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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jan. 16, 2003
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    Tennessee
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    Default Loaning money to family members?

    Today, for the first time ever, my 43 year old brother emailed me asking to borrow a small amount of money. I can easily afford to give him the money, but why should I? Why shouldn't I? I'm leaning towards giving it to him, telling him I don't want to be repaid, and please not to ask for money again.

    What do you think?
    It's 2014. Do you know where your old horse is?



  2. #2
    Join Date
    Feb. 23, 2005
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    Spotsylvania, VA
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    Only if you can afford to think of it as a gift
    Smurf
    Penmerryl's Sophie RIDSH
    "I ain't as good as I once was but I'm as good once as I ever was"
    The ignore list is my friend. It takes 2 to argue.



  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jan. 17, 2008
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    Dutchess County, New York
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    Default

    I'd give it to him, with no expectation of being paid back. (If I were your brother, I'd pay it back anyway). What are you worried about? (Not snarky, seriously wanting to know -- is your brother irresponsible? Using it to buy drugs? Or just in a tight spot?)



  4. #4
    Join Date
    Aug. 2, 2004
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    Whidbey Is, Wash.
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by carolprudm View Post
    Only if you can afford to think of it as a gift
    This
    Aisha, my heart from 03/06/1986 to 08/22/2008.

    COTH's official mini-donk enabler.
    Odie, aka the Evil Burrito, is on Facebook.



  5. #5
    pony4me is offline Grand Prix Premium Member
    Original Poster
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    Jan. 16, 2003
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    Tennessee
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    Default

    I'm not worried about anything. My brother is his own problem. He never finished college even though my parents offered to pay for it. Never had a steady job, spent the money he inherited when our mother died, and traveled with a carnival for a few months. He was living in mini-storage until the storage center came under new management and evicted the residents. About the only thing constant with him is his email address.

    I sometimes wonder why I turned out ok, as did my sisters, and he didn't. Was it luck, brains, motivation, or the knowledge that mom and dad weren't going to help us?
    It's 2014. Do you know where your old horse is?



  6. #6
    Join Date
    Oct. 22, 2003
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    1,570

    Default

    My initial reaction to your post was "Sure, if you can think of it like a gift" then when I read the follow up with his history... no way.

    Sounds like your brother (honestly) is a deadbeat. It'd be a slippery slope giving him a dime.

    I would probably decline (but with a heavy heart) and say "Yeah, you know, I really just can't swing it right now." (And not elaborate)

    IF you cannot stop yourself from giving him money, do it as a LOAN and be prepared to ENFORCE it in small claims. (I'm a witch but I could not do this to my sister. I'd rather just tell her "no" outright then have to hound her in court)

    If you're going to be all squishy about it then you're just going to enable his "lifestyle", and end up at the bottom of a really slippery slope.
    "The nice thing about memories is the good ones are stronger and linger longer than the bad and we sure have some incredibly good memories." - EverythingButWings



  7. #7
    Join Date
    Feb. 20, 2010
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    All 'round Canadia
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    Default

    Yeah, same as above. After I read the follow-up my thinking went from "well, why not, and why wouldn't he repay you" to "no way".

    The requests will keep coming and the stories will get sobbier. Unless you plan on supporting him, start growing your shell now.



  8. #8
    Join Date
    Jan. 1, 2008
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    Default

    Sure, if I can afford it. I would always give money to my family, no strings attached.



  9. #9
    Join Date
    Jul. 23, 2003
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    itty bitty town, GA
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    Default

    Only you can make the decision but your thread struck a chord with me. My only brother (16 years younger than me) is living in our guest house at present. He was facing being out on the street if my husband and I didn't help him. He does not have a history of being responsible and I had serious doubts about helping him out but didn't have the heart to turn him away. We loaned him money for a haircut, gas for his car to look for a job, purchased car insurance and a tag for him and in short, he ended up owing us about $800 by the time he landed a job. He has been so grateful for help that he has been quite determined to turn his life around. As of next Friday, he will pay off the last $100 that he owes us and will begin paying rent. He has just received a promotion at his new job and has earned the reputation of being a work-aholic. It proved to me that people can change if they want to.

    Not knowing your brother personally, I can only say that if I were in your shoes, I would try and help him out ONCE. I could live with myself a little better knowing I at least tried to help. If he throws the money down the tubes and stays on a downward spiral - you can at least have the peace of mind that you did make an honest effort to help him.
    Susan N.

    Don't get confused between my personality & my attitude. My personality is who I am, my attitude depends on who you are.



  10. #10
    Join Date
    May. 4, 2003
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    Canada
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    Default

    For us - we carried on holding up my husband's brother far too long - through all the ups and downs of drug use, quitting drugs, becoming religious, taking a job, losing a job, run ins with police, etc. He borrowed, begged, stole.... He actually was the first person I personally knew who died of AIDS. Eventually I put a halt to it...we had our own family to raise and busines to start-up, etc.

    But in your case, who wouldn't help a family member - just once, no strings attached. If it comes back, good, if not, so what.



  11. #11
    Join Date
    Jul. 3, 2010
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by carolprudm View Post
    Only if you can afford to think of it as a gift
    Yes. My rule has always been: never lend an amount of money you'll miss.



  12. #12
    Join Date
    May. 4, 2003
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    Default

    Made me think of my Dad's quote : "Never a borrower or a lender be."



  13. #13
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    Oct. 22, 2003
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Foxtrot's View Post
    Made me think of my Dad's quote : "Never a borrower or a lender be."
    Eh.

    If weren't for my parents my husband and I wouldn't have been able to leap on a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity last year. We had 75% of what we needed ourselves.

    My parents loaned us the last of what we needed. My dad is a businessman and agreed it was truly a an opportunity we'd NEVER have again. They liquidated some assets for us- so they didn't just write a check, they had to go through some hoops.

    His parents told us we were ijits and refused to give us a dime. Their risk tolerance is 0. They had originally said they'd help, then when we said "We're doing it." they refused. Them refusing wasn't what miffed me- them backing out miffed me and them PERSISTING (up until a month or two ago!) in telling us what a bad move we had made were what really cheesed me.

    I'm all for helping out family, but doing it with eyes open. I'd rather give as gifts, and if I didn't feel the person would do right by the gift, I'd just not give it at all.

    Sounds to me like the OP's brother is a bit of a dodgy sort and it's a slippery slope. Doesn't sound like he's in the position where his wife left him with all the bills and the kids and he needs some money to see him through. Sounds like he might be a bottomless pit.
    "The nice thing about memories is the good ones are stronger and linger longer than the bad and we sure have some incredibly good memories." - EverythingButWings



  14. #14
    Join Date
    Oct. 1, 2004
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    Magnolia, TX
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    Default

    It may be the first time he's asked you for money, but if you give it to him, it probably won't be the last. If I were you, I'd be asking where he got his money till now, and why is he suddenly asking you?
    "A person is smart. People are dumb, panicky, dangerous animals, and you know it." - Agent K, MIB



  15. #15
    Join Date
    Mar. 6, 2009
    Posts
    8,141

    Default This ~

    Quote Originally Posted by anexalter View Post
    Yes. My rule has always been: never lend an amount of money you'll miss.

    This is the rule I follow ~
    Zu Zu Bailey " IT"S A WONDERFUL LIFE !"



  16. #16
    Join Date
    Jun. 21, 2003
    Location
    ontario
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    285

    Default

    I have borrowed $15 000 from my older brother. It is like a bank loan. I put monthly deposits in his account using an email money transfer. He charges me a minor interest rate & keeps track of what is owed. He had done this for our other brother too who paid him back fully.
    "Marty, Quarter Horse Extraordinaire, Most Pleasant Packer, Companion To The End. May his suffering be little, his passing be easy and may we find each other again, drawn by love and kindred spirit."



  17. #17
    Join Date
    Aug. 8, 2001
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    up the hill from the little river (that floods alarmingly often)
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    Default

    Only if it's a gift, and only if you want to open that door. Because you know once you do, it's very tough to get it closed again.

    Given his history, I wouldn't, but I'm a tough-love kind of girl.
    Full-time bargain hunter.



  18. #18
    Join Date
    Feb. 23, 2005
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    Spotsylvania, VA
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by pony4me View Post
    I'm not worried about anything. My brother is his own problem. He never finished college even though my parents offered to pay for it. Never had a steady job, spent the money he inherited when our mother died, and traveled with a carnival for a few months. He was living in mini-storage until the storage center came under new management and evicted the residents. About the only thing constant with him is his email address.

    I sometimes wonder why I turned out ok, as did my sisters, and he didn't. Was it luck, brains, motivation, or the knowledge that mom and dad weren't going to help us?
    This does put a different spin on things. If you give him money now it probably won't be the last time he will ask.

    BTDT and really REALLY regret it.
    Smurf
    Penmerryl's Sophie RIDSH
    "I ain't as good as I once was but I'm as good once as I ever was"
    The ignore list is my friend. It takes 2 to argue.



  19. #19
    Join Date
    Mar. 6, 2009
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    Default

    What is BTDT ?

    Sorry ~ experiencing an early senior momemt BTDT ~ maybe not so early at that ~
    Last edited by Zu Zu; Sep. 3, 2010 at 11:33 AM. Reason: addition
    Zu Zu Bailey " IT"S A WONDERFUL LIFE !"



  20. #20
    Join Date
    Feb. 23, 2005
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    Spotsylvania, VA
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    Default

    been there done that
    Smurf
    Penmerryl's Sophie RIDSH
    "I ain't as good as I once was but I'm as good once as I ever was"
    The ignore list is my friend. It takes 2 to argue.



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