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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Oct. 1, 2009
    Posts
    25

    Default Eventing or Boyfriend?

    ok...say you have this boyfriend who said when you started dating that he would support your eventing no matter what. He helps at your events, you travel and do things together other than eventing. But after a couple of years, he starts to back off helping you. Five years after you starting dating, he's saying you should quit eventing, eventing is too expensive and he won't go to or show any interest in your eventing. You still do other things together but it doesn't feel the same.

    What's the problem, and what's your choice?
    eventwarrior



  2. #2
    Join Date
    Sep. 5, 1999
    Location
    Central FL
    Posts
    4,347

    Default

    You already know the answer to that question.



  3. #3
    Join Date
    Sep. 25, 2010
    Posts
    174

    Default

    Relationships are give/take. If he's worth keeping, you might consider cutting back a bit to spend more time with him, but he needs to understand that without horses in your life you won't be you anymore.

    Can a compromise be reached?



  4. #4
    Join Date
    Sep. 6, 1999
    Location
    Phoenix, AZ
    Posts
    5,223

    Default

    No one should EVER give an ultimatum like that. What a jerk!
    Even duct tape can't fix stupid



  5. #5
    Join Date
    Feb. 16, 2010
    Posts
    440

    Default

    "don't let the door hit you in the a** on the way out"
    but seriously, I agree w/ LisaB ultimatums really tick me off, you should be able to do a sport that you love.. I know of S.O's who get concerned bc they hear how dangerous the sport is..could this be part of it? If not and he really is just being a jerk.. I look big picture, chances are if this is something that has been slowly escalating it is not just going to all the sudden get better..



  6. #6
    Join Date
    Dec. 7, 2010
    Posts
    598

    Default

    Him saying he won't go to events or "show any interest" sounds like he's trying to emotionally blackmail you. And make it "eventing or me." Very immature IMO.

    If he has a legitimate complaint about money (like if you guys live together with joint finances) then sit down and negotiate. Go to 2xmonth lessons or limit the events you go to or clean stalls for reduced board. Horses ARE expensive so if he's footing the bill in all or in part, he needs to have a say.

    If he feels like he isn't seeing you enough, make appointments. No, really. Take 1 day a week and make it a no-horse day. Go to dinner or bowling or whatever his hobby is.

    My husband is not horsey at all. He showed concern about the time we were not spending together. We had a good talk and I helped him realize that he spends at least as many hours on video games as I do riding. He just felt like they were different because with the video games, he's at home. But really his mind isn't, and I shouldn't be punished because my hobby requires me to leave the house.

    I also ensure that my horse habit doesn't affect our personal finances, which means I sometimes have to work odd jobs etc. to make sure he isn't paying for my very expensive hobby.

    I hope some of this helped you see that there are grey areas. We can't know your scenario so listen to your heart and try having a good talk with him.



  7. #7
    Join Date
    Feb. 4, 2003
    Location
    Oxford, MD USA
    Posts
    1,352

    Default

    I go to events by myself - her gets to do what he wants and I get to do what I want



  8. #8
    Join Date
    Oct. 11, 2010
    Posts
    87

    Default

    Have you talked to him about it, and see if you can compromise like CZF said? If not then I'd be ending the relationship. No BF should make you chose one or the other. Does he have a hobby, like video games, etc? If he does then he has no room to complain!


    My husband and I have a similar relationship to alg0181 and her husband. I threw him into horses on the second date (just to see if he'd stick around) and he never looked back. We are now looking for a OTTB for him to train/event alongside me. He has his video games and I have my horses. I work to pay for my horses (unless its a crazy vet bill and then he helps me out) and he pays for his video games and nerdy stuff. Granted he pushes me to show (and pays for them) because he likes to show off the ribbons to people haha. But if he ever made me choose between my horses or him...It'd likely be the hardest choice of my life (although I'm leaning toward the horses but don't tell him that :-p)



  9. #9
    Join Date
    Aug. 12, 2010
    Location
    Westford, Massachusetts
    Posts
    3,192

    Default

    I don't think one necessarily needs their partner to spend a lot of time and money on their horse activities, but you DO need them to at least not be resentful of them.

    I don't need my husband to participate in my activities with me (horses included, he has little interest), we are both pretty independent and are comfortable doing our own things separately. I financially support my own horse habit, as well as make my fair share of contributions to household expenses, so it doesn't cost my husband anything. My husband does not complain about more of my income not being available for "fun stuff" that includes him, so we're fine.

    If your boyfriend is going to complain about the time you spend on horses and the expense, that doesn't bode well for marriage or a long term, serious, relationship.



  10. #10
    Join Date
    Jan. 10, 2007
    Location
    too far from the barn
    Posts
    5,402

    Default

    My DH is super supportive, but never goes to events, has not even been to the barn where I have boarded for 2 years and has only seen my horse in pics and video.

    We do some other things together (dance lessons, movies, dinner) and when I am at barn he watches many more movies, cooks gourmet food, shops, etc. Yes, he wouldn't mind if the barn took less of my time, but he totally gets how important it is to me (and isn't to him).

    It helps that our finances are totally separate, so money doesn't really enter the equation.
    OTTBs rule, but spots are good too!



  11. #11
    Join Date
    Nov. 7, 2006
    Location
    Knoxville TN
    Posts
    1,306

    Default

    I would say that's fine. Every relationship evolves, and changes. Life isn't about everything staying the same for the full 90 years, some relationships last a short time, some a long time, some are endless. They're all good, and they all have a lifespan. Yours lasted five years. Well, just look back on those five and remember the good times. One thing a relationship is not about, is stopping each others' dreams.

    My husband isn't interested in eventing, but he will show up once a year to a big show. He roughly knows the names of the ponies. That's fine. He would no more try to stop me riding, than I would try to stop him plunging down rivers in Ecuador and Uganda.

    (well, ok, maybe I'm trying to dissuade him from the Uganda trip, but you know, if he goes, he goes)



  12. #12
    Join Date
    Apr. 20, 2009
    Location
    Raeford, North Carolina
    Posts
    2,622

    Default

    Maybe he needs clicker training.
    "Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing" - Robert Benchley
    Cotton would fight.
    http://buildingthegrove.blogspot.com/



  13. #13
    Join Date
    Aug. 28, 2007
    Location
    Triangle Area, NC
    Posts
    6,675

    Default

    What I hear is someone who has happily sacrificed alot for you over the years, and it's getting old.
    It only "gets old" if you are not doing something of equal sacrifice. It may be because he doesn't have a passionate hobby like you do, or it could be that he's never asked for you to participate in his hobby, etc. but feelings change and people stop giving when they feel unappreciated.
    www.destinationconsensusequus.com
    chaque pas est fait ensemble



  14. #14
    Join Date
    Oct. 1, 2009
    Posts
    25

    Default

    Great comments - and helpful...and no, he doesn't share any expenses with me and yes, I do more with him but this doesn't solve the problem - his answer is for me to give up eventing and horses. His complaints are hard to deal with and resolve. I don't expect full-out support but do expect to be the same person he knew when we first dated. I'm not saying I'm not at fault too as my choice is eventing.

    Loved the clicker training comment.
    eventwarrior



  15. #15
    Join Date
    Jul. 19, 2003
    Location
    Middleburg, VA
    Posts
    12,478

    Default

    Something is up if he goes from all to nothing about it. I can see having some issues or whatnot, but saying you should give it up all together rather than talking to you about what his issues are and see if you all can work out the issues is a big red flag to me.



  16. #16
    Join Date
    Oct. 1, 2003
    Location
    Nonsuch House
    Posts
    3,491

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by ACMEeventing View Post
    Maybe he needs clicker training.


    I can only tell you that my husband and I do everything together, he goes eventing with me and is my coach, trainer, groom and driver. I go hunting with him and we have a blast. Because we do everything together, we always have something to talk about and neither is ever left out of the other's life.

    This is just my marriage and I don't preach it for everyone, but the ultimatum part would be a deal breaker for me. Eventing is a part of me and it's who I am. If he's looking for a Stepford Wife, go find one.
    RIP Kelly 1977-2007 "Wither thou goest, so shall I"

    "To tilt when you should withdraw is Knightly too."



  17. #17
    Join Date
    Aug. 22, 2001
    Location
    Almost Aiken
    Posts
    2,520

    Default

    Tell him you won't expect him to go to events with you if he won't expect you to give it up. I'm sure you don't show every weekend, so on your off weekends make sure you two do something together, and that he likes to do.

    I'm another w/ a hubby who supports my horse habit wholeheartedly - but from a distance. Very occasionally he will come see me ride. He'll video, get me a cold drink, sit and chit chat or wander around with me for a bit, and then he's off to find his own fun. He's never spent a whole show day with me, never done groom duty, etc. and I don't expect him to. Suits us both just fine.



  18. #18
    Join Date
    Dec. 27, 1999
    Location
    Midland, NC, USA
    Posts
    7,205

    Default

    Something is up if it's not costing him any money and you are spending plenty of time together otherwise. Even if not directly, is it costing him SOMEHOW.... are you able to pay your fair share of living expenses, pay for non-horsey extracurriculars, etc.? How are you managing to spend time together if you are working full-time (presumably, since he doesn't pay for your hobby) and then riding on a regular basis? Does he have a hobby or is he sitting at home alone every evening waiting for you to get home from the barn after work?

    It could just be that for the first couple of years, eventing was new and interesting and he didn't mind the novelty of going to shows with you, and now he's bored with it and resents that you're not ready to move on like he is. But be fair and make sure that it really isn't impacting your time together/finances, even if you don't think it is. Not that it means you have to quit if it is.... everyone's gotta have priorities! but maybe you will be in a better position to negotiate, if you WANT to, if you make sure you really appreciate his point of view.

    At least he's probably not screwing around, if he was he'd be THRILLED that you were spending lots of time away from home..... but he may be thinking about it, and this is his way of working around to justifying it.

    Jennifer



  19. #19
    Join Date
    Jan. 16, 2002
    Location
    West Coast of Michigan
    Posts
    36,312

    Default

    If he's tired of it, that should be fine with you. But if you're NOT tired of it, that should be fine with him, too.

    Relationships involve a lot of give and take, negotiation, and compromise. If both sides acknowledge this and are willing to do their half, things can almost always work out. When one half, however, starts making ultimatums, that to me is a red flag. It's often not about the ___________ (insert issue of your choice) but a sign of something deeper that's gone wrong.

    Long term, do you really want to be committed to somebody who thinks his priorities are more important than yours?
    Click here before you buy.



  20. #20
    Join Date
    Jan. 13, 2008
    Posts
    5,329

    Default

    Posted by deltawave:

    If he's tired of it, that should be fine with you. But if you're NOT tired of it, that should be fine with him, too.

    Relationships involve a lot of give and take, negotiation, and compromise. If both sides acknowledge this and are willing to do their half, things can almost always work out. When one half, however, starts making ultimatums, that to me is a red flag. It's often not about the ___________ (insert issue of your choice) but a sign of something deeper that's gone wrong.

    Long term, do you really want to be committed to somebody who thinks his priorities are more important than yours?
    Well said



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