On Monday I turned 50. Today my husband told me he doesn't want to be married anymore. I guess that's why I didn't get a gift or even a card.
He says he wants a "traditional wife" who will focus on him and not be absorbed by horses which he sees as a waste of time and money. He wants to move to into a more rural community and have a more traditional life.
We've been married 23 years and have had our ups and downs but this one has hit me hard.
I have my own business and we have two teenage children. We live in a town that's expensive but has great schools. I've downsized my horse habit to one, and I take care of him myself to save costs. I no longer compete as we didn't have the money and I don't have the time.
It was a birthday that made me feel old and this just stinks.
I doubt I could afford my horse if we separate but I also don't want to pull my kids out of the school system where they are thriving. I know it's too soon to make any decisions but this just has made me feel sad.
When i was 44 my husband of 20 something years(3 children) told me he wasn't having a good time and gave me 2 weeks notice that he was moving out.The best thing he ever did for me!!!!!!!!!That was over 16 years ago and life is great.My so and i are both retired from our jobs,we run a small boarding/breeding operation and after almost 15 years together he still makes me smile when he walks into the room.There is life after divorce!
I am sorry you are sad, and I think you have every reason to be upset by something like that hitting you out of the blue!
However, I have to echo Myrna and assure you that there is (wonderful) life after divorce. My ex said pretty much the same thing - felt like the horses got in the way, and wanted a housewife focused on him, him, him. He resented the time & money "lavished" on the horse... (funny he never felt that way about his golf habit - which was at least as time and money intensive, LOL.)
Anyway I was devastated at the time but now look back on it and thank G*d every day that we ended up divorced. Mr. Lucassb is so much more fabulous, enormously supportive of my riding (as I am of his hobbies) and we have a terrific relationship and lots of fun together.
********** We move pretty fast for some rabid garden snails.
Hmmm. Shall we insult him and say he is a lowlife, whiney, immature jerk?
I can do that.
Shall we send chocolate/wine/ice cream?
We can do that too.
Can you go ride your horse? that always helps me, when things get sucky.
Please hang in there. I hope things look up in a few days.
Hey I'm turning 50 on Sunday. I was feeling a little stressed because in the last week I've broken my arm, gotten my horse a bone scan to find out he has navicular issues, had my friend drive my trailer into the curb and blow out a tire about 2 hours from home, hurt my knee and am getting an MRI tomorrow and may need surgery and my beagle got out of the crate and destroyed my house. I'm assuming 50 can't be alot worse! But I'm so sorry about what you're going through. I know it's brutal, but I know so many women who have really blossomed after a divorce, it can open up a whole new segment of your life.
Good thoughts to you, get through it one day at a time, and don't give up on the horse so quickly!
OP so sorry you're feeling badly. Remember we're all here for you for support and advice. I'm sure there will be lots of good ideas from many sources to help you keep your horse and your sanity.
First, go buy yourself a birthday present, then treat yourself to dinner with a friend, have some wine, and plot your strategy for extracting maximum financial pain from your soon to be ex. Don't be afraid to make those schemes wild, outrageous, and as evil as possible.
Seriously, though, don't discuss any 'plans' with the Mr. until you've seen a good lawyer.
It's not the horse. If it wasn't the horse it would be another excuse. And in my opinion no one just leaves, but is leaving to go to something they see as better and 'perfect'. I don't mean that they leave for another person, but the old 'grass is always greener' dream that people think will make them happier, and will be a great situation for them without the everyday responsibilities they are coping with now. And listen to Trevelyan. If nothing else get a consultation with the biggest shark divorce lawyer in town so you-know-who can't use them too.
I have no eloquent words of wisdom but...I did have a husband walk in one day and say those exact same words - and I am presently married to a different, wonderful, supportive, loving husband (who gives horses shots, fixes fences and maintains trails so that I have a place to ride ...
I know it doesn't feel good now ~ I remember feeling like I would just die, and I reminded myself that people live through it every day, that I couldn't actually die from it . I actually said these words to myself, "People live through this every day"....
You'll be okay ~ take care of yourself ~
Last edited by hundredacres; Jul. 28, 2010 at 11:53 PM.
I agree, it's not the horse, that's just his excuse. And hang onto that horse, you are going to need him! Where there is a will, there's a way. Find a cheaper board situation... it's amazing how the 'angels' that look after people and their horses will intervene in a time like this, my horse and I have always been 'provided for' (with new options etc) in amazingly serendipitous ways when we have been in a crisis!
For what it's worth, and this may be worthless info: a friend of mine made a serious mistake in leaving her home first when she found out her husband was cheating and about to leave her for someone else, somehow because of her packing up and leaving first, he ended up with the house. I am not sure what the legal fine points are around this situation, just that she told me later that if she had stayed in the house, he would not have been able to get it out from under her.
You will be better off without this person, unless he has a serious change of heart for some reason. You deserve so so so much better.
Like someone above said, things are really going to improve from here, you just wait and see.
I agree with the others who say that life can be MUCH better after divorce. I spent 12 years in a miserable marriage because I thought that it was the best thing for my daughter........man was I wrong. We are all very happy now. I have a wonderful husband who completely supports me and my horses This has nothing to do with your horse and everything to do with him being an ass.
Keep your horse and ditch your husband..........
RIP Sucha Smooth Whiskey
May 17,2004 - March 29, 2010
RIP San Lena Peppy
May 3, 1991 - March 11, 2010
I am so sorry, I know it is hard. I feel for your kids also, it will not be easy for them, I will be praying for you guys.
It is sad that a man cannot man up and care about others more than himself. so many men now days can't be a man. If only he looked at what all YOU did for him through these years! you may not have been a perfect wife, Nobody is, but he should still be there for you.
Happy Birthday tho! I hope things get better for you!
Sending you a happy birthday wish and a super hug.
Get good legal advice and protect yourself financially - there may be something going on behind all of this, like a traditional girlfriend. The horse is just an excuse that he's throwing in the air to distract you while he pulls shenanigans somewhere else.