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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jan. 25, 2009
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    Rock Chalk!
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    3,098

    Default New parents that don't get it.

    We are blessed to be at a barn where everyone gets along well. The moms are all friends, the kids do great together,etc.

    A few months ago this new family showed up with two kids. They whine constantly and cannot ride. Both think they're ready to jump 3' but neither can do a pole non the ground yet. Supposedly they rode "back East" before moving here.

    Mom is a PITA. She is snobbish, demanding and always better than the rest of us. Her kids go to a private school, which evidently Makes them better. They can't help put jumps away because the princesses have school the next day (as though All of ours don't). She said last night after watching the two of us who have 3'+ jumpers that they wanted to buy a horse so they could jump that big. Sheesh. I'm thinking of finding another barn for her.Aa Or a big hole.
    A proud friend of bar.ka.



  2. #2
    Join Date
    Mar. 2, 2011
    Location
    charlotte, nc
    Posts
    130

    Default

    this reminds me of a quote that use to be hanging in our barn - "Everyone brings joy to the barn- some by arriving and others by leaving"
    proud owner of a very pretty but completely useless horse (and one useful horse!)

    Horse Thoughts



  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jun. 7, 2006
    Posts
    9,033

    Default

    Whatever.

    The next time you know they will be there, bring a tray of brownies and invite all of the watching moms, including her, to come have some. Find three nice things to say in the course of this conversation about her, and three nice things to say about her kids.

    If she says, "Well MY kids go to Miss Fancy Farts Academy" say, "Oh, I've heard that's a wonderful school. Everyone I know whose kids go there has been very happy there and the kids just love it."

    The next time she says she wants to buy a 3' horse, tell her, "Well, if your daughter would like to, she is more than welcome to ride ours in a few lessons." (note: trust your trainer to manage the horse well in the lesson. They will not necessarily be jumping 3'.)


    This is far better than getting clique-ish and back-turney with them. They are in a new place obviously feeling insecure and you can just be gracious and refuse to engage in the pissing contest.

    And at this point you ARE engaging in a cliqueish little pissing contest, even if 'they started it'.
    Last edited by meupatdoes; May. 13, 2011 at 08:46 AM.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Nov. 24, 2010
    Location
    Santa Fe, NM
    Posts
    228

    Default

    Your barn has only one family like this? Wow.



  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jul. 2, 2003
    Location
    Woodland, Ca
    Posts
    6,256

    Default

    When she says something rude, snotty or stupid just smile sweetly and say, "well bless your heart." It's the southern equivalent of "F' you you stupid cow." or "my you are an idiot, aren't you?"... as far as the kids not helping with the jumps, your trainer should put a stop to that... or better yet let one of the other barn kids say something to the Princesses to make them feel like lazy gits.



  6. #6
    Join Date
    Dec. 28, 2001
    Location
    over yonder
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    2,978

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by meupatdoes View Post
    And at this point you ARE engaging in a cliqueish little pissing contest, even if 'they started it'.
    THIS
    Auventera Two:Some women would eat their own offspring if they had some dipping sauce.



  7. #7
    Join Date
    Aug. 4, 2010
    Location
    Bozeman, MT
    Posts
    611

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by meupatdoes View Post
    Whatever.

    The next time you know they will be there, bring a tray of brownies and invite all of the watching moms, including her, to come have some. Find three nice things to say in the course of this conversation about her, and three nice things to say about her kids.

    If she says, "Well MY kids go to Miss Fancy Farts Academy" say, "Oh, I've heard that's a wonderful school. Everyone I know whose kids go there has been very happy there and the kids just love it."

    The next time she says she wants to buy a 3' horse, tell her, "Well, if your daughter would like to, she is more than welcome to ride ours in a few lessons." (note: trust your trainer to manage the horse well in the lesson. They will not necessarily be jumping 3'.)


    This is far better than getting clique-ish and back-turney with them. They are in a new place obviously feeling insecure and you can just be gracious and refuse to engage in the pissing contest.

    And at this point you ARE engaging in a cliqueish little pissing contest, even if 'they started it'.
    This is a wonderful way to look at the situation and is the mature, responsible response that will make you feel better about yourself.



  8. #8
    Join Date
    Feb. 11, 2011
    Location
    Florida
    Posts
    556

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by fourmares View Post
    When she says something rude, snotty or stupid just smile sweetly and say, "well bless your heart." It's the southern equivalent of "F' you you stupid cow." or "my you are an idiot, aren't you?".
    PMSL!!! My quote of the day!
    "Reason is, and ought to be, the slave of passions." David Hume



  9. #9
    Join Date
    Mar. 27, 2008
    Location
    Maryland
    Posts
    1,794

    Default

    Can you not just say "hello" and get on with your own business? Sometimes the best defense is to have as little contact as possible with people who instigate drama.
    I don't do drama. It's a maxim that has served me well.



  10. #10
    Join Date
    Apr. 28, 2008
    Posts
    7,549

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by meupatdoes View Post
    Whatever.

    The next time you know they will be there, bring a tray of brownies and invite all of the watching moms, including her, to come have some. Find three nice things to say in the course of this conversation about her, and three nice things to say about her kids.

    If she says, "Well MY kids go to Miss Fancy Farts Academy" say, "Oh, I've heard that's a wonderful school. Everyone I know whose kids go there has been very happy there and the kids just love it."

    The next time she says she wants to buy a 3' horse, tell her, "Well, if your daughter would like to, she is more than welcome to ride ours in a few lessons." (note: trust your trainer to manage the horse well in the lesson. They will not necessarily be jumping 3'.)


    This is far better than getting clique-ish and back-turney with them. They are in a new place obviously feeling insecure and you can just be gracious and refuse to engage in the pissing contest.

    And at this point you ARE engaging in a cliqueish little pissing contest, even if 'they started it'.
    Totally agree. Though I might not offer my horse and would instead rave about how exciting getting a new horse is.



  11. #11

    Default

    Hunter Mom, you're the one creating the problem IMO. It sounds to me that this Mom is insecure and is trying to fit in. Why no be a better person and reach out to her a bit? I like the tray of brownies approach, but if you can't bring yourself to be nice, then why say anything at all? Give her a quick response like "Bless your heart" or "that's nice" and then walk away.



  12. #12
    Join Date
    Dec. 19, 2009
    Location
    Pennsylvania
    Posts
    1,287

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by fourmares View Post
    When she says something rude, snotty or stupid just smile sweetly and say, "well bless your heart." It's the southern equivalent of "F' you you stupid cow." or "my you are an idiot, aren't you?"... as far as the kids not helping with the jumps, your trainer should put a stop to that... or better yet let one of the other barn kids say something to the Princesses to make them feel like lazy gits.
    Really? I lived in the south for quite some time and never heard it used that way. Perhaps it is regional?

    Anyway, if the kids won't put the jumps away, I'd be sure to have an empty ring when they arrive for their lesson and make them put the jumps OUT.



  13. #13
    Join Date
    Feb. 11, 2011
    Location
    Florida
    Posts
    556

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by oldpony66 View Post
    Really? I lived in the south for quite some time and never heard it used that way. Perhaps it is regional?

    Seems to work that way in "The Closer"
    "Reason is, and ought to be, the slave of passions." David Hume



  14. #14
    Join Date
    Jul. 31, 2007
    Posts
    15,556

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by fordtraktor View Post
    Totally agree. Though I might not offer my horse and would instead rave about how exciting getting a new horse is.
    I agree. Meupatdoes' strategy is so effective with people who enter conversations with the intent of one-upsmanship. They get no traction when everyone agrees with their fabulousness and just can't seem to be insulted no matter what.

    I think this kind of family comes with the H/J territory. They also bring money to the industry. You can't be surprised-- the horsey set already has a reputation for elitism and dearly-bought privilege. You do benefit from their infusion of money. You may or may not be able to reform them. But you can certainly can make it no fun to be uppity within your barn's community. They'll either adjust and keep paying you, or they'll take their attitude and money elsewhere. You might as well try to shape them gently enough that they stay in your barn. Or if they leave, at least you will have done the H/J world a great public service by not endorsing their elitism.
    The armchair saddler
    Politically Pro-Cat



  15. #15
    lifeisnotwastedonhorseback Guest

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by fourmares View Post
    When she says something rude, snotty or stupid just smile sweetly and say, "well bless your heart." It's the southern equivalent of "F' you you stupid cow." or "my you are an idiot, aren't you?"... as far as the kids not helping with the jumps, your trainer should put a stop to that... or better yet let one of the other barn kids say something to the Princesses to make them feel like lazy gits.
    She is totally correct!!! I live in the south and I have heard more than once somebody say "bless your heart" and knew that it meant something other than kindness.

    As far as the jumps go, if they want to jump they have to help. If they only want to do flat work then fine. If they are serious about jumping then they will eventually come around. It may take a little while, but when they see everybody else having a great time over fences they will come around.

    Oh and yes you are lucky to only have one family like this. We have had more than a couple come and go but luckily our really close barn family has stuck together!



  16. #16
    Join Date
    Mar. 19, 2006
    Location
    VA / NJ
    Posts
    2,502

    Default

    "Bless your heart" is indeed a Southern favorite, as well as the lovely "How nice for you..."
    www.midatlanticeq.com
    Mid-Atlantic Equitation Festival,Scholarships and College Fair
    November 13-15, 2015



  17. #17
    Join Date
    Jun. 17, 2001
    Location
    down the road from bar.ka
    Posts
    32,225

    Default

    Been in boarding/training barns forever-as in 45 years. Going to be blunt here too (as usual), nothing worse then a cliquish behavior by adults at a teaching barn.

    Look....they are new and ALL parents more or less slober with delight when sharing the achievements of their children-actual or percieved. That's what they do. Sometimes it turns into verbal sparring and "my kid is better then your kid". But that takes somebody to spar with and if you don't get hooked into it, it won't get started.

    These people are paying for lessons. If there is no requirement they stay and put up the jumps? They don't have to and, unless OP is running this barn? Nobody has any right to remove them before they get there except the person running the program...and doing so is mean spirited and childish if they are not contractually required to help with barn chores.

    If Mom wants to talk about getting them a 3' horse??? SO WHAT? Maybe she is trying to fit in with all you owners and all the kids doing the 3'. You know, it's not a bad thing to have a goal like a 3' horse...but the suitability of one is up to the trainer, not parental railbirds.

    If OP is the BO or trainer, the attitude coming across here is highly unprofessional. If OP is just another Mom and trainer client and does not like these people??? It's not her problem and not her right to criticize-let the trainer do the job they are paid for and teach/advise her clients. Who knows, maybe a little peer pressure will make them want to put the jumps up.

    Or not. MYOB. Try to be nice. for all you know, trainer will sell them a 3' horse next month and not share with you the details...then you may find yourself at odds with the trainer and it will not be the people you don't like leaving the barn. Happens. All the time. It is trainer's business.
    When opportunity knocks it's wearing overalls and looks like work.

    The horse world. Two people. Three opinions.



  18. #18
    Join Date
    Mar. 12, 2006
    Posts
    4,343

    Default

    They whine constantly and cannot ride. Both think they're ready to jump 3' but neither can do a pole non the ground yet. Supposedly they rode "back East" before moving here.
    I think part of the joy of youth is the belief and confidence in yourself. Not many kids have the ability to say, you know, my eye is not quite there yet and my base is weak, better keep schooling poles! They probably see you making it look easy and WANT to go jump 3'.

    I also think that given that there are more of you, you can change the dialogue. When she starts in on the superiority of private school, change the topic to spring vaccines. And honestly if kids are whiny brats, they aren't going to be helpful putting away jumps (and well, if they aren't actually jumping.... why are they obligated to put your jumps away?).

    If you really want to run mom off, next time she starts about the 3' horse you say ".... OMG, I love owning Bucky! Board is so reasonable- only $750 a month. And our farrier is incredible- keeps Pokey sound and its only $200 every 4 weeks with the wedge pads. And my gosh, the quarterly hock injections have really helped- I mean, $400 is only $1200 a year and SO MUCH cheaper than buying a new one when Pokey needs retired. And so glad trainer takes us to the B shows- so much easier to swing $500 a show vs. the $1500 for the rateds!"

    She'll probably herd the kids to the nearest gymnastics academy and be done with it!



  19. #19
    Join Date
    Dec. 28, 2001
    Location
    over yonder
    Posts
    2,978

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Hunter Mom View Post
    We are blessed to be at a barn where everyone gets along well. The moms are all friends, the kids do great together,etc.

    A few months ago this new family showed up with two kids. They whine constantly and cannot ride. Both think they're ready to jump 3' but neither can do a pole non the ground yet. Supposedly they rode "back East" before moving here.

    Mom is a PITA. She is snobbish, demanding and always better than the rest of us. Her kids go to a private school, which evidently Makes them better. They can't help put jumps away because the princesses have school the next day (as though All of ours don't). She said last night after watching the two of us who have 3'+ jumpers that they wanted to buy a horse so they could jump that big. Sheesh. I'm thinking of finding another barn for her.Aa Or a big hole.

    Just saving the OP. Based on the responses, this one might disappear
    Auventera Two:Some women would eat their own offspring if they had some dipping sauce.



  20. #20
    Join Date
    Jun. 17, 2001
    Location
    down the road from bar.ka
    Posts
    32,225

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by magnolia73 View Post
    If you really want to run mom off, next time she starts about the 3' horse you say ".... OMG, I love owning Bucky! Board is so reasonable- only $750 a month. And our farrier is incredible- keeps Pokey sound and its only $200 every 4 weeks with the wedge pads. And my gosh, the quarterly hock injections have really helped- I mean, $400 is only $1200 a year and SO MUCH cheaper than buying a new one when Pokey needs retired. And so glad trainer takes us to the B shows- so much easier to swing $500 a show vs. the $1500 for the rateds!"

    She'll probably herd the kids to the nearest gymnastics academy and be done with it!
    This makes more sense then anything else...and I read the OP as being from a huntermom who is just a parent/client at the barn and not running it-so they aren't her jumps anyway.

    Hey, there is a classic episode of I Love Lucy where they move to Conn. She gets caught up in the old keep up with the Jones's game of one upsmanship and mine is better then yours is when a local snob walks into a furniture store and she is shopping on a budget. Spends a years salary on pricey furniture and just cannot say "we can't afford it".

    It is very much the same game that goes on between parents and kids alike at a boarding/training barn. Especially when newbies come in that seem to have more money and others get jealous.
    When opportunity knocks it's wearing overalls and looks like work.

    The horse world. Two people. Three opinions.



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