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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Oct. 31, 2007
    Location
    Valencia, CA
    Posts
    656

    Default I think I want to leave my fiance...

    So we've been together almost 7 years. We just got engaged back in August, but I was kind of unhappy before that. What the hell is wrong with me? I guess we're just different people and now that we are set to get married I'm coming to the conclusion that this relationship is just not right. Why is it so hard to just break up and leave? I'm not really sure what advice I am asking for here since I already know the answer. I guess I just needed to write a little vent. Anyone else ever been in this situation?


    2 members found this post helpful.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Mar. 30, 2007
    Location
    Hollowed out volcano in the South Pacific.
    Posts
    11,125

    Default

    It's hard because you more or less have committed to go through the process of getting married and because you have invested so much of your time and energy into the relationship. If you truly feel the relationship isn't right, then walk away or figure out if you can do anything to fix what isn't right in the relationship. It's that simple once you get past the emotional fluff.
    Thus do we growl that our big toes have,
    at this moment, been thrown up from below!


    2 members found this post helpful.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Feb. 18, 2008
    Posts
    732

    Default

    Thank your lucky stars you figured this out now instead of in the marraige!


    23 members found this post helpful.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Oct. 31, 2007
    Location
    Valencia, CA
    Posts
    656

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by shalomypony View Post
    Thank your lucky stars you figured this out now instead of in the marraige!
    That's what I have been thinking. It's almost like planning a wedding has made me realize how wrong he is for me


    6 members found this post helpful.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Aug. 3, 2009
    Location
    Central Indiana
    Posts
    259

    Default

    Sorry to hear this, but I think it's much better and easier to call off a wedding than get a divorce.


    ((((((HUGS))))))
    Life-long horse lover, dreaming of the day when I have one of my very own.


    10 members found this post helpful.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jun. 15, 2002
    Posts
    5,926

    Default

    I have been with my BF for almost 7 years now too. We grew and changed in the 7 years, but stayed together through some tough times. We talk occasionally to make sure the other is happy and we are not just staying together because we are scared to be apart.

    The thought of leaving him does scare me because its all I have known for so long, but in truth I can't imagine my life without him. We are best friends and I trust him more than I trust anyone else well besides my mom. I can't see my life without him.

    That being said if he told me he wasn't happy while it would hurt me I would let him go. He may come back or not, but if your partner isn't happy than it won't be a good relationship.

    If you are not happy, don't stay. Tell him the truth and move on. Its better to decided that now than once married.

    My BF and I plan to marry at some point, but right now we are fine the way we are. I watched my parents go through a divorce as did he. His dad goes though wives like they are underwear. We both want to only marry once and are in no rush to make it official. We are still young and things change. We have been living together for almost a year and its been great!

    I hopefully will be getting into vet school and moving out of the country for 28 months. That will definitely by hard on our relationship, but I think we can make it through!

    Follow your heart, don't stay because you are scared to be alone. Do what you need to do to be happy.

    Good Luck!


    2 members found this post helpful.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Aug. 2, 2004
    Location
    Whidbey Is, Wash.
    Posts
    9,625

    Default

    If you are having doubts, don't bury those feelings.

    May I suggest some pre-marital counseling?

    ETA: I got a sinking NQR feeling after I was engaged to my ex. He did something that was questionable, not cheat or anything, just said something that made me go "whoa..." Then I started looking around and thinking about how I was, sort of, settling. If that makes sense. And I started fantasizing about life w/o him after about 1.5 years into the marriage, divorced a few months after our 3rd anniversary.
    Aisha, my heart from 03/06/1986 to 08/22/2008.

    COTH's official mini-donk enabler.
    Odie, aka the Evil Burrito, is on Facebook.


    5 members found this post helpful.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Aug. 8, 2007
    Location
    North Carolina
    Posts
    1,230

    Default

    Please, please do not get married yet. It is easier (legally and emotionally) to break off an engagement than to get a divorce. Seek counseling. It seems you are wondering why you dont want to marry him, so please get a professional's opinion.

    In seven years, people change, it doesnt make either of you a bad person. Just because he is nice and hasnt done anything wrong, doesnt mean you are obligated to marry him. He will of course always say "I didnt do anything wrong", but some men just dont understand that there is more to a relationship than not doing something wrong.

    If you do decide to marry him, do you see yourself being happy/satisfied with your relationship in 20 years? People stay together because things are 'fine', but dont you deserve better than fine? and in 20 years, will fine be enough?



  9. #9
    Join Date
    Oct. 31, 2007
    Location
    Valencia, CA
    Posts
    656

    Default

    Thanks for the advice so far. While I have thought of counseling, I'm just not that interested. I'm just done. I think this relationship is beyond repair. Oh well.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Jun. 22, 2008
    Location
    Outside Ocala FL - Horse Capital of the World
    Posts
    6,190

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by SarahKing View Post
    Sorry to hear this, but I think it's much better and easier to call off a wedding than get a divorce.
    Better advice has never been given, ask me how I know. Two divorces from men that I should have never walked down the aisle with, that's how.

    As hard as it is, if you know in your heart that this is not the man for you, not the man you want to grow old with, then break up now.
    There are friends and faces that may be forgotten, but there are horses that never will be. - Andy Adams


    2 members found this post helpful.

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Jun. 16, 2007
    Location
    Somewhere Under the Radar
    Posts
    462

    Default

    Go read my thread "can a horse make up for a bad marriage?" Then pound your head on a table. Then read the thread again. Then pound your head on a table. Rinse and repeat.

    Good luck.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  12. #12
    Join Date
    Dec. 30, 2009
    Location
    The Great Plains of Canada
    Posts
    3,062

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by HorsRdr477 View Post
    So we've been together almost 7 years. We just got engaged back in August, but I was kind of unhappy before that. What the hell is wrong with me? I guess we're just different people and now that we are set to get married I'm coming to the conclusion that this relationship is just not right. Why is it so hard to just break up and leave? I'm not really sure what advice I am asking for here since I already know the answer. I guess I just needed to write a little vent. Anyone else ever been in this situation?
    Not to sound like a broken record here, but have you read The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman? Short read that is well worth it. NYT bestseller written by a marriage counselor.

    Nothing is wrong with you BUT, there might be more to it than you realise. ETA: happiness does not "just happen" and neither does love. So if one party is unhappy, it might not necessarily be an accurate reflection of the other person not being the right fit, though it is a reflection of the relationship (if that makes sense!).

    It's hard to just break up and leave because it's easy to stay with that which we are already comfortable, even if unhappy. If breaking up is the right decision, you won't regret it (though it will be difficult at first). But maybe take a thorough look first before coming to that conclusion. ETA: you say you're not interested in counseling, but I would highly recommend it, if only to fully understand - correctly - why you are unhappy in the relationship you are in, and whether or not it is worth the effort to fix it (even if you currently think it is beyond repair - perhaps you are considering it from the "wrong" perspective). It will either only seal your decision or it will help you avoid making a mistake that you are likely to make again down the road.

    7 years is awhile and nothing to sneeze at - you are together that long and are engaged for a reason. Yes, people change, but that does not necessarily mean they are no longer compatible. Anyways, I'd just consider fully evaluating the relationship with the aid of a counselor, who might offer you valuable insight.
    ....horses should be trained in such a way that they not only love their riders, but look forward to the time they are with them.
    ~ Xenophon, 350 B.C.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  13. #13
    Join Date
    Dec. 5, 2004
    Location
    Lexington, KY
    Posts
    1,234

    Default

    Sounds like your mind is made up and the proposal is probably just what you needed to leave the comfort zone. The sooner you leave the better! Poor fiance though, but better now than divorcing.



  14. #14
    Join Date
    Sep. 29, 2009
    Posts
    2,576

    Default

    Better to know now, than after the ceremony.

    Make a fresh start for spring.

    Git er dun.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  15. #15
    Join Date
    Jun. 24, 2005
    Location
    Alabama
    Posts
    8,190

    Default

    Never marry someone you have doubts about. Everyone I know who married and thought they just had the usual doubts, or a case of cold feet are now divorced, and can't believe they got married in the first place. Someday you might get back together, but the way it stands now you wouldn't be doing the right thing for you or your fiance. Just because you have a history together doesn't make a poor relationship worth carrying on.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White



  16. #16
    Join Date
    Jan. 31, 2010
    Location
    Earth
    Posts
    2,352

    Default

    I broke off my engagement (was with the guy for 6.5 yrs) 5 mos before the wedding. I am very glad I did. We were NOT right for each other, and I had known that for YEARS. It's never too late, but it can get harder to walk away. It's hard returning engagement and wedding shower gifts but it is so much easier to do that than to get a divorce. I had the dress and most everything else either reserved or planned. It was hard. But please do not go through with a wedding if you are unsure of it at this level - we all have some reservations/fears - but the level of fear you are expressing is not in range of "normal" for getting married.
    Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
    W. C. Fields


    1 members found this post helpful.

  17. #17
    Join Date
    Mar. 12, 2006
    Posts
    2,091

    Default

    I can totally understand your "I just don't care" attitude. You are no longer invested into the relationship, let yourself go. The sooner, the better. Once you're on your own you will be happier. Well, at least that's the way it worked for me.
    "All top hat and no canter". *Graureiter*



  18. #18
    Join Date
    Sep. 9, 2007
    Location
    Charleston, SC
    Posts
    2,121

    Default

    It is much better to find out now that you are not compatible instead of being finding it out after being married. It is far easier to just take the financial hit from wedding plans than pay for a divorce.
    OTTB - Hurricane Denton - Kane AKA Bubble boy
    Boxer - Tugger's - outlasted my marriage



  19. #19
    Join Date
    Dec. 4, 2006
    Location
    New York
    Posts
    1,129

    Default

    Try to distinguish between the fear of GETTING married to the fear of BEING married.

    I think I got cold feet at one time because I was scared of the wedding. On the one hand, I have regrets. On the other... I think I was too young anyway.

    But if you're incompatible, and there are deep, long-term differences, yeah. Better now than later.



  20. #20
    Join Date
    Nov. 11, 2002
    Location
    The Cliffs of Insanity
    Posts
    3,992

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by naturalequus View Post
    Not to sound like a broken record here, but have you read The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman? Short read that is well worth it. NYT bestseller written by a marriage counselor.

    This is a good book!


    \"For all those men who say, \"Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free,\" here\'s an update for you: Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it\'s not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.\"-



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