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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Oct. 24, 2005
    Pullman, Washington

    Default My mom has cancer...

    ... and I just f^*king lost it.

    And I feeling incredibly selfish and childish about it.

    I've known for about a week now. I was told on a car ride and manged to keep it together until I was in my own car and I cried a bit. I got to the house I am house sitting over break (alone), called my best friend and cried some more. I thought about it a lot.

    But today was hard and somethings were said that I couldn't handle and I just lost it.

    I have a whole list of complicated and abstract reasons to why I feel bad but instead of posting them I'll just say it boils down to being angry in a few different ways, and that those angry feelings get complicated because I wonder why they're there and why I can't be all "My mom has cancer and that sucks" and cry in front of my family or hug someone or want to talk to someone other than my 15yo brother who coincidentally doesn't want to talk to anyone about it.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jan. 31, 2003


    I'm so sorry. You can cry and carry on here all you need too, we will hold you up.
    "Kindness is free" ~ Eurofoal
    The CoTH CYA - please consult w/your veterinarian under any and all circumstances.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Aug. 15, 2008


    Sending you a PM.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Oct. 20, 2008
    Florida, USA


    I am so sorry
    Don't beat yourself up for being angry... a lot of people start at anger before going anywhere else... it can be the shock, the settling of the news, etc...
    Good luck to you... and if you need an ear (that does not know you and will not judge you)- I'll be happy to give you my cell number.. you can just call and vent...
    Hugs going your way...
    Proudly living in my "let's save the world bubble"!

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Dec. 7, 2010


    Lots of hugs to you. Really, don't feel bad about your reaction. It is totally healthy to freak out, be pissed, be unreasonable, be whatever you feel like being. And I know how hard it is to not be able to break down. Sometimes just being able to fully experience what you are feeling helps you cope and when that's stifled it's impossible to deal with.

    And like jumpingmaya said, sometimes it really is easier to just be able to talk, rant, scream, cry, vent or whatever at someone who is not involved in the situation at all, and will let you feel. Sometimes you don't want help, you just want to hear: That sucks and I'm so sorry.

    It must be hard for you and I'm not even going to pretend like I know what it feels like, because I don't. But you know we are all pulling for you and those you love.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Oct. 15, 2005
    Chesapeake, Virginia

    Default have nothing to feel selfish or childish about. There is no right way or wrong way to feel....everyone deals with such news differently. Actually, everyone goes through many stages of emotions.....these are feelings that you have never experienced before, so, yes, it is hard to know how to deal with them.

    I am so sorry about your mom.....I was in your shoes 7 years ago. Should you need to vent, please feel free to PM me.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jan. 26, 2001


    Somebody asked me the other day what it was like to be told you had cancer. You can not discribe it. I should think it would be the same to be told that your loved one has cancer. there is no right way to act.
    I can tell you that some days will be so hard, but then you will find your way through it. PM me or come on here and just blast your feelings out. We will help you. So sorry, hugs, and cancer sucks.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Jun. 10, 2001
    Rising Sun, Maryland, USA


    Hugs. Cancer sucks... Rainbows & Mourning Doves Blog
    John P. Smith II 1973-2009 Love Always
    Father, Husband, Friend, Firefighter- Cancer Sucks- Cure Melanoma

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Dec. 4, 2002
    Dungeon of the Ivory Tower


    Quote Originally Posted by Long Spot View Post
    Sending you a PM.
    Me too.
    a 501(c)3 organization helping 501(c)3 equine rescues

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Nov. 23, 1999


    <3 to you at this difficult time. All the <3 we have.

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Jun. 19, 2001
    Pacific NW


    Another PM. Feel free to call me. I mean it.

  12. #12
    SamJhon77 Guest


    Fell Sorry for you Amchara...It's really sucks..This is very hard period for you..and don't feel about reaction it's normally come out whenever you heard that your dear one is in trouble...
    Feel free to share your emotions. It'll helpful to you.

  13. #13


    Been down this road. 6 or 7 times. I will tell you your mom is still your mom so it's ok to cry on her shoulder. Moms still want to be moms. Hugs. Cancer sucks, but focus on having a fighting spirit and go to war. My mom used to go to her chemo appts in costume. Why? Made it easier to deal with. Shed spend all week planning her costume and the nurses and other patients loved the levity she brought. Some days you mock your enemy, some you cry, some you give it the finger. There is no one right way, but mentally choosing to fight seems to make a big difference. Did for my mom anyway. Hugs.
    "You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars;
    you have a right to be here." ~ Desiderata by Max Ehrmann

  14. #14
    Join Date
    Jan. 4, 2007


    I understand why you are so conflicted, because cancer means so many things, so many bad ones.
    Then, once over the shock of the diagnosis, you start to realize that cancer is just one more of many things happening and you start dealing with it.

    A 44 year cowboy, an old friend, was diagnosed with terminal colon cancer, had spread to his liver, was given weeks, a few months at best, after surgery to get all they could and chemo and radiation.
    I used to go take him books to read thru his treatments and he was always in a good spirit.
    What do you know, he went into remission, eventually they could not find any more cancer and he was cancer free for 12 more years, when a colt he was starting got scared, reared, flipped over on him, killing him.
    We just don't know what will happen, do we.

    I would not worry, just be there helping your mother thru this, focus on her now.
    If you need some help, see about talking to a professional.
    Counselors are there just for people like you, that need a little bit of clearing their heads in situations full of confusing emotions as you are in and will go thru.

  15. #15
    Join Date
    Nov. 12, 2001
    Dry Ridge, KY USA


    The greatest gift that you can give your Mom, during this awful time in your lives, is the gift of listening.

    My Dad just wanted to put his head in the sand and believe that it just was not happening. My Mom was lost without someone with whom to talk. A good friend of hers called me one day, because I was acting just like my Dad. She is the person who told me to "give my Mom the gift of listening".

    There may be things that she does not want to share, but there may be many things that she does. It is very hard, as a daughter, to be brave enough to do this, but please give it a try?

    Through her ordeal, I became a much stronger person. Every person who has experienced cancer, myself included, must deal with the stress in their own way. Cry when you feel like crying. Vent here, when you need to vent. Always try to be there for her. You will never regret it.

    I am truly sorry that you are going through this.
    When in Doubt, let your horse do the Thinking!

  16. #16
    Join Date
    May. 3, 2007
    Flagstaff, Arizona


    Quote Originally Posted by EqTrainer View Post
    I'm so sorry. You can cry and carry on here all you need too, we will hold you up.
    We will!

    My Mom had Breast Cancer and the emotions and fears are horrible.I felt selfish and angry and mad and believe it or not,hopeful.She had surgery 13 years ago and is fine now.My family and I were lucky.

    I wish I could take you out for coffee,tea,or a drink.Since I can't ,my advice is to cry your heart out.Read sad post,watch sad movies,read sad books.It will make you feel better and share.That is what a community is for.To help ease your burden.

    Hugs to you.
    Equine Art capturing the essence of the grace,strength, and beauty of the Sport Horse."

  17. #17
    Join Date
    Dec. 7, 2001
    Cullowhere?, NC


    There is no inappropriate reaction to cancer. Cancer sucks, it is impossible to understand why it strikes where it does, and there is nothing good about it.

    That said, arm yourself with knowledge from reputable sources. Do what you need to for yourself--including venting in the most "childish" or "inappropriate" ways; you're entitled. Then, gather all the suport you can, and just ... soldier on. Loss of control is terrifying, and that's one thing that cancer always is.

    Best of luck to you and to your Mom. We're here for you when you need us. I'm another BTDT, please contact me if you need another ear/virtual shoulder.
    "One person's cowboy is another person's blooming idiot" -- katarine

    Spay and neuter. Please.

  18. #18
    Join Date
    Jan. 5, 2006
    The Bluegrass


    Sending you hugs, and I agree with those who have said that there is no "correct" way to respond to this kind of news. Just be kind to yourself and your mom.

  19. #19
    Join Date
    Jul. 23, 2006
    Stockbridge, Michigan


    Hugs to you Amchara.

    Alison (who's mother is now marking 10 years cancer free)
    I recognized with despair that I was about to be compelled to buy a horse ~
    Edith Somerville and "Martin Ross"

    "Momma" to Tiempo, Tucker and Puff, RIP my beautiful Norman 8/2012

  20. #20
    Join Date
    Aug. 22, 2000


    Initially, we all need to get over the shock of it. The very word causes a reaction and we need time to process, each in their own way.

    I have found it works best to think of "living with cancer" rather than "suffering from cancer" or any of the other terms. Depending upon the situation,(disease stage and treatments) one may go on living almost the same. If so, this is the time to do fun stuff. Take your clue from your mom - ask if she wants to talk, but also give her some normal time.

    When my mom was in treatment we did as much of the usual stuff and a bit more fun stuff when she felt up to it. If you like to shop together, do that. Just be prepared to make the trips shorter and use shopping carts to lean on etc when necessary. Eventually I would just take her for a drive. My mom would talk frankly about her situation (my dad was in denial) as that was her choice - your mom may want you to act "normally". You may need to cry on the way home, but I think our good times helped both of us.

    Until you know the extent and outlook (and even then) remember that cancer is often treatable and even cureable. I am a cancer survivor as is my sister. Even my mom survived three kinds of cancer. It was the fourth one that got her.

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