Ever feel like you date the same person over and over?
I'm so tired of finding myself dating the same (type) of person over and over.
What is with that?!? I have made a mental effort to identity the traits that these men have in common, and avoid them...but eventually find myself only *seriously* dating the same exact type again. I tell myself you deserve more than the emotionally unavailable, never know where you stand with them, constantly trying to prove yourself to them men but I never seem able to find any other type of man as attractive.
Whenever there is a man I find attractive, on the verrrry rare chance that he is available, I can't get past my fear of him. ??? I'm so afraid of becoming intimate.
Its so frustrating and its keeping me from having a truly healthy long-term relationship.
Last edited by sirena_chaucer; Jan. 15, 2011 at 09:44 AM.
The Mighty Thoroughbred Clique
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Maybe you need some counselling to help you identify why, subconsciously, you keep picking the same person. It sounds as if you have a fear of commitment, although may not know it, and therefore keep picking the unavailable ones. Good luck.
Go out and buy a copy of Harville Hendrix' book "Getting the Love You Want".
Eye opening. I'm in a deliciously healthy relationship, and it gave me more insight into why we work well together and what is happening when we are working less-well together. It's based on Imago therapy, which draws on several different types of therapies (CBT, psychoanalysis, narrative, among others). It really accesses a lot of different facets of who we are and what we want. And, once you are able to understand *why* you are continually attracted to these types, you can make steps to change it. But first you have to understand it.
I felt like I was in the same cycle...so I very consciously went out on a limb (with current SO) when I started dating him - he wasn't "my type" at all, and totally different in lifestyle, politics, religion, looks, etc than my previous "cookie cutter" men. Figured no way he'd have the same issues that previous guys did. Guess what? He still has serious issues, just different ones than the other guys. I'll get some therapy as soon as I can afford it, which should be about 20 years from now...not sure if I'll still be interested in a relationship at that point
Its true. I'm hugely backed off by the prospect of actually committing to someone. As in, run the other direction, leave the state. It terrifies me.
Well, you know what the problem is then, if it's a problem for you. Seems like you can identify the type you (consciously) want to avoid well enough, so it's not dating strategies you need. I agree with counselling if you want to change this.
I think to an extent we each are attracted to a certain type of individuals based on our past experiences, for a reason, and we always will be. To an extent. But that is separate from being attracted to the emotionally unavailable, etc, and accepting such traits and being strung along. Every person has their own issues or baggage etc that they bring to the table. I think the key is to develop oneself and as such, you might be attracted to the same "type" (say, the "bad boy", or the "nerd", or other) per se, but that type will not include the emotionally unavailable. If that makes sense? Similar energies attract each other, and you have to make a conscious effort to avoid a man who is not in a good spot himself. Otherwise, I think the key is to focus on YOU, on developing and improving yourself and as such you will be attracted to and will attract yourself, someone of a similar "type" and energy level. He will still be of a certain "type", his characteristics will fall within certain parameters that will probably always remain attractive to you, but he will not be the "type within that type" that is emotionally unstable (ie, unavailable, etc). I hope that wasn't overly confusing, but I think it might have been
On the other hand, if YOU are in a good spot yourself ie, emotionally happy, balanced, developed, then it is easier to have a relationship with a man who might carry some baggage (because we all carry some sort of baggage) without being sucked into his own little tornado. You live your own life and are stable, strong, a pillar.
....horses should be trained in such a way that they not only love their riders, but look forward to the time they are with them.
~ Xenophon, 350 B.C.