The Chronicle of the Horse
MagazineNewsHorse SportsHorse CareCOTH StoreVoicesThe Chronicle UntackedDirectoriesMarketplaceDates & Results
 
Results 1 to 20 of 20
  1. #1
    Join Date
    Feb. 13, 2010
    Posts
    20

    Default Is Anyone Else's Heart Broken this VDay?

    I hesitated to post this but hoped maybe it would make me feel better.

    Two weeks ago I threw out my live in boyfriend for an attempt to cheat on me. It wasn't his first offense. At the time I was so angry that it was the only thing I could say was "get out, just get out." And I feel like I have just been feeling worse and worse since it happened.

    I keep thinking it's party my fault. I know I can only be responsible for my own actions and it was his choice to do what he did, but I feel like I have been going through a lot personally (stress, job, never really recovering from the first offense on his part) that made me get more and more distant. And his response to any time I would bring up that I didn't feel ok about things was to get defensive, so I just stopped bringing it up. I just internalized things but as I was feeling badly it presented itself as aloofness/apathy, I think.
    And then I keep thinking..he didn't *actually* cheat on me. Either time. The first offense, nothing physical happened until after I found out about the electronic contact he had with her..I broke it off..He went out with her once or twice, and came back to me in tears wanting to work it out.
    This second time, again, no physical cheating; he procured a number off a girl we met while out with friends (he got the number off of his friend, not her directly), texted her saying "I think you're hot" and "would you like to go out sometime?" (which, to her credit, she declined bc of me). I snagged his phone on a hunch while he was sleeping and found that the night it happened. I don't know if it would have gone further than that, but that was far enough for me.

    I had never dealt with this before. I've dated long-term before but never dealt with cheating.

    For a week after he left, I had no contact with him at all and now he's been sporadically contacting me with just small talk. I feel better on the days I get any contact from him; worse the days I don't. This cannot continue; I don't know what to do. I've lost about 10lbs in 2 weeks (and I am not a big person). Half of his stuff is still in my house and I cannot bear to stay there; I've been living on a friend's couch. It's my house and I cannot even be there.

    I keep thinking maybe I didn't do the right thing. Maybe I should have heard him out and maybe I should have been more emotionally available. I know other people have been through this kind of thing. How do I get through this? What do I do? Some days I think I will be okay, others I wake up in a panic.

    Any words of wisdom are appreciated.



  2. #2
    Join Date
    Mar. 5, 2009
    Location
    In a barn
    Posts
    967

    Default

    I'm sorry that your heart is broken. But, here's my advice. Have a friend box up all your ex-boyfriend's stuff, and toss it in the street. Lock your doors, and don't answer the phone if the jerk calls.

    I don't understand why you'd even consider wanting this guy back. Cheating on you? Twice? You should be happy that he's gone. Now he's just toying with you for ego's sake.



  3. #3
    Join Date
    Oct. 2, 2007
    Location
    Beyond the pale.
    Posts
    2,957

    Default

    yes, it is your fault for not breaking it off the first time.

    Unless you have an agreement with your live-in that both of you can date and sleep with other people while living together, the sort of behavior you describe is unacceptable breach of trust. And it is driving you to become a suspicious snoopy bitter woman. Do you want to be that person?
    "The Threat of Internet Ignorance: ... we are witnessing the rise of an age of equestrian disinformation, one where a trusting public can graze on nonsense packaged to look like fact."-LRG-AF



  4. #4
    Join Date
    Apr. 28, 2008
    Posts
    7,467

    Default

    Honey, he didn't actually cheat because you caught him before he had the opportunity. That's just as bad.

    Not only is he a cheater, he's either too stupid to avoid getting caught or WANTS you to catch him so you will dump him.

    Ditch the loser, have a celebratory glass of bubbly with some girlfriends, take six months off (my cardinal rule to avoid rebound ugliness) and then start looking to find someone worthy of you. Good luck.

    And repeat after me: NOTHING ABOUT THIS WAS MY FAULT. Good people don't cheat.



  5. #5
    Join Date
    Nov. 30, 2000
    Location
    Kentucky
    Posts
    7,572

    Default

    The fact that he didn't cheat but only tried to, is a moot point in my opinion. If he'd have been smarter, he'd have managed it and having tried twice, I wouldn't think there's any doubt that he'll try again.

    So ask yourself...if this really the kind of guy you want to spend your precious time with? If the answer is yes, if I were you, I would make sure that I had good medical insurance.



  6. #6
    Join Date
    Dec. 15, 2003
    Posts
    1,397

    Default

    A few years back I was dating a guy that tried to cheat on me. It was humiliating to watch him chase after the other woman. He used the fact that he never had sex with or even kissed her to convince me not to dump him. A couple of his friends who I also considered "friends" at the time also talked to me about it, and advocated for him.

    What I ended up doing was wasting quite a bit of time on a loser that would have cheated on me, but the other woman was smarter than I am and wouldn't let him touch her. Not fun.

    Don't get back with the guy. Move on. Find someone nice. Someone supportive and not so selfish or whiny. Someone who you can talk to when you're stressed.



  7. #7
    Join Date
    Feb. 13, 2010
    Posts
    20

    Default

    I don't think that I would get back with him even if he attempted it. That's not the issue. The issue is, having never gone through this, I had a different idea of it. He is not a diabolical guy. He is polite and helpful and nice. He's quiet and funny and passionate. It's so hard to see this guy as the cheating guy. I don't feel like I don't want him in my life because obviously, at some point things were very, very good. I'm not one to arbitrarily jump into relationships and I've never lived with anyone before. I'm not yet 30 so I know I am "young" but I've been in LTRs before and none compared to this one, not even close. I know it sounds stupid and corny, particularly given the current circumstances, but this was the first relationship I've been in where I feel I genuinely cared more about my partner than myself.

    My self esteem has always been a bit of an issue for me and now it is literally non-existant. And I do not know how to see past that.



  8. #8
    Join Date
    Apr. 28, 2008
    Posts
    7,467

    Default

    I know it is hard. ((hugs)) Consider finding someone to talk to about the self-esteem problem. You are clearly a person who is very giving of herself, and you deserve someone who will give back. Hang in there.



  9. #9
    Join Date
    Apr. 28, 2004
    Location
    Saratoga Springs, NY
    Posts
    4,563

    Default

    guys can be polite and helpful and nice and quiet and funny and passionate and still be lying cheating a**holes. just look at the father of timex jr. he's a really good guy. likes my horses, is a good father, the whole 9. he's been with the wh*re he cheated on me with on and off for 3 years now, and they have a really crappy relationship, and he's admitted to screwing up and getting himself into a horrible situation. karma's a b*tch, isn't it? lol i have self-esteem issues, as well as being manic-depressive. it was bad for awhile, lost a bunch of weight, was really sick, but i found a new place for me and jr, threw myself into a new job and my horses/son/friends, and now, i'm in a much better place than i ever could have been, even if he hadn't cheated on me, and we were still together. give it time, go through the grieving process and it will get better, i promise.



  10. #10
    Join Date
    Feb. 13, 2010
    Posts
    20

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by fordtraktor View Post
    I know it is hard. ((hugs)) Consider finding someone to talk to about the self-esteem problem. You are clearly a person who is very giving of herself, and you deserve someone who will give back. Hang in there.
    Thank you; I am thinking about doing that (seeing someone). Which makes me even more upset that I cannot deal with this alone.



  11. #11
    Join Date
    Jun. 24, 2006
    Posts
    1,919

    Default

    Don't feel bad that you can't deal with it alone. You can... but it's easier with someone to talk to.

    Prior to my current boyfriend, I never had a hard time breaking up, moving on, etc with LTRs. But I know how you feel... because he's incredible to me, and if I were in your shoes and found out he was cheating or trying to... I'd be devastated.

    Give yourself some credit and some time... This is a big shock. But block his calls and texts, put his stuff outside and give him a time to come get it. If it's not gone from the front lawn that very day, just have a friend with a truck help you take it to the dump. Forget that.

    Maybe years from now you can forgive and never forget, and be friendly with each other (But no dating!)... But for now, block the asshole and focus on healing yourself.



  12. #12
    Join Date
    Feb. 13, 2010
    Posts
    20

    Default

    My head tells me I did the right thing but my heart won't. I keep thinking it takes two to screw something up.

    I am not one to scream or demand anything. It is very difficult for me to say "you need to have everything gone by X." And I so want him to understand how terrible I feel that I WANT to have a talk about it but I can't now.
    I feel like if I were viewing this situation from the outside, I would peg me as an idiot. I don't know how long to expect to feel this way. It's just so tough.

    Worst Valentine's Day Ever



  13. #13
    Join Date
    Jan. 4, 2001
    Location
    On the Highway to Hell
    Posts
    84

    Default

    Yes. See my thread on my 45 year old boyfriend and his 23 year old female virgin houseguest.



  14. #14
    Join Date
    Jun. 18, 2007
    Posts
    4,182

    Default

    It does NOT always take two to screw something up. Sometimes, one dishonest person can do it solo.

    I speak from experience, not mine but my mom's. Her second husband was a supreme cheater. Also the best liar, bar none, I have ever met in my life. His history was majorly edited as given to Mom. His actual history, uncovered later by PI during a court case when he was after custody of my younger brother (accusing HER of being an unfit parent ) was even more extensive than the history she eventually knew about at the time she dumped him.

    He wasn't at all diabolical. He was polite, charming, quiet, pleasant, had wonderful manners, and everybody who met him liked him - for about a year. Then they realized that there were no real commitments or morals behind that face.

    To quote Shakespeare, "One may smile and smile and be a villain."

    You are far better off without him. By having the strength to do this now, you have avoided far more heartache in the future. Good for you.



  15. #15
    Join Date
    Apr. 6, 2005
    Location
    Frozen tundra
    Posts
    1,516

    Default

    It definitely does NOT take two to screw things up!!! Us horse women are so used to being the ones responsible for our horses' failures that we apply that logic to the people in our lives, too.

    This is not your horse taking the wrong lead because you were sloppy in your cue. This is not your horse becoming nippy because you hand feed it treats. This is not your horse refusing a jump because you didn't count strides.

    This is a man, who uses logic and reasoning, who is capable of devious behavior, and who is responsible for his own actions. You are NEVER responsible for the actions of others. Ever. Unless you have some amazing psychic human-control abilities, in which case, you must share your techniques with us.

    Get your hands on the book "10 Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives" and read it. At least twice. And then live it.



  16. #16
    Join Date
    Jan. 14, 2003
    Location
    Massachusetts
    Posts
    6,005

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by fordtraktor View Post
    Not only is he a cheater, he's either too stupid to avoid getting caught or WANTS you to catch him so you will dump him.
    Or he wants yo to be all up to speed on what a life with him will look like. Putting up with this behavior and taking him back is tacit approval, especially if it develops into a pattern that repeats itself.

    I agree with the poster that said have a good friend come hep you pack up his stuff.

    Then figure out why you are having a hard time at not staying outraged at someone who would treat you so disrespectfully.



  17. #17
    Join Date
    Mar. 4, 2004
    Location
    Louisville, KY
    Posts
    4,019

    Default

    You made a good decision, stick with it. If you take him back, you will never trust him again. How would you go the rest of your lives with no trust?

    Caitlin
    Caitlin
    *OMGiH I Loff my Mare* and *My Saddlebred Can Do Anything Your Horse Can Do*
    http://community.webshots.com/user/redmare01



  18. #18
    Join Date
    Jan. 30, 2010
    Location
    where the red fern grows
    Posts
    335

    Default You too?

    Wow what timing for this post. I'm not usually one to chronicle my personal life on the internet, but I feel drawn to this one. I discovered last Thursday that my live-in boyfriend of 3 years has been cheating since at least early january. I am shocked and hurt beyond my wildest dreams. He still doesn't know that I know, because he owns the house we live in, and I need to get my stuff and cut ties in the most drama-free way possible. I have decided to leave a short letter for him to read when he comes home from work this Tuesday and I am gone.

    Quote Originally Posted by Timex View Post
    guys can be polite and helpful and nice and quiet and funny and passionate and still be lying cheating a**holes.
    For me this is the worst part of the situation. This is my first experience with cheating also, and I would have bet my right arm he was not a cheater, until I saw the proof with my own 2eyes. What a wake up call to me- I sincerely, beyond a shadow of a doubt trusted and believed in him. How naive of me.

    Fortunately I have the best friends in the world that are taking good care of me. I have decided to turn this into an opportunity to really get serious about my horse's training and progression. I have no one else to entertain now, and that is the best way for me to occupy my mind. I am going to take up my trainer on her offer of a part-time working student position. I am going to start reading all those little-bit-dry books written by top trainers that I have always had intentions to read. I'm going to go to all the shows around here, even if I'm not showing, just to network and watch and enjoy.

    Quote Originally Posted by Alterior_Motive View Post
    this was the first relationship I've been in where I feel I genuinely cared more about my partner than myself.
    Agreed and understood. I don't know how I am going to trudge through the next few days of moving out and the aftermath, but I'm not going to keel over and die, so somehow I'll have to deal. I have found that getting out of the house with an upbeat friend, be it lunch or whatever, has been the best anti-dote so far.

    I think the absolute only way to ever get over this a**hole is to kick him out of your life with steel-toe boots on. Tell him to back off if you want, or simply quit anwsering him. I have no intention of ever talking to my cheater again. Unfortunately we work for the same company...I'm sure I'll see him in passing at some point. Oh well.

    Btw, our anniversary is Feb 14. How's that for kicking me when I'm down?
    The best is yet to come



  19. #19
    Join Date
    Jan. 31, 2003
    Posts
    18,472

    Default

    Oh my dear...

    I know this sounds corny but you are young and you are worth more than a man who texts:

    saying "I think you're hot" and "would you like to go out sometime?"

    This is not a nice man. You have been deceived. That is hard to accept and makes you feel bad for a while on many levels. What you have to try to remember is that you are just practicing right now. You learned a lot in this relationship and now it's over. You'll take what you learned to the next one and you'll be better for it.

    Defianately see a counselor but remember... you didn't do anything wrong. Take an afternoon, pack up his things and text him where to pick them up. And that is that.
    "Kindness is free" ~ Eurofoal
    ---
    The CoTH CYA - please consult w/your veterinarian under any and all circumstances.



  20. #20
    Join Date
    Nov. 13, 2002
    Location
    PA, where the State motto is: "If it makes sense, we don't do it!".
    Posts
    11,288

    Default

    Which makes me even more upset that I cannot deal with this alone.
    Losing someone (whether they leave or die) is one of the worst blows a person can face.

    There are plenty of us out here who need someone to talk to when things go wrong. In the past (and I mean the past) we used to rely on friends to talk things out with but since everyone is busy with their own lives we now have to rely on strangers (whom we pay dearly for the privilege of helping us sort out our messes).

    It's not you!

    In a couple of years you'll look back on this time and see you've made it through with flying colors.

    There are plenty of good guys out there but how could you meet them if you were still tied down to this bum? Think of this as a blessing in disguise.

    But don't throw his stuff out in the street! Don't you guys watch People's Court? Box it up but tell him to come get it tomorrow so you don't have it sitting around reminding you of him! Make sure he gets everything the first time so you don't have to ever deal with him again....

    Good luck! If you need any ears we are right here to listen to you. You can PM me....
    "Happiness equals reality minus expectations." ~Tom Magliozzi~ of the infamous duo, Click and Clack Tappet, Car Talk hosts. RIP, Tom 6/28/37-11/3/14



Similar Threads

  1. "The Horse That Died of a Broken Heart"
    By Mike Matson in forum Off Course
    Replies: 10
    Last Post: Mar. 22, 2012, 01:43 AM
  2. Who actually LIKES vday? I do..
    By DeucesWild11 in forum Off Topic
    Replies: 14
    Last Post: Feb. 15, 2011, 12:57 AM
  3. Replies: 6
    Last Post: Oct. 9, 2009, 06:27 PM
  4. RIP Reilly Go Bragh. My heart is broken.
    By TeddyRocks in forum Dressage
    Replies: 31
    Last Post: May. 29, 2009, 12:19 PM
  5. My heart is broken.....lost a foal today...
    By HSGF in forum Sport Horse Breeding
    Replies: 69
    Last Post: Dec. 20, 2008, 09:17 AM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •