Imagine you just found out that you were pregnant.
Really take some time to try to put yourself in that hypothetical moment.
Then really try to believe that you are going to have a baby....
Focus on the strongest feeling that you become aware of when you believe that you are going to have a baby.
Once you have that feeling, focus on it, and ask yourself "what is the truth of the way I feel".
Then see if an answer immediately comes to you.
I didn't even read the rest of the responses, but I am with PerchX 100%.
I always thought I did NOT want kids. Ever ever ever. Icky. Then, just this last May, I was late. Like, a few weeks late. First I was in denial, then I had the "umm.... I'm late" talk with my boyfriend (of 7 years). Preg test ended up being negative, and then my period decided to show up a couple days later.
Yes, part of me was relieved (I'm in my final year of college- I needed a serious career overhaul) but then, deep down, I was also a little sad, which was unnerving.
It took me another month of pondering this to conclude that if I'm in a better place in a few more years, it might be something I'd be willing to look into again. And The Boy totally surprised me. I was expecting him to FREAK OUT, but he was wonderful and supportive and totally cool with the whole thing. So now our "nope, no way" has turned into a "maybe someday."
But it took a little bit of a "scare" (I prefer to call it a "wake-up call") to reach this conclusion.
Thank you ALL for your responses, I certainly appreciate and feel that I'm not alone!! I'm like some of you said, not the type to hold other peoples babies and feel rather uncomfortable about it. In college my friends always joked I'd be the person who had 4 different birth controls in place! Other peoples children almost always annoy me (there are some kids that I do like), they are out of control.....I always think holy crap what would I do if mine was like that, whether I'm looking at a 3 year old, or a crazy teen......also the $$ part is terrifying. DH and I have a house that is currently a bit higher on our budget (not that we can't afford it, but not a whole lot of extra to go around every month) however I anticipate things to change in the next couple of years regarding our income, however you never know. Also on top of everything everyone is commenting when are we having kids, and that I'm getting mighty old!!
Reiter, I certainly appreciate it, (when I'm rereading this its coming across sarcastically but I don't mean it to be sarcastic at all, I do appreciate bringing it up!!!) but assure you things are very good in my marriage....I think part of my now insecurities are he said recently he didn't think I wanted kids.....and that was fine with him (I think it stemmed from someone passing a baby off to me). Things are great with us, and I know we'd lose our independence......and that terrifies me! Also I'm a total pansy and am slightly terrified of actually having a baby as well!
I don't want and have never wanted kids. No interest in babies, and I have a rather demanding career (medical student) plus the horses. I have come to the conclusion that women with busy careers should think really, really hard about the kids decision, and forget what Mom/MIL/society says about "it's the best, most amazing thing you'll ever do and nothing else in your life matters if you dont' reproduce." From what I've seen, it's just miserable to combine kids and a busy career. Maybe it can be done, but everything I've observed has made me run screaming to the childfree side.
One of my friends is also in 3rd year of medical school, but has a 1 year old. She has a supportive husband, and her mother lives closeby and watches the baby a lot. The baby has always been a good, quiet baby, or so they say (they're all criers and screamers to me!). Still, it all just seems stressful and awful to me. She's constantly stressed that she's either behind in her studying or missing her kid from working long hours in the hospital or getting upset that her exam grade was barely passing b/c kid got sick the week of the exam. If I come home late on a call night, or have to work nights, I can sleep when I'm at home, lock the cats out of the bedroom and crash. My friend works an overnight shift, but her kid still wants attention when she comes home after 30+ hours. I'm a bit tired, but she's exhausted. When I have an early day, I go out to the barn. My friend's bday present this year (when baby was around 8 months) was 2 hours in which her husband watched the kid and she got to take a walk by herself--no joke. A whole 2 hours in 8 months! She never gets any time for herself, and that would drive me bonkers.
The night shift intern on the floor I'm currently assigned to is first trimester preggers. Early in the morning, just when the morning sickness hits, is inevitably when she gets paged for some 4am emergency, real or imagined. It's become a joke about how she's always late to the 7am shift change sign-out because she's off puking. It just sucks for her at the moment.
Sorry to be a downer, but I haven't seen anything that would make me think for even a second that having a kid in my situation would be a good thing to do.
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Mara, I'm 5 1/2 months pregnant with twins! I didn't need to hear that!
Twins are AWESOME! The money quote got me when I read it, too, but the price per child goes down when you have more than one - that's because it includes things like moving into a bigger house because you need more space - often you won't need ANOTHER bigger house when you add a second child.
Congrats on the twins. Our boys are 14 months old now and SO. MUCH. FUN.
I think part of my now insecurities are he said recently he didn't think I wanted kids.....and that was fine with him
If he's serious, and not just saying it to make you feel better or to open a discussion, what's the problem? Ultimately, this is a decision where both of you should either be 110% on board with having kids and go pop out some rugrats OR you should continue to enjoy your lives as DINKs and not regret the 'path not taken'. This decision will change your life one way or another, and you don't get to have it both ways.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with couples who decide not to have children. IMOHO, it's really not fair to anyone if kids are brought into the world and both parents aren't enthusiastic about it. My parents had 3 kids (youngest and oldest unplanned), and my mom made it clear that she hated and resented being a mother. Our dad, OTOH, wanted more kids. I'm seeing the same pattern with my sister and BIL. They have one child, and BIL HATES being a father and has said he wished they'd never had a child. Sis wants a ton of kids and is unhappy only having one. It put a lot of stress on both marriages, and is really rough on kids knowing that one parent doesn't want them.
I'm not sure I agree with those that say you should be absolutely 100% sure you want one. I wasn't .. I was scared to death! I didn't know if I'd be a good mom, how it'd change our lives (we'd enjoyed 3 years of just US) I wasn't even 100% sure I LIKED kids, I was never the "kid type" either because I'd never really been around them, instead mostly in the company of peers or adults.
I have 2 children (the second time around it was easier to be 100% sure )
Nothing can prepare you for the depth of love and fear you will endure once you are a parent. I read once it was described as if your heart was walking around outside your body and it's true.
For me, when my 1st son was born it was instant love and being a mother came very naturally Up until the moment he was born I was STILL having doubts! my instincts kicked in immediately ....but it isn't that way for everyone, and that's OK too! And yes , of course there were down days too!
Don't put so much pressure on yourself. if you are 90 % sure go for it, relax and allow it to happen as it will. You may have to adjust to being a mom, or it may come to you the moment that baby is placed on your belly ugly and wet either way, it is normal and you will both be OK.
think of the maiden mare when she has her first foal at least we have the luxury of knowledge we can be prepared beyond just relying on instincts
If you are 90% sure you don't want kids.. then don't do it.. but nothing is absolute and there is never really a "right time" so don't wait around for that.
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SportNCurls, it sounds like you, as an individual, were okay with the decision to have kids and deal with whatever that could bring. Even if you weren't quite sure you were up to the task. That, to me, *is* 100% being on board with parenthood.
IMO, someone not 100% on board is the person who, deep down, doesn't want their life to go in that direction but let someone else (spouse, parent, 'society', peer pressure, whatever) push them into it. They know it's the wrong choice for them, try to convince themselves otherwise, and often end up resenting where they end up.
I do think the gut-check of "imagine if you were pregnant right now, how would you honestly feel" is a very good barometer.
As others have said, there is no right or wrong answer to this. But this is the one issue for which there is absolutely no compromise as a couple, so it definitely is worthy of a lot of thought and discussion. I applaud you for wanting to really think about this. Sometimes it seems to me that people put more thought into what car they buy than into whether or not they should have children.
There is no right or wrong answer.
It will not "fix" anything.
If I hadn't had an oops child I never would have done it.
I was scared to death - didn't think I'd be a good mom yada yada.
I too was in love the minute I saw him.
There is never a "good" time to have children - there are 1001 reasons why not to.
I was also the one that never was sure I would have kids. So how did I manage to end up with 4??? LOL Two of my own and 2 stepkids. I love them all.
You truly run the gamut of emotions and some days - especially when they hit the teens you wish you could stuff them in a barrel and leave a hole in it to throw food in until they hit 21 and then you might let them out.
Yes I really do love them but they are NOT to be taken lightly.
well I posted on this subject the last few times it came up so I won't do a whole long post. The net net is that when I found out I was pregnant, I was TERRIFIED. Terrified. Not happy, not glowing, terrified.
Now, almost 9 yrs later, I think every day how hollow my life would be if I didn't have my twins (yep twins). Life just takes on a whole 'nother dimension when you have kids that honestly you don't know you're missing before you have them.
Oh and encouraging and watching my little girl ride brings me more happiness than riding myself
So I've been watiing to post this on a OT day. I've been married 4 years and am 33 and hubby is 34. We had discussed children before we were married and we both agreed that we wanted children. He seemed surprised when I said this when we were dating and said he didn't think I was the kid type (I'm not the oh look at the baby glow....), but he was glad and I truly meant it. However now I'm having a few second thoughts, and am not sure I want to have kids. I don't know whether or not I'm scared, or if I truly don't want kids. Its obviously a huge thing and I don't want to regret it either way!! We are obviously not getting any younger and feel its something we need to decide sooner than later!!!
kids are long term commitment and will be with you for the rest of your life
its how you bring them up wether they turn out good or bad
and as you havent had any - there nothing to be scared off
its a natural course of events but its not having kids thats your problem
it having the commitment that is, babies are 24/7 when 1st born and young
they are enjoying loving and there nothing like it in the world , as its new life and a life that you have made your own flesh and blood
and they take prefrence over everything esle as as your here your wondering how the horses fit in and work etc, rountine my girl rountine get that done and sorted then there no stopping you
haha and its a bloody funny feeling when your babies have babies like mine did my grnadson is now 5 and brillient little chap