I swore I would never get this personal on a forum, but what the hell. I'm frustrated, and it's OT day. And it's CoTH.
In the past year since we've been trying, no less than 13 of my friends have managed to get knocked up, two unintentially. Most have had their babies. Silly me thought, "Hey, I'll just get off the pill and instantly be pregnant." Whatever. Now we're making appointments with fertility specialists.
Anyone else been down this road?
Is it totally normal to be mad/bitter about not accomplishing a basic biological function? Or guilty about not wanting to go to (expensive and not guaranteed) invasive measures?
Not me (I do NOT want children!), but my mom has been going through this. She is going to be 42 in Nov. and just feels like she is running out of time. She also had a miscarriage and a false pregnancy this year so that didn't help. She has the same feelings you describe, so you're not alone!
I'm assuming you have tried an ovulation monitor? They had my stepdad's sperm checked out (well that was awkward to say ) which was a simple thing to do. My mom also got checked out pretty easily. Turns out her eggs aren't very high quality, but we keep telling her that it only takes one!
Last edited by CatchMeIfUCan; Aug. 5, 2010 at 04:20 PM.
Any feeling that you are having is normal. We struggled with infertility and wound up having to have IVF, which was successful. The physical/medical part of the process was easy, fun, and actually I thought it was way cool. The emotional part was tough--people telling you to "just relax and it will happen" and "stop trying, that worked for us, haha" was SO hurtful, even though nobody was trying to be hurtful. I wish you luck, and the best advice I could give you is to be ruthlessly honest with your spouse/SO about how the process is going, how each of you is feeling about trying, etc. Doesn't hurt to go see and talk to a fertility specialist, either--not all fertility treatments are expensive or invasive. GOOD LUCK.
Well from your first post it sounds like you have only been trying a year....really that isn't that long! It took me and hubby 14 months from went I went of BC to get preggo. I was in no rush (I was scared about the entire having a kid thing) so neither of us got checked out. Low and behold daughter just arrived 2 months ago. Not sure your age (I got pregnant right before I turned 28, so not old by any means) but it takes a while to get all the way off BC, just cause you aren't taking it doesn't mean it didn't float around in there a while.
Yeah, it has only been a year. I just turned 30, but my husband is 43. The push is really due to his age and the fact that he has RA. His doctor wants to put him on a different medication regimen that he can't do until and unless we're done having kids. So the pressure is on.
The emotional part was tough--people telling you to "just relax and it will happen" and "stop trying, that worked for us, haha" was SO hurtful, even though nobody was trying to be hurtful.
I don't find it hurtful as much as annoying. I've heard all those in addition to advise involving wine and valium (not together!). The ones that are starting to bug me are the constant, well-intentioned, "When are you going to have kids?" Of course, his ex-wife has asked straight out since hubby has custody of their kids and I raise them as their fulltime stepmom, "Why don't you just have your own!" She was trying not to get pregnant when they were conceived, so everything about that comment from her makes me . But in fairness, she doesn't know.
I am sorry to hear about your situation. I have been on the other end..kind of. Two close friends have been trying for kids for years and years. I have been by their sides with the heart ache and ups and downs. I wanted nothing more for them to have kids. I upexpectedly got pregnant. I felt so guilty, and got very depressed. After many many rounds of IVF, both couples were able to have kids (one last week!) The 1st couple just found out they are expecting again (unplanned, baby is just 2 months old, she is breastfeeding and after the trouble to have the first..you know). All I can say is to keep your chin up, keep trying, follow Drs advice and dont let rude/unsensitive comments get you down. Dont ever let anyone say you are messing with nature or if its ment to happen it will. Just stay strong!
For a moment there, you bored me to death
As I posted on my miscarriage thread, my problem is a bit different, but I know a bit of what you're going through. We stopped BC last December and got pregnant right away... only to lose it in early Feb. Got pregnant again six weeks later... lost it again six weeks later... pregnant again in June... lost it in July. So I'm pretty darn fertile, but completely incompetent at holding on to it. I don't know which is worse, not getting pregnant, or losing it.
The comments get to me too. Of course, only one friend of mine (besides COTH of course) actually even knows we've been trying. Nobody else, even family knows what we're going through... and so every day we get those comments of "When are you going to ahve kids?" As if it's a switch you can just flip on and suddenly you're having a baby shower. I usually just answer, "someday" and change the subject, but it doesn't stop the next person from asking. Or how about complaining about not feeling good one morning, and everyone at work (meddling middle age women...) automatically asks, "Are you pregnant?" How do you answer that with "Well, I was until yesterday"?
I was ready to just give it up and forget it all, because I was too afraid to go through testing and all the things my doctor may suggest... didn't even call him until a week after the last miscarriage... but hubby finally convinced me that I need to sit down and talk with the doctor, see what solutions are out there, because I'll always be miserable if I just give up now. So I'm going on the 16th. Bah.
Right after our first miscarriage, my sister-in-law had her baby, then a cousin had her baby, then we found out my other sister-in-law (who was still only 18) was pregnant with her second accidental kid. Oh, and the same week a COTHer was on here posting about wanting an abortion. Then the same week as the second miscarriage we found out that a cousin was pregnant, and one of my 8th grade students told me she was pregnant. Then, on the day that the third miscarriage started, I saw another cousin and discovered that she's popping out a kid next month, on her 21st birthday with a boyfriend she had planned to break up with. So apparently, the key to a successful pregnancy is to be an unmarried kid with a loser boyfriend. I've never heard a teenager complain about infertility. But I'm not bitter... Ok, yeah, I am, and I might go off on the next person who tells me they're pregnant.
Hopefully someday my kid and yours can meet up at Kyle Field.
Proud Momma of *Capital Kiss* and Bottle Rocket!
Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt. Never did get pregnant. Tried for about four years. Had some medical issues that resulted in a hysterectomy. Two weeks after the surgery we found out that we were picked for an adoption and a week after that we got our two day old son. He is now 8 and we are hoping that by the end of the year we will be travelling to China for child #2, for whom we have been waiting about four years. I am 45 and DH is 50. (Yikes..looks worse when you type it out)
You just have to be very que sera sera about it. We can steer our ships a little but you never really know where the current will take you.
I know, it seems so easy for everyone else, but more people struggle with infertility than you might think. I can't remember what the exact statistic is but it is surprisingly high.
As deltawave says, you have to be honest with yourself and your partner about how far you are prepared to go and whatever decision you make is A OK.
I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
Although I have not had your problem, two of my friends have, and I'm glad to say that they both eventually had happy endings, and both have children now, although in different ways.
One of them decided not to try anything very dramatic or expensive to get pregnant, and now has two wonderful adopted children. It absolutely amazing how much they look like her, even though one is not even the same race. Just from all the time spent with her children, they've picked up her expressions and mannerisms, and it's downright uncanny.
The other spent a fortune at fertility doctors, with no reults time and time again. All the hormones and mood swings were driving her crazy. She told me that she eventually decided to stop trying because she felt like she was becoming comepletely unbearable to live with. The treatments were driving her nuts. She was one who got pregnant (with twins) shortly after she and her husband decided to stop trying, and then she became pregnant again shortly after her twins were born.
Anyhow, I'm very sorry to hear what you're going through. I think it's completely normal to be sad, angry, frustrated, feel guilty, and the whole 9 yards.
But there is hope, and eventually you and your husband will find a solution you can come to terms with, whatever that may eventually be.
OP - I am there with you. I would have to have surgery (again) to try and repair the damage cause by one D&C following the miscarriage of my first child two years ago. My specialist doesn't give me much hope of conceiving (without IVF), let alone carrying successfully without more surger(ies). Nothing against IVF, but our hearts are just not open to that option. If we were meant to reproduce, we will... naturally.
DH and I have now opted to stop trying altogether and yes, it's totally heartbreaking. It's hard to see all my friends have babies fairly easily and many without trying. However at the end of the day, it's just DH and me and being a mother doesn't define who I am. I am happy to say that I won't ever have to go on BC again, and in a few years DH will get neutered and we will go on. Our life will be ok if we don't ever have children. Once we relocate and get settled in our new state, we will look into adoption. Although that can be equally as heartbreaking...