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  1. #1
    BAlter Guest

    Default Marriage ending.... because....

    we just can't get along, I guess.

    For those of you married 5+ years, what's it supposed to be like, a happy, not newly-wed marriage?

    It's been a long time. I guess we've always been up and down, I thought, that was just how life was?
    He used to be nice, now constantly makes fun/mocks me, despite my begs and pleads not to.
    I've talked to a lot of people about it. I've changed. I don't get mad anymore. I let little things blow over. I pick my battles, and, I don't want any battles.

    I suggested counseling for both of us, at the suggestion of my counselor. He said we can't afford it. I said your insurance will cover it, there is free or cheap help available.

    Finally today I had to cancel our plans last minute because of the tension. I said "Why do you want to be married to me anymore?" He can't come up with anything nice to say about me. He "thought things could have gotten better one day." But just last week he said how he finally admitted to himself that he had a lot of anger and contempt towards me for my career choices the past 2 years.

    I've tried tiny little goals. 2 weeks ago it was just to touch each other- with a hand, or sit nearby. I was the only one trying. My begging to please do the one thing I can't handle- make fun and laugh at me- well, I don't know if there's a day that goes by without it. I can blow it off now almost all the times on the outside, but not the inside.

    No kids, no cheating, no real money involved. We've moved far from my family (I wasn't close anyway) and my career keeps me traveling, so not many close friends. Most friends are mutual friends/couple I can't confide in. We both come from screwed up families, which doesn't help at all.

    Do I just give up now, as I'm pretty young? Or is there something I am missing, something more I cold try. I literally have tried doing things so differently- and changing has been tough- but I have done it, and tried my very hardest. I stopped saying words like always, never, and literally I just don't get mad. He noticed it, and things were better for a while, but now it seems like he ups the anty to get me mad. I still don't get mad, just sad. He used to get very sad seeing me so upset. Now he will keep going, until I'm about to suffocate from crying so hard, 'to get his point across and be heard.'

    I purposely say kind things, thankful things. I did so today, several times, I remember exactly when. He just came over and said how I am "never" appreciative of his hard work. (Nevermind all mine...)

    I used to run and leave when I felt this hopeless. I never had anywhere to go but I left anyway. I stopped leaving this year, to show how committed I was to making this work. But all I want to do is pack my stuff, and go to work, far far away from here and never come back.

    We do have animals, and own the property, and long time back he proudly said he'd take care of all the animals for me, and even be so 'kind' as to not kick me out, until I get my feet on the ground and get my own set up. So, I guess I don't have to worry about taking the horses with me....
    Last edited by BAlter; Nov. 26, 2009 at 10:03 PM.



  2. #2
    Join Date
    Feb. 16, 2008
    Posts
    959

    Default

    I don't have too much advice, just some hugs for you. I work in family law, so see broken marriages on a daily basis. I have been married for 18 years, to my best friend. That is the key, since we are able to laugh and cry and make fun of each other, yet still love each other. I will tell you the one thing that worked for me years ago, and worked for my friend recently, is that I realized that he was the only person that knew how to make my coffee just the way I like it, even better than I can.
    Good luck, in the end only you will know what is right.



  3. #3
    Join Date
    Apr. 10, 2006
    Posts
    7,388

    Default

    Anyone that cuts you down like that, belittles you or makes fun of you, is not worth having around. From what you describe in your post, the stuff he is doing to you is hurtful and abusive.

    Peace out, now, and don't look back.

    And don't make the same mistake again, so be sure you get some counseling for yourself, ASAP.

    Hugs to you.
    We couldn't all be cowboys, so some of us are clowns.



  4. #4
    Join Date
    Nov. 25, 2009
    Posts
    18

    Default

    Nothing is going to change if you are the only one working on it. I cannot as an outsider give you advice but you need to follow your heart and your counselor. I am really sorry you are going through this. It is never easy or painless.



  5. #5
    Join Date
    Sep. 29, 2007
    Posts
    478

    Default it's time

    You know it. Don't let time tick away. Leave. he doesn't deserve you.



  6. #6
    BAlter Guest

    Default

    Your guys are really helpful. I guess, just hearing what others would do, and hearing some things I already knew.

    It's easy to say leave, but not so easy, when there is no place to go, and not enough money to fund that. I am leaving an extended period for work in 2009. I just got back from a short work trip, expecting to hear how much I was missed. Oh how wrong I was.

    I'm sitting here asking total strangers for help, and he's been drinking beer all day, went and ate dinner in front of the Tv in the bedroom without talking to me, and is asleep.

    Ironically, my friend called me for relationship advice today. She's been trying to get out of a physically abusive relationship for a while. She doesn't have many other places to go. I told what I always do, what he did is not acceptable, she knows she deserves better, and she deserves better than that. I guess I should heed that advice myself. She said she was feeling claustrophobic and wanted to run away. I guess I should call her tomorrow and say where are we off to??? Two broke girls, horse poor, with dogs....

    It just seems so - stupid- to end a marriage for such a -stupid- reason. We just can't get along? It wasn't always like this. But probably for the last 1.5 years, I feel like I don't even know what love it. We used to be so happy. We spent every day together. We were best friends long before we dated. I just, just don't know what happened.



  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jan. 11, 2007
    Location
    Central VA
    Posts
    1,411

    Default

    Sounds like it's already over, to me. Once you lose that much respect for someone, or vice versa, it's hard/impossible to get it back. You sound like you'll do fine on your own and will probably be much happier without him. So I agree with FlashGordon, peace out now, time's a'wastin'.

    Hugs... been there, done that. Not a fun process but in the end, the right decision, and life is MUCH better now.



  8. #8
    BAlter Guest

    Default

    Im scared. Broke, my perfect credit fell down the toilet because of a job change 3 years ago. No support system. Nothing.



  9. #9
    Join Date
    Sep. 17, 2003
    Location
    AridZona
    Posts
    2,874

    Default

    Talk to a divorce attorney before you leave especially since there's property involved.

    I don't think it's a stupid reason to end a relationship when someone is verbally abusive to you.
    Delicious strawberry flavored death!



  10. #10
    Join Date
    Apr. 10, 2006
    Posts
    7,388

    Default

    Well, ok, here's the thing.

    I've been married 6 years. We had some really difficult times for the first 2-3 years. Really hard.

    But we always had two basic elements-- respect, and trust.

    Even when we were not speaking much, were not the best of friends, and I wasn't sure how we'd make it through... we were never nasty, spiteful, hateful, hurtful to each other.

    I don't think fear is a good reason to stay in a relationship. I see far too many women do it for way too long. See if he will try counseling.... but get your things in order as best you can. Cut your costs, even if it means letting go of horses and/or pets for now. Put some of your own money away, pick up a second job, something.

    You've gotta have a friend or family member somewhere that can offer you a shoulder and a little help? A place to stay for a little while?

    Anyway good luck to you, my heart breaks for you.
    We couldn't all be cowboys, so some of us are clowns.



  11. #11
    Join Date
    Mar. 9, 2001
    Posts
    1,295

    Default

    Retrouvaille will help you decide whether or not it's over.

    http://www.retrouvaille.org/



  12. #12
    Join Date
    Jan. 11, 2007
    Location
    Central VA
    Posts
    1,411

    Default

    Build your credit back up best you can and try to save up some money, as fast as you can. Make a plan and then bide your time until you can leave. Seriously.

    When I left, I didn't have a lot of money, my credit was good, though-- I went from a 2500 sq. ft. house on a farm to a 700 sq. ft. apartment. Racked up a lot of debt the first year or so and it sucked, big time, but in the end I was glad I did it.

    Good luck.



  13. #13
    Join Date
    Sep. 15, 2006
    Posts
    1,510

    Default I'm a guy and know how you feel...

    I have been married 2 times, the first one, ran off on me before we got married, but I was dumb enough to take her back, about 4 years later, she ran off again with a convicted child molestor, so I ended up with our 3 year old daughter. I started dating again and got remarried to a woman with NO SELF ESTEEM, who was always accusing me of cheating, even though I had a very young girl with me all the time (wasn't like I was dropping her off somewhere and disappearing). So I had to end that one, got tired of being kept up all night, yelled at for some stupid little $hit, accused me of cheating with the YOUNG teenagers at the barn, they liked watching me ride, since I was one of the few jumping over 3'. I know your pain of being accused and challenged all the time.
    Since then I haven't really been dating, was with a horse friend for awhile, but they didn't understand my desire to compete, and only wanted to trail ride.
    All I can give you is the thought, that being in NO relationship is better than being in an emotionally or physically abusive one.

    But in the END IT MUST BE YOUR DECISION, NOT SOMEONE ON HERE WHO DOESN"T KNOW HOW LONG OR EXACTLY WHAT IS GOING ON.
    Kind of sounds like he wants out, but is there some kind of state law, that helps him if you file for divorce first? Maybe with alimony, or spousal support.
    " iCOTH " window/bumper stickers. Wood Routed Stall and Farm Signs
    http://www.bluemooncustomsigns.com



  14. #14
    Join Date
    May. 15, 2006
    Location
    Eastern WV Panhandle
    Posts
    1,246

    Default

    The hubby and I haven't been married long - only eight years after dating for two. It seems like yesterday we met.

    We have up days and down days. We also have a business together. Neither of us are perfect, and while constructive criticism is (mostly) appreciated, belittling, insulting, disrespecful behavior is not. The only time we ever had an argument where I ended up in tears, I was preggers and majorly hormonal, and the right song on the radio would have me bawling.

    Frankly, both spouses need to commit 100% to the relationship. While that doesn't mean you have to live joined at the hip, it does mean that you have to appreciate and respect your spouse - even though I'll admit there are times when mine is completely exasperating!

    Love isn't just a feeling, it's an action, and from your post it sounds like you're the one making all the attempts to make the relationship work. That won't fly, and eventually you'll burn out.

    Once you decide to leave it doesn't mean you have to walk out immediately (unlike your friend - her life could be on the line). It means you make a plan. You set money aside. You look around for housing options. You find places for your horses to go - even if you have to give them away to a good home. You get a credit card solely in your name. You get (back?) into a career field that will let you support yourself and a critter or three. You don't get knocked up.

    Hugs and luck to you.



  15. #15
    Join Date
    Dec. 20, 2003
    Location
    N. Augusta, SC (but forever a BUCKEYE!)
    Posts
    1,768

    Default

    I've been through a fairly similar thing with my husband over the past 18 months...I feel that our issues evolved mainly from the fact that I am the primary money earner in the family. In a nutshell, my husband resented my career, resented that I provided most of the money for the family, and resented that he couldn't provide for his family like I can and do.

    He hit his breaking point this summer...came home from working out of state and decided, on his own, to begin seeing a counselor. Things have truly improved since then. Seriously, we truly enjoy one another's company, we do things together, and can sit with the television off and just talk.

    Turns out, my husband's baggage went back 17 years to when his dad died. Pile about 5 major life events on top of that, and a personal feeling of unworthiness, and it can be pretty destructive to a marriage. I'm grateful that my husband realized how destructive his own demons were...I was simply the easiest and closest person to lash out towards.

    I'm glad to have the man I fell in love with back as my partner in this lifetime.

    Anyhow, I'm sure this doesn't help. However, 6 months ago, I was done. I was ready to go to the attorney and start filing. I was fortunate that my husband realized that our issues weren't necessarily all about me.
    Random horse pics http://www.flickr.com/photos/glfprncs/
    Talk to me about fitness or nutrition (I'm an A.C.E. Certified Personal Trainer)!
    My blog! http://personalsweatequity.blogspot.com/



  16. #16
    Join Date
    Nov. 9, 2004
    Location
    Elizabethtown, KY
    Posts
    2,689

    Default

    So sorry to hear you are struggling. I had a break up after 3.5y about a year ago. It was hard, and I still miss him, but ultimately I know I made the right decision. And he was NEVER nasty to me. You know what the answer is. If you have to ask it is probably time to call it. If he can't stop ridiculing you for even one day, it is time to get out.

    Call your friend, talk to a lawyer, and maybe make a fresh start together by pooling whatever resources you have. You can support each other as you leave your abusive relationships. Just because he doesn't beat you, doesn't mean it isn't abuse.

    Certainly I think counseling would be a good thing to try if he would agree, just to give yourself some peace, but if he won't go, or won't fully participate, you need to get out. NOW. Hugs, jingles, and good luck to you.
    Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice; it is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved. - William Jennings Bryan

    http://www.halcyon-hill.com



  17. #17
    Join Date
    Mar. 27, 2006
    Location
    Athens, GA
    Posts
    84

    Default

    Wow-- you seem to have great perspective and I am sure there is someone out there for you that you would actually enjoy being with.... You can find someone who loves being with you, looks forward to you getting home from your business trips, and who make you feel good about yourself. Life is not a honeymoon and everyone who as problems, but overall your spouse should be your best friend and respect you. You should not tolerate someone who is less than respectful --- life is too short!



  18. #18
    Join Date
    Sep. 6, 2000
    Location
    Decatur, GA
    Posts
    2,568

    Default

    He knows what is going on. Why is he so angry? What does he say when you ask him what is wrong? What in the world is he making fun of you about? Sounds really childish. Very disrespectful.



  19. #19
    Join Date
    Jan. 1, 2008
    Posts
    4,942

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by BAlter View Post
    We do have animals, and own the property, and long time back he proudly said he'd take care of all the animals for me, and even be so 'kind' as to not kick me out, until I get my feet on the ground and get my own set up. So, I guess I don't have to worry about taking the horses with me....
    How big of him...kick HIS sorry ass to the curb.

    I'll be blunt...get rid of this sorry loser, now.



  20. #20
    BAlter Guest

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Go Fish View Post
    How big of him...kick HIS sorry ass to the curb.
    I wish I could, but it's not in the budget. At all.

    I tried giving the horses away. No luck. I've cut expenses drastically. When the economy recovers I am confidant I will (with $$). Until then, I'm massively confused, and hurt.
    .
    Quote Originally Posted by Gayla
    What does he say when you ask him what is wrong? What in the world is he making fun of you about?
    My lame response is always, if you love me, how can you stand to see me hurt so much? I don't know the answer.
    I think he battles with low self esteem, I know I always have. Now we both feel worthless, when we used to be able to help each other and pick up when one of us was falling behind, like a team should.

    Pascova, those are the kindest words I've heard all day.

    Quote Originally Posted by glfprncs
    Pile about 5 major life events on top of that, and a personal feeling of unworthiness, and it can be pretty destructive to a marriage. I'm grateful that my husband realized how destructive his own demons were...I was simply the easiest and closest person to lash out towards.
    You've hit the nail on the head, here.
    Glad to know I am not alone
    I know he worries about a lot. He worries about money and debt (who doesn't right now??). I've left him with a lot of responsiblity when I travel. He doesn't have a good support system either. He resents me leaving for work (although we took a year to decide this, as a couple), and me, and where we are in life, and what we've become. Even though I think we've done amazing for ourselves and at our young age, have learned ad weathered so much, and have gone farther in life than any of our parents or family ever did.

    I guess it's like an addict, they can only seek help when they want to, right? There is nothing I'll do to change it (although, knowing someone else, somewhere, had the same situation and it got better, is really amazing).

    Until then, I guess I distance myself as much as possible, avoid being home at the same times, and hope? If I knew what the answer was, I wouldn't be asking.... I really, honestly, don't know. It's been so long and the waters have been muddiest so much, I don't know which way is up.



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