar to actually discuss matters of wealth. And cavorting (over fences, under suspicion, in the tack room or between the 300+ counts) is simply not discussed either. Although all of the above do, in fact, occur. Think of this as market expansion opportunity for the white sound device.
PS If there is such a thing as a Pocket Princess model in the works, all bets are off. Previous non disclosures are unenforcable and my hourly rate of grossly overpaid/hour applies.
I am scared. I read one of your "supposed" clients actually knew her horse, even worse that he had a fly mask. PLEASE tell me this was an impostor, QUICKLY as the only beverage available to me is domestic light beer in a can, with dare I say a COOOZEEEEEE.
I am really really seriously considering jumping on this whole Pocket Trainer bandwagon and reccomending it wholeheartedly to every client in my barn (once I get a barn, that is)...but is there a Pocket Trainer Pro version available yet? I mean, one that will help trainers to calculate an appropriate sales commission based on a client's material resources and desire to fit into the whole HP scene? With a feature, of course, that will help ease the transition all clients must make from "weekly lessons" to "owner: show string of three." A Parental Control would be extremely desirable as well. And a special amateur model to provide that extra nudge to those who are torn between a third vacation home at a ski resort and a condo in Wellington? While your're at it, a filter to screen out any harmful emmissions from potential Hostile Family Members would be terrific.
It would be so helpful, as well, to provide your Pocket Pro subscribers with features which provide for "expansion of client base," a "travel to FL incentive" module that can be inserted into our clients' Pocket Trainer packages (these would include a corresponding Pocket Pro Kickback System, of course). And for those pros who are just hitting the big time, Pocket Pro Basic Tack Room Decorator's Assistants.
As Pocket Pro subscribers will be required to pay business rates, I would appreciate receiving more information on these before I make a final committment. (Incidentally, have you considered a franchise scheme at this point in time?)
I second M. O'Connor's question regarding franchises, and am wondering if you are considering expanding to Ireland. Of course, you would first need to restyle your Pocket Trainer, Basic (aka Cheap) to speak Oirish and convince the people who do desperately need one to spend the money on it. Perhaps a collaboration with Guinness or Tullamore Dew or ever the rare Connemara Whiskey would be appropriate?