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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Aug. 4, 2008
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    122

    Default on the fence about kids but getting older - how do you know?

    OK, I have always been a "not interested in kids" kind of person. Don't hate them, just didn't want them. Now I am in my mid 30s and starting to feel the clock. Problem is, I still don't know. Petty as it sounds, I think I would want them if money wasn't an issue. But, it always is. Both hubby and I make good money, but I won't be able to do much more than recreationally ride and not show, not get another horse, not get another dog when current one passes along, not keep traveling big etc. Don't get me wrong, we still will be lucky darned people with good jobs and decent money, but I will want to be a stay at home mom like my mom was, at least till kiddo is in school, and we won't have money for lots of extras.

    Part of me doesn't want this window to go by. Part of me doesn't want to give up everything I have been thus far in my life. I have a lot of schooling invested in my career, and I am at a good place. I also enjoy traveling and playing with the animals. I don't think we will be able to afford the next round of critters when these pass along.

    How did you decide what was worth "sacrificing" for the sake of children. I know they also bring wonderful things into your life. How did you decide?

    Thanks. I am clearly conflicted, scared, uncertain, and worried I will make the wrong decision either way.

    Thank goodness Hubby seems absolutely supportive and wonderful either way I go.



  2. #2
    Join Date
    Aug. 2, 2004
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    Whidbey Is, Wash.
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    Not in my 30s yet (a year off), but my clock "bongs" from time to time. I made the decision to not have kids with three main reasons in mind, but there are the few small reasons that make me wonder if my three no-reasons are enough.

    Then I throw another shot of vodka back and tell my uterus to stfu. Kidding. Kinda.

    I dunno. I'm in the same boat as you. I decided no kids because of my career; I don't want to take time off for kids, it's hard to get back after kids, etc. Plus, I like who I am without kids. I don't feel an emptiness of any sort. That and the stretch marks would be horrendous.
    Last edited by TheJenners; Dec. 28, 2010 at 12:43 PM.
    Aisha, my heart from 03/06/1986 to 08/22/2008.

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  3. #3
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    Aug. 4, 2008
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    122

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    At least you do have many years left. I have only 2 until the dreaded 35. I guess I need to ask my girlie-doc how serious it is after 35. I don't want to give up my career, since I genuinely enjoy it, but I Do Not think I would be a good mom with the lack of energy I have at the end of a day right now. I am gone a lot, and I am just drained and tired at the end of the day. What kind of mom would I be in my cranky pants?

    I totally remember my mom always having time for home work, and worries, and questions, and horsie fashion shows and all that good stuff. I would want to do that too. But then my brain might go to mush and who would I be?



  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jul. 4, 2006
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    New Hampshire
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    I knew when I realized that every time I sat down and actually, seriously, thought about the idea of having kids, I felt absolute panic and dread. Each of these times I would say to myself, 'well, I don't have to do it right NOW' and I would feel intense relief. It seems so simple, but I did not put 2+2 together for years. One day I just thought, 'hey, wait a minute, I don't have to do this EVER.' It was like a 2-ton weight just slid off of my shoulders.
    -Debbie / NH

    My Blog: http://deborahsulli.blogspot.com/



  5. #5
    Join Date
    Apr. 10, 2006
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    The stretch marks DO suck.

    I never wanted kids, never thought I'd have them, didn't even want to get married. And then I ended up married relatively young, to a (wonderful) man 8 years my senior who was ready for kids. And I thought why the hell not... VERY long story short, we have two kids now. Daughter is 4 and son is 8 months.

    Everything is a trade-off and kids are not something you can do half-assed. They can and do consume every spare moment, penny, etc. As my sister and I joke, they start sucking the life out of you from the minute they are conceived!

    Since adding the two kiddos my life has changed drastically. I've scaled back on my career aspirations for now, to stay home and be with them. I rarely make it to the barn, though I do have a horse. I've sacrificed my energy, time, sleep, and my body!!

    But I wouldn't change a thing. And I know once my son is a little bit older I will get back into a routine of riding, and sleeping. For now I'm enjoying the baby snuggles from my son, and my daughter's comic relief. I know everything else-- career, horses, traveling, etc. will still be there in a year or two or whenever I'm able to get back to it. The kids will only be little once.

    So I dunno. It is a very personal choice. I don't really know anyone who regrets their kids, necessarily. I do know people who, at times, definitely resent them. Which is kind of sad...

    It sounds like you are thinking it through and not making any hasty decisions which is a good thing. And it is awesome your SO is supportive regardless of what you choose.

    Good luck...
    We couldn't all be cowboys, so some of us are clowns.



  6. #6
    Join Date
    Feb. 20, 2010
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    All 'round Canadia
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    I think it comes down to what you really want, and what you're likely to regret. If you put your showing on hold, will you regret that in 10-15 years? More than you'll regret not having children?

    I'm in my 30's and childfree. My brother and best friend both have little kids and we're all at my parents' now and I like spending time with the kids, but I know I prefer my role to be that of auntie. I could juggle my work to allow for kids and finances aren't an issue, and I think I could be a good mother and would love my baby, but on some level I do believe I would regret having a child. No matter how much a wonderful moment with my nephew gives me the occasional doubt.



  7. #7
    Join Date
    Oct. 22, 2006
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    255

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    I was just like you, never thought I wanted kids. Did not want kids. Did not like kids. Did not intend to get pregnant, with either child. I was married about 2 years before we got pregnant and then had another 18 months later. I sit here tonight, my kids are both in college now and If given the chance the only thing I would change is the man that was 1/2 of the equation. He is out of my life and my kids are the best part of my life for the longest time now. They grow up so very fast. You give birth, they flash that first toothless smile that will forever make you smile at memory of it, they take their first steps, say NO and mean it for the first but not the last time. You will never know what you will miss. They get to an age where they do not think they need or want you and then somehow they see you as a best friend again....
    I am in the process of selling my youngests Jr hunter now and it is very painful for me. Part of the circle of life with kids. Horses are and will always be a part of my life and I will forever miss that part where I stand at the side of the ring with my heart racing as they go in for their round. Nope...it never got easier. From SS to Jrs and Big Eq, my heart would always race. was it because I was afraid she would get hurt? No....it was honestly because I was afraid she would get scared or something and want to quit riding and then I would miss that part of our life together. I used to love a horse for its talent and competitiveness and the ribbons etc. This one I love for knowing that he would always come out of the ring with her safe and sound on top of his back. Whole different view!
    I love my horses, I love my dogs, cat bird, etc etc but none of them will ever have that place that my kids do and I NEVER thought I would feel that way. You can think you have know how to love but you never know what true love is until you love your child.
    Good luck in what ever you decide to do. The choice is yours but I can truely tell you that you can enjoy your horse life and enjoy it even more with a true partner...
    I cannot imagine what my life would be had my kids not been a part of it.



  8. #8
    Join Date
    May. 1, 2010
    Location
    Tennessee
    Posts
    83

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    Im so glad Im not the only one!!

    My problem is the SO is absolutely having kids. And no kids is a dealbreaker for him. So I need to make up my mind (If it makes a difference to anyone, we've been together 7 yrs. Back then kids were a definite GO for me. Dont know what happened to me haha)

    My reason for being on the fence is personal time. I like to travel and due to college (only been out a year and half at moment) havent traveled much yet. I have hobbies the SO doesnt participate in, so some concerns over if he would watch the kids while I run off to ride, hike, or compete with the dog. I just have this internal nightmare of being nothing but a nanny and a maid with no personal life or hobbies

    I have told the SO that I need 2 years at least before we can even consider it. Hes ok with that. Although we both know he would knock me up tommorrow if I said go (HIS biological clock is BONG BONG BONGING away )



  9. #9
    Join Date
    Aug. 4, 2008
    Posts
    122

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    Thank you to everyone posting. It is so tough, and so personal. I really appreciate the chance to be here in life, and all the wonderful things my parents have given me in my life. I just want to make sure that if I have any, I give them all the joy and opportunities that I was given.

    Its nice to have the perspectives of others while I contemplate the meaning of life. Children or self fulfillment, or does one equal both?



  10. #10
    Join Date
    Apr. 10, 2006
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    7,344

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    Quote Originally Posted by Hunter_Newbie View Post
    I just have this internal nightmare of being nothing but a nanny and a maid with no personal life or hobbies
    Then you need to marry the right dude! And if current SO isn't the kind of guy that will spend the time with the kids so you CAN pursue your hobbies, etc.... then he's not the one you want to have kids with!

    Seriously!

    There was a good thread about this on an OT day a few months back. When men are hanging out with their kids, they are not babysitting them, or watching them, THEY ARE THEIR KIDS! THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO HANG OUT WITH THEM!

    Granted it can be tough-- I'm not working much, hubby has a demanding job so he works looong hours. Which means by the time he gets home at night and he's done a 12-14 hour day it is kind of unfair to just dump the two kids on him and run. But you work it out.... on the weekends we make time for each other's hobbies, and we take turns going out on weeknights 1-2x a week.
    We couldn't all be cowboys, so some of us are clowns.



  11. #11
    Join Date
    May. 1, 2010
    Location
    Tennessee
    Posts
    83

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    FlashGordon- I didnt mean to make it seem as if SO isnt the kind of guy who wouldnt watch the kids. Im positive he would. He adores kids and is supportive of me. I just have this overactive paranoid imagination It runs off with me at times



  12. #12
    Join Date
    Apr. 10, 2006
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    7,344

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    Quote Originally Posted by Hunter_Newbie View Post
    FlashGordon- I didnt mean to make it seem as if SO isnt the kind of guy who wouldnt watch the kids. Im positive he would. He adores kids and is supportive of me. I just have this overactive paranoid imagination It runs off with me at times
    LOL ok good!

    For a minute I was like Oh Man Don't Marry That Guy!!! And Definitely Don't Have Kids With Him!!!

    PS if anyone wants a test run on the kid and domesticity thing, feel free to come by my house. We just missed Christmas because we were too busy passing the stomach flu around. Lots of laundry and crabby children, if you're up for it....
    We couldn't all be cowboys, so some of us are clowns.



  13. #13
    Join Date
    Jul. 20, 2003
    Location
    San Antonio, TX
    Posts
    2,368

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    I've always been adamant about not wanting kids. Hated babysitting, every kid that comes within 10 feet of me cries, I feel completely useless and terrified around them. I'm 31, and every now and then I get a sort of "ooh, maybe we should have a baby" feeling.

    This weekend reinforced for me that I DO NOT WANT children. Went to Christmas at DH's folks. Various nieces and nephews around, including 4 month old baby. Held baby (pretty much against my will), which immediately started crying. I have absolutely no mothering instinct, I just wanted someone else to take over ASAP. Same thing with the 2-10 age range. Can't have an intelligent conversation, they run around screaming, repeating any slightly shocking phrase to get attention, etc. I truly enjoy my nieces and nephews in small doses, but it just reinforced how completely foreign to me that lifestyle is.

    Plus, DH and I are very active people. I event, so we travel all across the southeast, which takes time and money. DH is active in sailing and competitive water-skiing. I enjoy our lives as they are. I'm not interested in sacrificing everything I enjoy to be a slave for 18 years.

    DH, on the other hand, has recently started voicing a desire to have a couple (which was NOT IN THE CONTRACT when we got married), but he's ambivalent, not set on it.

    It can be hard when everyone around you is having kids (my best friend has one now, and it does change people), but I truly believe that not everyone is cut out for it, and I think it's a good thing when people realize that.
    Jonah 4:4: And the Lord said, "Do you do well to be angry?"

    With every day that passes, college football season gets that much closer!



  14. #14
    Join Date
    Aug. 27, 2007
    Location
    PA
    Posts
    584

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    I think you are still so young - its not a do-or-die decision right now.

    I am 32, have one daughter who is 8. She is a unique, cool kid and I love her dearly and wouldn't change anything. But, knowing what I know now, I would have waited to have her. And, knowing what I know now, I am choosing to wait to have another. I know the serious time off from my horse career a baby would mean and I am just getting things to a place where I feel I am truly succeeding. And, I'm not sure I want another ever. So, I think that is my (your) answer - if you're not sure, then its a no. A child is something you want to be sure about, for their sake.



  15. #15

    Default

    I think its one of those things if you don't really, really, REALLY, REALLY want it BAD then you probably shouldn't do it! You can always adopt later, let someone else get the stretch marks!



  16. #16
    Join Date
    Apr. 29, 2005
    Location
    Paris, Kentucky
    Posts
    3,196

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    Quote Originally Posted by cllane1 View Post
    I've always been adamant about not wanting kids. Hated babysitting, every kid that comes within 10 feet of me cries, I feel completely useless and terrified around them. I'm 31, and every now and then I get a sort of "ooh, maybe we should have a baby" feeling.

    This weekend reinforced for me that I DO NOT WANT children. Went to Christmas at DH's folks. Various nieces and nephews around, including 4 month old baby. Held baby (pretty much against my will), which immediately started crying. I have absolutely no mothering instinct, I just wanted someone else to take over ASAP. Same thing with the 2-10 age range. Can't have an intelligent conversation, they run around screaming, repeating any slightly shocking phrase to get attention, etc. I truly enjoy my nieces and nephews in small doses, but it just reinforced how completely foreign to me that lifestyle is.Plus, DH and I are very active people. I event, so we travel all across the southeast, which takes time and money. DH is active in sailing and competitive water-skiing. I enjoy our lives as they are. I'm not interested in sacrificing everything I enjoy to be a slave for 18 years.

    DH, on the other hand, has recently started voicing a desire to have a couple (which was NOT IN THE CONTRACT when we got married), but he's ambivalent, not set on it.

    It can be hard when everyone around you is having kids (my best friend has one now, and it does change people), but I truly believe that not everyone is cut out for it, and I think it's a good thing when people realize that.


    That was me!!!!!!!!! I was the worst babysitter, didn't really like my neices and nephews until they could talk, no diapers! really couldn't stand to be around children at all.

    When we had our first..............OMG! The world really does change lol. I am not "babysitting", he is my buddy and my children are just my life. Everything else is just gravy.

    And FWIW, I'm still a loussssssssy babysitter to other people's children!

    I do have to say................my children are very much "little adults". I'm often told (esp by teachers) that they speak like adults and often seek out adults to have conversations with. They like to go to adult restaurants and have like sushi since they were 1 1/2 yrs old. My 8 yr old son refuses to eat off of the kids menu lol, he doesn't want chicken nuggets.
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  17. #17
    Join Date
    May. 1, 2010
    Location
    Tennessee
    Posts
    83

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    A side note on the waiting til late 30s to have kids, Im an occupational therapist who has worked with disabled kids. The hype surrounding age 35 is REAL ladies. The risk for Downs Syndrome, autism and other birth defects skyrockets after 35. Please keep this in mind, I know I am!



  18. #18
    Join Date
    Aug. 19, 2010
    Location
    Southern California
    Posts
    155

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    Quote Originally Posted by dodedo View Post
    I was just like you, never thought I wanted kids. Did not want kids. Did not like kids. Did not intend to get pregnant, with either child. I was married about 2 years before we got pregnant and then had another 18 months later. I sit here tonight, my kids are both in college now and If given the chance the only thing I would change is the man that was 1/2 of the equation. He is out of my life and my kids are the best part of my life for the longest time now. They grow up so very fast. You give birth, they flash that first toothless smile that will forever make you smile at memory of it, they take their first steps, say NO and mean it for the first but not the last time. You will never know what you will miss. They get to an age where they do not think they need or want you and then somehow they see you as a best friend again....
    I am in the process of selling my youngests Jr hunter now and it is very painful for me. Part of the circle of life with kids. Horses are and will always be a part of my life and I will forever miss that part where I stand at the side of the ring with my heart racing as they go in for their round. Nope...it never got easier. From SS to Jrs and Big Eq, my heart would always race. was it because I was afraid she would get hurt? No....it was honestly because I was afraid she would get scared or something and want to quit riding and then I would miss that part of our life together. I used to love a horse for its talent and competitiveness and the ribbons etc. This one I love for knowing that he would always come out of the ring with her safe and sound on top of his back. Whole different view!
    I love my horses, I love my dogs, cat bird, etc etc but none of them will ever have that place that my kids do and I NEVER thought I would feel that way. You can think you have know how to love but you never know what true love is until you love your child.
    Good luck in what ever you decide to do. The choice is yours but I can truely tell you that you can enjoy your horse life and enjoy it even more with a true partner...
    I cannot imagine what my life would be had my kids not been a part of it.
    So true...I've had a similar experience.

    Quote Originally Posted by cllane1 View Post
    I've always been adamant about not wanting kids. Hated babysitting, every kid that comes within 10 feet of me cries, I feel completely useless and terrified around them. I'm 31, and every now and then I get a sort of "ooh, maybe we should have a baby" feeling.

    This weekend reinforced for me that I DO NOT WANT children. Went to Christmas at DH's folks. Various nieces and nephews around, including 4 month old baby. Held baby (pretty much against my will), which immediately started crying. I have absolutely no mothering instinct, I just wanted someone else to take over ASAP. Same thing with the 2-10 age range. Can't have an intelligent conversation, they run around screaming, repeating any slightly shocking phrase to get attention, etc. I truly enjoy my nieces and nephews in small doses, but it just reinforced how completely foreign to me that lifestyle is.

    Plus, DH and I are very active people. I event, so we travel all across the southeast, which takes time and money. DH is active in sailing and competitive water-skiing. I enjoy our lives as they are. I'm not interested in sacrificing everything I enjoy to be a slave for 18 years.

    DH, on the other hand, has recently started voicing a desire to have a couple (which was NOT IN THE CONTRACT when we got married), but he's ambivalent, not set on it.

    It can be hard when everyone around you is having kids (my best friend has one now, and it does change people), but I truly believe that not everyone is cut out for it, and I think it's a good thing when people realize that.
    Kiddo, it really is different when the child is your own.

    That said ^^^ I gave up my career to have my child. Do I regret it? Sometimes. Do I hold it against her? Never. It was my choice, and I don't look back. You must be aware, though, that the sacrifices you will make are endless, and on every level, truly.

    And if you have children, you will give up lots of the things you had and did BC. For me: affluence, gallavanting, sleeping in, riding (or doing anything, for that matter) whenever or wherever I wanted, along with my professional career.

    And if you have children, you will need to be concerned with things you never had an interest in before. For me: schools, vaccinations, child-appropriate pets, other people's children, pictures made out of macaroni, among a million other things.

    And, lastly, may I add my thoughts on "waiting" until you're ready. I got caught, as I was merrily tripping through my fantastically hedonistic life, by surprise (I think my angel decided I needed to slow down) at 39. I love my daughter with all my heart, like a ferocious lioness. I know that I am especially lucky that she's horse crazy like me, so we enjoy lots of horsey time together--gotta <3 <3 <3 that! But if I were to do it over again, I would (1) carefully CHOOSE the father (that's another long story...), and (2) have had my baby when I was younger. By the time my dear heart arrived, my mom was in her late 60s, and I found out I really needed and enjoyed her help, as did my daughter, but it's much tougher on grandma than if she were a decade younger. BTW...it's tougher on me too. If I had her when I was, say, 30, I would be better able, with more working years, to rebound from the child-induced poverty (think: retiring about the same time a child is in college), plus I wouldn't be having my "personal summers" while my daughter is going through puberty...BAD idea.

    I was perfectly happy being childless; I am perfectly happy with my choice to have my daughter.



  19. #19
    Join Date
    Mar. 28, 2006
    Location
    Oregon
    Posts
    3,373

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    I haven't read anyone else's responses yet........

    BUT.... if there's any part of you that *thinks* you want kids, I would encourage you to go for it. There's nothing in the world that can compare to enlarging your family, having more people "on your team", so to speak. Do a good job raising them, and you'll have friends for life. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

    Edited to add one more thing..... other people's children are NOT the same as your own. I have never been particularly comfortable around other people's kids -- but my own are a completely different story. I have fabulous kids. I wouldn't trade them for all the travel and hobbies and success in the world. All that stuff will be there later, when they are older. They aren't little forever (really, it goes by sooooooo fast).
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  20. #20
    Join Date
    Mar. 9, 2006
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    1,162

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    I feel like I could have written the OP. I'm pretty much on the other side of the fence though.

    I've never had a burning desire to have kids and it's never really changed. My clock is just about out, so we probably will remain childfree. But I've thought years about this very thing and never really came up with a definite answer.

    I really, really like how my life is now. I like kids, but just not too sure I'd like that lifestyle for the rest of my life. It seems to me it's not just the 18 years, but the rest of your life you will be needed by your children.

    It's a huge commitment and I take heart when people advise if you don't really, really want it maybe don't do it.

    What I don't understand is people who have kids on a whim. It's so life changing, that I can't even begin to think casually about it. Good for you for giving it thought.



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