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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Oct. 31, 2010
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    Default I think my husband is GAY! :(

    What a great day for off-topic day. I have created this alter and I'm just going to jump right in.

    I think my husband might be gay. I was using his computer and when I went to type in my url, I had gotten as far as the www. and a few different gay porn sites came up, all with related content you know? This is not the only thing that leads me to believe this, it's more like the final thing.

    My marriage sucks, has been more of a roommate kind of relationship, we don't have sex, it's not much of a partnership, I pay the bills, etc. I have suspected he was gay but he won't admit it. I, of course, would not be MAD at him for this... if this is who he is, then it's who he is, but I really want him to come clean with me so he can let me go. I'm miserable. So do I take these porn sites as pretty proof positive? What do I do? How can I get him to come clean with me? I so don't know what to do!!!! Never had to deal with this kind of situation before and I'm lost.

    Does anyone have any insight? Ugh.
    Last edited by KCINTOLB; Oct. 31, 2010 at 01:00 PM. Reason: Typo!



  2. #2
    Join Date
    Oct. 21, 2003
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    8,698

    Default

    I would file for divorce if I found a bunch of gay porn on the computer personally, especially if I was unhappy in the marriage and already had real doubts. It will most likely come out in honest divorce proceedings when he knows for sure the marriage is over IMO.



  3. #3
    Join Date
    Oct. 3, 2007
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    PA
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    Default

    Wow. I've known a few people that have had this happen to them. Both men and women and it is never easy. Do you have children? If you do it will complicate things a bit but only in how you decide to handle telling them about the split.

    I would non-confrontationally tell him what you found. Be honest and tell him that how you feel ie that the marriage hasn't been much of marriage anyway and that you certainly are not judging him if he is, in fact, gay and then take it from there.

    As long as it was not kiddie porn he was looking at he shouldn't have anything to be ashamed of (other than getting caught) and hopefully you can start a conversation that can lead to an easy division of assets and you can remain friends. I've seen it work that way.



  4. #4
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    Jan. 26, 2001
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    NC
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    4,431

    Default

    the only part that matters is the "I am miserable". What will make you happy? this is your one life. How are you going to fix this. Imagine your ideal life. Is husband in it? It might not matter whether he is gay.



  5. #5
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    Feb. 6, 2003
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    NorthEast
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    Default

    What did you type after the www.? Because you need at least a letter or two after the dot to get a related history drop down menu.
    I've accidentally come up with gay porn before...but that was my own stupid mistake when I wanted to see if I could find nearby hockey nets for a hay bag and typed in Dick's. Didn't think I should've typed in Dick'sSports.
    I wanted to boil my computer after that one.

    Is the only other indication the lack of a physical relationship?

    I agree with Shea'smom that the important part is that you're miserable. The next step would be to talk to him and find out if he's miserable too. No need to get into the sexual orientation at that point, it's not that unusual for men or women to lose interest in sex or develop a low libido. Could be psychological or medical. Or depression. ED. Any number of things. Bringing up sexual orientation will just make him defensive and the discussion won't go anywhere.
    You jump in the saddle,
    Hold onto the bridle!
    Jump in the line!
    ...Belefonte



  6. #6
    Join Date
    Nov. 2, 2001
    Location
    Packing my bags
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    33,602

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by MistyBlue View Post
    What did you type after the www.? Because you need at least a letter or two after the dot to get a related history drop down menu.
    I've accidentally come up with gay porn before...but that was my own stupid mistake when I wanted to see if I could find nearby hockey nets for a hay bag and typed in Dick's. Didn't think I should've typed in Dick'sSports.
    I wanted to boil my computer after that one.

    Is the only other indication the lack of a physical relationship?

    I agree with Shea'smom that the important part is that you're miserable. The next step would be to talk to him and find out if he's miserable too. No need to get into the sexual orientation at that point, it's not that unusual for men or women to lose interest in sex or develop a low libido. Could be psychological or medical. Or depression. ED. Any number of things. Bringing up sexual orientation will just make him defensive and the discussion won't go anywhere.

    LOL, depending on the settings, a single letter can do it for you. I mean, one would not bother me, heck I pulled a gay site up ones, no nekked people tho, but it was in connection with something like lotion, it was worse than nekked people, but I do have an active imagination!

    But yeah, the 'I'm not happy, we don't have a partnership' is kind of the selling point....
    Quote Originally Posted by Bristol Bay View Post
    Try setting your broomstick to fly at a lower altitude.



  7. #7
    Join Date
    Feb. 20, 2010
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    All 'round Canadia
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    5,950

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by KCINTOLB View Post
    but I really want him to come clean with me so he can let me go. I'm miserable.
    Uhhh...why do you care if he's gay, or bi? You're miserable in this relationship, you want to leave, why does it matter if he's gay or the most hetero man to ever walk the earth? If you want to leave, leave.

    I would understand if you wanted to stay in the marriage, but you don't. You just want a reason to leave, and he's refusing to admit it and give you that reason.

    But why are you looking for any reason other than "I'm miserable"?



  8. #8
    Join Date
    Jun. 24, 2005
    Location
    Alabama
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    9,279

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    If you feel like roommates, don't really have an emotional connection, and feel miserable then why would you consider staying anyway? Life is too short to be miserable. I don't care how long you've been married, what it will take to divorce, or why you want out-you deserve to be in a relationship where you feel valued, loved and appreciated. I don't think living alone is so scary that I would stay in an empty, lonely relationship. You deserve to be happy.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White



  9. #9
    Join Date
    Mar. 4, 2004
    Location
    Louisville, KY
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    4,023

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by MistyBlue View Post
    What did you type after the www.? Because you need at least a letter or two after the dot to get a related history drop down menu.
    I've accidentally come up with gay porn before...but that was my own stupid mistake when I wanted to see if I could find nearby hockey nets for a hay bag and typed in Dick's. Didn't think I should've typed in Dick'sSports.
    I wanted to boil my computer after that one.
    I've done the same thing. Who would have thought that dicks.com was not necessarily sporting goods?

    OP, sorry you're unhappy. And good luck to you whatever you decide.

    Caitlin
    Caitlin
    *OMGiH I Loff my Mare* and *My Saddlebred Can Do Anything Your Horse Can Do*
    http://community.webshots.com/user/redmare01



  10. #10
    Join Date
    Oct. 28, 2008
    Location
    UK
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    836

    Default

    OP, I think some honesty is called for, I'm sure it'll be hard, but sitting down with him and saying more or less what you've said here, seems to be the way to go.

    I'd personally, if I were in this situation, consider writing it down and leaving him to think about what to say for a while. Sometimes starting a conversation like this can lead to an immediate denial just out of shame/guilt/surprise and that just makes it harder for him to 'backtrack' - but you know him better.

    Personally, whether you write it down, or say it, for now I'd leave out how unhappy it makes you - because his current 'denial' behaviour may be rooted in a misplaced desire to make you happy. I'd also leave out the 'let me go', that sounds like you want out whether he's gay or not. If that's the case, then be honest about your feelings and leave questioning his sexuality.

    If you can, talk unemotionally about how you feel more room-mates than lovers, how you have thought xyz... how the porn has made you feel. How you want him to be him - whatever that may be.

    Then maybe, depending on how things have gone so far, how unhappy the not knowing is making you feel...

    You've been really brave writing about this; you certainly aren't alone in this situation and have had the courage and strength to see that getting mad isn't going to help. If you can do that, then you have the strength to start discussing it and the life changes that this might mean for you both.



  11. #11
    Join Date
    Oct. 2, 2007
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    Beyond the pale.
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    OK-You pay the bills, you are not getting any unless you supply yourself and you are not happy about it. You want him to let go of you. Why should he- gay straight or celibate- when you're picking up the tab?

    signs he might be worth hanging onto:

    he cooks,
    he cleans house
    he does laundry...all without being asked
    He dresses well and smells nice
    he has a flair for keeping the house presentable
    he's kind to children and animals

    you could have worse room-mates.


    As for the porn thing? I have this popup blocker that sometimes registers the sites it has blocked. So I've never seen the gay popups, but the are on my history when I check. Most people who are surfing porn at home and don't want their spouse to know will erase the history- I wonder if it was something innocent like that?


    Many men even straight ones, are curious or turned on by gay or bi porn although they might not want to actually engage IRL.

    You are in a vulnerable position here if you have paid for everything the two of you own together. Dissolving the marriage in our region would mean a 50/50 division of all properties regardless of who paid.

    I am thinking you should drag him to a counsellor and discuss the unhappiness in your relationship before giong to that drastic step.
    "The Threat of Internet Ignorance: ... we are witnessing the rise of an age of equestrian disinformation, one where a trusting public can graze on nonsense packaged to look like fact."-LRG-AF



  12. #12
    Join Date
    Feb. 6, 2003
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    NorthEast
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    Default

    I've done the same thing. Who would have thought that dicks.com was not necessarily sporting goods?
    Oh thank goodness I'm not the only one who's done that! I called my sister (who's a computer genius) to come erase or redo or whatever it is computer geeks do after that fiasco because all I could think of was something happens to me and someone needs my computer history and finds that! My sister and husband were both like, "How did you think typing in dicks.com would bring up anything else???" Hell, everyone calls the store Dicks. Not Dicks Sporting Goods. So I typed dicks.

    OP...I'm not saying you shouldn't care if your spouse is homosexual or not. Anyone would care. That's a tough thing for anyone to go through.

    What I am suggesting is finding out the most important thing: If you're both miserable. If you both are...then explore why. It might turn out he is hay, or he might not be. Or he might be just curious. Or the idea might turn him on as a fantasty but never as a reality. I just personally wouldn't bring it up into conversation until you both know where each other stands on the basics of the relationship. Bringing it up too early will sound like an accusation and all communication will just shut down and neither of you will get anywhere. It will sound to him as if you're either insulting him or blaming him for something and neither an insult or placing blame help anyone open up and be honest.
    You jump in the saddle,
    Hold onto the bridle!
    Jump in the line!
    ...Belefonte



  13. #13
    Join Date
    Oct. 2, 2007
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    Beyond the pale.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Misty Blue
    It might turn out he is hay
    in which case, your horses should love him. If he also mucks the barn and grooms horses, more reasons to keep him.
    "The Threat of Internet Ignorance: ... we are witnessing the rise of an age of equestrian disinformation, one where a trusting public can graze on nonsense packaged to look like fact."-LRG-AF



  14. #14
    Join Date
    Mar. 4, 2004
    Location
    Louisville, KY
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    4,023

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    Quote Originally Posted by MistyBlue View Post
    Oh thank goodness I'm not the only one who's done that! I called my sister (who's a computer genius) to come erase or redo or whatever it is computer geeks do after that fiasco because all I could think of was something happens to me and someone needs my computer history and finds that! My sister and husband were both like, "How did you think typing in dicks.com would bring up anything else???" Hell, everyone calls the store Dicks. Not Dicks Sporting Goods. So I typed dicks.
    Yup . I was ordering my hubby (then fiance) a birthday gift, and was quite surprised at the results. Hubby thought it was hilarious.

    Caitlin
    Caitlin
    *OMGiH I Loff my Mare* and *My Saddlebred Can Do Anything Your Horse Can Do*
    http://community.webshots.com/user/redmare01



  15. #15
    Join Date
    Feb. 6, 2003
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    NorthEast
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    Default

    Originally Posted by Misty Blue
    It might turn out he is hay
    in which case, your horses should love him. If he also mucks the barn and grooms horses, more reasons to keep him.
    LMAO...the typo strikes again.

    RedMare...so your husband didn't want any gifts from the sites you found?
    At least yours laughed...mine was horrified that I'd have that on my computer history, LOL!
    You jump in the saddle,
    Hold onto the bridle!
    Jump in the line!
    ...Belefonte



  16. #16
    Join Date
    Oct. 31, 2010
    Posts
    25

    Default

    Well, it's like this. The next letter after www. was "u". It brought up three different sites of gay men, boys c*cks, and men creaming twinks. I found out what twinks means, and from what I understand, it means young men (think teenagers). It was a bunch of older men with young boys, and there were pics (my daughter clicked the link). He ALWAYS deletes his history. I know this because I would go to go back to a page I had visited before he used the computer and it was gone. Seems this was an oversight on his part. He told me a long time ago.... before we were married.... that he was gay. I let it (and him) go. Then he came back and said he just said that because he didn't want to be in a relationship at the time, and it was his m.o. to keep women at bay. I bought it. But once we married and the sex was non-existant, the intimacy was not there, etc., I started to wonder, but again, I just let it go. This just seems to be the icing on the cake.

    As for what he does. HA! That list was funny (whoever posted it). He DOES clean the house, cook, decorate, clean stalls (but not without complaining to others that he has to do it - and I never ever expected it from him or asked him to do it). The thing is, if that's what I wanted, I could hire someone, you know?

    Why don't I just leave? I guess I'm scared. I'm afraid to hurt him... so yeah, I've been taking the easy way by waiting for him to do something that would make it "excusable". I am NOT afraid to be alone. I have spent most of my adult life on my own, raising my daughter. She's now an adult and has a child of her own, which is why I let myself get into this relationship and inevitably marry. Now, I just kinda wish I was on my own again.

    This is so damn hard. I need to find a counselor. My husband does NOT communicate... trying to talk to him about ANYTHING causes him to get angry and storm off in a huff. So, trying to talk to him is impossible. It's like that Reba McIntire song... "Consider me Gone". Anytime I try to talk about anything but the weather, he shuts down and runs away.

    I suspected this... and it really is OK... but for God's sake, let's not be miserable here. I wish I could talk to him.



  17. #17
    Join Date
    Mar. 12, 2006
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    2,168

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    I would start proceedings to split. Looking back on my own life I wish I could recover the time lost on bad relationships. They don't get better, they either stay the same or get worse.
    "All top hat and no canter". *Graureiter*



  18. #18
    Join Date
    Oct. 31, 2010
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    25

    Default

    Hm. I do have gay friends and gay family members, perhaps I should talk to one of them. I did that when he initially told me he was gay and my cousin who is also gay, said that a straight man would never say he was gay to get rid of a woman. He would use a different excuse.

    Damn. Damn. Damn.



  19. #19
    Join Date
    Dec. 31, 2000
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    El Paso, TX
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    13,273

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    If a man says he is gay and then says "no, I just said that"...he's gay.

    A simple test-

    1) Does he check out men's butts more than you?

    2) Does he get excited when you only sleep on your stomach?

    3) Is he the one who chooses the dust ruffle for the bed? Does he know what a dust ruffle is?

    4) Does he frequently pepper his conversations with the word "Fabulous"?

    4) Has he ever asked you if a certain article of clothing made him look fat?

    5) Does he have more grooming products than you? Does he know what an exfoliator is?

    6) Does he decorate your house more than you?

    7) Has he ever referred to one of his friend's as "my boyfriend, "X""?

    8) Does he like women who have "boyish" figures?

    9) Has he ever said he'd love to visit Thailand?

    10) Does he know what Creme Brulee is? Can he make it?


    If you answer yes to any of the above...You might have more in common with him than you thought....You both like the same things...MEN.



  20. #20
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    Oct. 26, 2010
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gestalt View Post
    I would start proceedings to split. Looking back on my own life I wish I could recover the time lost on bad relationships. They don't get better, they either stay the same or get worse.
    Oh, 10-4, 10-4!! (remember, I'm a big rig driver so I get to say that a lot) After reading the whole post, I say start the proceedings. I think my ex is AC/DC and it took me a while to go off on my own. Some folks on this board know my story and it ain't purty. However, if I hadn't done the deed (divorce) I wouldn't have the most-of-the-time wonderful man I have now (who is out hunting elk and I'm stuck in a motel room, on the internet).

    You only have one life and it's too short to spend being/doing what you don't want to be. Call the lawyer.
    GR24's Musing #19 - Save the tatas!!



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