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  1. #1
    hAlterEgoRider Guest

    Default Quick Vent-Parent's Marriage

    I've been wanting to vent about this on here for ages, but I feel so guilty because I have so many other great things about my life. But here it goes...

    I don't know even where to begin except that I'm 16, and my parent's relationship makes me so sad sometimes. I have no idea why I feel like venting in a public forum like this, but I very, very rarely talk about it even with my closest friends.

    I know other people's situations are way worse, but it makes me sad to see my parents act more like two people living in the same house than husband and wife. It's a rare occurance if they even hug each other, and while they aren't fighting constantly, it's pretty frequent. Luckily, it's mostly mild bickering, but like clockwork, they have huge, screaming matches every few months. It almost never gets physical, but there have been 2-3 times in my life where it has. It was terrifying. (Once my mom punching my dad hard in the arm than leaving where we were and walking 2-3 miles home, another time my dad shoving my mom resulting in her losing her balance and falling down quite hard).

    I love my parents so much, and I live a really great life with a lot of opportunities including two really nice horses. Both my parents have a lot of great qualities, but their relationship just gets me down sometimes. It makes me sad when I see either of them hurt or upset with each other. Today, after an argument over my dad buying Valentine's Day chocolate for everyone (long story), I just had to vent.

    I just hope if I get married one day it's not like this.



  2. #2
    Join Date
    Dec. 1, 1999
    Location
    flyover country
    Posts
    2,196

    Default One of the reasons I never married was parents like this

    They stayed together, probably better for the kids, and my mom, and ultimately for my dad too. No one would have loved him more than my mom, but it left me with very bad memories. My dad passed away about 5 years ago, and I still haven't cried. I did love him but he was a jerk.
    Sorry, didn't mean to hijack.
    Best thing you can do is try to be invisible when they are fighting, and tell them both how much you love them [assuming you do], when you can. Divorce is very expensive, and wrenching, some on here have said I believe, that daddy sold their horses out from under their noses just for spite.
    Good luck
    Another killer of threads



  3. #3
    Join Date
    Aug. 8, 2001
    Location
    up the hill from the little river (that floods alarmingly often)
    Posts
    3,613

    Default

    Oh OP. Hugs to you. How depressing it must be to be around that all the time.

    Not all marriages are like your parents' marriage. Many are better (much better), and some are worse.

    Do you have the sort of relationship with either of them that would allow you to talk about the things you see every day? They may not realize how bad things have gotten, and how much you notice it, especially if they've been in the habit of snarking at each other for a while now. Having you point out how frequent and nasty the fighting is may be a wake-up call for them; sometimes "staying together for the kids" isn't in anyone's best interests.

    I'm afraid I don't have much advice for you; my parents didn't fight too much and rarely in front of my brother and me. But don't ever feel that because your parents don't have a great relationship that you can't/won't either.

    Otherwise, is there a trusted adult you can talk to if you need to? A counselor at school, perhaps? Sometimes it's helpful to talk to someone about things even when you know it won't change anything. And if you ever do feel like an argument between your parents is getting out of control, don't hesitate to call 911. Your safety is a priority.

    Good luck to you, OP.
    Full-time bargain hunter.



  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jun. 24, 2005
    Location
    Alabama
    Posts
    9,274

    Default

    I've learned over the years that you can't tell about the longevity or the true dynamics of a relationship unless you are one of the people in the relationship. I've seen some truly volatile relationships that lasted forever, and quiet, seemingly good relationships explode and end. I hate that you have to watch your parents behave badly, and see a relationship that seems very bad, but you don't have to repeat their mistakes or behavior. Some people become completely different from their parents because they learned from them how not to behave, and you do have that chance in your life. I agree with Onelanerode and hope you find someone you can talk to, and I hope that you can find your way past this.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White



  5. #5
    Join Date
    Sep. 11, 2008
    Location
    Snohomish, WA
    Posts
    4,275

    Default

    I'll throw this out - is alcohol involved in either of these relationships??
    Alcohol accounts for a lot of nastiness.
    Either way - lobby for counseling and don't be afraid to call 911 if you feel threatened - could be the wake up call they need.



  6. #6
    Join Date
    Mar. 8, 2004
    Location
    Baltimore, MD
    Posts
    20,388

    Default

    I vividly remember walking home for kindergarten and telling my friend that I wished my parent's would get divorced. They had a horrible marriage and were very abusive to each other and to me. Thankfully they finally got divorced my senior year of high school and things dramatically improved. My mom hit the second husband lottery and he makes up for all we went through for all those years.
    I will tell you one thing, it made a hell of an impression on what I did not want in a mate. Both my brother and I have extremely happy marriages. I have to believe that has something to do with what we went through.
    Protect yourself. If that means calling 911 so be it. I remember calling the cops back when you had to dial 0 and ask the operator to call the cops. I was 7. You do what you have to do. Be strong.



  7. #7
    hAlterEgoRider Guest

    Default

    Thank you so much for the advice and support.

    No, although it may seem surprising, alcohol is never involved. My parents hardly ever drink except for a glass of wine once in awhile.

    It's miserable sometimes, but I realized that individually with my sister and I (especially my mom) things are totally normal. Luckily, they actually can be quite normal, happy, and civilized together as well. It goes in cycles. My dad has had a high stress job for many years now, and I really think that could be a huge part of it.

    It's a delicate balance talking with them about it (which I have a few times). My mom either gets mad at my dad then blames him, or my dad blames my mom, or my dad gets really emotional and starts crying. They both blame each other for everything so it's frustrating and confusing. My dad says my mom nags too much, doesn't live in the real world, etc. and my mom says my dad is stubborn, selfish, overemotional, etc.

    It's been a few years since things got on the verge of getting out of hand, but I will keep everyone's words in mind.

    Again, thank you. It's good just to have someone else listen.



  8. #8
    Join Date
    Dec. 12, 2004
    Location
    Massachusetts
    Posts
    7,122

    Default

    I'm sorry you have to deal with this. I'm glad that my parents divorced early on in my life, and on friendly terms. (Always friends, made a go at being married, just didn't work. Never any custody arguments, etc.)

    Something to keep in mind for the future. What you're experiencing right now is going to subconciously make an impression in regards to what you look for in a future mate. It's been well-documented, particularly in girls. Girls who see their mother being beat on somehow always are drawn to the "bad boys" who will beat on them.

    So be conscious of the fact that you have been affected. You may turn out just fine through "self policing" but if you find yourself craving chaos in a relationship (hooking up with "bad"/"troubled" boys, starting fights over nothing, etc) than make sure to get yourself some counseling. It may not be a bad idea to look into some counseling now, but only if you feel comfortable. But do know that for the future your parents relationship may come back to haunt YOUR relationships....and you just want to make sure that it doesn't do it in a negative way.



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