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  1. #1
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    Default husband won't accept end of marriage-update post 30!

    I'm writing this for a friend, in the hopes that someone might be able to help her with some words of wisdom.
    Her husband asked her for a divorce back on March 28, after admitting that he had been having an affair and was no longer in love with her. The next morning he went to breakfast with his new girlfriend. My friend and he had gone thru marriage counseling due to some lingering infidelity issues from last summer, but had been "released" from therapy and deemed "fixed". Upon his request of the divorce, she immediately moved out of their home, along with all of her possessions and the 2 dogs. She has been doing wonderfully and admits that they should've dissolved the marriage long ago. Of course, now that he's seen how easily she has transitioned into single life, he is re-thinking his position and harassing her to no end. The text messages start going off around 5am and continue throughout the day. She has told him time and time again that she is not coming back and that he has to accept that. He is still "with" his girlfriend and professes his love to his girlfriend via Facebook constantly. Thankfully there are no children involved and no major assets. They have all of the details worked out of the divorce and the necessary paperwork was filed a few weeks ago. I keep telling her that he doesn't really want her and the marriage, but as a man, he just wants what he can't have. The more unavailable she becomes to him, the more he wants her. I told her today to threaten him with the old "if you don't leave me alone, I'm forwarding all of your texts on to your girlfriend". She harbors no ill feelings towards the girlfriend, but actually feels sorry for her - knowing that her ex-husband is being such an a**. She does not want to hurt the new girlfriend, but can't think of anything she hasn't already said or done to get her ex to leave her alone! Her husband is a steroid-taking body building freak, so she is also battling his various emotional issues as well. She's walking a fine line, because we know he carries a concealed weapon and we've already expressed our concerns to our boss at work. A restraining order will not work in this situation because he truly doesn't give 2 sh*ts about the law.

    Any words of wisdom from women who have gone thru a similar experience???
    Last edited by Mali; Aug. 15, 2011 at 01:34 PM.
    Cindy



  2. #2
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    Default

    the restraining order is to leave a paper trail and to make the incident a criminal act vs a civil/domestic matter.
    Quote Originally Posted by Mozart View Post
    Personally, I think the moderate use of shock collars in training humans should be allowed.



  3. #3
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    Can't you block texts? Her best bet is too drop her phone service, sign up for new and keep the number private.

    The best way to get rid of gangrene is to cut that limb right off before it slowly sucks the life out of you.

    It really isn't that hard to get rid of a wishy-washy ex. (unless he's a violent pycho) You just cut them loose 100% and remove all avenues of contact. And then ignore, ignore, ignore. Not a word, even if they're standing right there blathering. Walk away and ignore.
    You jump in the saddle,
    Hold onto the bridle!
    Jump in the line!
    ...Belefonte



  4. #4

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    Sounds like she should find a new job and move as far away as possible, with only her immediate family to know where she is.

    Get a new cell phone number, too.

    There are too many horror stories about stalkers like this, she should protect herself. Scary stuff.



  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kwill View Post
    Sounds like she should find a new job and move as far away as possible, with only her immediate family to know where she is.

    Get a new cell phone number, too.

    There are too many horror stories about stalkers like this, she should protect herself. Scary stuff.
    She is estranged from her family. They are several states away, and she wants to keep it that way. She turned her cell phone off last week, and he immediately started sending her emails at work. He claims there was a local accident on the interstate and it looked like her vehicle. Of course, there was no reason for her to be on the highway at 4:45 am, so why would he possibly think it was her? He's just pulling out any excuse whatsoever to call her. I DID already tell her that the only way the police would listen to anything she says, is if she files a restraining order or some other form of charges. They have no interest in any of the previous phone messages etc. They will only consider anything that happens after paperwork is filed with them. Yes, we are well aware that there is nothing stopping him from walking thru our doors at work and blowing both her and I to high heaven. Do we live in fear of it- nope. We only hope that he takes himself out also (he did threaten suicide already, but I won't hold my breath on that one, although I would - if I thought it might help persuade him). I told her to turn him into the police for his illegal acitivities (he's a user AND a distributor) and let him rot in jail. At least then he can only get one phone call
    Cindy



  6. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by MistyBlue View Post
    Can't you block texts? Her best bet is too drop her phone service, sign up for new and keep the number private.

    The best way to get rid of gangrene is to cut that limb right off before it slowly sucks the life out of you.

    It really isn't that hard to get rid of a wishy-washy ex. (unless he's a violent pycho) You just cut them loose 100% and remove all avenues of contact. And then ignore, ignore, ignore. Not a word, even if they're standing right there blathering. Walk away and ignore.
    Love it! I've copied and pasted this in a message to her
    Cindy



  7. #7
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    Ditto what MB said. Block phone numbers, block texts, etc. Make copies of e-mails where she says "DO NOT CONTACT ME AGAIN".

    Then, if he persists, Mr. Policeman can pay him a visit and tell him that his attentions are not wanted and to CUT IT OUT.

    Mr. Policeman can also then explain politely that if he does cut it out, he will lose his right to carry a concealed weapon. "After all, dude, it's your choice."

    Wanna ask how I know this bit of trivia?



  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by Come Shine View Post
    Ditto what MB said. Block phone numbers, block texts, etc. Make copies of e-mails where she says "DO NOT CONTACT ME AGAIN".

    Then, if he persists, Mr. Policeman can pay him a visit and tell him that his attentions are not wanted and to CUT IT OUT.

    Mr. Policeman can also then explain politely that if he does cut it out, he will lose his right to carry a concealed weapon. "After all, dude, it's your choice."

    Wanna ask how I know this bit of trivia?
    I never even gave a thought that he might automatically lose his firearms privelege! I did tell her to print out all text messages. I'm also going to suggest to her tomorrow that she purchase a prepaid cell phone for the time being. There's a small number of people that actually need her phone#, so it shouldn't be difficult. They all know where she works, so she's not hard to find if there IS an actual emergency.
    Cindy



  9. #9
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    It sounds like you're already looking out for her and giving her good advice. She sounds like she's just not ready yet to stand up for herself. This puts her at risk for being victimized by the ex. I might urge her to continue therapy. Even if the first therapist deemed her "fixed" based on the little bit you said, seems like she's still willing to accept a dysfunctional and toxic relationship in her life. Perhaps she is having self esteem issues (and it's understandable considering what she's been through). Perhaps she was never a very assertive person. I don't know? But right now she needs to find that courage to stand up to Crazy Ex and say if he calls or txt's one more time, she will call the police for harassment. And when the creepy ex does (cause we know he will) she needs to be ready to call the cops, change her cellphone #, and take other actions to block him. If he threatens in any way, she must file a police complaint every time.

    All contact with the ex must end NOW. No exceptions. If he needs something, he can contact her through her lawyer. I don't care what crazyass excuse he makes up for emailing or calling her, it stops today. He lost his privilege to talk to her when he threw away a good marriage for his new girlfriend.

    Life for her is currently & will continue to be stressful on her for awhile. What you can do is to try to build up her support system. Ideas: Introduce her to other friends and get her out for a "girls night" from time to time. Get her into a support group if she might be suffering from depression or a victim of spousal abuse. Get her involved in some hobby or other interest that makes her feel good about herself (and keeps her too busy to have time to worry about ex). She needs to feel strong enough not to let his stupid games upset her. If he can't upset her, he loses all his power.



  10. #10
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    Default

    It's also very easy to block specific email addresses, especially on a business email site.



  11. #11
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    One of the first thing she did upon dissolving the marriage, was call her therapist. She is seeing him weekly, along with a massage therapist. She and her ex have had 2 joint visits with the marital counseler. She is not interested in pursuing any additional joint counseling sessions and her therapist & ex are both well aware of that.
    Cindy



  12. #12
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    Also send same information to her lawyer.

    The lawyer should run interference for her. Also a letter from the lawyer plus a visit from the local police might shake up dear ol' ex.

    Best of luck for your friend - divorce is never easy.
    "Never do anything that you have to explain twice to the paramedics."
    Courtesy my cousin Tim



  13. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mali View Post
    Yes, we are well aware that there is nothing stopping him from walking thru our doors at work and blowing both her and I to high heaven. Do we live in fear of it- nope. We only hope that he takes himself out also (he did threaten suicide already, but I won't hold my breath on that one, although I would - if I thought it might help persuade him). I told her to turn him into the police for his illegal acitivities (he's a user AND a distributor) and let him rot in jail. At least then he can only get one phone call
    Emphasis mine. VERY scary red flag. If he's threatening suicide, he feels that he has nothing left to lose and could be willing to do just that -- kill his ex-wife, you and/or other bystanders, and himself. Your friend needs to take this very seriously and go to the police. And contact a domestic violence program to learn what steps to take, and how to go forward and protect herself from here on.



  14. #14
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    Simple question...why would the OP have married a user/junkie? Why would she have ever stayed married to a user/junkie?

    I suggest she immediately gets a gun and the training on how to use it safely. Even without a concealed carry permit, very few police/juries are going to look badly on a woman being harrassed by a druggie ex-husband.

    Get a good bedroom door lock that will slow him down if he chooses to be a drama queen.

    If he is a druggie, get him arrested for carrying a gun. Amazing he hasn't been arrested yet.

    I'd guess he wouldn't commit suicide, cowards rarely do. Nothing like a druggie to come up with drama and techniquest they've used before to make themselves the victim.
    "Sic Gorgiamus Allos Subjectatos Nunc"



  15. #15
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    Trak-he probably wasn't a big user when they married, or she thought he was a casual user. The true junkies can hide it pretty well sometimes, and it sounds like he's more of a dealer now anyway. And I agree with you, it's too bad that these jerks don't just kill themselves, but usually want to take a bunch of people with them first. And the reason they stay married is that people think they can fix someone else, and that things will get better, especially when some 'therapist' is telling them it will get better.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White



  16. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by Trakehner View Post
    Simple question...why would the OP have married a user/junkie? Why would she have ever stayed married to a user/junkie?
    What difference does it make? You must be a fan of "Dr." Laura. Instead of addressing the situation at hand, you first blame the victim for something that you are assuming, and that can't be changed. Not very helpful.
    Quote Originally Posted by Linny View Post
    Those martingales were so taut, you could play Ode to Joy on them with a comb



  17. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by JanM View Post
    Trak-he probably wasn't a big user when they married, or she thought he was a casual user. The true junkies can hide it pretty well sometimes, and it sounds like he's more of a dealer now anyway. And I agree with you, it's too bad that these jerks don't just kill themselves, but usually want to take a bunch of people with them first. And the reason they stay married is that people think they can fix someone else, and that things will get better, especially when some 'therapist' is telling them it will get better.


    As someone who's sister had a drug problem and eventually committed suicide, I find this comment in very poor taste.



  18. #18
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    I took it that he's taking and selling steroids (which is still illegal), not crack/heroin/other hard drugs. Correct me if I'm wrong.

    Caitlin
    Caitlin
    *OMGiH I Loff my Mare* and *My Saddlebred Can Do Anything Your Horse Can Do*
    http://community.webshots.com/user/redmare01



  19. #19
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    Nice of you to try and help. I would suggest professional help, not therapists but people who deal with domestic abuse. There seems to elements, drugs, concealed weapons etc that raise this to that level. You may be a good friend, but you may not be experienced. Encourage her to seek out experienced counsel, who have seen this many times and would recognize when the incidents become life threatening and what to do.
    It's like "calling the vet out" instead of getting just internet input
    Good luck.



  20. #20
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    File a restraining order pronto. In my state you can do this at the courthouse and you get one for 30 days no questions asked. After 30 days you go to court.

    This was enough to stop my friends drunken ex because most bullies back down as soon as someone stands up to them. If he doesn't leave her alone he gets arrested, plain and simple.



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