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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Mar. 9, 2011
    Posts
    7

    Default Is it time to give up/grow up?

    I just need some support or good thoughts (either way, really and truly I am not looking for enabling!) on what to do with my life!!
    I have been riding since I was 10-I'm now entering the dreaded child-bearing red zone. I'm in my early 30's and I still am not 100% committed to the idea of having kids. (hubby really wants kids) I like kids a lot just not sure about having them around 24/7 for the next 18 years.

    DH and I have good jobs but not GREAT jobs. Together we have a decent amount of savings and make a nice living which is probably really nice by most "normal" standards but with house payment, student loan payments, car payments, etc we do not have enough left over to take on regular horse expenses. (we could pay board & horsie expenses and live paycheck to paycheck but that will not fly with DH)

    I am a very capable rider, and although I've never owned my own horse I have been fortunate that throughout my life I've had people gracious enough to let me ride their horses, lease, show, etc, many times for free. But the horse always gets sold which is the situation I am currently in.

    Growing up it was always my dream that one day I'd have enough money to buy my own horse and I feel like that day is never going to come. I know that there is always going to be "something" and horses are a low financial priority to my husband.

    I sort of feel like I should just suck it up, give up riding for now and do the mommy thing for a few years. While I am thankful for the many chances I've had to ride other people's horses, and it's gratifying to see the horse successfully sold or trained to a new level, it is so frustrating to never have something that is mine, that I actually get to accomplish my goals with! And though I'm considering quitting, I can't bear to give up being involved with horses.

    Sorry this has turned into a diatribe, but I mainly just needed to vent. If anyone else has been in this situation or has advice I would be happy to hear it, too!



  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jan. 10, 2006
    Location
    Clemson, SC
    Posts
    867

    Default

    Does it have to be an all or nothing thing? Could you maybe look for a half lease situation? Usually those work nicely "long term" because the owner can't stand the thought of selling the horse, but needs some time/financial help. This way you aren't riding a horse someone wants to be rid of and the situation is likely to last longer. Plus, its cheaper than a full lease and if you decide to go the mommy route, there is less commitment involved than owning.

    Finding the right situation might take some time, but seems like a better alternative than just giving up horses.
    A lovely horse is always an experience.... It is an emotional experience of the kind that is spoiled by words. ~Beryl Markham



  3. #3
    Join Date
    Mar. 4, 2010
    Posts
    1,646

    Default Some perspective from 20-some years down the road

    I've had horses all my life. When I was 35 I discovered that I was pregnant with twins. Once they were born I just couldn't handle work, horse, kids, and my husband in graduate school. The horse had to go. For the next 21 years I was a consultant and work at home mom. I kept riding during that time - would go trail riding with friends, took some dressage lessons, became a merit badge counselor in horsemanship for Boy Scouts, took my "girl posse" on several horse trips. I kept my hand in but didn't own a horse. Fast forward to 2 years ago and I found an Arab gelding on CraigsList. You can read through my past posts and see our adventures since then.

    The point to all this rambling: I am so very glad that I had horses when I did. I am so very glad that I had my sons and that I was able to be around for their childhood and teen years. I had a great time with them and don't regret being without a horse for a minute. I am thrilled that I still have good health and that my riding skills seem to be intact and that I have an activity in my middle age (ha ha!) that I love.

    Without getting too deep - life is full of changes and surprises. If you want horses in your life, you will find a way to do it. If you want children, you may or may not have to sacrifice your time with horses - I only did because having two at once isn't the norm at all! There are many ways you can keep riding and have kids. If your husband is supportive (and not in grad school ) you can find time to ride. You can ride for a rescue, a farm, etc. You can save up for a horse and get one when the kids go to school or hit their teen years.

    I love kids and I love horses. They are not mutually exclusive, as many on here can tell you. The dream will not die when you have kids! It will just give you something to look forward to and to work towards.

    Good luck!



  4. #4
    Join Date
    Feb. 22, 2007
    Posts
    3,928

    Default

    I agree it doesn't seem like it has to be an all or nothing thing, but it sounds from your post like you're really feeling pressured into having kids (or maybe I'm just reading too much into it ). If you don't want to have them but pressure from your husband or family is making you feel like you should, I think you should try marriage counseling or something like that to get on the same page. You should have kids if you want to, not because you feel like you have to.

    Have you and your husband discussed the price of children? If he's so worried about living paycheck to paycheck he might want to check into that. At least where I live, having one child is a lot more expensive than one horse!

    I'm not trying to advise you either way as this is such a personal thing. Those were just my thoughts as I was reading your post. I'll admit, too, I'm a young woman who doesn't want kids and gets pressured about it fairly often by my partner who used to not want kids either so I might be a little biased. Whatever you decide, though, I wish you much happiness.



  5. #5
    Join Date
    Nov. 30, 2006
    Location
    Gastonia, NC
    Posts
    275

    Default

    I also agree with CosMonster. Don't have kids unless YOU really want them. Horses can be sold, leased out etc. Kids are not for 18 years they are for LIFE.

    PS the average age of kids moving out of their parents home is 27. And the average age of them moving back in (due to this economy) is 33



  6. #6
    Join Date
    Apr. 28, 2006
    Posts
    1,621

    Default

    I agree with the person who suggested marriage counseling! Kids are expensive, all consuming, and require parents who are fully commited to them long term....



  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jun. 20, 2009
    Location
    Hunterdon County NJ
    Posts
    2,773

    Default

    So I've never been in your situation, in so far as I am not married, do not want kids, and have virtually no qualms about my decision to prioritize riding over everything else.

    What I can tell you is that horse ownership is very over rated !!

    Horses are expensive.
    They get sick.
    They go lame.
    They don't live up to your performance expectations.
    They do highlight your weaknesses as a rider, a leader, and a financial planner.

    In your position, you could think of yourself like a school teacher. You get the horse in your 'class' for a period of time, then they move on.

    You could 'have' a child, or a horse, that hates you, is mentally ill, physically ill, etc. Either way, there are no guarantees that either a child or a horse will 'live up to your dreams.'

    And honestly, if you won't be financially comfortable owning a horse how could you be financially comfortable having a kid ? They are ATLEAST as expensive in this day and age... Unless you have free childcare you can leave the kid with and go back to work ASAP, you are likely going to lose income when you have the kid. At least buying a horse won't mean you'll be losing time from work !!

    And honestly, an unwanted horse is easier to get rid of. People frown on euthanizing unwanted children



  8. #8
    Join Date
    Jan. 29, 2003
    Location
    Canada
    Posts
    1,996

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by oldernewbie View Post
    If your husband is supportive (and not in grad school ) you can find time to ride. You can ride for a rescue, a farm, etc. You can save up for a horse and get one when the kids go to school or hit their teen years.

    I love kids and I love horses. They are not mutually exclusive, as many on here can tell you. The dream will not die when you have kids! It will just give you something to look forward to and to work towards.

    Good luck!
    Great advice.

    First thing you need to do is have a sit down with hubby & discuss the horse + kids thing b/c as Cosmonster has already alluded to; you will need a supportive SO to do both.

    I grew up on a horse farm, rode all of my life, taught & rode professionally for a while in my early 20's & have owned about 15 or so horses. I was as committed as they come. I had my first baby in 2009, then another in 2010 & am due yet again this year. Yes, that's right, a baby a year for 3 years

    I've shown for the past two years, rode 5 times a week, & also do barn chores & teach occasionally.

    Having children does not suddenly mean you become a mom & can do nothing else. I managed my time, planned riding during nap times & made sure I took up the offers for babysitting from the in-laws.

    My situation is somewhat unique however in that the farm is "Nana's" house so I just drop the kiddies off with Grandpa & away I go.

    My husband married me when I was doing the horse thing full time so there are no complaints in that corner. He knew what he was getting into & bless his heart, he has NEVER said boo about the horses. However, b/c of the way I plan things...he rarely has to be alone with the babies anyway.

    I will say this however - if the barn was not a family business & I had to work all day & then spend 2 hours at the barn 5 nights a week...I wouldn't be doing it. I wouldn't want to be away from my children so frequently.
    \"Don\'t go throwing effort after foolishness\" >>>Spur, Man From Snowy River



  9. #9
    Join Date
    Apr. 12, 2010
    Posts
    239

    Default

    I've got a really, really good friend who was in your position with the whole kid thing. It was tick-tock goes the biological clock, do it now or you might not ever be a mom. Hubby wanted a baby too. She decided to go ahead and do it. Now she is the mother of a beautiful little girl and she is battling some pretty severe depression because she's not happy in her new role as a mom.

    I'm not saying you shouldn't do it, but if you are on the fence about it do some deep soul-searching before you commit either way. I wouldn't wish the heartbreak my friend (and her family) is going through on my worst enemy. She will pull through, she loves her daughter and her husband and is a wonderful person at heart, but they are travelling a pretty rocky road right now as she tries to fit herself into her new role in life.

    As for the horse, no need to give up that dream. The right opportunity will come along.



  10. #10
    Join Date
    Jan. 3, 2003
    Location
    St. Louis, MO USA
    Posts
    920

    Default

    I had always been on the fence about having kids. I really could have gone either way. Mr. Hasahorse, however, has always been adamantly against them. Didn't want them, doesn't like them, no way no how. I gave us until age 40 to change our minds. We are childless and very happy about it. I get to mother my dogs and my horse, and for the most part, I have no regrets.
    Essentially, what I am say is that parenting is a team sport. You have to both be on the same team to make it work. You absolutely should not have a child just because someone else wants you to or because you think you have to.
    You both need to sit down and talk about the realities of kids and what that will do to your lifestyle.
    My new mantra - \"Life is too short not to eat ice cream.\"
    ReRiders Clique


    1 members found this post helpful.

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Jun. 20, 2000
    Location
    Full time in Delhi, NY!
    Posts
    6,392

    Default

    Please be very sure you want a child. Ask yourself honestly why you don't want children. It could be what said in your OP, it is a 24/7 job and that little person will look to you for everything and you must be their everything for quite a while. It could be something deeper than that, fear, lack of faith that your marriage will last and you'll be left a single mom. You owe it to yourself and your husband to understand that completely, especially if you do decide to go ahead and have a child.

    Nowadays, no one can afford to 'just get pregnant'. Kids are expensive and financial sacrifices will have to be made. Your husband maybe willing to do that for a kid, but not a horse. Since he's not a rider, that's understandable.

    Whatever you decide, it has to be a joint decision. Good luck.

    BTW I didn't forget about the horse issue, I just feel it's masking your dilemma of 'kid' or 'no kid'. Horses come and go. Kids are forever.
    ~Kryswyn~ Always look on the bright side of life, de doo, de doo de doo de doo
    Check out my Kryswyn JRTs on Facebook

    "Life is merrier with a terrier!"


    1 members found this post helpful.

  12. #12
    Join Date
    Jul. 19, 2007
    Location
    Michigan
    Posts
    10,057

    Default

    Remember, you can always sell a horse if it doesn't work out. In normal circumstances, you're stuck with the kid no matter what it's like. And it's NEVER a good situation when one spouse is guilting the other on the subject.



  13. #13
    Join Date
    Oct. 21, 2003
    Posts
    8,659

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by EG2009 View Post
    I'm in my early 30's and I still am not 100% committed to the idea of having kids. (hubby really wants kids)
    What a nightmare. I am so confused as to why on earth anyone in this day and age would put themselves in this position?

    I have left more than one man I thought was the "love of my life" because of this. It was the #1 issue with me before I ever got married.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  14. #14
    Join Date
    Apr. 2, 2009
    Location
    North Carolina
    Posts
    4,888

    Default

    I am glad I am not the only one confused -- if you can't afford a horse, how on earth could you afford kids??

    As a non-breeder, I say buy a horse, forget the spawning. However, that is an individual choice.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  15. #15
    Join Date
    Mar. 3, 2010
    Location
    Georgia
    Posts
    1,523

    Default

    I've met with a good amount of pressure to have kids. Thankfully none of it from my SO. I can't imagine having a child without being 100% certain it was what I wanted. I hate to be really bleak about it all, but you have to be ready for that child to depend on you for life should something be wrong with it physically or mentally. I can't conceive of a time in my life when that possibility would settle well with me. I learned to give a brief and guilt free "no" when the pressure starts.
    "Rock n' roll's not through, yeah, I'm sewing wings on this thing." --Destroyer
    http://dressagescriblog.wordpress.com/



  16. #16
    Join Date
    Feb. 3, 2011
    Posts
    372

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Perfect Pony View Post
    What a nightmare. I am so confused as to why on earth anyone in this day and age would put themselves in this position?

    I have left more than one man I thought was the "love of my life" because of this. It was the #1 issue with me before I ever got married.
    I can't speak for the OP, but I can speak for myself and say that maybe they didn't put themselves willingly in the situation...maybe she changed her mind. This may not be the case with them, but it is for me. When my hubby and I got married, we both planned on kids eventually. Now, 8 years down the road, I have really started to waver on that. OP, I can completely sympathize. I am VERY comfortable with our life the way it is. We have six dogs, two cats, and two horses, and our animals are very fulfilling as our 'kids'. Sometimes my hubby agrees, other times he still mentions having kids. I am turning 28 this year, so I know we have a few years left to figure it out, but it IS extremely overwhelming.

    I wish you the best of luck in figuring it out. As many other posters mentioned, do a lot of deep soul-searching on whether you want kids or not. That's exactly the path I'm taking. It is not something I will make a half-hearted decision about. The horses are a lot easier to come by and rehome if necessary - it doesn't work that way with humans.



  17. #17
    Join Date
    Feb. 23, 2005
    Location
    Spotsylvania, VA
    Posts
    12,231

    Default

    FWIW I was able to do both, have kids and horses, but I wanted kids and while we didn't have student loans sometimes our finances were a bit tight.
    Smurf
    Penmerryl's Sophie RIDSH
    "I ain't as good as I once was but I'm as good once as I ever was"
    The ignore list is my friend. It takes 2 to argue.



  18. #18
    Join Date
    Oct. 10, 2006
    Location
    Gotham City
    Posts
    1,163

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    Quote Originally Posted by Luckydonkey View Post
    I agree with the person who suggested marriage counseling! Kids are expensive, all consuming, and require parents who are fully commited to them long term....
    AGREED. You can't just "do the mommy thing for a couple of years" — being a mommy is FOREVER.
    "Go on, Bill — this is no place for a pony."



  19. #19
    Join Date
    Oct. 21, 2003
    Posts
    8,659

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    Quote Originally Posted by babyeventer23 View Post
    I am turning 28 this year
    27 and 8 years into marriage? Yep, you sure do change your mind, that's why I waited until I was 35 to get married.



  20. #20
    Join Date
    Feb. 3, 2011
    Posts
    372

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Perfect Pony View Post
    27 and 8 years into marriage? Yep, you sure do change your mind, that's why I waited until I was 35 to get married.
    You mean it's not because of your winning personality?

    Only kidding. Throw stones if you like - I have a wonderful marriage, and although he wants kids, he values our marriage as the priority and supports my decision and the fact that it has changed. It's funny, most people are highly complimentary that in this day and age, we could make a relationship work even though we were married at 19 and 21.



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