The Chronicle of the Horse
MagazineNewsHorse SportsHorse CareCOTH StoreVoicesThe Chronicle UntackedDirectoriesMarketplaceDates & Results
 
Results 1 to 20 of 20
  1. #1
    Join Date
    Aug. 2, 2004
    Location
    Whidbey Is, Wash.
    Posts
    10,811

    Default I don't WANT to move and BF can't understand why (long)

    He just thinks it means I love him less than he loves me.

    I'm a police officer, at a great department. I like the town I work in, I get along with the majority of my coworkers, I'm an adviser for our Explorer program and love it, I'm getting more training to do more stuff all the time. I can see myself staying with this department for my whole career and going way up the ranks. My Sgt agrees with me and says I have some of the best annual evals he's ever written. Hell, I was nominated for Officer of the Year last year and lost it to my BFF at the department, in part because he's super-cop.

    Enter BF, who I want to spend my life with. BF is career Navy, due to retire in about six years. I won't be retiring for another 20+ years, as our retirement is based on age, not time in (ouch). Right now, we make about the same, me more because I can get OT. My pay will only increase as I stay with the department, with longevity pay and then seniority for OT bids (and I already get a lot of OT because I put in for it). And then Sgt pay if I go there.

    BF has already extended with his current squadron to stay here, because last year there were no spots for him and he was going to get moved to NV. Next year he will be up for new orders again, and he hopes to stay here. BUT. He says he might get moved, and got mad when I said I didn't want to move.

    He, being military-minded, doesn't understand the difference in our jobs. He is used to being moved and still advancing. Me? I move, I go back to the bottom of the damn barrel. Back to shit assignments, no seniority, less pay. And most other states won't pay as well as my current department.

    Oh, and being female in law enforcement is still hard. When a female cop moves to follow a BF or husband, it only gets harder to get jobs because WHY should a department invest in a cop who won't be loyal to the department?

    How can I explain that moving is career-suicide, and after six years I will be the bread winner for the next 20 years?
    Last edited by TheJenners; Sep. 2, 2010 at 02:52 PM. Reason: Edited to shorten my NOVEL
    COTH's official mini-donk enabler

    "I am all for reaching out, but in some situations it needs to be done with a rolled up news paper." Alagirl



  2. #2
    Join Date
    Mar. 9, 2006
    Location
    South-Central PA
    Posts
    2,323

    Default

    My 2 cents...if you like everything about your job and life now- let him move when the time comes. Let's say you go ahead and move with him, and things ultimately don't work out in your relationship...then what do you have? How much "say" do you have in other areas of your relationship? If he truly cares and loves you, he would be able to see your side and how much this means to you.
    My hubby and I had recently gotten engaged, and he and his family started talking about moving the family farm to Green Bay. I immediately told them I had no aspirations of moving anywhere colder than PA and if that was their intention, then I was calling off the engagement. Not another word was ever mentioned about moving, and we've been happliy married 15+ years.
    Cindy



  3. #3
    Join Date
    Aug. 2, 2004
    Location
    Whidbey Is, Wash.
    Posts
    10,811

    Default

    Oh, I have the normal amount of say, maybe more because of the type of woman I am. Couldn't be a cop without being direct and out-spoken.

    It's not that I think the relationship won't work. It's just that it's financially retarded for me to move AND I love where I live/work. He just thinks it means I won't compromise for him, and I don't love him enough to move with him. FWIW, his ex was a waitress and most Navy wives/GFs have other easily portable jobs.
    COTH's official mini-donk enabler

    "I am all for reaching out, but in some situations it needs to be done with a rolled up news paper." Alagirl



  4. #4
    Join Date
    Feb. 14, 2003
    Location
    Windward Farm, Washougal, WA- our work in progress, our money pit, our home!
    Posts
    7,908

    Default

    You have a year to work on this. Get started now. I think you are in the right here, now begin having this discussion regularly. Show him financial break downs of the advantages of you staying in your job. You both have jobs that require a person to be direct, in charge, and decisive--not the easiest personalities to compromise, but if you are logical and determined, he might just see the light.

    Don't move. Stay with your job. Your future needs to be secure, because Mr. Navy may not be in it.
    Proud member of the "Don't rush to kill wildlife" clique!



  5. #5
    Join Date
    Apr. 29, 2006
    Posts
    3,677

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by TheJenners View Post
    He just thinks it means I won't compromise for him, and I don't love him enough to move with him.
    Not that you're asking for advice about the relationship (and I certainly am in no position to give any advice on love) but read what you wrote and substitute the word MOVE with whatever comes up in your future.

    All the best.



  6. #6
    Join Date
    Dec. 4, 2005
    Location
    washington state
    Posts
    10,142

    Default

    Are you not planning on marrying? If you're not, I would stay put.

    Sounds over-realistic and cynical but this is the truth-in divorce you will walk away with something. In just living together you don't. I dated and lived with someone for years (he is a cop too, nice guy, we just didn't work out), when we broke up, the house was only in his name because it was originally his and even though I paid my fair share, I walked with nothing.

    Besides, what if he doesn't get orders? At least wait and see. If he turns this into a huge "you don't love me enough" thing, there is a big huge red clue
    The Knotted Pony

    Proud and upstanding member of the Snort and Blow Clique.



  7. #7
    Join Date
    Mar. 30, 2004
    Location
    King, NC
    Posts
    1,903

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by TheJenners View Post
    How can I explain that moving is career-suicide, and after six years I will be the bread winner for the next 20 years?
    You shouldn't HAVE to explain. If this is a conversation taking more than one sit down then something is wrong. Regardless of how wonderful he is your career in his mind seems to not be on par with his and (sorry to say) that often means for a military man that your reasoning and logic is ALSO not on par with his.

    Air Force brat, saw it often with the officers. Wives were like assistants... always expected to handle real life while Hubby went off wherever.

    Navy is worse, what if you move and he is suddenly posted to sea? It can happen any time especially if armed conflicts break out overseas! Then you are in new job, new place, no support system and expected to keep up the household finances, bills paid, things fixed and be the happy cheerful supportive wife/gf who never grumbles in letters or SKYPE talks (cuz that is demoralizing the troops) and is ready to pick up and move again for the new posting... if he has more than 3 years left chances are there WILL be a next posting after the one coming....

    I can well remember my mom coming back from the officer's wives meetings where they got their RahRah talks about never stressing the men with any household or family issues because they were already shouldering the burden of possibly fighting for their country.

    PS. I adore my dad, do NOT get me wrong but I could never be a military wife and have seen too many discarded along the way after sacrificing everything. Ex SIL is one of them. Followed brother everywhere, he settled down, dumped her got a wife who HAD a career and opinions of her own. Things that were never acceptable from exSIL.
    HaHA! Made-est Thou Look!



  8. #8
    Join Date
    Dec. 4, 2005
    Location
    washington state
    Posts
    10,142

    Default

    Chesters mom, you are right on. My cousin is married to an officer (now retired Thunderbird pilot), it is exactly that way.
    The Knotted Pony

    Proud and upstanding member of the Snort and Blow Clique.



  9. #9
    Join Date
    Jul. 13, 2006
    Posts
    2,471

    Default

    So if you plan on staying together he has only 6 years left and has 1 more year before anything has to be decided, why doesn't he just take whatever post he wants and you stay together? At most your talking a couple years apart, maybe take a break during that time, then he can come back. It seems completely absurd to me for you to give up your job and life to follow him when at this point he is a short timer & you are talking a lifelong career where being uprooted greatly effects your job. It can work still! We have a girl at the barn that both parents were Navy, her dad had retired and had a port contract staying at home, but mom got stationed in Maimi then San Diego. Daughter went with mom, they talked to dad a few times a week, visited and met up for vacations and spent 6 years like that. Mom finally was up for early retirement and took it and they have all been back under the same roof for 8 years now. It can work, but your BF needs to change the attitude about you not loving him. Your partially doing this FOR him and your combined financial security.



  10. #10
    Join Date
    Jul. 22, 2007
    Location
    South of Georgia, North of Miami
    Posts
    1,121

    Default

    What doesn't he like about living where you are now? What are his objections to making it permanent? I ask this because you need to know if he has a legitimate reason for not wanting to stay there or if this is a power/control issue. You know the kind, "If you really loved me you would sell your horse."

    Everytime I have ever known someone to make a major change like this when they didn't want to they have always been sorry. It's never been enough. First the horse, then the friends, until it comes down to having total control over another person. They should have asked, "Why would you want me to sell something I love to prove I love you?" Which is what he is asking you to do. Living where you love is part of the package of 'you', much like having a horse is when they meet you.

    If he gets transferred somewhere else for a few years you can visit each other as much as possible, then you can settle where you are now. I've known more than one navy wife who refused to follow her husband.



  11. #11
    Join Date
    Dec. 15, 2003
    Posts
    1,479

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Come Shine View Post
    Not that you're asking for advice about the relationship (and I certainly am in no position to give any advice on love) but read what you wrote and substitute the word MOVE with whatever comes up in your future.

    All the best.
    Do you mean in order for the relationship to work she needs to agree with what he wants as far as MAJOR life decisions?

    What about the flip side - he won't NOT move for her career. Or compromise that she remain where she's at and they can do the long-distance bit for the few years that he has left. The best he can come up with is "if you don't go along with my plans then you don't love me".

    They're already planning on her being the main income earner after he retires, maybe he should have a little more respect for her career path.

    Maybe he needs to rethink his position and think about how his attitudes will affect the relationship in the future.



  12. #12
    Join Date
    Aug. 29, 2010
    Location
    Tennessee
    Posts
    27

    Default

    Having done the military wife thing, I can honestly say that its not worth a move for you.

    You have a good job, you like where you live. Many military spouses live separately part time in order to make arrangements like that work. Yes, the military has the power to make him move. They also (generally) will give him a choice of assignments. If he values your relationship and wants to make it work, he'll do the best that he can to stay nearby.

    He only has a few years left, so you guys can make the long distance thing work until he retires and can move back to where you are. It will strengthen a good relationship and if things fall apart, it wasn't meant to be in the first place.

    It has nothing to do with you not loving him.
    “Riding a horse is not a gentle hobby, to be picked up and laid down like a game of Solitaire. It is a grand passion.”

    Ralph Waldo Emerson



  13. #13
    Join Date
    Feb. 20, 2010
    Location
    All 'round Canadia
    Posts
    8,096

    Default

    What he wants isn't a compromise. A compromise is you wanting x, he wanting y, and you guys compromising on z. Not you going, "oh ok honey, we'll do y".

    This is a hard decision because you want to stay together. Your compromise could be a long-distance relationship, or maybe him trying to get a compassionate posting at least somewhere close so you could visit on weekends. Whatever it is, it won't be ideal.
    But you are looking at another 20 years of working. If I really loved my work, I wouldn't move.



  14. #14
    Join Date
    Jun. 24, 2005
    Location
    Alabama
    Posts
    10,763

    Default

    Jenners-unfortunately you better either marry or live off post--no unmarried partners in base housing, and no housing allowance or shipping for them either. ANd I don't know how many dogs and/or cats you have but most base housing is contracted out and there's a maximum of 2 to 3 animals depending on the base. Plus you won't have health insurance or any benefits unless you find a civilian job that has them unless you marry. And the way it looks for military medical after retirement in today's world it exists, but the government is looking at cost containment very closely-in my opinion that means that retired military will be dumped on VA or medicare when they hit 65, so much for lifetime medical care. There is also the possibility that he will get sea duty or deployed, and that means you won't see him for up to a year at a time. Don't count on getting on with a civilian department some places either, and on post most wives don't get great jobs (unless you love cashier at the BX or PX). Vegas has a really bad unemployment rate now too, and if he goes overseas there are unaccompanied tours sometimes, and no work off base because of the local work agreements too (foreign nationals get most of the jobs in a lot of countries).

    I have known a few military couples where the wife never travelled with the husband (it was alway the husband who was active duty-all three couples) and it was basically a long distance relationship for the entire service career. All three couples are still married and living in the city they always considered as home.

    Some military posts have turned the military police jobs to civilian, but they can be hard to get into since they prefer ex-military police officers.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White



  15. #15
    Join Date
    Aug. 2, 2004
    Location
    Whidbey Is, Wash.
    Posts
    10,811

    Default

    Whoops, some clarification :

    He is currently on sea duty. I am perfectly content with sea duty, as deployments don't bother me (much, I can still function unlike SOME Navy wives (ugh))). I was married to a Navy guy and we went through two deployments before the divorce. Sailors go through rotations of sea duty and shore duty, and he is due for a shore duty tour. However, his aircraft is going out, and a new one coming in, so there are not many/any shore spots for his rank and rate. He extended with his current squadron and is going to try to get another sea tour, because they can apparently go back-to-back like that, so he can stay here.

    As for housing, etc, we reside together in my house. I don't have to worry about medical or benefits, because mine are actually better than his, or a military dependent's version thereof. Not sure what Obamacare might do to that, but for now...yeah. I'm not in a position where I need to even think about base housing or anything of that sort.

    Are we planning on marrying? Yes.
    COTH's official mini-donk enabler

    "I am all for reaching out, but in some situations it needs to be done with a rolled up news paper." Alagirl



  16. #16
    Join Date
    Aug. 26, 2009
    Location
    Massachusetts
    Posts
    366

    Default

    You shouldn't need to have a huge conversation (or at least not more than one) to explain all of this to him. My fiance and I are in somewhat of the opposite position, though without any military jobs involved. Right now he is the one with the steady job that he loves and I am finishing my last year of school, long distance halfway across the country. We decided to do 2 years apart to keep him in his job. When I'm done, my goal is to find a job near our current location to keep him where he is because #1 I know his job is secure (high school teacher, already tenured and high up in seniority), #2 I know how much he loves his school district from the kids up through the administration, and #3 if he moved, he would have to start all over again through the process and with a lower salary. Basically, just like you. I'm willing to bend over backwards to keep this situation because I recognize it is in both of our best interests. Conversely, he loves me and supports my career goals enough to be willing to move at the drop of a hat should the right opportunity present itself when I graduate and am job hunting.

    I understand your bf is in the military and likely does not have complete control over where he ends up in the short term, but I don't think its right that he just expects you to pack up and leave with no say and without consideration for your career and accomplishments. I don't know anything about your relationship, but as a couple others have suggested, it might be time to evaluate the whole relationship and future give/take (or will it be all give or all take?). Good luck, I hope everything works out for the best.



  17. #17
    Join Date
    Apr. 29, 2006
    Posts
    3,677

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by hb View Post
    Do you mean in order for the relationship to work she needs to agree with what he wants as far as MAJOR life decisions?
    No, I meant if they he expected her to give up things (ie, move) to show how much she loved him, then my concern was that needing to give up things one loves to PROVE their love for someone is a pretty tough way to live. However, others have pointed that out in much more eloquent ways than I did.

    Nothing but best wishes for the OP and her future groom to be.



  18. #18
    Join Date
    Jun. 24, 2005
    Location
    Alabama
    Posts
    10,763

    Default

    Jenners-I meant that if you move you will be without benefits unless you marry, and I bet in Vegas you would live off post anyway. Long distance relationships can work very well (one couple had six kids, and she stayed in Olympia the whole time and he was stationed there a few times, but visited often. It was strange but worked for them). And he better not count on retirement and medical staying the way they are currently-they are looking at huge cost cutting for both, and I'm not hopeful that they both won't change for the worst very quickly, so your benefits might turn out to be very vital for him when he retires.

    I think if you both really love each other that you will find an answer that works for both of you. I wish both of you all the best.
    Last edited by JanM; Sep. 3, 2010 at 06:41 PM.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White



  19. #19
    Join Date
    Aug. 16, 2009
    Posts
    665

    Default

    I'd say, do what you want to do. You're not being unreasonable and if you move you'll probably end up resenting him for it. A friend's mom gave up her academic pursuits to follow her husband and his career and she's never really forgiven him for it.

    In the meanwhile, I would look for jobs that would give you an opportunity to advance in the location he wants to be. If it's meant to be, you'll find the job you want in a different location. There's no harm in looking. And it shows him that you're supportive.

    I tell my husband that I'd be willing to move to certain parts of the country or world if he got a job that was exactly what he wanted. Likewise, if I found a dream job out of the city, he'd be on board as well. It wouldn't be easy to move because my whole family is closeby where we live now, but with technology these days communication is so much easier than it was even 10 years ago.

    Best of luck to you.



  20. #20
    Join Date
    Dec. 15, 2003
    Posts
    1,479

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Come Shine View Post
    No, I meant if they he expected her to give up things (ie, move) to show how much she loved him, then my concern was that needing to give up things one loves to PROVE their love for someone is a pretty tough way to live. However, others have pointed that out in much more eloquent ways than I did.

    Nothing but best wishes for the OP and her future groom to be.
    Thanks for the clarification, I misunderstood!



Similar Threads

  1. I Don't Understand Why I Waited So Long...
    By Snowflake in forum Off Course
    Replies: 8
    Last Post: Sep. 2, 2012, 01:35 PM
  2. To Move or Not To Move? - Update Post #20 - Not Moving.
    By forward ride in forum Hunter/Jumper
    Replies: 24
    Last Post: May. 20, 2011, 09:49 AM
  3. Best way to move to move household goods?
    By Sanely Eccentric in forum Off Topic
    Replies: 11
    Last Post: Mar. 20, 2011, 03:51 PM
  4. How long to settle after a barn move?
    By anna's girl in forum Horse Care
    Replies: 27
    Last Post: Sep. 14, 2010, 02:07 AM
  5. Replies: 18
    Last Post: Mar. 13, 2009, 10:29 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •