So I've been watiing to post this on a OT day. I've been married 4 years and am 33 and hubby is 34. We had discussed children before we were married and we both agreed that we wanted children. He seemed surprised when I said this when we were dating and said he didn't think I was the kid type (I'm not the oh look at the baby glow....), but he was glad and I truly meant it. However now I'm having a few second thoughts, and am not sure I want to have kids. I don't know whether or not I'm scared, or if I truly don't want kids. Its obviously a huge thing and I don't want to regret it either way!! We are obviously not getting any younger and feel its something we need to decide sooner than later!!!
There was a long thread last off topic day about a similar thing, lots of good info, are off topic threads archived somewhere?? I wonder if it is searchable....
Anyway... kids... are amazing. And fun. And I love mine to death, and wouldn't change a thing.
They are also expensive, time consuming, and hard work. Right now, my two little ones take up my WHOLE life. Like, all day, all night, I don't even sleep more than 2 hours at a time right now! I can't shower, or even pee by myself, most of the time. AHHH! It makes me crazy occasionally!
Have I scared you yet?
At the same time.... honestly... I cannot imagine my life without them, wouldn't want to. They are my heart and they bring so much color to our little family. And they grow so quick, I know in a blink of an eye they are going to be adults themselves.... And then I will be missing the days when I didn't sleep, couldn't go to the bathroom alone, spent hours changing diapers, cleaning up messes, driving to activities... etc....
My advice would be to think long and hard. Talk to hubby about it. Talk to friends and family who have kids, and friends who don't. Borrow some kids for a day, or two, if you can. (even though the kid thing is different when you know you can give them back to their parents!!)
There is no right or wrong answer. You gotta do what is best for YOU and your husband. If you choose not to have kids now, well, there are still a lot of ways to have children in your life if you decide you want that down the road.... adoption, fostering, mentoring, whatever. Kids or No Kids doesn't have to be a completely black or white decision...
We couldn't all be cowboys, so some of us are clowns.
This is such a personal decision. There is no right answer. I am a list person... Make a list of the reasons you want to have kids, and the reasons you don't want to have kids, and sit down with your husband to discuss each other's lists.
I am not a kid person either, and do not enjoy being around other people's children. Now that I have my own child I still do not enjoy being around other people's kids. I just don't care for kids.
But I DOTE on my son. I adore him and find him to be absolutely amazing. He is the light of my life. I cannot imagine life without him.
That said -- could I have been happy if I had never had kids? I think so. I didn't really want kids but my husband did. I am really glad I chose to have them, because I would have missed out on so much joy, but I would have had a lot of fun enjoying my animals too if I had gone the childless route. No right or wrong answer, there's just different.
I can't help but giggle as my little sister just told me a couple of hours ago that she is expecting her second baby. The giggling is due to the fact she was NEVER going to have kids. She had a very busy career and was living that life. Then she got pregnant. And it was not planned. She is now a stay at home Mom and loves it. I willing to bet she would tell you to do it and not wait as long as she did (she is in her 40s).
Being a Mom is hard sometimes, wonderful sometimes but I wouldn't trade it for anything. And its normal to feel a little ambivalent and unsure, I felt that way too.
All you can do is follow your heart.
I was always ambivalent about having kids. They were okay, but I didn't need them. I wasn't the kind of gal who liked to hold other people's babies and that kind of thing. I left that to other folks.
I don't remember exactly how/when we decided to multiply, but we did and I'm glad. Sure it was tough at times, but the good stuff totally outweighs the bad for me.
I don't think anyone can tell you what to do on this, but there are plenty of us who didn't expect to love being a parent, but we do
going through prepubescent tantrums with my 'baby' atm....I shall not reply!
I have 3 teen girls still at home and a married 22 yr old with a 5 month old baby---yes, it can be trying and difficult (probably the understatement of the world), but I would do it over again in a heartbeat and add more to the brood. If I could convince my dh right now, I would have 2 more. Why 2? Because even numbers are easier...Trust me on this one.
No one can tell you to have or not to have one. That is up to you. And if you found yourself pregnant today, you would most likely have 10 different thoughts ranging from I dont want any part of this to I can't wait..Its normal to have concerns. When Ifound out I was pregnant with my #2 dd, I was in tears for weeks worrying about if I could love a 2nd child as much as I did my first child, and how would this affect dh and me etc. It was hormones, i.e. normal.
Look at this like you would if you were breeding horses, then ask yourself if you would love to have a little one that will reflect both of you.
Our issue is I am 37, he is 49. We have both been married before but no kids. Me, never wanted them with husband (long story) & him, his wife couldn't have kids. Now I want a child but we are not sure if we (not WE) are in the right place. Is there ever a right place? To compound I have endometriosis so not sure if I can get pregnant. Could take a month, could take a long time or never.
"Marty, Quarter Horse Extraordinaire, Most Pleasant Packer, Companion To The End. May his suffering be little, his passing be easy and may we find each other again, drawn by love and kindred spirit."
We had our first when I was 33, dh was 39. We are expecting our second in a few weeks- I'll be almost 36, dh is 41.
I'm glad I waited until I was early 30's. MUCH more patience, understanding, and tolerance. Although- my energy level is half of what it used to be! I have a wonderful dh- so between the both of us- we keep dd up/running!
My advice- DO IT!!
I was the same as you- not a kid person at all and happy with my life the way it was. In the beginning it was misery (although pregnancy and childbirth were surprisingly MUCH easier than I had expected). Anyway, with a little time and effort you'll be back to doing the things you love in no time, and you'll never regret it. You may regret NOT doing it though. So take the plunge! The love you will feel for your child will blow your mind.
On the flip side - my sister was always sure she wanted kids. Loved being around them when we were growing up, and she was the baby-sitter in the family. Me? No way. I'd rather pick up trash on the median than hang out with babies and kids. Even for pay.
We thought she'd be pregnant shortly after marriage, starting on the family of 4 or 5 she thought she'd always wanted. Nope. She married, and then she and her husband discovered they loved being DINKS and having to make decisions based primarily on themselves.
if you're not 100% sure you want one, don't have one. We don't need more people in the world, so you're doing the environment a favor by not reproducing; and if you have one, and regret it, you can't dump it at the pound.
Polls of older persons always indicate that the childless-by-choice report being happier and having had happier, more fulfilling lives than those who were child-by-choice, so don't listen to the people who nag at you about how you'll regret not having had one later on in life. And if you do? how much sadder will it be to regret-having-had-one later in life and resenting the poor kid?
Hubby and I always thought we'd have 2. Then I got pregnant before our wedding and lost the baby. It was awful. That was over 6 years ago, and we've talked about it, I was really leaning towards NO after the miscarriage fiasco. All of our friends are on #2 (I'm 30, he's 32) and we are officially THAT couple, with expendible income and lives.
Course, the twist in the story is that I found out this past summer that I cannot have kids. At least not naturally, with out major IVF. Which I will not do (I like to think nature is telling me something). I have raging PCOS. Had surgery and all that fun stuff.
You know what I felt when the doctor told me I'd "need a very strong pill to ovulate and many tests"?
It was no longer on my shoulders to make that decision for me/my husband. Or explain to people WHY I don't want to procreate. All I have to say is "We can't have kids. We have horses". That usually incites the sad-sympathy face and the "oh, you're still still young you can try" comments. I smile and say "But we don't want kids anyways, no big deal".
Now I want a child but we are not sure if we (not WE) are in the right place. Is there ever a right place?
You know... I think this is one of those things that "the right time" and "the right place" is really hard to find. When I bought my horse, it was not the right time or place - but I did it because I knew there would always be some reason that it would be the wrong time. I imagine that having children is similar for most people.
"smile a lot can let us ride happy,it is good thing"
When you have children, you join a club that is rather exclusive of those who don't have children. I am jealous and feel left out of that group.
I've noticed the you "join a club" thing, too, but I am not envious of that. I think it's kind of sad when for the once in a blue moon I have a chance to see my good friends from high school, they've got kids attached. Really, how hard is it to arrange for FOUR HOURS to detach the kid from the nipple? Especially when they're way past "nipple" age? And why is your husband so useless that he can't help with this? I think a lot of this is about parenting style and establishment of boundaries. Not being able to use the toilet without a kid walking in? Hells no. Not trying to be a member of that club, thanks.
There might be a club, but I also think there is a whole lot of theater around maintaining the image of how great the club is. Of course people love their kids, but when they are incapable of finding time for themselves as humans, the whole thing loses the appeal for me.
OP, I am around the same age as you and recently had a conversation about my "biological clock" with my fiance. I never included having kids as part of my goals or things to look forward to in life. Spent a lot of effort to make sure it wasn't going to happen, actually! I think I'm really only considering it more now, because at some point it ceases to be an option, and that drives me crazy! Plus people at work are popping out babies left and right.
Fiance and I decided, if it happens, we're sure it could be great, but if it doesn't happen, that could be great, too. His brother and brother's wife had an oops baby 2 years ago and we went visiting this summer. Still nothing better for birth control than having to be around someone else's 2-year old for days, especially when tiny mom is clearly continuously exhausted. I think there are good things about either choice, and for people on the fence I think it helps if you have the financial and/or childcare support system that helps you still have your own life.
Last edited by ZiggyStardust; Nov. 1, 2010 at 06:09 PM.
I may be way of base here, but how is your relationship with your husband? Could your "baby reluctance" stem from insecurities in your relationship? If so, don't have a baby thinking it will help your marriage. Fix the marriage first (if indeed that's what's needed) and then reexamine having babies!
You're certainly not old enough to worry about the old biological clock yet!
Hoppe, Hoppe, Reiter...
Wenn er faellt dann schreit er...
There is no shortage of children in this world. If you aren't truly compelled to have one, then don't. To quote my favorite movie, Jerry Maguire, "It's an up-at-dawn, pride swallowing siege that I will never fully tell you about."
It's a crapload of work. It's awful. It's wonderful. It's magical. It's grueling. It's selfless. It's amazing. It's something you should both basically really want before you do it. This is very important. Talk to your husband, maybe see a counselor. Meantime, good birth control until you decide!