[SoNotaDQ]

Leadline mom, I am jumping in late on this. You did good choosing the horse over THAT man. I am sorry he is the father of your children, but he is.

As far as meeting the ballerina, keep one thing in mind. SHE didn't cheat on you, he did. I am sure you are right, he lied to her, he lied to you. Pity her. She has him. Look what she has to look forward to!

He didn't cheat because you had horses, he cheated because he felt like it. Because he didn't value his comittment. Because he could and wanted to. Good riddance to bad rubbish.

Since he his your kids father, you will always(unfortunately) have him in your life. I think the pain will dull and someday you will meet THE man. Horsey or not. The one that will respect you and care for you. Your ex did not. For the kids sake, keep on doing what you are doing. That is the mark of an Excellent mother. One who puts her feelings in a box so that her children can be happy.

My husband is not horsey, though he is supportive of me. At the moment I am not riding, but I doubt he would ever let me sell my mare. I have leased her out because I am just too busy with my kids(4yrs old) starting back to work, boating ect;.

Good luck and thank your lucky stars this man is out of your life. I know it hurts that he did this to you and that you loved him. It is probably a blessing in disguise though

[RainDancer]

As someone who has been on both sides of the issue, take the high road. My ex also said me or horse. Horse was there before him and was there after I gave him the boot. My current SO's ex and I are fairly close. He thought we would fight but turns out that we liked each other quite a bit. As a child, I had no idea that my mother's first husband wasn't related to me. She stayed close to him and his family. It was a nasty divorce but they made nice for the kids. I still call his sister my Aunt even though we aren't related. When kids are involved, always be the bigger person. The kids will remember it all when they grow up. Will help shape them into better adults.

[Skeezix]

Well, I'm gonna come in on this one late too.

I have the perspective of dealing with some of these issues in my personal and professional life, so I will put in my two cents' worth.

I left my daughter's biological father when she was small, because he "left" long before by cheating on me constantly. Did it have anything to do with horses? No, it was simply insecurity that if some woman was offering, it must mean that he was attractive. Unfortunately, the one always waiting at home just couldn't fill that void. Oh well. He chose not to be a part of his daughter's life, and that's his loss.

My current husband of twelve years is a wonderful non-horsey person who has found that he really enjoys coming to barn when he wants to, learning when he want to, and puttering around. I don't expect it, but I am always very thankful for the help. He also brought two children to the marriage. When I first met his ex I wasn't sure how to act, but I have always believed in taking the high road, so we started out being very gracious, and eventually we have grown to be fairly good friends. The most important thing has always been the kids. We attend all of their functions as a group, we cheer together, and we laugh together, and when our kids look out into the audience, they only have to look in one spot to find us all. Raising kids is hard work, and when they have kicked up the traces, they have been faced down by a united front, and we got through it all. This past spring our son got married to a wonderful young woman. And we shared it all.

I work as a legal secretary in a law office that does a lot of domestic relations work. I could tell you some horror stories . . . Rise above it with grace and dignity. If you do, one way or the other, it will all work out for the best.

Do you need to look for just a horsey person? No, look for a good person to partner with. In fact, they usually come along when you least expect it http://chronicleforums.com/groupee_c...icon_smile.gif Good luck to you!

[HOOF IT]

Thanks everyone for the continued advice. I went to meet my ex and the ballerina at the concert Wednesday night and they never arrived, ugh, my heart was pounding as I watched each and every man and women entering the seating area. But, the concert was GREAT!! Afterwards, I got to meet the band backstage, had pictures taken with them and then they signed the pockets of my jeans!! The drummer and the keyboard player would not get out of my back pockets!! They asked me if I was a model, I laughed pretty hard and said, me, no way, they asked what I did to stay in shape? Of course, I had to tell them farm work and riding horses, and it sure helps keeping your sanity in this crazy world as well!!! WOW, at 45 years old, what a boost to my shattered ego and low self esteem!!! So, I am not a ballerina, but I RIDE HORSES YEAH!!!!! And I am prepared to meet this ballerina and ready to "kill her with kindness" as you all have recommended!! I agree this is a great idea. I still want to send her a dozen roses thanking her for getting this cheating man out of my life, he even signed the farm over to me!!! YIPPIE I AM FREE!!!!

[Cindeye]

You go girl! Just remember what my sister ALWAYS says to me every time I start a rant (to her, not in front of my children) about my ex..."Um, you already fixed that problem by divorcing him!" That usually snaps my attitude right around http://chronicleforums.com/images/cu...milies/lol.gif

[Ladybay]

My family went through a very similar thing recently. I was the kid through it all...but I am really close to my mom and she handled it all so well. It was such an awful situation!! My dad married the "other woman" secretly on my 16th birthday...right after he took me out to lunch and only a few months after the divorce was official. (!!!!) When we found out, he told us that it was just a license, and that by getting married it was "just like getting a fishing license". HA! Anyway, he taught me that adults are not perfect, and that they can make big mistakes and be huge jerks. http://chronicleforums.com/groupee_c...n_rolleyes.gif

Well, throughout it all, my mom has done the "kill her with kindness" thing and it has made it so much better for me and my brother. The situation is already awful enough. She has been amazingly strong!!! She says it is just as hard to hate someone, so you might as well be kind. It is all about forgiveness and moving forward.

Leadliner, you sound like you are a really strong woman, and that is really cool. Good luck and keep your head up! It will all be worth it.

[luvmytrakehnerwb]

oh my god...thats it...I'm NEVER getting married. I swear EVERYONE gets divorced! All these horror stories scare me away from love even more than I already am! Makes me soooo sad! http://chronicleforums.com/images/cu...milies/cry.gif

[HOOF IT]

Please don't get scared away from marriage, I would expect finding your soul mate of life is the key. Marrying the wrong person, too early, without really knowing them, or without telling them the whole truth and nothing but the truth, or not really exposing them to the reality of horse ownership, are some of the mistakes horse people make. I tried so hard to tell, and show my husband exactly what it means to be a horse owner. Although I gave up the showing/training side after marriage, the expenses were still there. And the love we have for these 1200 pound animals is sometimes hard for a man to swallow. Jealously is a killer in a marriage and finances are the number one reason for divorce. I never hid anything, not even the emotions I had when my show mare who I had owned all of her life had to be put down just after a hard induced delivery of her foal, and almost lost him too. He just wanted a reason to blame on his infidelity, thus the loss of the horse. Marriage is not just a license, but there are so many men out there that must think so. Sad...... they don't take these vows seriously. Well, they will have to answer to a higher power some day at the gates of heaven. At least I can feel good for being true to my vows and at least trying to do the "horse thing" on my own without asking him to help lift a finger with the farm chores or expenses. I wish all of you unmarried "horse women" the best in finding a soul mate, whether he is horsey or not, that will love you and your horse or horses. I hope too, that I can find mine. THANK YOU ALL!!!

[Duffy]

When my ex announced that he was leaving, I insisted that our kids go to a therapist of some kind, to help with the trauma. (They were 10 and almost 8 at the time.) The child psychologist said that the other spouse should meet any significant other prior to them meeting the children, should this "event" happen in the next year or so.

So...several months later, my ex announced that he was serious about someone, (a golfer - who would have guessed http://chronicleforums.com/groupee_c.../icon_wink.gif ), and that the "only thing missing" from their relationship was her meeting the kids. *insert barf icon here*

Well, I was still pretty beaten down then and would have done things differently if it had happened these days. But, we met at a restaurant. My ex got there first, was sitting at the closest table to the door, facing the door, with emply place settings on either side of him. http://chronicleforums.com/groupee_c...on_biggrin.gif My self esteem was at a new low around that time. I wasn't wearing make-up, wasn't dressed to the 9's, etc.

I sat down and ordered a glass of wine, pronto. http://chronicleforums.com/groupee_c.../icon_wink.gif Then T*** showed up, made up to the 9's, fancy pants suit (although have to admit - was not terribly flattering - too long a jacket on her short self. But, of course, I didn't really notice then. http://chronicleforums.com/groupee_c...icon_frown.gif )

She orders a beer and is drinking right out of the bottle. (I'm not a beer drinker. But, when you order beer at a nice restaurant, don't you drink it out of a glass?) Anyway, she also ordered peel and eat shrimp. I swear her lipstick never changed! (I somehow found myself mesmorized by watching this damn woman's lips and perfect manicure! - sick, I know)

Then, the piece de resistance....Her long sleeve goes into the cocktail sauce. My then STILL husband takes her hand and arm lovingly and commences to wipe off said offending cocktail sauce with his napkin. Hey! Hello! I'm still sitting here and I'd already tossed over an extra napkin to the B****!!!

I got out of there as soon as I could...Cried the whole way home, took of my wedding band when I got home.

But, that was over 5 years ago. I'm a different person and oh-so-much happier in lots of ways. My ex did end up marrying the woman, even though the child psychologist tried to talk him out of it - saying there was no way it was going to last - too soon, etc. They had a baby is June. I guess all is well with them.

She does not abuse my children. There were no children by a previous marriage, so there are none of those complications in my kids' lives. I don't trust either of them, but it could be a lot worse.

Sorry for my vent/post whatever. I guess you could call it therapy. http://chronicleforums.com/groupee_c.../icon_wink.gif My initial reason for replying was to say that yes, I think the other spouse should meet the other's significant. This particular child psychologist thought it important to meet BEFORE he/she met the kids given the short time frame.

[HOOF IT]

When my ex moved out in November, I pleaded with him not to introduce the kids right away to his girlfriend, that had obviously convinced him to finally move out, YEAH!!, which also had answered an 8 year old prayer of mine that lasted through 3 of his "known" affairs, he just would not leave. And the ballerina had done this for me, finally. See, he had it made, bills paid, roof over head, refrigerator of food, etc. He said, what girlfriend, I don't have one. The very first night my kids went for visitation, they came home telling me all about the ballerina that daddy had at his house. Sure I asked him not to do this, but he would always do the opposite of what I requested. And my advice also came from a child psychologist, that both of my kids had seen. The ballerina, was then referred to as "his neighbor" and she just happened to visit that night. Well the ballerina, sorry neighbor, would visit regularly, and would put nail polish on my kids, ages 5 and 8, and do their hair up in tight little buns covered in hair spray and send them home to me, gee I did not know that is what neighbors are for. Anyhow, non of the correct protocol has been followed here, and I do understand the importance of meeting the ballerina, and being civil towards her. My kids openly tell me all about her, because I have never shown them any resentment towards her, and I will continue to react this way. Now if I can do the same meeting her face to face...........I will have really accomplished something. Even though you are happy that this person is finally out of your residence, he will never be out of my life, you still beat yourself up as to why he had the affairs. They were all blonde, I am a brunette??? They have their nails done, I clip mine off so I can do farm chores? Who knows the real reason, but you still have your self esteem pulverized.

Duffy, thanks for sharing, and this has been good therapy for all of us!!!

Best of luck to every "horse person" out there in search of true happiness with the soul mate that each and every one of us deserves.

[Alagirl]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR> Even though you are happy that this person is finally out of your residence, he will never be out of my life, you still beat yourself up as to why he had the affairs. They were all blonde, I am a brunette??? They have their nails done, I clip mine off so I can do farm chores? Who knows the real reason, but you still have your self esteem pulverized.
<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

I didn't get it at firts that SO(B) hadn't left for that long yet. You stuck it out for eight years?! You are either one strong woman or a damned fool! http://chronicleforums.com/groupee_c.../icon_wink.gif Me thinks you need to meet more musicians! http://chronicleforums.com/images/cu...milies/yes.gif

No, I don't think you did anything wrong...I mean, you didn't cheat, so why did he have to. After all, you didn't twist his arm to say *I do*, blond, brunette, red or black...no excuse.

You need to do something for yourself (why don't you hire a nice looking college student to accompany you on your next meeting http://chronicleforums.com/groupee_c...on_biggrin.gif)

I understand, as you advance in life (not to say get older http://chronicleforums.com/groupee_c.../icon_wink.gif) the picking get slim, but if my sister, a total nutcase can land a guy(before she alienates him and runs him off http://chronicleforums.com/groupee_c...n_rolleyes.gif) you can too! You are just not going to find them out in one of your fields.

You are free now, go look around! (And try not to jump the Ballerina in joy next time you see her http://chronicleforums.com/images/cu...milies/lol.gif)

[Go Jump]

I told my husband about the ultimatium. He wanted to know if he got the full sentance out before you booted him out? Cause he knows what my answer would be!!

[Alagirl]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Go Jump:
I told my husband about the ultimatium. He wanted to know if he got the full sentance out before you booted him out? Cause he knows what my answer would be!! <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>


http://chronicleforums.com/images/cu...milies/lol.gif What a smart man you are married to! http://chronicleforums.com/images/cu...milies/yes.gif

[Anyplace Farm]

Just remember, it isn't her fault that he cheated on you. He's the pig that is married. Not her.

The best thing you can tell yourself is that she's the unlucky one that is now stuck w/the philanderer. Yucky. Trust me...he treated you like that, he'll treat her like that. It's in his DNA.

You now have a chance to make your life what you want it to be now. This doesn't answer your question on what to do about meeting her but I just noticed a lot of people busting on her. It just isn't her fault.

[Carol Ames]

Iagree about not beating yourself up; I can tell you from experience,ouch http://chronicleforums.com/groupee_c...s/icon_eek.gif!that, any relationship where we must change ourselves, as in fingernails,hobbies, etc. that relationship isNOT http://chronicleforums.com/images/custom_smilies/no.gifgoing to work, been there,done that!Take careof yourself , find friends to dothings with, lots of churches have singles groups now. http://chronicleforums.com/images/cu...s/winkgrin.gif

[HOOF IT]

Go Jump, yes I let him finish his sentence, I was 5 months pregnant, it was December 23rd, 8 years ago. He told me that he was moving out "to think". Well, I followed him and found what he was thinking about, the 20ish blonde, he was 40. Yes, he came home 3 months later, never apologized but said it was the "right thing" to do just before our baby was born and the young blonde was "high maintenance". Well, I forgave him and tried all over again, and trying to forget the affair, and even trust him at all was almost impossible,but therapy helped. No riding/showing/training going on here, just keeping boarders happy with clean stalls to pay the farm expenses, taking care of a young child and working full time. Well, he continued to cheat and cheat and cheat. 3 years ago I had had enough, and I asked my attorney if I could just move his stuff out onto the front lawn, burn it maybe, she said, no that is breaking the law. So her advice, make it miserable for him to live there and maybe he would just leave. Hey, there are so many "made for tv" movies out there where the wife packs his bags and he just walks away with his tail tucked underneath of him, why did this not work for me? Well, it took 3 years of not preparing meals for him, leaving the room when he would come in and moving to another part of the house, then bless her heart, the ballerina came along, pink bikini, toe shoes and a tutu. Gee, he signed that 8 year old separation agreement and the deed to the farm so fast, I thought for sure she was expecting or something.......but here we are 9 months later, no baby on the way, and I really need to meet this lady who spends quite a bit of time with my young kids, 5 and 8. And I agree, once a cheater always a cheater, I guess I feel sorry for her, but if I were to ever warn her about him, she would think I was lying......oh well, she will have to find out the hard way. So, no roses I suppose, just treat her with kindness. Not sure when I will get to meet her, they were a "no show" at the concert, wonder if he is afraid of our meeting up. My saga continues, but at least I can go piddle around in my barn and ride for as long as I want and not feel the black cloud of guilt over my head when I come back to the house. I have considered writing a novel, titled Horse or Divorce, I just might. This post has really given me some good ideas............anyone want to colaborate on this idea? Any good writers out there? I certainly have a story to tell. Hang in there fellow horse women and if you have a great guy that supports your hobby, hold on to him tight!!

[Norsire]

http://chronicleforums.com/groupee_c...s/icon_eek.gifHOLY COW, Leadliner Mom/Cindy!!!! YOU FINALLY DID IT!!! http://chronicleforums.com/groupee_c.../icon_razz.gif Congratulations girl!!!!! http://chronicleforums.com/groupee_c...on_biggrin.gif I told you when you got tired enough of him, you would in time find away to get rid of the #$%#%$^%#$%!!! I think all the affairs are because he is trying to prove to him self, he is OK and Normal!!! My bet is still on him coming out of the closet someday and then he will settle down and find true love! http://chronicleforums.com/images/cu...s/winkgrin.gif And for anyone who does not know Cindy or what she looks like, she is a beautiful woman and should not even think twice about some other woman no matter what color her hair is or is not!! She can get any man she really wants!!! Cindy did you move? I thought your mailing address was Purcellville..and your profile has Middleburg???? I'm so happy for you and for you getting the deed to the farm!!!! And yes you can find love again, just give yourself time. I could not be more happy and I found someone new, who adores not only me but also the horses too!!!! I feel so lucky!!! I know you are so much better off now. I was there through the loss of her mare and he was a total SHI@! Take care of yourself and don't worry your soul mate is just around the corner...just make sure you are more selective this time and go with your initial instincts...remember what you total me about your first impression of him???? I believe you were right and you will see in the end!!! http://chronicleforums.com/groupee_c.../icon_wink.gif

[FrenchFrytheEqHorse]

As the child of a father that was never faithful to my mother during my lifetime (Im 17 now), please, for your kid's sake, maintain your dignity and hold your head high no matter how angry these people make you feel. I always remember my mom taking the high road in simalar situations and my brother and I are eternally thankful that we did not have to deal with her going crazy every time dad brought his girlfriends around us.

[Frank B]

Haven't read the other replys but, from this old goat's perspective.....

Evaluate her carefully, and if she's a nice person, make friends with her. You and she take the kids out for fun times, minus the ex -- that'll make his ego crash and burn!

Otherwise, he's her problem now.

[Golden Retriver]

1) Horses had nothing to do with his cheating. They were just an excuse so he didn't have to take responsibility for his actions.

2) I agree with Frank B's advice. Establish a good rapport with the ballerina for the sake of the kids. It will also irritate the hell out of him to see you two getting along. An added bonus!

Good luck!