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  1. #1
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    Sep. 16, 1999
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    9,143

    Default marriage and its alternatives

    There are threads about cheating spouses. A thread about being a mistress. Threads about divorces. It's insane! What is it about making a commitment and being in a relationship that makes it so hard! Granted maybe I am naive... I'm 40 and have been married for only 18 months (together for 4 years now). It just seems sad to me that folks can't seem to make life together work.

    Which brings me to the real subject of this post. Divorce is on the rise... Adultery is a main cause of most divorces... And Serial Monogamy seems to be the relationship style of most people anymore (the "I'm faithful to him/her... until something better comes along, then I'll break it off with this person to be faithful to that one"). So I ask... why are so many people against "alternatives"? What about a couple having an open marriage makes people FREAK OUT so badly?

    I have my own opinions on the subject and no one is likely to change my mind so I'm not entirely sure what I'm asking for here... maybe a debate? maybe just a poll to see where Coth folks stand? I dunno. I do know that reading some of the off topic posts about cheaters and divorces makes me wonder why people DON'T think about alternatives if they're unhappy.
    ************
    "Of course it's hard. It's supposed to be hard. It's the Hard that makes it great."

    "Get up... Get out... Get Drunk. Repeat as needed." -- Spike



  2. #2
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    Default

    Another couple being in an open relationship/marriage doesn't freak me out. However, I know that I would be very unhappy with such an arrangement. And I think that most people probably would be, which is why you don't see it very often. It would still feel like you were being cheated on, weren't good enough, etc..., no matter what name you gave it.
    "Are you yawning? You don't ride well enough to yawn. I can yawn, because I ride better than you. Meredith Michael Beerbaum can yawn. But you? Not so much..."
    -George Morris



  3. #3
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    May. 9, 2008
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    I think it is because we live in a society of people who really just take have any responsibility for their actions.

    Do marriage vows really say "forever until someone better comes along"?
    I Loff My Quarter Horse & I love Fenway Bartholomule cliques

    Just somebody with a positive outlook on life...go ahead...hate me for that.



  4. #4
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    Default

    equineartworks -- I think you're on to something there. Society today is so much disposable, one size fits all, instant gratification, no personal responsibility. I do think people don't think about what they are truly doing (to themselves, their family, the planet, whatever) that they just want what they want and since everything is ready made and packaged for quick sales, folks jump in without thinking of the consequences and then simply jump out again when it suits them.

    SNL -- I think a lot of people might feel that way, but I know for a fact it isn't always that way. People can and do live in those kinds of relationships without feelings of inadequacy or always being the "other". I do think good relationships of ANY kind (monogamous, polyamorous, polygamous, open, swinging, whatever) are hard to find and hard to maintain. But I certainly am not one who thinks that one size fits all. Of course I'm also one who believes that the institution of marriage as far as teh government is concerned is little more than a legal contract and they have no right to not allow people who are otherwise legally able to enter into a legally binding contract to do so (whether they be gay, straight, bi, or poly).
    ************
    "Of course it's hard. It's supposed to be hard. It's the Hard that makes it great."

    "Get up... Get out... Get Drunk. Repeat as needed." -- Spike



  5. #5
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    Jun. 21, 2008
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    Default

    Well I have never been married and I am not sure I wan't to-well maybe if I meet the right person. I think any relationship between consenting adults is fine as long as all parties are ok with it. If they have an open relationship and wan't to explore separate or even together-then that is their business.

    The cheating stuff-maybe in a country where you can never get a divorce until you die fine-I don't agree with. But to each his own-I guess that is why it as even mentioned in the Bible-do not covet thy neighbour's wife or was that oxen?. But I think it has been there for ever and ain't going away-so I don't bother, just make it a point never to get involved with someone who is cheating.



  6. #6
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    Default

    I'm not saying divorce shouldn't be available. I guess I wish people took more responsibility. Look at some of the famous stars who have gotten married only to get divorced days (or HOURS) later. THAT to me is what makes a mockery of marriage (not the gay couple who's been together for 15 years down the street).

    I have friends who have an open arrangement of sorts. Got into a conversation with someone I know a few days ago about it and they were adament that the spouses were cheating on one another with their boyfriend/girlfriend. I guess that conversation, combined wtih the various cheater topics is what prompted this more than anything because I don't believe they are cheating on their marriage vows. Like I said, I don't believe marriage is a one size fits all arrangement and people CAN makeit what they want as long as the discussion is blunt and honest and the parties involved truly agree and stand behind their decision. It's when one party is coerced into an agreement they don't believe in that things fall apart (lack of honesty!). If a couple agrees that their marriage should not be limited to an intimate (define how you wish) relationship between the 2 people, then who is to judge that they are cheating? Isn't the definition of cheating "breaking the rules"? If the rules allow you to sleep with another man, then is the woman really cheating on her husband?

    Sorry... it's black friday, I'm at work, it's slow, few people are around and I am in a mood obviously.
    ************
    "Of course it's hard. It's supposed to be hard. It's the Hard that makes it great."

    "Get up... Get out... Get Drunk. Repeat as needed." -- Spike



  7. #7
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    Dec. 10, 2004
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    Canada
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    Default

    This is why it is very scary to be 25 and single. I want forever. I believe it exists, but sometimes I wonder if I'm the only one.

    Marriage is so disposable to my generation. It's just another relationship. Oh well... doesn't work out we get divorced... no biggie.

    So scary.



  8. #8
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    Aug. 11, 2000
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    Chantilly,va.
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    Unhappy it's hard!

    Marriage is SO difficult! How many marriages do you know of where both partners are truly happy?
    breeder of Mercury!

    remember to enjoy the moment, and take a moment to enjoy and give God the glory for these wonderful horses in our lives.BECAUSE: LIFE is What Happens While Making Other Plans



  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by Carol Ames View Post
    Marriage is SO difficult! How many marriages do you know of where both partners are truly happy?

    I would agree with this.

    As for the question... I know one... but there are 3 people involved in the relationship. And yes, they are ALL happy.
    ************
    "Of course it's hard. It's supposed to be hard. It's the Hard that makes it great."

    "Get up... Get out... Get Drunk. Repeat as needed." -- Spike



  10. #10
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    Question who is to say , if it works for them?

    If a couple finds an arrangement which, works for them and harms no one ; who is to judge their arrangement as unacceptable or not, assuming that any children are well cared for?
    breeder of Mercury!

    remember to enjoy the moment, and take a moment to enjoy and give God the glory for these wonderful horses in our lives.BECAUSE: LIFE is What Happens While Making Other Plans



  11. #11
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    Jul. 29, 2006
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    Colorado- Yee Haw!
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    I'll never forget when DH and I got our marriage licence and the women at the counter called over other people to see our application and said she hadn't seen one like it for years.

    The unusual part- both of our parents were still married and lived in the towns we were born in...

    I feel like for a lot of people the marriage has become too much about a fancy wedding and not soo much about working hard to make it work.

    I am so glad we stayed engaged for nearly 4 years before getting married -after dating for a year or so- got a lot of the bumps in the road out over that period. I think people rush into too quickly these days. Maybe we need a waiting period for marriage licences?



  12. #12
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    Oct. 16, 2006
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    Different strokes for different folks. I believe in marriage. But I think too many people get married for the wrong reasons and look at getting divorced as oh well it didn't work out. One of the things that keeps me on the straight and narrow (19 years married!) is wanting to be able to look back on what I have done and will do with respect. This it what works for me.



  13. #13
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    May. 12, 2008
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    I think a misconception is that marriage used to be all about monogamy and now *suddenly* in the last 40 years or so, people are not monogamous.

    Contrary to this, marriage was much more of merely a legal contract in the middle ages. There was no such thing as cheating because you could have mistresses or a harem (depending on your status and ability to afford a harem). Concubines were encouraged by royalty.

    In those days, of course the divorce rate was lower - until King Henry VIII of England (around 1500). Even after King Henry VIII separated from the church, specifically to divorce, he did not allow divorce in his time.

    Hence, open marriages and mistresses were common.

    Then, the pilgrims came up with the idea that marriages should be monogamous. This was not a new concept, just not a mainstream concept. These religious extremists came to the US and started a colony because they were not welcome in England, not just because of the monogamy issue

    Divorce rate has gotten much higher because all those abused spouses that would have been ostracized had they divorced, are not being ostracized any more. There are people that should have taken a second thought before getting married, but there is a growing percentage of people that are getting out of miserable marriages than staying in them and I do not see that as a bad thing.

    Still, many Americans see open marriages as an issue because of the culture that the pilgrims brought over. Still, I don't share, so I know I need to be in a monogamous relationship.



  14. #14
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by strawberry roan View Post
    Different strokes for different folks. I believe in marriage. But I think too many people get married for the wrong reasons and look at getting divorced as oh well it didn't work out. One of the things that keeps me on the straight and narrow (19 years married!) is wanting to be able to look back on what I have done and will do with respect. This it what works for me.
    Hence lovely indoctrinated terms into our society like "Starter Marriage". BLECH!!
    ************
    "Of course it's hard. It's supposed to be hard. It's the Hard that makes it great."

    "Get up... Get out... Get Drunk. Repeat as needed." -- Spike



  15. #15
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    Feb. 6, 2003
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    There are still plenty of marriages that work and have two happy people in them.
    But like the news...how many people like to discuss their happy marriages? Cheating and beating make the news on BBs...good marriages not as often.
    And when someone does post an "I love my SO!" thread the gloomy folks, the cheaters and the beaters don't bother opening and reading them...and seeing all the responses from other happily married non-cheating, non-disease spreading, honest and mature couples.
    Marriages that don't require a Jerry Springer intervention are out there and they're not myths.

    Of course marriage takes some adult and balanced compromise and some work and having two mature responsible people involved. Not many horse folks are known for being realistic, so the results may be a bit skewed on a horse BB. After all, there are tons of crabby broads on horse BBs that will read a thread that states, "My husband is upet because I spend all my time and money on my horses and ignore him and the children and the household. Why doesn;t he understand???" Followed by a hundred other crabby broads shrieking, "Dump his arse! Kick him to the curb! How dare he not like being ignored and broke just so you can ride a horsie! He's controlling if he thinks you need to be home once in a while or have some disposable income that doesn't go directly to the horsie!"

    So umm yeah...results on horse BBs may vary from reality.
    Just a tad.
    You jump in the saddle,
    Hold onto the bridle!
    Jump in the line!
    ...Belefonte



  16. #16
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    May. 9, 2008
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    Quote Originally Posted by Carol Ames View Post
    Marriage is SO difficult! How many marriages do you know of where both partners are truly happy?
    At least one...mine.
    I Loff My Quarter Horse & I love Fenway Bartholomule cliques

    Just somebody with a positive outlook on life...go ahead...hate me for that.



  17. #17
    Join Date
    Nov. 11, 2007
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    Wedge seat, Windsor SC
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    I'm happy to say I have a good marriage. We have been together 19 years now. We both can from broken homes and I think allot of people go one way or the other when they see how there parents lived. Often a child will live a relationship in the same way as there mother or father or they will choose to go totaly the other way and vow never to live there life like there parents (thats now I went). It's never true that marriage today is viewed as "disposable" and having sex outside of marriage is blasted all over tv and film. You olny need to watch the first half hour of "two & a half men" to see what our children are seeing as "cool" these days. Think now much has changed from our parents to our generations standards and then think what is seen as axceptable to our children and you can only wonder where our grand-children will be!

    I look at marriage as a contract with myself first and then to my wife second. I would never cheat & never will. If anyone can not say that about themselfs then they are not honest with thereselfs. We all live three lifes and we must learn to manage each life we live in order to live a full and happy existance. I don't believe in judging anyone as long as it is not hurting or may cause harm to others. I'm not a religulous man & I'm not a atheist, rather I choose to believe in myself to do what is right.
    I'm a strong believer in marriage for the right reasons. And I truly hope many of you know what comfort, having a wife or husband with you if life can bring. But you must be ready for marriage & you must make that commitment with yourself first before you make it to another.

    Just my OP.
    Robert
    Tandem Hill Farm
    www.tandemhillfarm.com

    Robert j Chambers on Facebook



  18. #18
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    I do need to say that some people should divorce. If there is abuse, adultery...absolutely. And then there are couples who really do fall out of love.

    But then there is selfishness and lack of responsibility...I have a friend who divorced a wonderful husband and father because he told her they needed to adjust their lifestyle. Now three children are living in a house waiting for foreclosure because she forced him to support her lifestyle...while he lives in a one bedroom apartment and works two jobs. She is reaping what she sowed, and blaming it on her former husband.
    I Loff My Quarter Horse & I love Fenway Bartholomule cliques

    Just somebody with a positive outlook on life...go ahead...hate me for that.



  19. #19
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    May. 11, 2004
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    25 yrs and happy. HAve had our moments of course but who hasent..
    Friend of bar .ka



  20. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by MistyBlue View Post
    After all, there are tons of crabby broads on horse BBs that will read a thread that states, "My husband is upet because I spend all my time and money on my horses and ignore him and the children and the household. Why doesn;t he understand???" Followed by a hundred other crabby broads shrieking, "Dump his arse! Kick him to the curb! How dare he not like being ignored and broke just so you can ride a horsie! He's controlling if he thinks you need to be home once in a while or have some disposable income that doesn't go directly to the horsie!"

    This always cracks me up! I think people should have to state their marital status when giving advice to others- even if it's just informational!



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