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  1. #21
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    Sep. 16, 1999
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    Quote Originally Posted by 4Martini View Post
    I'll never forget when DH and I got our marriage licence and the women at the counter called over other people to see our application and said she hadn't seen one like it for years.

    The unusual part- both of our parents were still married and lived in the towns we were born in...
    The family of 3 that I mentioned... all 3 sets of parents are still together anywhere from 35 to 45 years. 2 of the 3 in the family were high school sweethearts and have been together for over 18 years (between dating and a legal marriage).

    But you must be ready for marriage & you must make that commitment with yourself first before you make it to another.
    robert, I agree! I guess this is where a lot of people fall short...they either don't know or simply don't care to make that commitment and stick to it!
    ************
    "Of course it's hard. It's supposed to be hard. It's the Hard that makes it great."

    "Get up... Get out... Get Drunk. Repeat as needed." -- Spike



  2. #22
    Join Date
    Apr. 13, 2005
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    Rochester NY
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    it seems so many people my age, or slightly younger (early to mid 20's) are getting married as a status symbol.. like "I must be doing something right cuz I'm married". People even say things like that to me "you must be doing something right - youre married, you own a house, etc"... No, I found the right person, I worked hard to achieve goals, no one helped me. Mom and Dad certainly didn't help me pay for a house or find me a husband.. I never wanted to be married before I was 30, actually... I thought 23/24 was waaaay to young to commit to something like that, but I did it, because it was right. We've been married for 2 years, and have been together for over 7.

    IMO I would never never never have an open relationship. For one, I'm incredibly selfish and don't want to share... I would feel wrong being with anyone else too. BUT I don't judge (and have not judged) others who have the open marriage - although I can say those who I knew who were "swingers" or w/e are now divorced.



  3. #23
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    Jun. 18, 2007
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    40, never married. Would like to be someday, but if the right one doesn't come along, I'm happy single.

    I think that's a big key these days. So many people are not happy with themselves, satisfied with who they are. If you don't have good self-esteem, sense of responsibility, contentment with yourself as a person, you aren't going to suddenly develop all of that and have it last just by marriage. Be happy in yourself first, then be happier with him/her, but a lot of folks skip step one. Two incomplete people cannot make one complete relationship. That's based on something I've heard from many of the happily married couples I know - and from some of the wiser-now people who had failed relationships in the past and have realized why.

    And yes, we have a "disposable society" concept. Instant gratification. Love is not an emotion, it is a commitment. Can you imagine a woman saying to her kid the umpteenth time she gets up in the middle of the night to change diapers or whatever, "Oh, the magic just isn't there anymore. I'm tired of getting up like this. At this moment at 2:00 a.m. when I haven't slept, I don't feel like I did at first, so I think we'd better go separate ways." Nope, she committed, and if that means changing goopy diapers when she's worn out, had a bad day, and would rather sleep, tough luck. Why is that same standard of commitment not carried to an SO relationship?

    But we are a feelings-based society, not a commitment-based society. I'm not saying there aren't sometimes valid grounds for divorce, but it shouldn't be your alternative exit plan just in case things don't work.

    And by the way, I know very many happily married couples. I just don't see them on TV, don't read about them in books, and don't see movies made about them, because the media knows good and well that we are by and large a feelings-based society, and that's what sells.

    And no, I'd never have an open relationship. I don't even like other people riding my horse.



  4. #24
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    Jul. 13, 2004
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    I'm one half of what used to be a happy married couple. Life threw (and has continued to throw) curveball after curveball, we grew apart, we grew more and more apart, and then I had an affair.

    We are both miserable. I used to love this man like crazy....and he still loves me. I keep trying to figure out where my love for him went, like it's a file I've misplaced. We go to counseling. We do housework, we do horse stuff, we go to friends' parties and dinners.

    I think about the man I fell in love with during the last year - the man I had the affair with. I wonder if we could have a life together. I wonder if he's the man I think he is. I wonder if it would be a mistake to leave my marriage.....or would the bigger mistake be to stay? I don't know.

    What I do know, is that I damned well better be sure of what I do before I do it. I'm not leaving because I'm unhappy and not in love. There are worse things, like an abusive relationship....and having to sell your horses, and rehome others that aren't really useful. You then start thinking about the "what ifs"....like my semi-retired mare who is my heart, she's earned her retirement, and she's not useful to anyone else on this earth. But she's happy, and mostly sound even....if I leave this marriage, I might have to euth her.

    So I stay until the question of "Can you take it anymore?" becomes "absolutely not, even if I have to euth my mare". I'm not happy - but I will go through a hell of a lot more to make sure that I'm not forced to euth a horse when there's no medical reason to do so.

    And obviously, this is not an alter. I know what I did and I don't try to hide it. I made a choice.



  5. #25
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    Feb. 6, 2003
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    NorthEast
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    And no, I'd never have an open relationship. I don't even like other people riding my horse.


    Well put dressagetraks!

    Imagine a cheating relationship in equine terms. (since so many horse BB members have a tough time empathizing with human stuff)
    You own a horse...and when you're not at the barn or home (where you keep your horse) someone else decides they really like the looks of your horse and sneak in and take it for a ride.
    The horse goes nicely for them and they've heard that the horse sometimes bucks with you or doesn't bend to the left or whatever. So that person decides *they* are better for that horse and they think the horse likes them better because theynk it performs better for them.
    So they make it a common thing to sneak around when you aren't around to ride your horse.
    Now in a normal thinking person's world...they'd buy that horse before making a habit of riding it without the owner's permission. And if the owner didn't want to sell, they'd go find another horse that was for sale.
    You jump in the saddle,
    Hold onto the bridle!
    Jump in the line!
    ...Belefonte



  6. #26
    Join Date
    Sep. 16, 1999
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    I'm a little confused only because you commented on DressageTrak's note on open relationships then proceeded to carry her analogy into a cheating situation. Are you saying you equate open relationships to cheating?

    The open relationship equivalent would be something like a partial long-term lease (or short term whatever you BOTH agree to) and that both riders get along well with the horse.
    ************
    "Of course it's hard. It's supposed to be hard. It's the Hard that makes it great."

    "Get up... Get out... Get Drunk. Repeat as needed." -- Spike



  7. #27
    Join Date
    Mar. 26, 2005
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    Back to Normal.. or as close as I'll ever get
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    A Marriage License is just a piece of paper.

    The committment is either there or not.

    Putting on the white dress or tux and hosting a fancy dinner for 300 of your closest friends & family does not equal a true committment.

    I was with my DH for 30 years.
    We were married just for the last 3 and would still be today if he hadn't passed away.

    Of course we were married in the true sense of the word for every one of those years.
    Good years.
    Bad years.
    Routine years.
    We were in it together.
    *friend of bar.ka*RIP all my lovely boys, gone too soon:
    Steppin' Out 1988-2004
    Hey Vern! 1982-2009
    Cash's Bay Threat 1994-2009



  8. #28
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    Sep. 20, 2005
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    OP, from your responses I get the feeling that you are looking for some sort of validation for your choices. Why? As long as you are happy, why care what others think?

    The choice to be in an open relationship/marriage is no better and no worse than any other choice. Honestly, who really cares what other people do with their lives?
    "Are you yawning? You don't ride well enough to yawn. I can yawn, because I ride better than you. Meredith Michael Beerbaum can yawn. But you? Not so much..."
    -George Morris



  9. #29
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    Sep. 16, 1999
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    SNL... not looking for validation for my choices. But you'd be surprised at "who cares what other people do with their lives". (so many of our country's problems could be solved if people REALLY didn't care waht others did with their lives!)

    I don't remember this specific topic being brought up here before so perhaps was was curious as to what folks here think. And, per me being me, as I read the replies, I felt like commenting. No real reflection on what my relationship is or isn't, really.

    So maybe I just should have asked... what would you say/do/think if someone you knew (acquaintance/good friend/whatever if it matters) told you that they were in a happy, stable, long term relationship that was made up of 3 people. What if this person was related to you? Do you really believe in live and let live or would your opinion of the person change?
    ************
    "Of course it's hard. It's supposed to be hard. It's the Hard that makes it great."

    "Get up... Get out... Get Drunk. Repeat as needed." -- Spike



  10. #30
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    Mar. 4, 2004
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    Louisville, KY
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    Good marriages do still exist...DH and I are both 25, have been married a year, and are very happy. We did date and were engaged for several years before tying the knot.

    That said, if both parties agree to an open marriage, or whatever, I have no problem with their decision.

    Caitlin
    Caitlin
    *OMGiH I Loff my Mare* and *My Saddlebred Can Do Anything Your Horse Can Do*
    http://community.webshots.com/user/redmare01



  11. #31
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    Jul. 24, 2008
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    If people get married, divorced, common-law, I really don't care. People should be happy. It's no better to stay happily married to one person for 25 years than it is to be happily single or to be divorced and remarried. It's not right or wrong or better it just is what it is.

    I think it's pretty inappropriate to comment on whether someone "gave up" on their marriage or how seriously committed someone was or wasn't.

    I would *never* be involved in any kind of open relationship but I don't give a hoot who is sleeping with who, it's not my business.



  12. #32
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    Jan. 1, 2008
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    Quote Originally Posted by tle View Post
    Which brings me to the real subject of this post. Divorce is on the rise... Adultery is a main cause of most divorces...
    Actually, it's money.

    My parents have been married nearly 60 years. I married in my 30s with an education and a well-established career. I strongly advise that all women do the same.

    I think marriage is a victim of our ever-developing culture and economics. Women no longer have to stay married for support/dependency and can make it on their own. I think this is especially evident with the younger generation now, particularly for women. I think I read somewhere that women now account for the majority of divorce filings. They don't have to sit around and take it anymore.



  13. #33
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    Oct. 12, 2001
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    If people get married, divorced, common-law, I really don't care. People should be happy. It's no better to stay happily married to one person for 25 years than it is to be happily single or to be divorced and remarried. It's not right or wrong or better it just is what it is.
    ditto. Who cares who they sleep with. If they decide to have children, both parents need to commit to raising the kids, but who cares what consenting adults decide amongst themselves to "commit" to. I personally find the idea of "marriage" offensive- you realize it's all about selling and controlling women, right? what's so beautiful about a girl and her possessions being sold by her male relatives to an unrelated man?



  14. #34
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    Sep. 16, 1999
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    Ohio: Charter Member - COTH Hockey Clique & COTH Buffy Clique
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    Didn't say adultery was THE main cause of most divorces... but it is A main cause. Yes money is the #1, but infidelity is up there at #2 depending on what source you find.
    ************
    "Of course it's hard. It's supposed to be hard. It's the Hard that makes it great."

    "Get up... Get out... Get Drunk. Repeat as needed." -- Spike



  15. #35
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    Jun. 21, 2008
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    Well I have never been married, so not my experience, just my views. I think it really depends on the person. I enjoy meeting new people, new cultures, new food and the same goes for my personal life. It is just exciting to be with someone that is totally different. Now as with all things new, the novelty wears off!

    But I don't confuse that with love. But the only rule I have is I won't have a relationship with someone who is cheating with their spouse. Not judgemental-that is between them and their spouse-but too much baggage and stress! Plus I really don't wan't to be the cause of heartache and breakups.

    But open relationships on the other hand, as long as both are aware, then that is their choice. Both may look at their marraige a little different. Now if I ever get married(actually the thing that scares me away the most is alimony-at least in India you can pay off the judge and lower it!) I don't think I would wan't to be in one and have flings all over the place. But I also don't think I wan't to be tied down to that one person for ever. Me personally an occassional fling always livens things up . If you get married, then no point in sleeping with evrything that comes your way-but that is just my view. In the sense I would wan't a pretty close to monogamous relationship, with an odd fling ok here and there-I know kinda had to describe it-maybe that is why I am still single!

    But I am happy either way. Plus marraiges end in two ways-death or divorce-then you become single again and find somebodyelse again! Unless of course you both die on the same day.



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