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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jan. 16, 2011
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    Default WWYD... Press charges or not?

    This is a bit of a long story, and I posted under an alter because it contains certain exciting announcements I'm not ready to make public yet, as myself anyway.

    When I was 15, I briefly dated a guy for 3 months. He seemed a little whiny, and a little clingy, but nothing too serious. I tried to break up with him repeatedly, but he refused to take no for an answer. Finally, he broke it off with me (Thank God!), and proceeded to send out an email with 35 reasons why he did, and also make a website... to everyone we knew. He hacked into my email to get addresses, so some people I hardly knew.

    That was nine years ago. Every year, I recieve all kinds of really creepy emails, and he has dropped off a package at one of the locations at my work for me. I do not know how he figured out where I worked.

    This was filled with love notes, a bottle of some kind of green fluid, no idea what, crystals, and mixed CDs. That was about three years ago. He insists that I'm the Virgin Mary incarnated, and that we're destined to be together, and we were in previous lives. He also constantly claims he is in my area, and moving here in the emails. I should add that during this time, he has been diagnosed schizophrenic. This is generally around July-August every year.

    This past summer it was far worse. Normally, I will respond to the email and ask him not to contact me further, nicely or not so nicely. This year, I spoke to my boyfriend about it, and he said not to respond to anything, so he wouldn't get any kind of reinforcement. The silence seemed to push him over the edge, he somehow figured out my work email and sent the emails there. He sent them to my family members. He was arrested after driving around my family's home for what the police thought was a DUI, he passed the blood alchohol test, but if that tells you how out there he was.

    I finally got a death threat from him for the first time. The reason for it? He claims he impregnated me, spiritually, and that if I have/had an abortion he would/will kill me. I went and got a restraining order, and talked to the police in my home town (a state away). This is when they connected the dots about the suspected DUI, he lives 40 minutes from my house. They also realized he'd been pulled over in that area at least twice over the last few years.

    The court date is nearing for the harassment, and the death threat. I have a permanent restraining order, although his facebook still says (in the spot where you can write things about yourself), that we are married, I've been cheating on him, and he's looking to get even by sleeping with someone else. Unfortunately, this sort of libel is apparently not covered in my restraining order.

    The hearing for the restraining order was the first time I had seen him in 9 years, I've never been so scared. Just writing this, I'm feeling so anxious and shaky. I have a hard time going out to feed my horses unless my boyfriend comes with me, or my friend is on the phone because I'm terrified he'll be there. Same with leaving work.

    The problem? I actually am pregnant now. OBVIOUSLY, not his, but I'm terrified he will somehow find out, think it is his (spiritually), and that this court date will set him off even further. While I would like this vindication, and for other people to know how he is and be warned, I'm really scared to even go now. I'm contemplating dropping the charges, although I'd keep my restraining order.

    I just don't know if it will even do anything for someone who is so out of touch with reality. My only hope is that he would be committed, but it seems a bit of a stretch.

    What would you do? Keep pressing charges, or drop them?



  2. #2
    Join Date
    Feb. 18, 2001
    Location
    New York, NY
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    6,822

    Default

    Gosh, just reading your post made me shaky and anxious for you. I'm so sorry that such a lunatic has decided to harass you in such a negative way.

    I would DEFINITELY continue with the charges. You shouldn't let him get off so easy—a death threat is serious business. Also, this is a no-brainer I'm sure, but I'd try and keep the pregnancy under wraps as long as you can so the loon doesn't get anymore crazy ideas.



  3. #3
    Join Date
    Dec. 31, 2000
    Location
    El Paso, TX
    Posts
    12,264

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    Can you have a lawyer appear in court for you, so you don't have to see him? Can his contact via email be considered a violation of the restraining order? If so, I'd press stalking charges. I think stalking charges have a higher penalty than harassment charges.

    That's a really scary situation. I think I would take some gun training and get a Concealed carry license, and also take some self defense training. A large protection trained dog to take with you to the barn might also help.

    I'd take this very seriously, and do what you can to stay safe.



  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jun. 22, 2008
    Location
    Outside Ocala FL - Horse Capital of the World
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    6,190

    Default

    Definitely continue. Your post also made me anxious for you, as I read too many articles in the paper about situations where the crazy ex goes overboard and does carry out the death threats.

    I'm hoping in your case that he gets some jail time, and perhaps some obviously needed psychiatric care.

    Good Luck!
    There are friends and faces that may be forgotten, but there are horses that never will be. - Andy Adams



  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jan. 31, 2010
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    Earth
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    2,352

    Default

    DEFINITELY continue to press charges and go through with it! It will never end otherwise. I cannot predict the future, and therefore cannot say whether he will react poorly or not at all to your pregnancy. Having worked with some schizophrenics and their families, I can tell you that they are predictably unpredictable.

    You should obtain an attorney if you have not already and share this specific concern along with the basis for it. The only time I have gone to court other than for my work was to face a very bad man who had harmed my best friend and physically threatened me. I trembled the entire duration of that trial. I wish I had requested my doctor prescribe me some ativan, because I was absolutely exhausted by the end. The anxiety over having to both face him and answer questions by his horribly manipulative attorney was horrible. BUT I survived - and you will too.

    I am so sorry you are going through this - but you have to pursue it - and you knew that before you typed this. But, to reassure you, you are doing the right thing. ((((hugs)))))



  6. #6
    Join Date
    Sep. 24, 2008
    Posts
    1,668

    Default

    Is it going to be obvious that you're pregnant when you see him again?

    Is it possible that you don't have to actually appear, considering the circumstances?

    I think you have to continue to press charges because if you DON'T he might certainly, in his own special way, take that the entirely WRONG WAY.

    Any possibilty that you could move so he doesnt know where you live?

    Holy twisted.

    NJR



  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jun. 14, 2006
    Location
    VA
    Posts
    11,372

    Default

    Are you getting any kind of counseling? I know that wasn't part of your post, but really, this sort of crazy behavior can impact you in a lot of ways.

    Absotootely YES you proceed with charges.

    But you also need to cover your other bases. Do you have mace? Do you have an emergency plan? Are those around you aware of him and know what to do if they see him?
    A good horseman doesn't have to tell anyone...the horse already knows.

    Might be a reason, never an excuse...



  8. #8
    Join Date
    Mar. 30, 2007
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    Hollowed out volcano in the South Pacific.
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    You seem to have a cut and dry case. The only problem is getting a prosecutor who is interested in prosecuting it.
    Thus do we growl that our big toes have,
    at this moment, been thrown up from below!



  9. #9
    Join Date
    Aug. 12, 2001
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    Trailer Trash Ammy!
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    Do NOT drop the charges under ANY circumstances whatsoever.

    Moreover, document EVERYTHING that happens, in case you ever have to testify in court. If you spot his car near your house - make a note of the date and time. If he tries to make contact in any way, same thing.

    Good luck to you (and congrats on the pregnancy BTW)!
    "The standard you walk by is the standard you accept."--Lt. Gen. David Morrison, Austalian Army Chief



  10. #10
    Join Date
    Jan. 16, 2011
    Posts
    30

    Default

    Jetsmom, sorry to be unclear. I finally got a restraining order this year. The reason behind that is in PA, where I live, they only have an order of protection. I went to them several times, and I was practically laughed out.
    They would not grant me one unless he threatened my life, finally because he contacted my mom, the Detective assigned to her case down there (in NJ) realized he could get a restraining order for me, although I don't live in state.

    I am definitely going to ask if an attorney could go in my place, great idea! My boyfriend is deathly allergic to dogs (and horses, lol), so I can't have a dog or I totally would. Good idea on the gun training, I may start. I'm just so afraid he's going to find out about him/her and try to kidnap the baby or something awful. Granted, that's a long way away, I only found out I was pregnant two weeks ago, but still.

    After that shooting in Arizona, now I'm extra freaked out. I just want it all to stop... nine years is a long time.



  11. #11
    Join Date
    Jun. 22, 2008
    Location
    Outside Ocala FL - Horse Capital of the World
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    6,190

    Default

    Another thought, can you report him to FaceBook, to get his account revoked for posting mis-information? I would pursue that also.

    As to the emails, set your email settings to send them to either the junk mail folder, or another folder just for his emails, so that you have them if needed to back you up legally about the attempted contact, but they don't show up in your inbox?

    I really do feel for you, that is just so scary.

    There are some large protective dogs that are not allergenic, Airedales come to mind.
    There are friends and faces that may be forgotten, but there are horses that never will be. - Andy Adams



  12. #12
    Join Date
    Jan. 16, 2011
    Posts
    30

    Default

    Nojacket, it will not be obvious that I'm pregnant, the court date is this month and at most I'm 7 weeks along or so. I have my first doctor's appointment on Tuesday (exciting!!).

    BuddyRoo, I've never been through counseling for it, but I'm thinking it's a good idea. I just hate this awful fear. I mean, my horses are in my front yard for heaven's sake, and I'm so scared to feed them at night. Don't worry guys, I DO feed them, LOL.

    No real possiblity of moving, I have lived in another state as well, the harassing continued, the driving around my area did not because I was 17 hours away. Right now, I am about 4. Another thing is, my boyfriend OWNS our farm, and he inherited it. It's old family land, and he wouldn't part with it. He would move if we found the right jobs, etc, but it kind of ends a lot of my dreams and goals for the property as well.

    The craziest part? He lives with his parents. They GIVE him the keys to the family car, and even said they KNEW he was driving to PA, but didn't know why. Would you really let you mentally ill child just go gallavanting off like that?



  13. #13
    Join Date
    Jun. 14, 2006
    Location
    VA
    Posts
    11,372

    Default

    I guess I might as well throw this out there...

    I have PTSD.

    About a month ago, I found out that the guy who beat and raped me (who I worked for and was stuck with for months overseas) is back in town.

    I am concerned for YOU that there might be underlying anxiety and such related to dealing with this guy that you might want to be watching for.

    I'm not sure getting a gun is the answer as people can be pretty jumpy when they're in a constant state of worry. That's why I carry mace instead of a gun. I'm good with guns. i'm just afraid that I'll be too trigger happy.

    Good luck. press on. ((hugs))
    A good horseman doesn't have to tell anyone...the horse already knows.

    Might be a reason, never an excuse...



  14. #14
    Join Date
    Aug. 12, 2010
    Location
    Westford, Massachusetts
    Posts
    3,469

    Default

    How scary!

    Will you be visibly pregnant, such that you cannot hide it, by the court date? Don't drop the charges in any event. If you will be too pregnant to hide it by the court date, see if they will let you present your testimony on the phone or in a video, just neck up. My husband's ex-wife was able to just do a deposition, rather than appear in court, during one of their post divorce custody spats. She was pregnant with her second husband's child at the time and claimed it would be "too stressful" for her to appear in court (and my husband/her ex is a pussycat, she wasn't afraid of him, just being in court at all).

    A big, protective dog, is a good idea. You could take it out to feed the horses with you. Herding dogs tend to be "one person dogs" and quite protective by nature...our Cattle Dog only weighs 45 pounds, but she's has terrified more than a few men who have approached me (not for nefarious reasons) when I'm walking her and getting pizza delivered to the house is a hair raising experience for everyone involved.

    Oh...edit, just saw that BF is allergic to dogs. I second the Airedale idea...they have "hair" rather than "fur" and are less likely to cause allergies. They are big dogs and can be quite aggressive, I had one as a child and he was a superior guard dog, even without training. You could have a dog trained to be even more reliable at it.
    Last edited by Canaqua; Jan. 16, 2011 at 03:28 PM. Reason: missed something



  15. #15
    Join Date
    Oct. 1, 2004
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    Magnolia, TX
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    5,461

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    Oh, wow. My adrenaline spiked on your behalf just reading that. Absolutely agree 10,000% with others here: Do not drop the charges!!

    Also fully agree that you should not appear in the courtroom if at all possible. Seeing you may only reignite his infatuation. In all likelihood, he has been seeing you since it appears he's stalking you, but someone that crazy may view a courtroom meeting as a success at bringing you to him.
    Jer 29: 11-13



  16. #16
    Join Date
    Dec. 31, 2000
    Location
    El Paso, TX
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by helpthisalter View Post
    Jetsmom, sorry to be unclear. I finally got a restraining order this year. The reason behind that is in PA, where I live, they only have an order of protection. I went to them several times, and I was practically laughed out.
    They would not grant me one unless he threatened my life, finally because he contacted my mom, the Detective assigned to her case down there (in NJ) realized he could get a restraining order for me, although I don't live in state.

    I am definitely going to ask if an attorney could go in my place, great idea! My boyfriend is deathly allergic to dogs (and horses, lol), so I can't have a dog or I totally would. Good idea on the gun training, I may start. I'm just so afraid he's going to find out about him/her and try to kidnap the baby or something awful. Granted, that's a long way away, I only found out I was pregnant two weeks ago, but still.

    After that shooting in Arizona, now I'm extra freaked out. I just want it all to stop... nine years is a long time.
    Allergy shots for your boyfriend so you could get a protection dog, might not be a bad idea. But with you having a baby, adding a a protection dog might not work well either.

    Get a security system for your home. Not just in home, but driveway alarms, and security floodlights. Most police depts will have an officer come to your home and show you where you are vulnerable, and recommend fixes. Things like trimming back bushes from under windows or adding thorny bushes instead.

    Keep a cell phone with you at all times. Even in the bedroom at night.



  17. #17
    Join Date
    Jan. 16, 2011
    Posts
    30

    Default

    Aggie, I don't think he has been seeing me. When he dropped off that package, little did he realize he was down the street from MY location at work. Luckily I was visiting family at the time, so I wasn't in town.

    The town I live in is not large, but there's the "town" area of it, and my boyfriend and I live out in the country part of it. I think it would be hard to find me unless he was following me home from work. And I check behind me constantly. If a car follows for too long, I'll turn off the road and take a different way, just to be safe.

    He did see me this past summer though, when I had to be there for the restraining order. I didn't look over at all, and they kept him in a seperate room until we were actually to appear. His attorney approached me and asked me not to file charges, so I wouldn't ruin his "future". He said he's on meds now, and he is stable. But he also asked me not to have my boyfriend come into the court room, because he didn't want him to freak out. After the case, he was in the hallway pacing back and forth manically, so I'm not sure that he's really any better, meds or not.

    I will say I haven't heard anything since the restraining order, however, since he generally does it for a few months at a certain time of year, that means nothing.



  18. #18
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    Mar. 30, 2007
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    Getting a dog is definitely a bad idea. A single dog can be taken out easily in a few seconds by anyone who is motivated enough and equipped with the proper means. That's why dogs are always used in packs for security work. Physical based security measures are more reliable and not as easy to get around. You can't stop an alarm system without a great deal of force nor can you take out security lights without being noticed and probably caught.
    Thus do we growl that our big toes have,
    at this moment, been thrown up from below!



  19. #19
    Join Date
    Nov. 2, 2001
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    Packing my bags
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    Keep on!

    This read was about at par with a King novel...

    You can have a dog, keep him outside.
    (heck, even a toy poodle can be of help)

    Take a class (several) in tactical short stick/Escrima...those 28" sticks are pretty handy skull crackers...

    above all, stay safe!
    Quote Originally Posted by Mozart View Post
    Personally, I think the moderate use of shock collars in training humans should be allowed.



  20. #20
    Join Date
    Aug. 8, 2001
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    up the hill from the little river (that floods alarmingly often)
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    3,607

    Default

    First, hugs to you. I went through something similar, though my freak has not contacted me for five years now.

    Document everything; save screenshots of his FB page. (It's amazing how quickly that stuff can disappear if he thinks the $hit might hit the fan.)

    Take a self-defense class (if you're OK to do so now that you're pregnant); it will make you feel more in control and more capable.

    Press charges.

    STOP responding in ANY way to ANY form of contact from him. Even a "stop harassing me" is a reward for him because he got your attention, and he'll keep contacting you if you keep rewarding him with a response. Just make a note of it; save the crazy e-mails.

    Talk with your boss/human resources. Give them his name and a picture (if you have one), and tell HR/receptionist that if any male shows up and asks to see you, they are to request photo ID. If it's Psycho, they're to call the police. Keep track of every time he tries to contact you at work.

    It's not hard to find out info about someone online. Many states/localities have property records, DMV records and even voter registration records online.

    Do you have a lawyer? If not, you will want to get one.

    Be very aware of your surroundings—what make/model/color car is that following you, where you park at a store, etc. I don't want you to be paranoid, but DO be observant.

    Don't be a nice girl. Be aggressive and assertive about protecting yourself. Don't worry about hurting his feelings or pissing him off—yes, pissing him off might well be dangerous if he's mentally ill, but you have *no* way of knowing what will or won't piss him off or even if the thing(s) that pisses him off is related to you. Do everything in your power to protect yourself.

    And look into getting some counseling on how to deal with the emotional/mental effects of this situation.

    This is NOT YOUR FAULT. Don't feel bad or guilty or sad for him. Listen to that little voice in your head—if something feels funny, it probably is.
    Full-time bargain hunter.



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