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  1. #1
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    Jun. 26, 2001
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    Question BF stood me up (WWYD?)

    This is long, I apologize.

    I have been dating a guy I really like since the beginning of January. He's sweet, very smart, nerdy and weird in all the same ways as me... we just get along very well.

    The catch is, he's 30 and never had any sort of long term relationship. I think that the reason is that he's been insanely busy with school and professional endeavors (he's very very accomplished). That said, I was planning on asking him a bit more about it today. As well as having the "define the relationship" talk, since we haven't had it.

    The problem: he totally stood me up today. In 3 months, he has never done a single thing to suggest that he is unreliable or flaky in any way. Until today.

    He was planning on coming down to see me on Friday night, and I texted him to tell him he was welcome to spend the night if he'd like (since that hasn't happened yet). I also included in the text that if he didn't feel comfortable with that, it was fine. He never responded to that text.

    On Friday afternoon he texted me to say that he was feeling really tired and under the weather. He's a med student, so he works long hours... he's also a night owl, and the adjustment's been tough. He asked if we could reschedule for today (Saturday). I said that was fine.

    At 9 this morning he texted me and told me he had decided to come around 2. At 1:30, I texted to ask if he was on the road yet (he lives almost an hour away). No response.

    At 2:40, I texted him and said I was worried about him.

    At 3:30, I called to see if he was okay. His phone was on (it rang), but he didn't pick up and it went to voicemail.

    I called again at 4:15 or so, and again at 5. By this point I was quite concerned he had gotten in an accident and was on life support somewhere, or something like that.

    When he still hadn't responded in any way by 6:30, I called the hospital to see if he had been called in to work on short notice (nope). I called a friend of his to see if he had heard from him today (nope).

    I called around 8:30, and once more around 10. At 10:40, he texted and said that he had fallen asleep and been asleep all day. He apologized and said he would call tomorrow afternoon.

    So to sum this up: he slept all night last night, until at least 9 or 10am, then fell asleep before 1:00pm and remained asleep until well after 10:00pm.

    I responded first with, "I'm REALLY glad you're safe, but... I don't understand. Why didn't you let me know that you weren't coming. Was there NO point in the last 8 hours that you were even semi-conscious enough for the thought to cross your mind that I might be *concerned*?"

    Then I sent a second that read, "I understand that you want to call tomorrow, but I've been really stressed about this all day and I'd rather talk sooner than that if it's possible."

    He didn't respond, much less call.

    I suspect about half of this is him being nervous about starting his first real relationship, and the other half is... well, I don't know. Rudeness? Disrespect? Carelessness?

    How would you respond? What would you say to him when he called tomorrow afternoon?



  2. #2
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    Sep. 17, 2003
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    IMO, he senses you want to make it more serious and he's bolting.
    Delicious strawberry flavored death!



  3. #3
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    Nov. 6, 2005
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    You poor thing, been there before. Sounds like a change of heart. Have you read the book, He's just not that into you?



  4. #4
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    Aug. 10, 2009
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    I'm sorry, OP. He's not ready/willing/able. No one who cares about you and wants you in their future would leave you hanging. Move on and find someone who will respect you enough to at least call and let you know what's going on. He sounds like an immature douche. I don't care how busy or accomplished you are. If you haven't had a girlfriend by age 30, there is more to the story.



  5. #5
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    Oct. 27, 2010
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    Quote Originally Posted by EponaRoan View Post
    IMO, he senses you want to make it more serious and he's bolting.

    Ditto. In THREE months you are wanting to do the "defining the relationship" talk? With a med student? He barely has time to brush his teeth and NO energy for relationship tag on the phone. Inviting him to stay the night was probably a giant red flag for him. And then you phoned/texted him 7 times! and called friends and work? He's running gal, clear to the next county.
    Colored Cowhorse Ranch
    www.coloredcowhorseranch.com
    Northern NV



  6. #6
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    Jun. 26, 2001
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    Well, my plan is to have a serious discussion with him when he calls.

    Something to the effect of- "What you did was incredibly disrespectful and hurtful. Treating me that was is [i]not okay[/]. If yesterday was a representation of how much respect you have for me, first and foremost, it makes me sad because I really do enjoy spending time with you. But second, if you are so lacking in respect for me, clearly you aren't interested in pursuing a relationship with me.

    "If this is just a manifestation of your worries about getting into a serious relationship, that's fine. We can keep it more casual for now if that's what you want.

    "The bottom line being: it happened, and it can't happen again. If you cannot promise me that you will treat me with more respect in the future, we are done."

    I'm way bummed out. He's a really great guy and we have a lot in common. I rarely connect with others on the level that I've connected with him.

    Oh well. I guess all I can do is talk to him and try to get him to articulate how he feels. And if he can't/won't... well, I guess we're through.



  7. #7
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    Aug. 30, 2009
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    First of all, I'm sorry he did this and big HUGS. But, I bet he is very busy and not ready right now. This doesn't mean he may not have more time in the future -- but Med students and doctors are typically very busy and without free time ( or time to sleep). Anyway, best of luck.



  8. #8
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    Sep. 20, 2005
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    Well, if it were me, I wouldn't have called 5 times. I understand being concerned, but if he were hurt, calling him 5 times wouldn't change that. If he wasn't hurt (clearly he wasn't), one call is still enough. He'll call you back when he feels like it. Calling repeatedly just makes you look crazy. Especially considering you haven't really established a relationship yet.

    You made yourself look crazier still by texting him repeatedly after he did call you. Text once. If he wants to answer, he will. If he doesn't, he's a d-bag, but texting him repeatedly won't change that.

    As for the standing you up, well, he might be bolting. On the other hand, he's a med student. He probably has a TON of sleep debt built up, so it is possible that he just slept that long.

    Give the guy a break. He hasn't been flaky before, right? See what happens tomorrow afternoon. And for the love of dog, stop texting/calling him! Make him contact you! If he doesn't, you know he's a d-bag and you can start looking for someone better. But give the guy a chance.
    "Are you yawning? You don't ride well enough to yawn. I can yawn, because I ride better than you. Meredith Michael Beerbaum can yawn. But you? Not so much..."
    -George Morris



  9. #9
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    Jun. 26, 2001
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    Quote Originally Posted by coloredcowhorse View Post
    Ditto. In THREE months you are wanting to do the "defining the relationship" talk? With a med student? He barely has time to brush his teeth and NO energy for relationship tag on the phone. Inviting him to stay the night was probably a giant red flag for him. And then you phoned/texted him 7 times! and called friends and work? He's running gal, clear to the next county.

    He's been INCREDIBLY reliable in the past. I thought he was dead or seriously injured today. Really, I think I was justified in being concerned when he just didn't show up and then wasn't answering his phone. I'm hardly typically the smothering type, he REALLY freaked me out today.

    And I invited him to stay the night because he lives an hour away, and generally leaves at 3 or 4 am when he comes down. I figured he'd just be able to get more sleep. Guess I misjudged.

    Is 3 months of daily texting, regular phone conversations, spending huge chunks of weekends together, and meeting each others' friends... really too soon to have the "are we actually bf/gf" talk?



  10. #10
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    Nov. 6, 2005
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    Sleep easy, he's not that great a guy. Great guys don't run and hide and hurt feelings. And you can believe he knows your hurting. Try and back off him, I know it's super hard but maybe sometime with other friends will help you too put him in perspective . You deserve a great guy, who wants to be there for you and with you. Guys DON'T turn down an invite for a sure thing if they are intrested. Chalk it up to experience. Sorry for the way your feeling, It's hard when people let you down.



  11. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lazy Palomino Hunter View Post
    Well, my plan is to have a serious discussion with him when he calls.

    Something to the effect of- "What you did was incredibly disrespectful and hurtful. Treating me that was is [i]not okay[/]. If yesterday was a representation of how much respect you have for me, first and foremost, it makes me sad because I really do enjoy spending time with you. But second, if you are so lacking in respect for me, clearly you aren't interested in pursuing a relationship with me.

    "If this is just a manifestation of your worries about getting into a serious relationship, that's fine. We can keep it more casual for now if that's what you want.

    "The bottom line being: it happened, and it can't happen again. If you cannot promise me that you will treat me with more respect in the future, we are done."

    I'm way bummed out. He's a really great guy and we have a lot in common. I rarely connect with others on the level that I've connected with him.

    Oh well. I guess all I can do is talk to him and try to get him to articulate how he feels. And if he can't/won't... well, I guess we're through.
    And yeah, I definitely wouldn't do this.
    "Are you yawning? You don't ride well enough to yawn. I can yawn, because I ride better than you. Meredith Michael Beerbaum can yawn. But you? Not so much..."
    -George Morris



  12. #12
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    Jun. 26, 2001
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    Quote Originally Posted by SaturdayNightLive View Post
    And yeah, I definitely wouldn't do this.
    So what would you do? I'd love input!



  13. #13
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    Oct. 29, 2007
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    Let him say his piece first, for a med student taking a one-hour-turned-all-afternoon nap is fairly believable. Explain that the multitude of calls were because you were worried (vs pissed). Nice segue way into "I really care about you, I'm interested in taking this further. If you're not, just tell me now"
    "Things turn out best for the people who make the best of the way things turn out." ~John Wooden

    Phoenix Animal Rescue



  14. #14
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    I'll take the opposite perspective of others. Maybe he's really, really scared and doesn't know how to talk about it. That's pretty typical for men. Mine just CAN't talk until he's ready. He also may have never have had sex, which is not as unusual as you think, and dealing with it has got to be a huge issue.

    It may be that he is ready to bolt and not into you, but it may be that it's all too overwhelming. I would just make sure you know instead of giving up without knowing. I know when I need to have a serious talk with mine, I have to corner him in a comfortable place, tell him what I think, and wait three days or a week before he's processed it and can respond.



  15. #15
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    I would say that if you are interested in holding onto him, then give him a bit more time to adjust to both being a med student and be in a relationship.

    You have every right to be upset, and if this sort of "up and down" is not ok with you, it is ok to end it. In fact, I would suggest it, considering the nature of his current situation.

    If, however, you think you can handle the narcoleptic nature of this situation at times, talk it over with him in a less confrontational manner and give him the opportunity to figure out a better solution. Perhaps he IS nervous about the urgency he senses in you. For all you know, he had a Panic Attack thinking about a "define the relationship talk" and fell asleep due to the adrenaline rush (don't ask why I would know about such a thing) combined with the lack of sleep due to his job/med school.

    Your intensity is a bit "over-the-top" and I wonder if you suffer from anxiety. If so, address that on your own, as it has nothing to do with him. Meaning, he is not the cause, but merely a trigger.
    Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
    W. C. Fields



  16. #16
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    Jun. 7, 2006
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lazy Palomino Hunter View Post
    So what would you do? I'd love input!
    I would wait for him to call.

    He has your number.

    If he chooses to call and wants to make plans, THEN tell him that you really thought standing you up with no notice or call or apology afterwards was not acceptable. There's your whole speech in one sentence.

    If he gets snippy or defensive, don't even get into it with him.
    Just hang up the phone and move on to someone else.

    If he acts sincerely contrite (highly unlikely) he gets ONE more chance.


    But, seriously, quit chasing him around.
    He either takes it upon himself to reciprocate and initiate or it is D O N E .



  17. #17
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    Oct. 22, 2003
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lazy Palomino Hunter View Post
    Well, my plan is to have a serious discussion with him when he calls.

    Something to the effect of- "What you did was incredibly disrespectful and hurtful. Treating me that was is [i]not okay[/]. If yesterday was a representation of how much respect you have for me, first and foremost, it makes me sad because I really do enjoy spending time with you. But second, if you are so lacking in respect for me, clearly you aren't interested in pursuing a relationship with me.

    Wow, that conversation won't scare him away or anything. Please take a step back because you sound a little um... yeah. You're making all these wild assumptions about him not wanting a serious relationship and he blew you off and all that...

    I'd personally believe a med student who had just driven off shift and felt sick slept all day and totally screwed over his plans.

    I also would never have called/texted 7 times. And never his work! Just because he was MIA for a few hours? Are you kidding me?

    Accept these two truths:

    1) He probably isn't that into you

    2) If he wasn't on the run before he's on the run now.

    Best thing I think you can do at this point is:

    "Oh hi, Jimmy. You feeling better? Great. Oh that? Yeah, I was just worried about you. No idea why I suddenly got all 'ohmigod, he's in a ditch somewhere'- stupid, huh? Yeah. I'll let your mom worry about that next time, it's too exhausting for me!"

    Continue to make meaningless small talk. Do not suggest date or get together. If he suggests something accept casually. At no time make it sound like you're panting after him or avaliable at his beck and call.

    See points #1 and #2 above. Work smarter. Not harder.

    Think about if you had a horse who was behaving all twitchy like this. Would you get in their face and make things worse? Smart money is you play it cool and let them come to their own conclusions about the Big Evil Scary Thing.
    "The nice thing about memories is the good ones are stronger and linger longer than the bad and we sure have some incredibly good memories." - EverythingButWings



  18. #18
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    Sep. 20, 2005
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lazy Palomino Hunter View Post
    So what would you do? I'd love input!
    If it were me? I'd wait to see what happens tomorrow. See if he calls you. See if he shows up. See if he apologizes. If he does, this whole thing was probably just a fluke.

    I definitely wouldn't jump down his throat about it. Either A) He cares about you, in which case he already feels bad and is going to apologize, or B) He doesn't care about you, in which case your jumping all over him won't accomplish much more than making you look nuts.

    Either way, you should probably just let it go. If he does it again tomorrow, walk away. But don't pitch a hissy. It won't get you anything you want.
    "Are you yawning? You don't ride well enough to yawn. I can yawn, because I ride better than you. Meredith Michael Beerbaum can yawn. But you? Not so much..."
    -George Morris



  19. #19
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    Sep. 20, 2005
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    First of all, *many super hugs.* I'm so sorry you experienced so much anxiety and concern - it would be terrifying for anyone to have that experience with a loved one, and how incredibly disappointed and angry you must feel about hearing his "reasons." There's no excuse for that; if he wanted to break the date for any reason, he needed to man the hell up and do it properly. If he was literally asleep for that much time, he needed to grovel, not give you a line about tomorrow afternoon.

    My take (though you should know that the grain of salt approaches the size of a small pacific island) is thus: as a med student, there is a slim chance that he may truly be so exhausted he couldn't get on the road today. If that was the case, then a conversation needs to happen about how to treat people when you haven't lived up to obligations - manners/narcissism may also be appropriate topics. Bottom line - if he's legit, he needs to treat you better, no excuses. (ETA - if he's legit, I wouldn't jump down his throat about the breaking the date, because that's life - but hurting you isn't cool)

    However... I hate to say it, but I agree with those who say he may be bolting. Quite honestly I've even seen the "I'm sleeping" excuse used by several cheaters - it's a natural cover for "I'm in bed [with someone else]." I hate hate hate going here because I want it to not be this way, but I also don't want you to get screwed over. I feel like if he was merely trying to dodge the relationship talk, he may have given you a different excuse, if that makes any sense, or cancelled altogether. The "bolters" I've known seem willing to stay in contact, but just have mysterious things come up when you want to talk about something real.

    Ah, older men. So much fun. So much more dangerous. For some reason this year I ended up seeing two 39 y/os (not at the same time!), and even though I've exclusively dated older guys, this is the biggest age gap I've experienced. One had never been married and was a bolter down to the very depths of his core - never "cheated" because he refused to make any commitments to any person. He at least was honest when I confronted him about it, not a "bad" guy I don't think, but I should have seen the writing on the wall when he wanted to chat up someone my age. I don't even mean that with a sexual undertone necessarily - he has all the maturity of a 22 y/o. Be very careful when they're older and have never been committed - there is always, always a reason.

    FWIW, the biggest commit-o-phobe I've dated was a law student who wanted to focus only on school (understandable), and dropped me like a hotcake when I expressed my affection toward him (no L word, haha, just appreciation for his company). Sometimes that driven type, as much as they "have it together," are woefully messy when it comes to the personal stuff. This poor guy had been hurt by a gf when he was 18 or so, and hadn't "gotten over it" in 10 years. Point being, the reason he was so driven and successful was that he used it as an escape from any personal affairs.

    It's a shame that we can't be more honest and open with partners. Maybe it's age-related right now, but I feel like I'm stuck between the boys-who-want-a-mom and the men-who-want-a-playmate stage. Hard to have anything meaningful! Yet people do, so there must be some out there.
    Last edited by TB or not TB?; Apr. 3, 2011 at 12:35 AM. Reason: Realized I sounded mean to the guy if he was just suffering from med-student-life; that wasn't my intent)



  20. #20
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    Oct. 28, 2007
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    Maybe he did just sleep through a day and a night. Med school absolutely would wipe him out.
    He may not be the guy for you though. Medical careers tend to be demanding in terms of time and energy, and that may not work for you, especially if you are having a hard time understanding that now while he is in med school.



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