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  1. #41
    Join Date
    Jan. 17, 2014
    Location
    Chicago, IL
    Posts
    1

    Unhappy

    Bumping this thread from the grave...

    In the interest of full disclosure, I am not much of a horse person, although someone dear to me is. She teaches me daily horse facts and I know just enough to be dangerous, or at the least get past the horse question on the registration screen. However -- and this is where the world becomes small -- before I even met her I had been to the Chronicle offices thanks to, of all things, a Volkswagen press trip in 2007. So when the Chronicle forums and this thread came back as the first result for Googling leave my fiancee, I had to register and post here. It seems like this is where everything intersects, which sounds awesome until you realize that everything intersecting is also the salient feature of the Bermuda triangle.

    I digress.

    We started dating in January 2013, moved in together in April, and were engaged by May. By both our admissions, it was way too much, too fast, and we were both carried away by it. But a ring was offered, so engaged we were. This should be a genuinely happy time for both of us. This is the third act, isn't it? This means the resolution of all those fruitless relationships that came before.

    Doesn't it?

    Of course, life doesn't work that way. Westley and Fezzik and Inigo and Princess Buttercup rarely ride off happily into the sunset on their four white horses. So while we're good friends and I love her, I do not feel in love with her. She's very kind, and very accommodating, and a genuinely good person, but I don't feel connected. I feel like we're an old married couple who has broken through the sound barrier of any honeymoon phase and came out the other side just existing.

    Because of that, I don't look in front of me and see this wonderful wedded bliss; I see exactly what we have right now, just with more emotional, legal, and fiduciary entanglements. Of course, we already have deposits on venues and catering and cakes and ministers and DJs, and invitations mailed out, and a wedding website, and all those accoutrements. Every single one of them I have approached with a hanged man's resignation. If you are thinking that I should have figured all of this out before proposing, you're not alone. But as much as I think that one should be so crazy about his fiancee that he has to spend all his money on corks and pepto to stop up the excitement that is burning holes in him, my inner cynic laces his sausage fingers across his fat belly and reminds me that this is my second marriage, I have already expended all that youthful idealism the first time around, and I should approach this logically.

    And this is, if nothing else, logical.

    After all, we're both 35, advanced in our careers, make comfortable sums of money, don't have any crushing debts or awful diseases or horrible Maury-esque family lives, and we're extremely compatible when, ah, canoeing. She has a large Korean family that's welcomed me with open arms, and my comparatively tiny Irish-German family loves her. There are a lot of people in a lot worse situations who would kill for this; because, you know, the eat your food since there are starving kids in Africa line worked so well on us when our parents attempted to make us feel like entitled brats at the dinner table.

    One of my good friends, an Indian girl that I know from work, once told me that Americans are obsessed with the need to feel "in love." Granted, at the time, she was trying to explain why she liked her arranged marriage, but to hear her say it, an American marriage is like a fresh bowl of hot soup. It's delicious and irresistible at first, but it quickly cools off. An arranged marriage, she says, is a pot of stew that has just been placed on the stovetop. It starts off cold and slowly reaches a boil over time. Our need for immediate gratification is what gets us Americans into trouble, where the cold logic of having her parents make her marriage a business transaction led to a better husband than she could have picked because it wasn't clouded by emotion.

    If you are thinking that describing a marriage or even a relationship with all the excitement of an IKEA instruction booklet and framing it in terms of foodstuffs is profoundly sad, you are also not alone.

    As a coping mechanism with my dissatisfaction, I have started drinking more. I have gained weight from this. I have also stopped sleeping, at least with any regularity. Net self-destructive behavior. Self-image and confidence are difficult to maintain when I look like a zombie or have a swagger like Captain Ahab. Depression is there in the corner in that silly little dress it always wears, but there's no sense of humor behind it. My friends are getting tired of talking to me over a thirty-foot barbed-wire fence, of buying me drinks, of buying my B.S., of hearing me complain about being trapped yet unable to leave.

    If you are thinking that such sad resignation in a relationship would dispose me to meeting someone else, you would also be right. I've found someone that I feel is such a better fit for me that she could have been turned on the lathe of the gods. She challenges and bewilders me whenever we're together, someone my equal or better, someone who helps me make sense of the place I live. She also, to tie back to the beginning of this overwritten tale, teaches me daily horse facts. At first I was worried that I was excitedly jumping up and down because of the New! Shiny! person in my life, but it's going on six months since we first started talking and I still feel something I haven't felt from the fiancee in, well, ever: Hopeful. Peaceful. Eagerly anticipating the time we meet next. I've seen the bright and fun, as well as the dark and unpretty, parts of her; and I am on board. I am on board with everything about her. This, to me, is what being into someone is all about.

    While I'm treating the two as separate issues -- both relationships are separate entities, and I'm not ending one to jump into another -- I can't help but be grateful for having my eyes opened by the latter. I know what I have to do regarding the husk of my engagement and disentangle myself from the situation entirely, but it's the ancillaries that make it difficult. All the friends, the family, the mutual acquaintances; they'll all be disappointed. I have to send out notices to everyone who received an invitation letting them know that it's off. Future plans that we had will be trashed, and deposits will be lost. I'll even have to pay out nearly $17,000 to the venue, because of termination clauses in the contract. This isn't just burning the bridge, it's peeing on the ashes while it's still smoldering. I also feel like I'd be hurting an innocent, because the fiancee *hasn't done anything wrong*.

    I know what needs to be done, I'm just trying to buck up my resolve by putting everything into words, and hopefully get some encouragement. Since I don't know any of you personally, this is a very 'safe' avenue for expressing the thoughts pinballing about my head.

    Thanks for listening...


    7 members found this post helpful.

  2. #42
    Join Date
    May. 6, 2006
    Location
    rapidan,virginia
    Posts
    1,510

    Default

    "He had to deal all at once with the packed regrets and stifled memories of an inarticulate lifetime." The Age of Innocence

    Do you want to be that guy??
    "Can you imagine what I would do if I could do all I can?" Sun Tzu, The Art of War
    Rainy: http://tinyurl.com/kj7x53c
    Stash: http://tinyurl.com/mmm3p4e


    3 members found this post helpful.

  3. #43
    Join Date
    Sep. 5, 2007
    Posts
    906

    Default

    The sooner you rip the bandaid off, the better for all involved.

    Quit cheating on the fiancé and just end it already.


    7 members found this post helpful.

  4. #44
    Join Date
    Dec. 4, 2005
    Posts
    1,246

    Default

    you know the answer, stop cheating and get on with it.


    9 members found this post helpful.

  5. #45
    Join Date
    Aug. 5, 2009
    Posts
    895

    Default

    Parklife, welcome! Sorry to have you here under difficult circumstances, but I'd have registered to pay homage to the intersecting lines of the COTH gods just as you did - something like that just can't be ignored.

    My EH and I were compatible -
    I feel like we're an old married couple who has broken through the sound barrier of any honeymoon phase and came out the other side just existing.
    - this is exactly how and why I decided to marry him; compatibility. Whoo-hoo . . . . (insert blowout party horn deflating here).

    DH and I will be together 10 years in May. Both of us have to stop and do the math in conversations because it feels like forever and only a couple of years all at the same time.

    It's not fair to your fiancee to let her continue to bounce along thinking everything is hunky dory. The part that sucks the most at the end is the person you trusted and loved let you keep thinking all was fine. She may be a incredibly good person, but she's not the right person for you. So be it.

    And, if LatheGirl is like most horsewomen, she's not going to have the patience to wait around while you dither over hurting Fiancee's feelings. Feelings are going to be destroyed - accept it and move forward. Don't add to the torture by dragging it out.

    Hoping HorsRdr477 pops on and gives us an update on her situation as well.
    "Let's face it -- Beezie Madden is NOT looking over her shoulder for me anytime
    soon . . . or ever, even in her worst nightmares."


    Member, Higher Standards Leather Care Addicts Anonymous


    6 members found this post helpful.

  6. #46
    Join Date
    Nov. 4, 2003
    Location
    Dallas, Georgia
    Posts
    16,579

    Default

    I'll post it again for the sake of our new poster, Parklife: When in doubt, don't.

    Tis better to go through life wanting what you don't have, than having what you don't want.

    I have NEVER see a marriage succeed when one or both had such serious doubts before walking down that aisle.

    The presents can be given back, you can eat the deposits that you won't get back and you will survive this. DO NOT proceed with this marriage.
    <>< Sorrow Looks Back. Worry Looks Around. Faith Looks Up! -- "When they try to tell you these are your Golden years, don't believe 'em.... It's rust."


    5 members found this post helpful.

  7. #47
    Join Date
    May. 6, 2007
    Location
    Napanee ON
    Posts
    3,938

    Default

    $17,000 for the venue?? What was the original cost going to be? Lordy lord...can not believe the money people spend on weddings.

    ANYWAYS....you know what to do. This isn't just about you. Do you think your fiance wants a loveless marriage? Doubtful.


    5 members found this post helpful.

  8. #48
    Join Date
    Oct. 22, 2001
    Posts
    5,107

    Default

    Strikes me that there's an awful lot of oh-look-shiny-thing going on here. The timeline from meeting to moving in to proposal to the now fiancee all smacks of it; as does the someone-new/hope and joy/totally into her pronouncement. Of course, I don't know you from Adam, and I'm certain there's much more nuance I'm missing here, but the facts as you have laid them out establish that you liked Ms. Fiancee enough to (a) move in with her three months after meeting her, (b) propose three months after that, and (c) go along with wedding planning and paying deposits for six months thereafter all without raising an inkling that Something Might Be Wrong. Either you liked her enough at the time for it to be heady and in love and all of that, or sir/ma'am (we're open to alternatives 'round here), you might be lacking a certain degree of spinal fortitude.

    So before you do anything, I would suggest you take yourself to a counselor and spend about three sessions trying to figure out which of the two options (or something completely different) is going on. And then. If you decide that breaking up with your fiancee is the right decision, you owe her the sit down, speak logically, be a grown-up conversation. Also, you man or woman up and take first hew at getting things canceled appropriately and notifying folks as needed. You've had time to think about it, she hasn't, give her some time.

    And after that? Suggest you don't go running off to the new gal (who, honestly, if she knows you're cheating on someone to be with her, isn't all that great a catch...and if she doesn't know, she can't really know you all too well either). And that counselor you may or may not have seen earlier? Go make another appointment. Or, you know, six.


    13 members found this post helpful.

  9. #49
    Join Date
    Mar. 24, 2004
    Location
    Pottstown, PA (East Coventry)
    Posts
    3,016

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by 2horseygirls View Post
    Hoping HorsRdr477 pops on and gives us an update on her situation as well.
    http://www.chronofhorse.com/forum/sh...rl-needs-a-dog!

    Looks like she did not get married based on this post.
    Oh, well, clearly you're not thoroughly indoctrinated to COTH yet, because finger pointing and drawing conclusions are the cornerstones of this great online community. (Tidy Rabbit)



  10. #50
    Join Date
    Jul. 11, 2004
    Posts
    6,783

    Default

    Stop the wedding and put everything on hold. Is it nerves or are you seeing a major problem? Don't rush into anything.

    I was at the church to marry the ex-Mrs.-Trakehner...there I was up at the altar happily (well, resignedly) watching the quartet in the choir loft and I missed the moment when she walked in the church by a second or two. When she arrived at the altar she was pissed. "You didn't see me enter the church!" she bitched. She was actually having a fight at the wedding at the altar! BUT...everyone was there, family from out of town, the wedding reception planned etc. etc. etc. So, instead of walking out and declaring, "This is crazy, she's fighting, I apologize" I went through with it. 3 years later I left her nastiness and abuse. What a waste.

    Don't go through with anything you are not sure of.
    "Sic Gorgiamus Allos Subjectatos Nunc"


    7 members found this post helpful.

  11. #51
    Join Date
    Sep. 24, 2004
    Location
    Piedmont Triad, North Carolina
    Posts
    2,186

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Trakehner View Post
    Stop the wedding and put everything on hold. Is it nerves or are you seeing a major problem? Don't rush into anything.

    I was at the church to marry the ex-Mrs.-Trakehner...there I was up at the altar happily (well, resignedly) watching the quartet in the choir loft and I missed the moment when she walked in the church by a second or two. When she arrived at the altar she was pissed. "You didn't see me enter the church!" she bitched. She was actually having a fight at the wedding at the altar! BUT...everyone was there, family from out of town, the wedding reception planned etc. etc. etc. So, instead of walking out and declaring, "This is crazy, she's fighting, I apologize" I went through with it. 3 years later I left her nastiness and abuse. What a waste.

    Don't go through with anything you are not sure of.
    Whew ...!! I thought I was the only one with an ex fiancée .. I got an inkling of the future when she adamantly insisted on going to the jeweler to p/u the sized engagement ring before going to the restaurant for dinner. (I had the ring in my pocket all through the argument)

    Don't go through with anything you are not sure of


    5 members found this post helpful.

  12. #52
    Join Date
    Sep. 2, 2008
    Location
    Greeley, Colorado
    Posts
    3,773

    Default

    Maybe I'm not qualified to speak on the subject since I'm not yet married but I do have some thoughts on the subject.

    A marriage is not something to get into if there are any hesitations or second thoughts. Nerves are one thing, doubt is a whole different animal. I also feel that the pressure to have "the wedding" is enormous. People feel the pressure to have the huge, flashy, expensive wedding to prove to other people that their marriage is real. I see it as a front. I have had several close friends/family get married in the past year or 2 and the pressure put upon them by others is just enormous. They're almost forced into something they don't want.

    My SO and had the opportunity to become engaged about 3 years ago. We had only been together for a few months at the time and a series of tragic events left us feeling pressured to take our relationship to the next level. We decided to hold off and it proved to be the best decision we've made. We worked through our problems and now, nearing our 4yr anniversary, we're ready to finally make that decision.
    **Friend of bar.ka**

    Fils Du Reverdy (Revy)- 1993 Selle Francais Gelding
    My equine soulmate


    3 members found this post helpful.

  13. #53
    Join Date
    Aug. 28, 2012
    Location
    Kansas
    Posts
    642

    Default

    1. You are a very talented writer.
    2. If I were in your situation, what would you advise me to do?
    3. Weekly sessions with a therapist.
    4. Losing the deposit money is much cheaper than a divorce.
    5. No one deserves to be second-best.
    6. Our failures are more valuable to our emotional and spiritual growth than our successes, to paraphrase the Dalai Lama.
    7. Change, growth, and rebirth never come without pain.

    Thank you for having the courage to come here to share your truth.
    Best,
    Amber
    PA Hi-Ly Visible [PA Hi-Noon (by Magnum Psyche) x Takara Padrona (by *Padron)], 2005 Arabian gelding

    Proud member of the Snort and Blow Clique.


    5 members found this post helpful.

  14. #54
    Join Date
    Sep. 9, 2013
    Posts
    36

    Default

    We're a little different in age and circumstance, but I have a somewhat similar tale - I was with someone for two years (not engaged, but a committed relationship). It started out as a great friendship, grew into love, and then into restlessness on both of our parts.

    After ignoring some of the signs that things were going south, we continued trudging along. Then one day, the shiny new thing came along. I had always thought of myself as a serial committer and not much one for adventures like that, but I was so drawn to him and the idea of it all. To make a very long story very short, I left the original relationship for the shiny new thing. It was blissful, at first.

    Soon, once all the lust and infatuation wore off, it was clear to me that shiny new thing wasn't really great relationship material. He was incredibly attractive and fireworks went off in my head when we were together, but Mr. Right he wasn't. In the end, it got messy, I got hurt, so I took some time for myself.

    I grew up and figured out what I truly wanted in life and as it turns out, the guy from the original relationship and I are together again, our relationship as strong as it could ever be. I can truly say that I love him dearly and want to spend the rest of my life with him, no questions asked.

    It's sucky that you've got a wedding looming over your head. I think you need to end your current relationship and try things out with shiny new thing, because if you don't, you'll live in constant disappointment, wondering what could have been. I took the chance and found out what was, and it wasn't very good. I consider myself very lucky that original guy and I were able to find each other again, when we were both at better places in our lives. Maybe that can happen for you. Maybe not, but again, don't spend your life wondering what could have been. It will kill you.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  15. #55
    Join Date
    Oct. 23, 2013
    Location
    King George, Va
    Posts
    265

    Default

    I KNEW there was something wrong before I got married, but I let others talk me back into the relationship. He was the "perfect" guy, turns out I was right, he is an abusive horrible person, it started 2 months after the wedding. I wish I had followed my instincts. Good luck, and if possible be kind and realize that this is new to him even though you have already decided.


    3 members found this post helpful.

  16. #56
    Join Date
    Jun. 24, 2006
    Posts
    1,911

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    I think you love fiancée, but you're not in love with her. You're in love with this other person, or at least you think you are.

    At the least, you need to postpone. Have some therapy, because it does sound like you jump in with both feet.

    The grass is greener thing, well, think of Horse Person as a bright shiny new car. It's beautiful, it drives great, it's the best thing ever. You know what? It still gets mud on it, you still drop coffee on it, it still gets more miles. It will still become a regular car. That's when you know if you love something, when the shiny newness wears off and you still love it.

    I don't think you can assess that at this time. Does Horse Person know how you feel about them?


    1 members found this post helpful.

  17. #57
    Join Date
    Oct. 31, 2007
    Location
    Valencia, CA
    Posts
    656

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by SonnysMom View Post
    http://www.chronofhorse.com/forum/sh...rl-needs-a-dog!

    Looks like she did not get married based on this post.
    I'm here! Wow! I was surprised to see this on the off topic forum again! Things are great with me! Yes, I did leave my fiancé shortly after my OP in the forum, and while it has been rough being on my own, it has been great. I started nursing school and will graduate with my RN in December and am dating here and there. Sometimes I get sad about being alone and I miss my ex every now and then, but in the long-run we would never have been happy. For this, I am grateful to have let go of that 7 year relationship.

    Parklife, I know how it feels to dread getting married. I was very much in love with my fiance for a long time, but when you are done, you just know it. Save both yourselves the heartache and just end it. You have to love yourself first, or you'll never be happy with anyone. Good luck with your situation!


    11 members found this post helpful.

  18. #58
    Join Date
    Oct. 31, 2007
    Location
    Valencia, CA
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    656

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    And yes, I did get a dog!


    7 members found this post helpful.

  19. #59
    Join Date
    Jun. 24, 2005
    Location
    Alabama
    Posts
    8,233

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    Almost everyone I know who had doubts about the wedding, excused them as 'cold feet', and married anyway, either ended up divorced or miserable, married to someone they wish they had never met.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White


    5 members found this post helpful.

  20. #60
    Join Date
    Feb. 19, 2004
    Location
    New Hampshire
    Posts
    2,389

    Default

    I haven't read all the posts. If you have any doubt in your mind, DON'T DO IT.
    Missouri Fox Trotters-To ride one is to own one

    Standardbreds, so much more then a harness racing horse.


    1 members found this post helpful.

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