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  1. #21
    Join Date
    Mar. 22, 2000
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    America, The Beautiful!
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    2,991

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    As a Mom myself, my first instinct is to say give her another chance, she's your mom, and so on.

    Then my inner Mom kicks in and says protect your children from this woman. That means to protect yourself so that you can be the best Mom you can be to your children.

    IF (and that's a very big IF) your mom is successful and cleans up her act, you could begin to see her again, but not with your kids until you are absolutely positive she is going to be okay.

    Your kids are what are important now. It's about them, not your mom.

    I'll send cyber-mom hugs to all of you who have gone through this or are going through this. I am lucky. I have a great Mom. And a wonderful Dad.



  2. #22
    Join Date
    Feb. 15, 2007
    Location
    often between a rock and hard place in Ky
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    4,824

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    Nope not a bad person, just a person with strong sense of self-preservation.


    I cut ties with my mom 20 years ago. It wasn't a healthy relationship at all. I even went so far as to have my step-mother legally adopt me when I was 21 years old just so that if anything happened to me my biological mother wouldn't have any recourse at all to get custody of my children.

    I haven't regretted it a day yet. I miss the ideal of what I wish my mom was, but accept the reality that she isn't nor will she ever be the mom I need.

    I am lucky that my dad and stepmom are there for me and my kids. My children have never met my biological mother nor do they know she exists and I am just fine with that.
    ___._/> I don't suffer from insanity.. I enjoy every
    ____/ minute of it! Member stick horse art lovers
    ';;;;;;; clique
    //__\\<-- Don't feed the llama!



  3. #23
    Join Date
    Dec. 31, 2010
    Posts
    154

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    You can make a family of your own with people who treasure you the way you deserve. Don't make yourself miserable by associating with people who don't care about you if that's what you need to do. Life is too short to be made miserable by selfish people who don't care about you. You need to decide what you can live with, and what makes you happy.

    THIS. IN SPADES. I've wasted way too much of my time trying to maintain a relationship with my two drama queen sisters. A recent string of events has forced me to accept them for what they are, and stop trying to get them to be what I want them to be. I'm the one making the phone calls and constantly capitulating, even when I know better, just to keep the peace. No more. My kids & husband are my family now, and so are my friends. I am polite to my parents, but the Queens of Mean are outta my life.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  4. #24
    Join Date
    Jun. 24, 2005
    Location
    Alabama
    Posts
    9,544

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    I know this is older and was revived, but there are two books by the same author, Susan Forward, one is Toxic Parents, and the other is about manipulative, guilt inducing relatives, plus there are many others by other authors about dealing with toxic in-laws, and other manipulators and users.

    For those who have children and cut off contact, it would be a good idea to seek legal advice by a family law attorney to see what documents you need to guarantee that your parents or other toxic relatives never get control of your kids or money or both in case something happens to you. Never underestimate the greed and vindictiveness that might drive someone to try for custody. And ask about grandparents rights in your state or province. Some places apparently let grandparents have visitation with their grandchildren even if it's against your wishes, and I don't know how enforceable that is even if other people have custody.

    For those struggling with this, I have to say that I still have no contact with my family, and I'm better for it. Of course, in my case they didn't want contact with me either, so it is different from some on here. It's not worth it to have to compromise everything you are, and believe in to make someone else happy, because you can't make someone love you that never has, and never will.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White



  5. #25
    Join Date
    Jul. 11, 2004
    Posts
    7,013

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    These wind up being like Parelli discussions...and with basically the same stories. "Mom's evil, mom's not a nice person etc....should I cut her from my life."

    Be an adult, kick the nasty cow to the kerb and don't worry about her. Why is this such a mystery and a repititive story of bad evil people and it's so hard to leave them?

    Oh well...quit whining, flapping your hands and worrying about the evil people in your life...leave!
    "Sic Gorgiamus Allos Subjectatos Nunc"



  6. #26
    Join Date
    Jul. 19, 2007
    Location
    Michigan
    Posts
    10,786

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    She is your mother, so you'll probably feel guilty, but you'll also be less likely to develop ulcers and have a neurotic breakdown. You'll be healthier and calmer if you put the distance between you. If she gets her shit together and gets clean, sober, and repentant, she'll probably know where to find you and you can take it from there.

    Look out for the rest of the family giving you crap, though--you might want a stock answer if any of them are prone to selling tickets for a guilt trip, like "I have my children to consider and I am focusing on their well-being."



  7. #27
    Join Date
    Oct. 16, 2011
    Posts
    1,231

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    Wow - I haven't read the entire thread yet but I am amazed and saddened at the number of people that have been in a situation like this with their mother. I am currently in a similar situation myself with my mom...tried to walk away a few times now, always take her back. Hurts like heck. Good luck to all of us.
    *Wendy* 4.17.73 - 12.20.05



  8. #28
    Join Date
    Nov. 25, 2004
    Location
    Charleston, SC
    Posts
    953

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    Quote Originally Posted by sodunzo View Post
    Super. Thanks. A few family members are thinking I should still be invested in this situation "because she's my mom" but I disagree.
    Just because she pushed you out of her vagina doesn't automatically make her your 'mother' - just the biological creature that birthed you.

    Being a 'mom' takes a heck of a lot more than that. It's not worth the probable anguish and grief you'd let into your life. Wish her well and walk away, with the caveat that if she wants to talk to you, she does it on your terms.
    Lucy (Precious Star) - 1994 TB mare; happily reunited with her colt Touch the Stars



  9. #29
    Join Date
    Dec. 21, 2008
    Location
    Missouri
    Posts
    2,204

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    Quote Originally Posted by msj View Post
    Some families are dysfunctional.

    Many years ago my aunt coined an expression about her son and it's stuck:

    "I love you because you are my son but I don't like you as a person."

    I feel the same way about my brother - I love him but I don't like him. He lives in Huntsville AL. I called him last wk the day before the tornadoes hit because of the storm warnings and told him to call me in the morning so I knew he was OK. I talked to him over the weekend and found out he didn't have any electricity (therefore no radio or TV)so I called him this AM to tell him about bin laden. Guess I love him but I'm glad he's down south and I'm up north.


    I would say that every family has some type of " dysfunction". You will never escape it even if you try not to have any in your own family.

    Your mom is sick and while I would take some time away while she is in rehab, I wouldn't end it all now. You are an example to your kids . Give your mom a chance to get better and try to support her , even if from a distance. Don't burn the bridge completely. People can change.



  10. #30
    Join Date
    Jun. 24, 2005
    Location
    Alabama
    Posts
    9,544

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    Since this topic started May of 2011, I guess we don't know what the outcome was.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White



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