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  1. #281
    Join Date
    Nov. 1, 1999
    Location
    Someplace Wet
    Posts
    7,764

    Default

    Beezer I hear that Pocket Trainer is coming out with a line of faux bottles. Decant chuck into on of these bottles.

    No one need know, they will think you had a drink in advance.

    _\\]
    -- * > hoopoe
    The ancient Greeks did not write obituaries. They only wanted to know if you had a passion.
    _\\\\]
    -- * > hoopoe

    www.meanderingwa.blogspot.com



  2. #282
    Join Date
    Dec. 15, 2000
    Location
    In the best barns everywhere!
    Posts
    217

    Default

    Dear Powder Puff!

    While Pocket Trainer requires ALL her clients to discreetly flash some cash at opportune moments, Pocket Trainer requires a modicum of intelligence to be used in conjunction withthe cash flashing.

    If you insist upon using your cash in such a manner, far be it from Pocket Trainer to pass judgement (we have a firm policy of not passing judgement as long as Pocket Trainer's bills are paid!). But you might refrain from tipping Pocket Groom with that bill, especially after you made Pocket Groom run the 2 miles back to the barn (without the golf cart) to get your spurs, number, crop and helmet. Even better if you had remembered to tell Pocket Groom to get all those things at once instead of 4 seperate trips!

    Sometimes there is just a penalty to pay for our sins. Pocket Trainer regrets this, as Pocket Trainer feels that there should be no penalties in our lives except that which comes with failing to buy just the right horse (as ably assisted by Pocket Trainer).

    Yours in a Pocket!

    Pocket Trainer

    See the light! (Light available - $99.95)
    Yours in a Pocket!

    Pocket Trainer

    See the light! (Light available - $99.95)



  3. #283
    Join Date
    Dec. 15, 2000
    Location
    In the best barns everywhere!
    Posts
    217

    Default

    Dear Steeped!

    Forgive Pocket Trainer the oversight. We rarely mispeak, and when we do it causes us grave concern. Rather than imply that you wear the same coat every year, we were far more concerned with the idea that one might wear the same "colors" every year.

    How could we effectively guide our clients if we could not help them with such challenging decisions as exactly which shade of window pane fresh seafrost khaki goes best with their chestnut mount, and will that same decision hold true two weeks after body clipping?

    These are not trivial matters in our world, and we feel that we provide the best possible service in this regard. However, our team of research experts is looking into this sport as we do see many exciting opportunities. Unfortunately our current glitch is how to make a warmblood "effective" in a hunt field. This mount, so suprememly useful with the amateur, is proving to be a bit recalcitrant when it comes to the necessary boldness so vital when riding hell bent for leather over uncertain terrain. Our best mount (Counts For You) has turned into a stopper, flummoxed by his inability to count higher than 9! And while the TB is well suited for such endeavors, some degree of riding talent appears to be critical to survival.

    Alas, your quandary appears to be ours as well. We will get back to you as soon as we have solved the riddle. Genetic cloning may play a role.

    Yours in a Pocket!

    Pocket Trainer

    See the light! (Light available - $99.95)
    Yours in a Pocket!

    Pocket Trainer

    See the light! (Light available - $99.95)



  4. #284
    Join Date
    Dec. 15, 2000
    Location
    In the best barns everywhere!
    Posts
    217

    Default

    Dear Wishing You Were Charles!

    While normally Pocket Trainer would disdain all things along the lines of "Two Buck Chuck", we here at Pocket Trainer cannot deny the lure of a 5000% markup.

    While Pocket Trainer might see the value of charging six figures for that formerly unknown 4 figure pony with a cute step, up until now, Pocket Trainer hadn't seriously considered doing the same for wines. But while Pocket Trainer might be late to the party, never let it be said that Pocket Trainer is not AT the party!

    However, that all being said, there is a value in the 6 figure pony or the 90+ score wine. It usually delivers. Or it delivers more reliably than the cheap pony or wine. So if you go forth with this scheme, one can only hope that you are clever enough to find those rare bargain gems, or you have fools for friends/clients. Naturally it goes without saying that Pocket Trainer deals exclusively in the former.

    Yours in a Pocket!

    Pocket Trainer

    See the light! (Light available - $99.95)
    Yours in a Pocket!

    Pocket Trainer

    See the light! (Light available - $99.95)



  5. #285
    Join Date
    Dec. 15, 2000
    Location
    In the best barns everywhere!
    Posts
    217

    Default

    Dear No Longer Perpelexed!

    While the WSJ has not as yet retained our services, we cannot but admit our admiration for such a fine example of journalism.

    Why we just get giddy reading about CEOs dodging government bullets. Wealthy people everywhere know the WSJ cares about them, and champions them in their times of darkness. Naturally a fine wine and a quality show horse helps anyone through those moments.

    Yours in a Pocket!

    Pocket Trainer

    See the light! (Light available - $99.95)
    Yours in a Pocket!

    Pocket Trainer

    See the light! (Light available - $99.95)



  6. #286
    Join Date
    Jun. 2, 2002
    Location
    maple syrup capital, ohio, a place where the sun don\'t shine (seriously, it doesn\'t!)
    Posts
    993

    Default

    Dear Pocket Trainer,

    In a few weeks i am going to be making my debut in the Junior Jumpers, and to celabrate, i NEED a new hunt coat so i won't look out of place. then, even if i have a bad round, i will be remembered because of my smashing hunt coat.

    i found the perfect dark grey hunt coat with blue piping that would look wonderful with my dray brown horse. but there is a problem. My mother refuses to by me a new hunt coat! she says that i can wear one of my many hunt coats and that the coat that i want is too expensive. can you believe it?

    oh Pocket trainer, will you please help me?

    thanks so much, HuntCoat-less in OHIO

    ~Blaze~
    *Tucker*
    <kate the queen of leaning and of limestone>
    ~Tucker~Caliban~Blaze~



  7. #287
    Join Date
    Dec. 25, 2000
    Location
    North East, USA
    Posts
    1,200

    Default

    Dear Pocket Trainer: As I am getting on in years I have had all the cosmetic surgery I can to stay pretty in the saddle. I am now concerned that "I am too pretty for my horse." Do you offer any cosmetic surgery for horses so that I can make sure my horse looks her best too? What nip and tucks for her would you suggest? Also, how about makeovers and beauty products for sale at the end of the makeover session for her.http://chronicleforums.com/images/cu...s/winkgrin.gif

    "The older I get the harder the ground hits."

    [This message was edited by TBMare on Feb. 23, 2004 at 07:24 AM.]



  8. #288
    Join Date
    Nov. 18, 2003
    Posts
    9

    Default

    Dear Pocket Trainer,

    Once again, I am turning to you for advice on some tasty gossip I heard, before it hits my column.

    A lovely Amateur bought a rather expensive horse from her new trainer. Upon hearing the results of her class, she turns to new trainer and asks, 'Why oh why did new horse not win a prize?'

    I thought I might have found Pocket Trainer in the flesh (although I was certain you would be better looking!) when he replied, 'You are not well known enough and must contribute to some horse-worthy charities in order to win a prize at WEF.'

    After the under saddle, her normally ribbon winning mount left the ring rosette-less and she asked again much the same question. He replied, (to the delight of the Bevel's sales clerk) 'You are wearing last years colors and need new clothes!'

    Now I know fashion and worthy charities are all Pocket Trainer approved methods of ribbon winning, but this seems to go a bit far. So, in your much vaunted Pocket Trainer opinion, is this exchange for real, or is someone a...um...Storyteller?

    ****
    What Hildegard Wouldn't Dare.



  9. #289
    Join Date
    Dec. 15, 2000
    Location
    In the best barns everywhere!
    Posts
    217

    Default

    Dear Hunt Coatless!

    I am afraidn you have nailed the proverbial problem right on the head, although if you have been spending as much time studying fashion notes as Pocket Trainer recommends, you should be confused about the use of the word "proverbial". We at Pocket Trainer can only hope...

    Meanwhile, we suggest that you wisk your mother's credit card out of her purse and do her the enormous favor of purchasing Pocket Trainer's Fashion Guide for Parents ($695 plus $195 per consultation). This appears to be your (and her!) only hope for your junior jumper future! Think of it as a rather premature Mother's Day gift.

    Meanwhile, have Dad get her a lovely bottle (or two) of Stags Leap 1995 Cask 23 Cabernet and I am sure her outlook on the world and all things Pocket will be much rosier.

    Yours in a Pocket!

    Pocket Trainer

    See the light! (Light available - $99.95)
    Yours in a Pocket!

    Pocket Trainer

    See the light! (Light available - $99.95)



  10. #290
    Join Date
    Dec. 15, 2000
    Location
    In the best barns everywhere!
    Posts
    217

    Default

    Dear Nipped and Tucked!

    While Pocket Trainer applauds your dedication to being all that you can be, even if it involves Michael Jackson's dedicated team of plastic surgeons, we here at Pocket Trainer must draw the line at plastic surgery on your horse.

    Please understand that there is NO problem with your horse that simply cannot be improved by a New and Improved Horse. To that end we direct you to the portion of your Pocket Trainer contract that discusses commi$$ions for your new hor$e. Normally we would schedule a European trip, but fortunately for you, you can save some travel expenses by purchasing at WEF this year. Naturally there will be added commi$$ions, but that is clarly laid out in Paragraph III.B.2.a.ii of your contract.

    As always, we recommend gingerly sipping you St. Clements 1998 Oroppes Red while healing from your latest round of "improvements" and contemplating your new star A/O horse!

    Yours in a Pocket!

    Pocket Trainer

    See the light! (Light available - $99.95)
    Yours in a Pocket!

    Pocket Trainer

    See the light! (Light available - $99.95)



  11. #291
    Join Date
    Dec. 15, 2000
    Location
    In the best barns everywhere!
    Posts
    217

    Default

    Dearest sweet(ly acerbic) Frostbyte!

    While you know you have no bigger fan than Pocket Trainer, please understand that we at Pocket Trainer would never be caught at the ingate explaining such obvious requirements to our clients! We pride ourselves on attending to such important details well in advance of our clients debut, especially if they are assuming the reins of a deadly accurate rider's former mount!

    We find this lack of attention to detail to be somewhat typical of the carpetbagger trainer. Swoop in, abscond with the client, sell them another horse for who knows how much. Not that Pocket Trainer has any issues with the concept. But please, do it well or don't do it at all!

    But sadly we at Pocket Trainer must agree that to win the hack one must surely have the proper lining in one's jacket. If this fails to set off even the rarest glint in one's mounts coat, then the gate should be one's reward!

    As for worthy charities, Wellington is an ever fickle place, and while keeping Michael Jackson's nose from sliding off his face may well have been last month's viable cause, the same cannot be said for today. We currently are addressing the latest cause celebre: Sexually Abused Children. We anticipate considerable focus on this charity, althoug it has been known to puit you on the outs with juge A, while ensuring a championship with Judge B. It's all in knowing who the judges are.

    As always, we recommend a Colgin '95 Herb Lamb Cabernet to top off the satisfaction of knowing you are wearing exactly yhe right coat and attending the "just so" benefit dinner.

    Yours in a Pocket!

    Pocket Trainer

    See the light! (Light available - $99.95)
    Yours in a Pocket!

    Pocket Trainer

    See the light! (Light available - $99.95)



  12. #292
    Join Date
    Jul. 14, 2000
    Location
    midwest
    Posts
    10,134

    Default

    Dear Pocket Trainer,

    A horrible thing just happened and your observation would be most meaningful.

    While responding in another post on this board, I was not able to spell Trakehner or a specific brand of trailer correctly. To cover my error I put the universal sign for a lazy web surfer, (sp) beside the offending words.

    My question is this; as an American, if I cannot correctly spell Trakehner, Hanoverian or Akhal-Teke without using spell check, does this mean I may only drink beer and watch NASCAR? Does this error mean I would not be allowed to show in Amateur Hunters over 40?

    In advance, thank you for your gentle assistance and firm guidance in this potentially delicate international conflict.

    SLW
    "The horse stopped with a jerk, and the jerk fell off."



  13. #293
    Join Date
    Dec. 15, 2000
    Location
    In the best barns everywhere!
    Posts
    217

    Default

    Dear Home Schooled!

    Can you spell your name on the signature line of your check or credit card receipt?

    We at Pocket Trainer feel that this or signing over Power of Attorney is really all the spelling you should ever have to do in order to enjoy the finer things in life.

    Yours in a Pocket!

    Pocket Trainer

    See the light! (Light available - $99.95)
    Yours in a Pocket!

    Pocket Trainer

    See the light! (Light available - $99.95)



  14. #294
    Join Date
    Dec. 20, 2003
    Location
    Land of cold, snow, & bugs, AKA Minnie Soda
    Posts
    6,500

    Default

    Dear Pocket Trainer--

    Excuse me if this has been asked before, but I certainly do not have time to read this thread and have no one to read it for me...perhaps there is program you might have for such a thing?

    Now, to my problem...it was brought to my attention today that my horses mane needs to be pulled and it was suggested I do such a thing. I was appalled, and I think you would be as well. However, no one will do the task for me and it is coming to a point where I might have to do such a thing *gasp*

    Might you have something to assist me in such grooming nonsense?

    Signed,

    Pulled about Pulling
    Co-founder of White Trash Dressage (WTD)
    http://www.lulu.com/mavw1971
    also available on Amazon.com
    http://www.cafepress.com/wtdressage



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