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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Feb. 27, 2007
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    36

    Default I'm not sure I love my husband.

    That's pretty much it.

    We have a near-perfect life together... a little farm, a wonderful daughter, a decent house, great friends and community. He supports all my dreams and goals, and he's into the horses. He works hard for our farm. He's a great father. I have no complaints about him at all. I don't want to leave him, but it's because I don't want to destroy the life we have together, not because I truly want to be with HIM. I just don't think I'm in love with him anymore.

    We've been together almost 10 years. Maybe this is a normal phase and I just have to wait it out?

    I've told him how I feel, and he thinks it is a phase. I have no doubt that he loves me.

    I guess I just wanted to get this out there. Has anyone else been through this and has your marriage survived? Have you ended up falling back in love in the long term? ... or...not?



  2. #2
    Join Date
    Nov. 4, 2003
    Location
    Dallas, Georgia
    Posts
    16,746

    Default

    Love is a decision, not a feeling....no matter what the movies say. Feelings come and go, ebb and flow over time and throughout life's circumstances.

    I HIGHLY recommend reading the book by the same title: Love Is a Decision

    ETA: Yes, been there done that over 16 years of marriage. We keep CHOOSING to love each other, through it all.
    <>< Sorrow Looks Back. Worry Looks Around. Faith Looks Up! -- Being negative only makes a difficult journey more difficult. You may be given a cactus, but you don't have to sit on it.



  3. #3
    Join Date
    Mar. 21, 2005
    Location
    michigan
    Posts
    2,453

    Default

    Give it time. I've been married for 19 years this April and trust me, there are cycles in every relationship. I have been where you are now. It doesn't feel good, but wait and see if you can work things out. People change as they grow older and the person you married 10 years ago isn't the same as the man you are married to today just like you are not the same woman he married. Doesn't mean that you can't still love each other, just means that the love may have to change a little bit.
    Lapeer ... a small drinking town with a farming problem.
    Proud Closet Canterer!



  4. #4
    Join Date
    Apr. 10, 2006
    Posts
    7,362

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by ChocoMare View Post
    Love is a decision, not a feeling....no matter what the movies say. Feelings come and go, ebb and flow over time and throughout life's circumstances.
    Ditto this.
    We couldn't all be cowboys, so some of us are clowns.



  5. #5
    Join Date
    Dec. 30, 2009
    Location
    The Great Plains of Canada
    Posts
    3,062

    Default

    Yes I have been there, though not in a marriage but in a long-term relationship (granted, not 10 years!). We put work into it and brought the love back into the relationship. I am no longer with that man, but it did not work out for other reasons.

    Love is a CHOICE. I highly recommend the (short, easy read!) book The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman (NYT Bestseller). He describes exactly what you are feeling now and why (ie, cycles, love being a choice, etc), and what to do about it. I read it this winter and gained a ton of insight - amazing amazing book! It had been recommended to my ex and I when we experienced what you are describing - we did not read it at that time but did apply some of its concepts at the time based on the tools the counselor gave us, and it made an immense difference. If you only read one more book in your entire life, make it this one
    ....horses should be trained in such a way that they not only love their riders, but look forward to the time they are with them.
    ~ Xenophon, 350 B.C.



  6. #6
    Join Date
    Nov. 2, 2001
    Location
    Packing my bags
    Posts
    32,633

    Default

    The Honeymoon isn't everlasting, life and such gets in the way.

    Maybe you need to look around a bit - not for the tickle in the pit of your stomach, but for the realization of the good things you have. I know you know in your head, but sometimes it's important to see it again.

    Lat year my FIL was in the hospital, colon cancer scare.

    Since he retired he lived in his recliner, he is overweight and out of shape...a few complications later he was finally back home, still weakend from the surgery and all that. I happened to visit when he mentioned upon seeing a commercial he could go for a cheese sandwich when his wife snapped at him "You can't have that" I mean, snapped. At first I thought it was because of the surgery, maybe dairy would still be to hard to digest, but no, she had him on a strict diet (she said it was 600 cal a day way too little for a big man, but that is another story)
    Yeah, my husband isn't all that many of times, but that moment I felt that love again...

    You have to make time for love. An effort.



  7. #7
    Join Date
    May. 5, 2006
    Posts
    2,899

    Default

    I think love does cycle once you're out of the first, giddy rush of it. Give it time, and don't hang onto the "I am not IN love any more" feeling. One day you'll look up and feel that rush again, and it'll last for a week or a day or an hour. And it will be enough to sustain you through the next stretch where you just aren't feeling it.
    Sheilah



  8. #8
    Join Date
    Oct. 3, 2007
    Location
    PA
    Posts
    5,055

    Default

    Go for a girls' night out with single friends. Seriously. Visit the freak show and you will come home and look at your husband with new loving eyes. I guarantee it.

    Life isn't a movie. I would venture to guess that the love is there but hiding under a layer of abiding friendship. Recognizing that is what keeps long marriages going. The love will rush back in at unexpected times. Wait for it.



  9. #9
    Join Date
    Jul. 5, 2007
    Location
    Beside Myself ~ Western NY
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    7,018

    Default

    And then if you are still unsure, go over and read the Worst Date Ever topic and remind yourself what you would have to go through to find another meaningful relationship with a man you have no complaints about.
    The more perfect our happiness,
    the more nagging and wretched
    do our unsolved problems seem.
    ~ Gordon Grand



  10. #10
    Join Date
    Oct. 2, 2007
    Location
    Beyond the pale.
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    2,957

    Default

    normal phase. They make movies about it- one old cliché is "The seven year itch".
    see your doctor and make sure you're not "depressed" or low thyroid or low hormone or something.
    realize that all relationships change over time and revisit your definition of "love".
    "The Threat of Internet Ignorance: ... we are witnessing the rise of an age of equestrian disinformation, one where a trusting public can graze on nonsense packaged to look like fact."-LRG-AF



  11. #11
    Join Date
    Nov. 2, 2001
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    Packing my bags
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    Quote Originally Posted by SmartAlex View Post
    And then if you are still unsure, go over and read the Worst Date Ever topic and remind yourself what you would have to go through to find another meaningful relationship with a man you have no complaints about.
    Or the 'what a woman wants'




  12. #12
    Join Date
    Apr. 29, 2006
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    3,452

    Default

    Marriage is what keeps you together as you fall in and out of love.

    (original author forgotten)



  13. #13
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    Sep. 11, 2008
    Location
    Snohomish, WA
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    Default

    I second or third this!! You have a good one. The grass only looks greener on the other side - it's still just grass.

    Quote Originally Posted by SmartAlex View Post
    And then if you are still unsure, go over and read the Worst Date Ever topic and remind yourself what you would have to go through to find another meaningful relationship with a man you have no complaints about.



  14. #14
    Join Date
    Jul. 5, 2007
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    Beside Myself ~ Western NY
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by JGHIRETIRE View Post
    The grass only looks greener on the other side - it's still just grass.
    If it's greener on the other side, it's better fertilised. And being horse people, we all know what fertilizer is.
    The more perfect our happiness,
    the more nagging and wretched
    do our unsolved problems seem.
    ~ Gordon Grand



  15. #15
    Join Date
    Jan. 31, 2010
    Location
    Earth
    Posts
    2,352

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by ChocoMare View Post
    Love is a decision, not a feeling....no matter what the movies say. Feelings come and go, ebb and flow over time and throughout life's circumstances.

    I HIGHLY recommend reading the book by the same title: Love Is a Decision

    ETA: Yes, been there done that over 16 years of marriage. We keep CHOOSING to love each other, through it all.
    I completely agree. Love is a choice - Love is action, a verb. You do not always feel love, but you can act love. Why throw it all away to chase down an emotion?



  16. #16
    Join Date
    Oct. 1, 2004
    Location
    Magnolia, TX
    Posts
    5,615

    Default Emotions are fickle

    Quote Originally Posted by Eye in the Sky View Post
    I completely agree. Love is a choice - Love is action, a verb. You do not always feel love, but you can act love. Why throw it all away to chase down an emotion?
    Adding to that, feelings follow actions. If you recommit to loving your husband, dating him again, doing small things for him and thanking him in return for each small thing he does for you, you may find that by acting out love the feeling of being in love will return to you.

    Best wishes to you and your hubby to reignite and strengthen the bonds of your marriage. It sounds like ya'll have a good thing going.
    Jer 29: 11-13



  17. #17
    Join Date
    Feb. 27, 2007
    Posts
    36

    Default

    I won't go into detail because of the forum rules, but... I also have absolutely no drive. If you know what I mean. Is this also a normal phase or what? I hate it and I feel like I'm being unfair to him.



  18. #18
    Join Date
    Sep. 13, 2002
    Location
    Azle, Teh-has
    Posts
    7,773

    Default

    Read "The Road Less Traveled".
    there is an entire section on love and it may make you feel very differently.

    It's a all about psychoanalysis.

    great book.
    http://kaboomeventing.com/
    http://kaboomeventing.blogspot.com/
    Horses are amazing athletes and make no mistake -- they are the stars of the show!



  19. #19
    Join Date
    Sep. 13, 2002
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    Azle, Teh-has
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    7,773

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Alter Already! View Post
    I won't go into detail because of the forum rules, but... I also have absolutely no drive. If you know what I mean. Is this also a normal phase or what? I hate it and I feel like I'm being unfair to him.
    Now THIS is an issue. lol. Boys shows their love through sex.
    Ya gatta take one for the team.
    Maybe check out your OB/GYN for this issue.
    There may be drugs you can take that would help.

    I have been on Wellbutrin for 10 years. It's a major "drive" increaser. Big time.
    Just stopped taking it and I'm afraid I'm going to lose that drive....

    sounds like some hot spicy dates are in order. Did you see Four Christmases with Reece Witherspoon? I love the roll playing at the beginning of that film.
    A good cologne on the man always make me nuts. : )
    http://kaboomeventing.com/
    http://kaboomeventing.blogspot.com/
    Horses are amazing athletes and make no mistake -- they are the stars of the show!



  20. #20
    Join Date
    Mar. 21, 2005
    Location
    michigan
    Posts
    2,453

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Alter Already! View Post
    I won't go into detail because of the forum rules, but... I also have absolutely no drive. If you know what I mean. Is this also a normal phase or what? I hate it and I feel like I'm being unfair to him.

    Absolutely normal. A piece of advice for you - make yourself go for a "drive" even if you don't really want to. It has been proven that the best way to make yourself want to go for a drive is to drive more often.
    Lapeer ... a small drinking town with a farming problem.
    Proud Closet Canterer!



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