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  1. #1
    AlterOhAlter Guest

    Default Now lets talk sex!

    My friends and I were watching sex and the city and we started talking about if it is acceptable to have that many sexual partners. I know some peoples issue is religion, and that is totally understandable, but what about people who aren't religious? Why do they people feel like sex is so precious? I mean it is sex.. It can mean something, but it doesn't have to. And how many is too many?



  2. #2
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    Assuming that you practice safe(er) sex, the problem with repeat/same person sex is usually that one of the people ends up wanting it to be a relationship while the other is still thinking no strings attached. A one time fling with someone you know is much easier to remain detached, than a long term friend's w/benefits thing.

    But there is always a risk (even though it might be small depending upon birth control method) of pregnancy, which you should be prepared to deal with.

    Since the number is something only you would know, it really is up to you. But sometimes you don't know how many is too many until later, when you are with someone where sex is special, and then you think "What was I doing?", and realize that you really were having sex for the wrong reasons (to feel loved/desired/etc). Then you need to learn to forgive yourself for what now feels like a "slutty" number.


    So personally, I feel like the number is an individual thing. But why would you post this under an alter?



  3. #3
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    What jetsmom said.
    Proud owner of a Slaughter-Bound TB from a feedlot, and her surprise baby...!
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  4. #4
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    I think it is easy to trivialize sex, particularly if one is young (although the chicks on Sex in the City strike me as getting a bit long in the tooth ). And it is very possible for one to enjoy the act of sex just for its own sake.

    But, as I age, and I look back upon my frivolous and oftentimes not so well thought out youth, I sometimes wonder WTF I was thinking.

    I have been thinking about this topic in part because at some point in the next few years I'm going to have to discuss it with my children. I plan to council them particularly on self-esteem and making choices for the right reason.

    Like jetsmom, I think that focusing on a number takes the meat out of the discussion. I got married when I was 37 years old, so there were more than "a few" boyfriends during those active sexual decades before I found the right person.

    So how many is too many? Any one that you look back on with regret is one too many. Thinking about that before leaping into the sack is not a bad idea.



  5. #5
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    Apr. 29, 2005
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    Well, being in my early 40s makes me aged but not yet old.... and here is an observation from the last 25 years or so of sexually active friends:

    Those who were having sex with anyone/everyone because it felt good were generally (and most still are) suffering from low self-esteem and really wanted to be liked/adored. There seems to be a tendency to repeat this pattern rather than learn from experience - and always wondering why they can't find a steady partner by now...

    Not saying this is true for everyone, but there certainly is a pattern in those that I know out there having serial sex.
    Quote Originally Posted by SmartAlex View Post

    Give it up. Many of us CoTHers are trapped at a computer all day with no way out, and we hunt in packs. So far it as all been in good fun. You should be thankful for that.



  6. #6
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    One of my friends said - you never regret how much sex you had, but you will regret the sex you didn't have. Personally I find this to be more accurate, at least amongst my same age married friends.


    I have no regrets. IMO in order to get where you are today, you have to have lived your past. The most unhappy women I know were the ones who were always holding out for someone or something special. They missed out on a lot, trying to not have any experiences that would actually make them able to know special when they finally experienced it.


    Just another perspective.
    "Kindness is free" ~ Eurofoal
    ---
    The CoTH CYA - please consult w/your veterinarian under any and all circumstances.



  7. #7
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    Oct. 26, 2005
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    I didn't put sex on a pedastal, but I didn't put out for just anyone in college. My test: Did they know my horses' names? If yes, and the mood was right and all that jazz, I would have. But only 2 guys have fit that bill, and number 2 is shaping up to be my forever man

    It may seem weird, that test, but what it actually reflects is how well they know me, and probably in turn how well I know them. If we know each other well enough they know the horse's names, then I know them well enough to know what kind of support they would be if the worst were to happen.

    Usually, it just wasn't worth the risk to me. The pill isn't perfect. Having an abortion isn't free, and having a baby would have ruined everything. Getting an STD would suck a hell of a lot. When I weighed all those factors, it usually was just fine to make out and let hands wander.

    Even drunk, in the heat of the moment, I made that choice every time.



  8. #8
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    I think there's a happy medium between "OMG, sex is so very very very magickal and only for people who are really really in lurve because that makes flowers bloom from the sheets and lures unicorns" and being a raging whore.

    What, specifically, that happy medium is probably is different for different people, like everything else. I mean, I like nutella pretty much every day, by the spoonful. It makes me feel happy. Other people might find that awful, and prefer their nutella infrequently to make it more special, or will only eat it if it's in things, to make it feel more socially acceptable. Does my addiction to hazelnut-chocolate spread mean I have a problem? Or is it just something that makes my day a little better?
    "smile a lot can let us ride happy,it is good thing"

    My CANTER blog.



  9. #9
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    Actually since whores get paid that's an entirely different category

    I do think it's important to never lose sight of what your bodies subplot is. Basically, it is trying to reproduce. We have all these ideas about it but really our body is mostly trying to propagate our species. Good reason to keep a close watch on it!
    "Kindness is free" ~ Eurofoal
    ---
    The CoTH CYA - please consult w/your veterinarian under any and all circumstances.



  10. #10
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    Dec. 7, 2006
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jaideux View Post
    I didn't put sex on a pedastal, but I didn't put out for just anyone in college. My test: Did they know my horses' names? If yes, and the mood was right and all that jazz, I would have. But only 2 guys have fit that bill, and number 2 is shaping up to be my forever man
    That's not even a good weekend.



  11. #11
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    I think there's a happy medium between "OMG, sex is so very very very magickal and only for people who are really really in lurve because that makes flowers bloom from the sheets and lures unicorns" and being a raging whore.
    Thanks, caffeinated, i needed a new facebook status.
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  12. #12
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    I don't think sex is in and of itself sacred. I think my body and my health are sacred. It is SO easy to contract diseases in any sexual encounter, and many of those diseases are symptomless, especially for women. HPV is a huge concern for the current young adult generation, as the vaccine against the most dangerous strain came out after many of us became sexually active. My best friend contracted it and has been warned by her OB/GYN that her chances of getting cervical cancer have increased exponentially.

    So many young women think pregnancy is the biggest risk related to being sexually active. With the various birth control options and barrier methods available to women these days, pregnancy should be the least of anyone's concern. Gambling with sex is like gambling with drugs these days. Just dangerous.
    Here today, gone tomorrow...



  13. #13
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    I used to think that there was no "magic number", and as long as you were okay with it, it was no problem. So my number is not god awfully large but... it's definitely not a small number. I've never had a one night stand, but there were friends I knew where the next step was taken... It never goes back to how it was.

    I really regret it, in hindsight. Like someone else said, I didn't have enough self esteem to place any value on myself, and just wanted to feel attractive/liked/whatever. Yeah, I can admit it now.

    Now that I'm finally in a healthy relationship... I wish I had placed a better value on myself. But all's well that ends well I guess.



  14. #14
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    I don't believe that sex in and of itself is magical and sacred. I used to, but not anymore.

    I used to believe that I would be with one person, that we would have sex after we were married, and that what my mother told me was true that it was a wifely duty but not something to really enjoy.

    What changed? I did. I recently told my goddaughter that its not who or how many, its about the right ones. If you give too much to the wrong guy then you have nothing left to give to the right one. Is that what you really want?
    Riding the winds of change

    Heeling NRG Aussies
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  15. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rhyadawn View Post
    If you give too much to the wrong guy then you have nothing left to give to the right one.
    As someone with a few of the wrong ones in my past - I don't regret that either. It's all part of the life experience. You don't always know what really good is (both physically and emotionally) till you know what bad is. Even my "bad" decisions have made me the person I am and led me to the really good place I'm at now. Nor do I think I've "lost" anything by those experiences - the idea that I have "given" something that I'll never get back is, I admit, not something I really get.

    I think the real key is having respect for yourself. Two otherwise identical people can have the same "number" and same number of "wrong guys" in their past and feel completely different about it. It's not about a number, or even bad decisions, it's about how people learn from their past and how they take care of themselves, and how they view themselves.
    "smile a lot can let us ride happy,it is good thing"

    My CANTER blog.



  16. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by caffeinated View Post
    As someone with a few of the wrong ones in my past - I don't regret that either. It's all part of the life experience. You don't always know what really good is (both physically and emotionally) till you know what bad is. Even my "bad" decisions have made me the person I am and led me to the really good place I'm at now. Nor do I think I've "lost" anything by those experiences - the idea that I have "given" something that I'll never get back is, I admit, not something I really get.

    I think the real key is having respect for yourself. Two otherwise identical people can have the same "number" and same number of "wrong guys" in their past and feel completely different about it. It's not about a number, or even bad decisions, it's about how people learn from their past and how they take care of themselves, and how they view themselves.
    Agreed with all the above... especially the last paragraph!!!
    Proudly living in my "let's save the world bubble"!



  17. #17
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    I think (i know!) the danger with waiting for "the right ones" is that you then end up denying yourself some pretty basic (and fun!) urges because nobody loves you. It's just as bad for the self-esteem. There's no number that makes me think "eek, that's too many!" It's all context. I think the question to ask is, "Does this hurt somebody?" If it's your best friend's boyfriend, it doesn't matter if it's your first and her fiftieth--you're the one in the wrong. And if you are being reckless with your body and not taking proper precautions, then it's a problem. But as for sheer quantity? Who cares!



  18. #18
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    Quote Originally Posted by 00pisces View Post
    I think (i know!) the danger with waiting for "the right ones" is that you then end up denying yourself some pretty basic (and fun!) urges because nobody loves you. It's just as bad for the self-esteem. There's no number that makes me think "eek, that's too many!" It's all context. I think the question to ask is, "Does this hurt somebody?" If it's your best friend's boyfriend, it doesn't matter if it's your first and her fiftieth--you're the one in the wrong. And if you are being reckless with your body and not taking proper precautions, then it's a problem. But as for sheer quantity? Who cares!
    I don't mean "the" right one, as in the one and only you will marry, I mean not throwing yourself at the first thing you see. My gd is 12, and already interested in boys. That's ok, but when her classmate who is 13 just found out she is pregnant thats not!

    I don't regret who I have slept with, though I do regret wanting to sleep with my ex, but thats another story altogether. Then again my numbers aren't that high, so I don't know.
    Riding the winds of change

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  19. #19
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    Here are my thoughts.

    In my way of thinking (I am past the "crazy" stage, and married w/kid now). I have had some very special one night flings, I have had "What was I thinking" flings.

    For me, the "what was I thinking" sex made the trivialized the sex with the "special" people.
    I still get the shutters when I think about some of the things I have done in the past, and wish that I had'nt. As I did not learn/gain anything from it-it was just a physical thing.

    Where as with some of my partners, I felt a right, special, and treasured. At the end of the day, I have to admit that I have had "relations" with ?? number of people, and only ?? would I do again.



  20. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by EqTrainer View Post
    One of my friends said - you never regret how much sex you had, but you will regret the sex you didn't have. Personally I find this to be more accurate, at least amongst my same age married friends.


    I have no regrets. IMO in order to get where you are today, you have to have lived your past. The most unhappy women I know were the ones who were always holding out for someone or something special. They missed out on a lot, trying to not have any experiences that would actually make them able to know special when they finally experienced it.


    Just another perspective.
    Agree completely. I find that in most areas of life, we regret more what we did not do than what we did.

    (Disclaimer....I'm not talking about risky behaviour, unsafe sex and doing things that might get you hurt or killed. Waking up drunk at a party wondering if you just had sex with someone is NEVER a good thing )
    I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.



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